


Objects in the Mirror

by SevenSoulmates



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on the movie In Your Eyes, Eventual Smut, In Your Eyes AU, M/M, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Telepathic Bond, Telepathic Emotional Connection, backstory exploration, canon re-telling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 139,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25299115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SevenSoulmates/pseuds/SevenSoulmates
Summary: The voice had always been around, Eddie remembers it, like a stream of consciousness that babbled incoherently to the point where Eddie just tuned it out.But then the voice started speaking directly to him. Conversing like he was a whole person standing right in front of him. Like he could see what was happening around Eddie.Eddie shook his head. No one was talking to him, and Eddie most certainly was not talking back.He wouldn’t talk to the boy in his head ever again. Therewasno boy in his head.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 308
Kudos: 568





	1. closer than they appear

**Author's Note:**

> bold+ italics: words spoken out loud or heard by the person not physically there  
> regular italics: thoughts of the POV character, cannot be heard  
> regular quotations: words spoken out loud by the POV character and can be heard by the person not there
> 
> In other words, they can only hear when they speak out loud, they cannot hear each other's thoughts.

12 Years Old: Buck 

It all started during Buck's little league baseball game when he'd been slammed in the back of his head with a flying bat.

Buck face planted in the fake grass and dirt mound, head exploding with a white hot pain that blacked out his entire vision.

**_Edmundo! Not in the Lord's house. Get off the ground now!_ **

**_Honey, call 911!_ **

Buck got knocked out cold. When he opened his eyes again, he was in the hospital. Six stitches in the back of his head and the worst most painful headache he had ever experienced in his entire 12 years of life.

**_Suck it up, Eddie. Men don't cry over headaches._ **

Buck hears it about a week after the bat to the back of his head. At first, he thinks someone else is in his room with him, but when he looks there's no one there. The voice sounded like an older man, but it didn't sound like Buck's dad at all. This voice had a slight bit of an accent to it that Buck couldn't recognize. And the voice said a name Buck didn’t know either.

Eddie. Buck's pretty sure that's the name he heard, but he doesn't know anyone named Eddie, so he pretty much just ignores it.

He finishes the year out in his little league team and then his mom forces him to quit.

"It's too dangerous, Evan. You're lucky I even let you finish the season in the first place. It's the devil's game!"

Buck doesn't want to quit baseball. It's fun and it makes him some of the first friends he has. And Buck likes the exercise. Running around, jumping and sliding, hitting the ball so hard it goes flying. Seeing the looks on the other teams faces. It makes Buck feel good, gives him a sense of purpose for a time. But his mom said no, and his dad wasn't willing to pay the fee for him to continue anyway, so Buck has no choice but to quit.

In his room, he sits on his bed and stares at his blank wall. He decides that if his mom isn't gonna let him play sports then he may as well go somewhere where he knew even his mom wouldn't worry--the library.

When Buck walks in, he doesn't know where to start. He goes to the kids section where the librarian points him but those books are too kiddy for him. He liked picture books as much as the next guy, but he wanted to read something _interesting_.

Up the stairs and to the right is the world travel section. Buck goes there and pulls out a book on the top 100 countries a person should visit before they die.

Buck makes a list in his head. He wants to visit Mexico, Australia, Malaysia, South Korea, India and Greenland. And then he adds another 30 countries to his list and vows that he'll visit all of them someday. 

He gets lost, staring at the beautiful picture of a temple in Tibet, and zones out. 

Suddenly he's not focusing on the monks in the picture anymore, but instead he's staring out at a long stretch of dirt road, and the hot sun is beating down on him. It smells like burnt rubber and he looks down to see himself sat on a bike. There's a ramp in front of him and Buck's heart pounds. He's about to jump off it.

**_Come on, Eddie, do it. Chicken!_ **

Eddie's not a chicken, whoever he is. Buck knows he's not. He feels it in the way his gloves tighten against the handles and the speed of which he kicks off the ground, with no time to talk himself out of it. And then, Buck is being launched through the air, the blue sky the only thing above him he can see. His stomach lurches like his mom had gone too fast over a hilly road--only worse.

Buck is falling through the air.

The bike hits the ground after Buck does. There’s a sickening snap of his arm.

"AHH!" Buck is knocked over backwards at the searing pain. He bursts into tears, clutching his arm and draws the attention of every passerby in the vicinity. Someone rushes over to him, asking questions about what happened but Buck can't think about anything other than the blinding pain in his arm.

"My arm--" Buck grits. "I think--I think it's broken."

The librarian checks out his arm, and that's when Buck finally sees his arm right in front of his own eyes, healthy and in-tact

Buck promptly gets kicked out of the library.

He walks home with tears streaming down his face, clutching his not-broken arm to his chest. His mom asks what happened when he walks into the house with a red face and puffy eyes. Buck forces himself to not react to the throbbing pain in his arm and instead says, "I read a really sad book."

His mom seems swayed by this. "It wasn't one of those magic books right? You know what I've told you and your sister about those kinds of books. They're blasphemous."

Buck shakes his head. "No. I didn't read any books like that, mom. I promise."

"Good." She turns away. "Dinner will be ready in two hours. _Please_ make sure your sister joins us this time."

Buck heads up to his room and lays down on his bed, clutching his arm. With his eyes squeezed shut, Buck forces himself to breath, to hold still, to focus on anything other than the pain.

His eyes fly open. He's in a room that's not his own and there's a woman standing in front of him.

**_I cannot believe you would be so irresponsible! Your abuela is coming to visit tomorrow and now we have to take you to the hospital._ **

**_I'm sorry, mama_** **.**

The voice belongs to someone else, but it sounds like it's coming from _Buck_. The woman in front of him had short bob-like brown hair--she looked nothing like Buck's mom with her white blonde hair always pulled back into a bun. 

The woman leaves and Buck is alone in a room he doesn't recognize. He looks down and finds there's a cast on his arm.

 ** _Stupid, stupid!_** His hand comes up and thunks him on the head twice--hard.

" _Ow!_ " Buck whines. "Will you stop that?!"

He hears a gasp that's not his own.

 ** _Who said that?_** the voice asks. The room spins, like he's searching for something.

"I did!" Buck huffs. "Stop spinning! My arm already hurts and now you're making me dizzy."

His vision stops spinning. Instead he's looking down at a bed that isn't his.

 ** _Sorry?_** the voice says. 

Buck sighs, leaning back down until he's fully flat on his bed, face up. 

"Who are you?" Buck asks, not really expecting an answer and yet it comes anyway.

 **_Eddie_** **.** **_Who are you?_ **

The vision fades and Buck is back to looking at his boring white ceiling.

"I'm Buck," he says aloud. Somehow, this time, Buck knows that no one hears him.

*

16 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie sits at his desk in school. They’re learning a new lesson in precalculus but Eddie isn’t really paying attention. He’s thinking about his after school job at the tire shop, and if it’s going to interfere with baseball try-outs this afternoon. 

It was a catch-22. If he wanted to play baseball, he needed money to pay for everything--his uniform, equipment, fare for away-games--and to do that he needed his job. But the hours he worked changed, and sometimes ran right through the hours Eddie knew were usually practice time. If he pointed this out to Victor, the owner of the store, he doubted the older man would care to help Eddie rearrange his schedule to fit in baseball.

“You should be focusing on work, Eddie,” his mom had said. “You said you wanted to go to college. You should be saving up for that, not for baseball.”

Eddie _did_ want to go to college. He had started up his own savings for that as well--it was why he’d been picking up so many extra shifts at the store. He had to double the hours he worked if he wanted to save for school later _and_ have enough for baseball now.

Soon enough the bell rings and school is finished for the day. He makes his way out to the field, and then on to the baseball diamond behind it. He hears a beep coming from his backpack and slides out his second hand nokia flip phone to check if Victor had called. He had, and left a voicemail saying that Eddie wasn’t needed until later this evening.

He nearly whooped with joy. That left him enough time to try out, go home and change and eat all before Victor needed him.

The coach of their school’s baseball team, to put it lightly, didn’t really care about baseball all that much. He was there because all the teachers needed to be in charge of at least one extra curricular activity, and all the easy ones had been claimed already.

So really, it was the senior varsity players who ran try-outs and practices for everyone. They were the ones Eddie had to impress. They would pass the names of the people they thought worthy on to the coach and the coach would approve it without even a second glance. 

The captain of the team was Jason McNamara. He was _way_ too tall for a high schooler, with broad shoulders and blonde hair and blue eyes. His nose and cheeks were covered in freckles from the sun. 

He had no time for nonsense.

Eddie made sure that he did everything he could to catch the senior’s eyes--especially Jason. During warm-ups, Eddie ran fast but didn’t sprint. He kept his stamina up, enough to keep up with everyone else, maybe even enough to show off a little bit, but not enough to be cocky. The varsity seniors were famous for their arrogance. They were the only winning sports team in their school, even without a coach’s help, and they knew it. If Eddie dared to try and show up any of them, as a sophomore, he’d never get anywhere near the team.

They split up the teams, mixing the people who were trying out with the seniors on varsity. Eddie found himself up to bat right after Jason who’s made it all the way home.

The boy turns around, and suddenly his entire head is engulfed in sunlight. Eddie stares as the captain takes off his cap, his hair flowing in the wind, his cheeks pink. 

The bat Eddie’s handed slips through his fingers and he scrambles to catch it before it hits the ground.

To Eddie’s absolute horror, Jason sees him fumble. He raises an eyebrow at Eddie, but then an amused smile comes over his face. If Eddie wasn’t already frozen, he would probably freeze over again at that action alone.

Jason pats Eddie’s arm twice as he walks by. “Good luck,” he says kindly.

Eddie blinks, and then blinks again two more times. 

Somehow he gets his body to line up on the home plate. The bat raises in the air and the ball is flying forward towards him but Eddie doesn’t see it coming.

**_Swing!_ **

It’s not Eddie’s own voice, but the force behind it is enough to throw Eddie into action. He swings the bat, just as the voice had instructed, and the ball cracks against the wood. The ball goes flying and Eddie just stands there watching it.

 **_Run, Eddie!_ **The voice calls again, and Eddie is helpless but to follow again. He kicks into a run, and he hears chanting, but it’s not coming from the dugout or the stands, it’s coming from inside his head.

**_GO EDDIE! GO EDDIE! RUN RUN RUN! GO EDDIE GO!_ **

Eddie’s legs pump faster, as he passes first base and on to second.

**_Watch out!_ **

“Shit!” Eddie curses as a kid on the opposing team lunges for him with the ball. Eddie dodges him with a jump and then zooms past second base, the voice’s cheers loud and boisterous in Eddie’s ears. His heart is pumping with adrenaline, with _excitement_ , and he throws himself farther. Finally feeling his feet connecting with ground, his mind back on earth, Eddie sprints past third and is almost home.

**_GO GO GO GO GO GO!!!_ **

Eddie slides into home and now the cheers aren’t just coming from inside his head, but the people in the dugouts, the other tryouts and some of the spectators in the stand were cheering too. 

**_You did it!_** The voice whoops. **_You did it, Eddie! Yes!_**

“Thank you,” Eddie says, panting as he hunches over on his knees. 

**_Evan! Stop that racket right this instant!_ **

**_Shoot--! Sorry dad!_ **

The voice disappears.

As he strides back into the dugout, people are clapping him on the back, telling him how great a play that was. Eddie smiles and tells them all thanks too. He sits and watches with the others as tryouts continue. 

Some moments his eyes slide back to Jason, watching the older boy as he passes along instructions, criticisms and encouragements. Eddie thinks he’s being inconspicuous, but the second Jason’s eyes glide over to meet Eddie’s, he’s turning away so fast and acting like he hadn’t even been interested in the first place. Because he wasn’t interested. Meaning, he _was_ interested in the game. And that was it.

After tryouts, in the locker room, Eddie showers off the sweat and stands by his locker. Looking in the mirror, he’s reminded of the voice in his head.

Evan? 

It didn’t make any sense to Eddie. The voice had always been around, Eddie remembers it, but for so long he just assumed the voice was his own. Like a stream of consciousness that babbled incoherently to the point where Eddie just tuned it out. 

But then the voice started speaking directly to him. Conversing like he was a whole person standing right in front of him. Like he could _see_ what was happening around Eddie.

It freaked him out, made him shake and sweat whenever he thought too much about it. Sometimes if he dwelled on it, he could feel the phantom touch of people’s hands on him when Eddie was completely alone. Or sometimes he’d be in a good mood, and suddenly a sadness so deep and consuming would engulf him out of nowhere.

Eddie shook his head. There wasn’t anybody inside his head. No one was talking to him, and Eddie most certainly was not talking back.

He wouldn’t talk to the boy in his head ever again. There was no boy in his head. 

He was sixteen years old for Christ’s sake. He was way too old for imaginary friends.

“Good game today.”

Eddie whips around and nearly trips and slams into his own locker, but a hand comes out and captures Eddie’s shoulder, catching him before he falls over.

Jason gives a small laugh and Eddie’s face _burns_ with embarrassment. Soon enough Jason takes his hand away and Eddie burns for other reasons.

“You good?” Jason asks.

Eddie clears his throat. “Uh, yeah. Yeah. Thanks. You also had a good game today.” He tries to smile, to make it less awkward.

Jason raises an eyebrow. “Of course. I’m the captain for a reason.”

Eddie snorts with a dorky laugh that immediately makes him cringe on the inside. “Yeah, I know. Uh. Sorry. I just meant--”

Something softens on Jason’s face. “No worries, Diaz.”

Oh shit he knows Eddie’s name. Or...his last name?

“You impressed me out there,” Jason continues, and then his hand is back on Eddie’s shoulder and his heart nearly beats its way up and out of Eddie’s throat.

Eddie finds himself leaning into his touch without even noticing.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Jason says and pulls away again so that Eddie realizes how close the two of them were standing. 

Jason takes another step back, looking Eddie up and down, and something not unlike fire ants breaks out over every inch of Eddie’s skin. It prickles at the back of his neck.

“Welcome to the team, Diaz,” Jason says with a smirk. Then he winks and suddenly the tingles up his spine turn into ice.

Jason leaves, and Eddie stands alone in the locker room, looking down at his shoes like he’d just had a bucket of ice water poured over him.

He stares at the door where Jason just left. 

The senior wanted Eddie on the team. He’d touched Eddie, smirked at him, _winked_. 

Eddie’s not stupid, he knows what that means. He also knew that being like that on a baseball team, on any team, wasn’t right. No, this was a locker room and a field and guys weren’t supposed to. 

Eddie liked girls. There was Lydia Maraschino in third period who stared at him constantly. She had a nice rack, Eddie’s friends pointed it out a lot, and spoke about how lucky he was to have attention from a girl like Lydia. Eddie thought she was hot, she had dark hair and thick thighs. She looked nothing like the guys on the baseball team, and for that Eddie was thankful. He was thankful he could focus on Lydia’s tits and not on the tight baseball uniforms with straining shoulder blades. The uniforms that didn’t accentuate any muscles in the legs or the thighs or the glutes. There was nothing to look at there. 

_Welcome to the team._ It rings in Eddie’s head. He made it, he should feel excited. But now all he was feeling was anxious. Would he have to be looking over his shoulder constantly? Wondering if someone was looking at him, or--or wondering if he was going to get caught looking?

No. No, Eddie couldn’t do this. It would be too much. If he asked his mom and dad to come to any of his games, they would see. They would be able to tell right away what Jason was, and if Eddie was on the same team as him, they would think he was too.

The next day, Eddie walks past the entrance to the locker rooms and spots his name on the roster for Junior Varsity.

He quits the team before he even starts.


	2. you would not believe your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: The Buckley parents are NOT physically abusive, but they do exhibit borderline emotionally abusive behavior/tendencies. Let me know if anyone feels I should tag on the main tags.
> 
> bold+ italics: words spoken out loud or heard by the person not physically there  
> regular italics: thoughts of the POV character, cannot be heard  
> regular quotations: words spoken out loud by the POV character and can be heard by the person not there

15 Years Old: Buck 

“Magdalena Marie Buckley, you will _not_ speak to me that way.”

“If you would just _listen_ to me--”

“I just don’t understand why you need to go to a school four hours away with a boy you barely know--”

“Doug isn’t just a boy, mom! I love him. We’re going to get married someday.”

Their father scoffs from the head of the table.

Maddie’s furious gaze turns on him and the entire table is silent. 

Maddie scrapes her chair back, flinging her fork down onto her plate so hard that food splatters off of it and onto their mom’s doilies. She storms off in the direction of the stairs, stomping the whole way up. Buck sits in silence with his parents until they hear her slam her bedroom door shut.

Buck sits there paralyzed. He wants to get up, to run to his own room, but he knows he can’t. He hasn’t been dismissed. He hasn’t finished eating all of his food. Dad says it’s wasteful to not eat all of the food they put on his plate. Throwing it away is like wasting his hard earned money.

The thought of eating anymore makes his stomach roll, but once his parents start shifting and eating again, Buck knows he’s supposed to too. So he picks up his fork and continues eating, forcing himself to chew slowly, to swallow without tasting. To just pack it into his stomach. Later, he’ll head to the gym at his school and work it off.

“Such ungrateful children,” his father mutters and Buck clenches his fork hard. 

_Don’t look at me, don’t look at me._

“You ever try and pull the same crap your sister is pulling there will be hell to pay.”

Buck doesn’t look him in the eye. Just gulps and nods, says yes sir. His dad stops at that, saying he’s not hungry anymore and gets up. 

“May I be excused?” Buck asks his mom after he’s shoved the last bit of food into his mouth and forced himself to not throw up.

His mom sighs. “You may.”

Buck quickly throws his plate into the sink and runs upstairs to his room. He sits on his bed for hours, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t feel like reading, doesn’t feel like climbing out of his window to the latch right above, where he could swing his leg over relatively easily and crawl up to the little landing on the roof. Sometimes he liked to sit there and watch the stars, wondering who else could see the same stars and if there was someone watching them right now.

He couldn’t bring himself to go up and do that either.

He could hear Maddie crying from her room. Buck wants to go to her, push her door open, tell her he’s on her side. That it would always be her and him against the world. Against their parents. That that would never change.

But he can’t go to her. So instead, he sits in his room and waits. What for, he doesn’t really know. He thinks maybe he’s waiting for all of the lights in the house to go out, for his mom and dad to retreat to their room for the night. When the Buckley house was dark, it was safe. Buck could move about freely. There was no one to see him, to stop him, tell him where he should be and what he should be doing.

When the lights go out, Buck quietly exits his room and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth for at least ten minutes. He wasn’t really paying attention, but he has a song stuck in his head that he doesn’t recognize. 

**_Y aún me parece mentira que se escape mi vida, Imaginando que vuelves a pasarte por aquí, Donde los viernes cada tarde, como siempre, La esperanza dice: "quieta, hoy quizás sí..."_ **

Buck doesn’t speak Spanish. Doesn’t know a single word of it, and yet sometimes he’d have random songs in Spanish pop up in his head. Playing like he was listening to it through headphones, and yet he knew he wasn’t. 

Eddie hasn’t spoken to him in a while. A couple of years at least.

Buck didn’t know if the other boy was real, or if he had just imagined him, but sometimes, like when Spanish songs he’s never heard before in his life pop up in his head, or when he’d hear people talking to him when there was no one else in the room, or when he’d feel sudden and unexpected pain in certain parts of his body, he was reminded that there was no way this was just in his head. 

And yet it was. Buck had once spoken to Maddie about it, especially after that day he had gotten kicked out of the library and Buck had been _sure_ that he had broken his arm. There were no fractures, but Maddie took him to the doctors anyway, and they said there was nothing wrong with him. That the pain was all in his head.

He knew not to mention the voices. The second he did he knew what his mom would say. He would be sprayed with holy water, forced to kneel by her altar with a rosary over his neck, begging to expel Satan's words from his head.

No. 

He would never tell his parents about Eddie. 

Because he _knew_ Eddie was real. He’d talked to the boy, had an actual conversation with him. Sometimes Buck’s vision would go blurry and suddenly he’d be in a backyard he didn’t recognize, surrounded by dozens of people he didn’t know, all talking to him, asking him questions about school, or that one time he found himself at the dinner table with a family that wasn’t his own.

He couldn’t make that up. 

Buck tried to talk to Eddie. Spoke out loud when he was alone in his room, but the boy in his head never spoke back. He wondered if Eddie could still hear him?

He hoped so. Eddie was Buck’s only friend, but even _he_ didn’t like talking to Buck much it seemed.

That was okay, Buck decided. Even if Eddie didn’t want to be Buck’s friend, on the off chance that Eddie could still hear him, he wanted to make sure that Eddie knew Buck would always be there for him.

Buck looks up into the mirror and sees his own reflection staring back. 

“This is what I look like, in case you were wondering,” Buck says to Eddie. He doesn’t know if he’s listening. Or if he cares. “I’m nothing impressive.”

Buck turned fifteen a few months ago, and his acne had gone from bad to worse. It littered his jaw, and left behind craters up his cheeks and all around his mouth. Cysts formed under his chin along his neck line. He looked so ugly. 

Maybe he was glad Eddie couldn’t see him. His eyes flickered up his face, to the patches of hair on his face that grew unevenly. His angry red birthmark that seemed to grow redder and angrier with every year that passed. Sometimes he wondered if he could sneak some of Maddie’s concealer that he saw her putting on before school every day. 

Maddie once told him that the day of his birth there was a downpour. The rain didn't stop when he was born, but the clouds parted and the sun came out. She said right outside his mom's hospital room there was a double rainbow and that's how she knew that her baby brother would be one special boy. 

Of course neither of his parents ever remembered the rainbows. His mom was passed out for most of the time she was in the hospital and his dad stuck around for only a few hours to see his new kid before heading off to work. "More kids, more money," he dad had grumbled. He knew this because Maddie once told him accidentally when she was ranting about their dad. Buck knew she hadn’t meant to let that slip to him, but she had. 

Maddie watched Buck all day the day he was born. She sat with their mom and watched as Evan slept in their mother's arms. She followed the nurses when they took him to the children's ward to get checked up. She put her face to the glass and was able to spot her baby brother among all the babies. She said he had a cute red mark on the top half of his left eyelid, and another right above his eyebrow.

After church once when Buck had followed his mom to her bible reading meeting, he heard a woman ask her about it.

_"What is it?" She asked. "Is it...herpes?"_

_“No,” his mother had assured her quickly. “I asked the doctor and she said it was just a birthmark. They're quite common in newborns and they eventually fade.”_

_“It’s been 10 years, Elaine.”_

His birthmark never faded. Buck never saw himself like Maddie did. He wasn’t cute. 

He felt disgusting. Trapped in a gangly body with functions and urges he couldn’t control. Hair and smells that came from every orifice and his dad would sometimes snip at him for how rank his B.O. was. Buck showered every morning and every night after that. He tried to shave his face but he found that it aggravated his acne even more.

So he settled for looking and feeling disgusting every day. He hoped one day it would go away on its own.

Buck looks at his scrawny body, and wonders what Eddie must look like. If he had a body. He pictured tan skin, warm and soft. Dark hair. Curly? Maybe not. Brown eyes? Eddie sounded like he might have brown eyes, plus it was the most common eye color in the world so chances were his eyes were brown. And he’d be pretty. That much Buck was certain. 

One day, Buck hoped. One day he might see what Eddie looked like. 

After he gets out of the shower, he digs around for the moisturizer he also sometimes stole from Maddie in the hopes of calming down the burning monstrosity that was his face. He couldn’t find it in the mirror cabinet, so he squats down to look under the sink.

He sorts through the towels, the hair products.

He doesn’t find Maddie’s moisturizer. Instead he finds plane tickets.

He doesn’t storm into Maddie’s room, but that’s also because he knows that if he made any sort of sound his parents would be up there so fast and then who knows what would happen to the both of them.

Maddie is sitting on her bed, soft music playing from her speaker. He drops the papers on her bed.

“Fuck,” Maddie says. She never _ever_ swears.

Buck purses his lips together, sniffing hard and turning his head away so she doesn’t see him tearing up. He couldn’t _believe_ her.

“Were you just going to run?” Buck demands. “In the dead of night?”

“Evan--”

“You were just going to leave me here?”

It’s probably the crack in his voice, or maybe it was the traitorous tears that fell down his face, but Maddie gets up off her bed and tries to come forward and give him a hug. Buck backs into the door, hands up to stop her from wrapping her arms around him.

“Stop.”

“Evan, I’m sorry. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t. I _can’t_.”

“I know!” Buck almost raises his voice, but quickly quells it, swallowing his shouts before they can reach unwanted ears. “I know. But you could’ve told me.”

“I was going to,” Maddie tries to assure him. Her face looks earnest, but Buck knew it was a lie.

He shakes his head. “No you weren’t.”

Maddie doesn’t say anything, just looks down, ashamed. Buck shakes his head, licks his lips.

“Fine then,” Buck mutters, wrapping his arms around himself. “Leave.”

“Ev--”

Buck is out of her room in an instant, and his sister doesn’t come after him. He finds himself in the corner of his room, rocking back and forth. Maddie was leaving him. She was leaving him here _alone_ with their mom and dad and she didn’t _care_. She didn’t care at all that Buck would have to deal with his dad’s hand on his shoulder and his mom’s _looks_ , and he couldn’t do it.

No, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this at all. He would find a way to go with her, maybe he’d sneak into her suitcase or--no that was stupid. He could buy a ticket. He saved up some money, maybe he could follow her and--

**_Evan._ **

Buck’s head snaps up, looking around. His room begins to fade, and instead he sees a backyard. It’s the same one he’s seen before, only this time he can see the backyard and he could see his room at the same time. The backyard was farther away but it was there. 

“Whu--” Buck throws his arms out and knocks into his dresser. _“Eddie?_ Eddie--what--”

There’s soft music playing, but he knows that it’s not coming from his room. He’s in the backyard, but it opens up into a field, and Buck can see Eddie walking further down the path. 

And then, there are fireflies.

_Holy...moly._

They flitter and glow all around him. A hand reaches out to grasp them, but they fly away before he can reach them. They’re in Buck’s room, cascading around, landing on trees that most _definitely_ aren’t in his room. 

The music grows a bit louder, like he had headphones in again with the volume turned up. Was Eddie trying not to hear him? Had he not wanted to reach out to Buck? But he’d said his name. He called him Evan. Buck didn’t remember ever telling Eddie his name. But if Eddie could hear him the way Buck could hear Eddie...maybe he’d heard it.

Eddie must’ve wandered out into the field behind his house, because he sits down amongst the overgrown grass and the fireflies land on Buck’s nose, his cheeks. His shoulders. They surround him and Buck feels…

Endless.

He feels the night wind blow over his face, and hands on his upper arms.

“They’re beautiful,” Buck says, hoping Eddie hears. “...thank you.”

_**I’m sorry.** _

Buck wipes the water from his face. He snorts. “Talking to me again?”

A hand squeezes his shoulder. Buck gasps. Had Eddie? Had he squeezed his own shoulder...so that he could squeeze Buck’s.

“Wh--we--we can touch?”

**_I wouldn’t call it touch. Just...feeling, I guess._ **

“Can you feel me?” Buck asks. He puts his own hand on top of the shoulder he knew Eddie was holding. 

**_Shit--_** it’s a hiss, and then the hand is gone. Buck wants it back instantly. He wants to feel Eddie’s hand on his shoulder and wants Eddie to feel his. 

“I’m sorry--” Buck says quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 **_You’re in my head,_ ** Eddie says, and Buck is unbelievably happy he hadn’t scared Eddie away completely, that he was still talking to him. Hadn’t hung up. **_I’m fucking terrified._ **

“Sorry,” Buck murmurs. “I...if it makes you feel any better, it scares me too. Not you!” He’s quick to reassure. He could never be afraid of Eddie. “Just...you, in my head.”

He hears a chuckle from Eddie and oh no...Oh Buck wants to hear that again. He wants to know that he was responsible for Eddie’s laughter.

 **_I know what you mean_** **.** Eddie puts his hand on his own wrist and Buck knows instinctively that he did it for Buck. 

“You...where are you?” Buck dares to ask.

 **_Eddie--?_ **Comes a feminine voice that most definitely not Eddie's.

The line slams dead. The fireflies fade and Buck is back in his dark room. 

Alone.

*

19 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie sits at the booth, staring across at Lydia who’s chewing loosely on fries. It’s a Friday night, and they’re supposed to be having their weekly date night. Conversation had fizzled out after the first thirty minutes. They’d talked a bit about school, about their jobs, and they ate their food to keep their mouths busy the rest of the date.

He stared at the table, stared behind her at the other patrons, at the tables behind them all looking exactly the same at the table they were sat at. 

Maybe he’s gone crossed eyed, but a park comes into view, it’s bright outside, sunny and Eddie squints his eyes. There’s not many kids hanging around, only a handful of people walking around in the distance. 

The park moves closer, and then falls back. His head tilts back and Eddie’s looking at the sky--and at the diner--and the clouds and the birds. His hands clutch onto metal chains, and they rub against his cuticles. 

He’s on a swing. Or rather, Evan is on a swing. 

**_Who’s that_** **?** Evan asks. That answers that question, Evan could see what he was doing too. Eddie’s mouth quirks up.

He doesn’t answer. He can’t answer, not with Lydia sitting right in front of him. 

**_She’s pretty_** **,** Evan says again. **_She seems bored._ **

_She is,_ Eddie thinks, but doesn’t say out loud. He’s pretty sure Evan can’t read his thoughts. The boy had never responded to anything Eddie thought. He’s only ever responded when Eddie speaks out loud. It’s a comfort, to know that at least he still had his thoughts to himself. Even if Evan could see the world around him, or could feel what Eddie touched, or hear what Eddie heard, he could keep his thoughts to himself.

“I gotta pee,” Lydia says shortly, getting up not a moment later to go to the bathroom. 

Eddie continues to watch the world go by as Evan swings, kicking up tan bark under his feet. He has long legs, Eddie notes. Jeans with holes in them. Impossibly white shoes.

“Aren’t you a little old to be at a kid's playground?” Eddie asks.

Evan bursts into laughter. **_You can see that, huh?_ **

Eddie smiles and nods, but remembers that Evan can’t see that. He clears his throat. “Yeah, I can see it.”

He hears a pleased hum come from Evan. **_You don’t know how old I am. I could be a kid._ **

“You’re not.”

**_You’re right, I’m not. I’m fifteen._ **

Eddie huffs out a laugh this time. “Oh shit, you _are_ a kid.”

**_Hey now! How old are you?_ **

“Nineteen.”

**_You’re only four years older than me!_ ** _**We’re not that far apart.** _

Eddie shakes his head. “Yeah, we are.”

**_I’m in Pennsylvania._ **

Eddie frowns. It feels like too much; it feels like pressure. 

**_You don’t have to tell me where you are,_ ** Evan says suddenly. **_I just...I wanted you to know about me. So you don’t feel so…_ **

“Crazy?” Eddie supplements, and now he feels bad. He didn’t mean to make Evan feel bad.

**_Yeah…_ **

“Do you feel crazy?” Eddie asks. Evan doesn’t respond. “Evan?”

_**Buck.** _

“What?”

**_My name is Buck. I mean, technically my name is Evan but...I like Buck better._ **

“Buck,” Eddie tests it out on his tongue. “That’s a nice name. Suits you.”

 **_You think?_ **Buck asks, and it’s curious and hopeful and a bit giddy. 

Eddie smiles, Buck does seem younger now that he thinks about it. It’s cute, in a kid-like way. 

“Yeah. I go by a nickname too.”

 **_Oh, I know_ ** **Edmundo** ** _._ **

“Oh hey, I didn’t give you permission--” Eddie laughs.

Buck continues to swing through the air, his voice high and airy. **_Okay, okay! I won’t call you Edmundo if you promise to call me Buck_** **.**

“Deal,” Eddie promises. “Buck it is.”

“What’s Buck?” Lydia asks, sliding back into the booth. She’s looking at him strangely.

“Uh--” Oh Jesus Christ on a cracker, she heard him. What is he supposed to say?

_**Tell her you think she’s pretty.** _

“No.”

“What?” Lydia asks. 

“Um...sorry, I just got distracted,” Eddie stammers. “It’s because you’re so pretty.”

He cringes at himself but he hears Buck whoop with joy. 

Lydia eyes him. “Listen, Eddie, I think we should talk. We both know that this relationship isn’t going anywhere.”

“Wait...what?”

She continues on like he hadn’t even said anything. “We dated the last two years of high school and that was nice and all but we’re in college now.”

“Community college,” Eddie corrects.

“I’m moving to Miami,” she tells him. “I don’t want to do the long distance thing. The truth is that being with you right now already feels like a long distance relationship.”

“Lydia--”

“Thanks for the food, Eddie.”

And then she’s up and gone.

Eddie sits there, at the booth, blinking. What the hell just happened?

**_Eddie…I’m sorry._ **

Eddie wasn’t. “Don’t be,” he says. “That was...she was...Well. Let’s just say we were never meant to be.”

**_Still._ **

“It’s for the best,” Eddie says, then orders a beer because he knows the owners and knows they don’t give a shit if he’s not 21 yet. 

**_We should do something._ **

“You’re in my head. _We_ can’t do anything,” Eddie gets up and leaves, getting into his car and driving off. 

**_That’s not true. I’ll just live vicariously through you._ **

“That’s not the same as doing something together.”

Buck was up and off the swings now. He was just walking down the street, passing houses and cars. And Eddie...Eddie really doesn’t want to go home right now. He parks his car a bit down the road from his house and then gets out, deciding if Buck was going on an extended walk, he could too.

“You don’t think this is weird?” Eddie asks eventually. He doesn’t know why he’s still allowing himself to talk to this voice in his head. By now he was...pretty certain he was talking to an actual real life person but--how could that be? Nobody else could talk to people like this. Everyone had to use phones or, you know, actually be in the general vicinity of an actual physical person.

**_I mean, yeah, it is a bit weird, but I don’t mind. I like talking to you._ **

Damn it. He hadn’t meant to make Buck sad. He didn’t know how he could feel it, but he just could.

The kid was lonely, and somehow he felt like Eddie was the only one who could alleviate that loneliness. 

Eddie didn’t know what to do, or how to make the kid feel better. He blurts, “I’m in Texas.”

Fuck. He hadn’t wanted to give that away. But why did it matter now anyway? It’s not like they would ever meet in person, right? It’s not like Buck was going to steal his information or try to fly out to Texas and murder him.

**_I’ve never been to Texas! What’s it like?_ **

“Hot. Dry. Dead.”

**_Pennsylvania is pretty cold. We get snow._ **

“I’ve never been to the snow,” Eddie says, and it’s true.

**_I’ll show you someday!_ **

Eddie chuckles at Buck’s enthusiasm. He admires that in the kid, the ability to jump back from his sadness, from the weight of the world that he knew Buck felt. 

He remembers the panic attack Buck had in his room that Eddie somehow ended up in the middle of. It was what caused him to break his years long silence. The pain he felt, the crushing emptiness that followed...it was enough to punch all of the breath out of Eddie. He couldn’t just let Buck flounder, and Eddie admits, he also wanted the pain to stop in his own head. So he spoke to Buck, hoping it would calm him down.

Eddie shakes his head, trying not to think about it. 

“Okay. Deal.”

Eddie’s phone rings. “Great. It’s my mom. I gotta go home, Buck.”

 **_Okay._ ** Buck says reluctantly. Eddie starts making his way back to his house. **_Hey Eddie?_ **

“Yeah?”

**_Can we talk again later?_ **

Eddie wants to say no. He wants to say he doesn’t want to talk to a voice in his head. He doesn’t want to be the crazy one in his family. Doesn’t want to feel anymore abnormal than he already did.

But there was something about Buck, something magnetizing, something that made him want to see Buck’s world...made him want Buck to see his.

“Okay,” Eddie says.

This time he means it, and Eddie knows that the joy--the absolute _relief_ \--that spreads throughout his whole body is entirely Buck’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I went the overly religious route with Buck's parents and since we don't actually have canon confirmation of Maddie's full name, I ran with it for this au.
> 
> And yes the chapter title is an Owl City reference
> 
> The song Eddie is listening to is Rosas by La Oreja de Van Gogh


	3. I haven't seen half the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold+ italics: words spoken out loud or heard by the person not physically there  
> regular italics: thoughts of the POV character, cannot be heard  
> regular quotations: words spoken out loud by the POV character and can be heard by the person not there
> 
> Also as a heads up, Shannon might be a bit OOC in this fic (including once we actually get to canon events), hopefully in a good way. I did not want to make her a villain but I also didn't want to completely erase the bad choices and mistakes she made. Anyway, here you go!

18 Years Old: Buck 

Buck storms out of his house, and starts running. He doesn’t care where he’s going, he just has to get as far away from his home as possible. He starts to slow down as he gets towards the end of the edge of town. It’s a single road in and out of Hersey, Pennsylvania. 

There’s a sign next to the road.

_We’ll miss you! Come back soon to the sweetest place on earth._

It was far from the sweetest place on earth. All it would take was a few steps and he would be completely out. If he could just take one more step, he could be gone.

Far far away from Pennsylvania. Away from his house, from his parents. 

**_Why don’t you_** ** _leave?_** Eddie asks.

Buck flinches, not because of Eddie, but because it hits him that he can’t bring his foot forward to cross the line out of Hersey. 

“Shut up,” Buck says, trying to tune Eddie out but he can’t. He _wants_ Eddie in his head. 

He always wants Eddie in his head.

**_You could make me, you_ ** _**know.** _

Buck knows.

“I…”

Not for the first time, Buck wishes Eddie could read his mind. It would make this so much easier. He didn’t want to relive it all.

“Did you--did you hear any of that? Before?” Buck asks. He didn’t feel Eddie in his head when he’d been yelling at his parents, but he was so distracted at that point that he very well could’ve missed Eddie popping up.

**_No._ ** Eddie says. **_I didn’t hear your conversation_** ** _._** _This time._ It goes unsaid. That was the thing about being in someone else’s head, is that they could slip in and out so easily, hear things you didn’t want them to hear, see things you didn’t want them to see. 

Normally Buck didn’t mind Eddie sliding in and out of his head. He enjoyed it usually. Was relieved to know he wasn’t alone. That someone else knew him, could feel what he was going through. Could empathize. 

“They--” Buck groans. “They’re mad because I told them I wasn’t going to college.”

**_No? Didn’t you get into Penn State?_ **

“I don’t want to stay in this fucking state,” Buck curses.

**_That’s not it. You got into UCLA and UDub. You could get out of Pennsylvania, so why don’t you want to go to school?_ **

“Because!” Buck starts pacing, walking the width of the street until he reaches the dirt and trees before turning around heading to the other side. “They want me to be someone I’m not! Maddie became a nurse and she married Doug who’s a doctor. My dad wants me to go into business but I don’t want to do that.”

**_What do you want to do?_ **

Buck stops, hanging his head. That was the fucking problem, wasn’t it? He didn’t know what he wanted to do. He didn’t have skills. Sure, he graduated high school with honors, but who cares if he got a 4.0 if he went to school and did something he hated and wasted all his damn time trying to please his parents _again?_

“Nothing I do will ever please them,” Buck says, running a hand down his face. “I just...I want to travel. I’ve never been out of Pennsylvania. I feel like I’ve been cooped up in my house for eighteen years straight and I’m fucking sick of it.”

Eddie hums. **_I know the_** _ **feeling.**_

“Eddie…” Buck sighs. “I’m sorry--”

**_It’s fine. Guess we’re in the same boat. Endless cycle of jobs and school until we die._ **

“You’re gonna get out, Eddie,” Buck says. “Both of us will. I promise.”

**_Don’t make promises you can’t_ ** _**keep.** _

“I won’t break this one,” Buck reassures him. “I won’t.”

**_If you say so._ **

Buck turns back around to look at the leaving Pennsylvania sign. 

He turns around and starts walking back home.

**_One_** _ **day,**_ Eddie tells him.

Buck makes it back home, sneaks back in seeing that the house was dark and his parents were asleep in their room. 

Back in his room he rummages around in his drawers until he finds what he’s looking for. 

The largest book of maps of America.

“I think that day’s today.”

He rips the fold-up map out of the book and spreads it out against his wall. He pins it up quickly and then stops.

“Shit, I don’t have darts.”

Eddie laughs. A small smile comes over Buck’s face. Trust Eddie to make Buck feel better by doing absolutely nothing at all.

**_You obviously didn’t think this through_** _ **.**_

“My mom didn’t let us play with any sharp toys. Thought we’d take our eyes out.”

Buck says “fuck it” and heads out of the house again, making his way to the nearest 24 hour store.

**_You don’t even know if they’re gonna have darts!_ **Eddie argues.

“I gotta at least try.”

Buck finds a Walmart that’s still open and goes inside. Soon enough he finds the darts and makes his way back home.

“Ready?” Buck asks. “Let’s see where I’m going first.”

The truth was Buck already knew where he wanted to go first, but he knew he would freak Eddie out if he mentioned going anywhere near Texas. 

Buck closes his eyes. **_Hey, I can’t see!_ **

“You’re not supposed to!”

He takes aim and throws. The first dart clean bounces off the wall and clatters to the floor. Eddie laughs straight in his ear.

**_That was pathetic._ **

“Shut up,” Buck chides even though it makes him smile. “One more try.”

After three more tries, Buck manages to make one dart stick.

**_Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Huh. Could be fun._ **

Buck wants to say _come meet me there_. He wants to tell Eddie to hightail it out of Texas and meet up with Buck in Louisiana. It could be fun, the two of them traveling together. Buck thought of all the adventures they could get up to together. Maybe they could even go to the Mardi Gras together. Buck would throw a bunch of beaded necklaces over Eddie’s neck, drag him by the beads into a hug. 

**_When are you gonna go?_ **Eddie asks. 

“I gotta get a car first,” Buck tells him. “I was down at the lot the other day and saw a jeep going for pretty cheap. If I use my savings for that--”

**_You mean your college savings?_ **

“I’m not going to college. So it’s my travel savings now.”

Eddie is silent for a long time to the point where Buck wonders if he’s left. It’s only when his vision goes fuzzy, and he can see Eddie’s surroundings, sitting on his front porch and looking out at the street in front of him with a beer in his hand that tells Buck he hasn’t left altogether. 

“Eddie?”

**_I envy you_** _ **,**_ Eddie says. **_Even if I could travel, I’m not sure I’d ever be able to do it._ **

Buck looks at his map of the United States, then holds up his book of world maps. One day he’d travel all over the world too. He wasn’t going to just stick to America. He’d go to South America and he’d go to Asia and Africa and Europe. He’d set foot on every continent before he died. And he’d take Eddie with him.

“I guess that’s the perk of being inside each other’s heads, huh?” Buck says. He takes his hand and presses it into his own arm, rubbing it firmly before letting it linger on his shoulder. “Anywhere I go, I can take you with me.”

Buck feels Eddie’s hand on his knee. **_You’d really want to take me with you? I’d feel bad. Making you carry me around like literal baggage._ **

“You could never be baggage to me,” Buck says, and he’s serious. 

Sometimes it feels like the only thing that Buck likes about himself is Eddie.

**_You really mean that, don’t you._ **It’s a statement, not a question. They both know it. Buck can feel it in the warmth that swirls in his chest that he knows isn’t his, but at the same time Buck shares the same feeling. Like a layer cake, his own emotions are a different flavor than Eddie’s, but the blend is perfection.

The next day, Buck takes out his savings and purchases the second hand jeep. When he drives it home and parks it on the side of the road, his mom throws a fit. She cries that it’s dangerous and he was too young to go off by himself.

“Evan Buckley, where do you think you’re going?” His dad grits out through his teeth.

“Nowhere you need to know,” Buck responds as he zips up his duffel and storms down the stairs. He throws the duffel into the trunk and then gets into the front seat.

“Evan, please, please don’t do this,” His mom throws herself in front of his car, standing right at the hood so that he can’t move forward.

His dad stumbles forward, grabbing his mom and pulling her back out of the way of his car. He glares at Buck and clutches his mom to his body. 

“You leave right now, don’t you ever come back,” his dad growls.

Buck stares him straight in the eye, and turns the engine over.

With that, he peels off his street and keeps driving until he soon comes upon the leaving Pennsylvania sign.

**_I’m proud of you,_ ** **_Buck._ **

And that’s enough for him.

*

22 Years Old: Eddie

It’s been a long, grueling day. He did the night shift at the store for Victor and then by the time he got home he only had time for about two hours of sleep before he had to get up and get ready to go down to the repair shop.

There were four cars lined up for that day and Eddie ended up slaving away for hours until the late hours of the afternoon.

There was only one more car scheduled to work on before his shift ended.

It was a light blue bug, a rather old model. He always hated these cars, and not just because his sisters had _always_ insisted on punching him in the arms whenever they saw one on the road. But also just because they were gaudy and stuck out among the Texan pick-up trucks. It usually screamed Out of State whenever he saw them.

And lo and behold, this bug had California plates. 

He fixes the car and then goes around front to drop the keys back off. The kid who runs the front desk isn’t there when Eddie looks for him and he groans. That means _he’s_ going to have to be the one to go give the driver her keys back. He just hopes that it goes painlessly.

He takes a look at the sheet with the customer’s information. “Shannon Kelley?” he calls out.

And then a woman with shoulder length brown hair and bangs stands up. She’s wearing a light pink floral dress and she’s--

She’s fucking beautiful.

Eddie stares, completely frozen, as she walks forward. It’s like she’s moving in slow motion, her dress flows and hair flips casually over her shoulder. She stops in front of him and Eddie can see she has striking blue eyes. Her mouth moves and words come out but they go in one ear and out the other. 

**_Damn it, Eddie, speak!_ **

“Uh. Hi.” Eddie says. 

The woman, Shannon, tilts her head at him strangely, but she gives him an amused smile. “Hi.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Er--sorry. Your car is finished. Here are the keys.”

He shoots his hand out in front of him awkwardly. Shannon smiles again and holy shit, Eddie is fucking floored.

“Thanks…” she looks down at his chest. “Eddie.”

“You know my name?"

She points at his name tag. 

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Hah.”

**_Smooth_** _ **.**_

_Shut up, Buck!_

**_Ask her_ ** _**out.** _

“Um, here are your keys. Your car is out back,” Eddie tells her. She smiles her pretty smile again, tells him thanks and then is walking out the door.

**_You dingus! You let her go!_ **

“Shut _up,”_ Eddie grits out as he turns the corner, back to the employee locker room where he changes out of his cover-alls back into his own clothes.

**_No, I don’t think I will, actually. Why didn’t you ask her out?!_ **

_“Because._ It would’ve been unprofessional. No one likes getting hit on randomly like that.”

**_Hmm,_ ** Buck says. **_I do_** _ **.**_

Eddie laughs to himself. “That’s cause you’re you.”

**_Hurtful._ ** But Eddie feels the amusement wrapping around his shoulders like Buck had just thrown his arms around him. 

“You talking to someone, Diaz?” Jack’s voice comes from behind him. Eddie nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Oh, uh--no, sorry."

**_Tell him to fuck_ ** _**off.** _

Jack eyes him with a scrutinized look. “You sure you’re okay, Diaz? You’ve been pretty out of it recently. Fidgety.”

**_What’s it to you?_ **

Eddie shakes his head. “I’m fine. Sorry. Just tired. Haven’t been getting much sleep lately.”

Jack crosses his arms. “Alright. See to it that you do. Don’t need you falling asleep at work.”

Eddie nods and makes his way out.

“Way to go, almost getting me in trouble at work,” Eddie says as he climbs into his truck and makes his way towards the bar he said he was going to meet his cousins at after work. Really, he just wanted to go home and sleep but if his mom finds out he ditched his cousins, she’ll chastise him for being rude.

He parks outside, and gets out. 

He nearly trips over the gravel when he spots a familiar blue bug.

“Oh shit.”

**_Oh SHIT! This is your chance, Eddie!_ **

Eddie tries to shake Buck out of his head as he walks into the bar. “No. She’s probably here for something else. She doesn’t want a stranger bothering her.”

**_Well, you could very easily_ ** **not** **_be a stranger. You know. If you introduce yourself. Chat her up._ **

He meets up with his cousins, ordering a beer and listens idly to what they were talking about, joining in for a bit. Thankfully, he doesn’t see Shannon around anywhere.

The bathroom door swings open and the familiar pink dress and pretty hair walks out.

His cousin catches Eddie’s eye. “Ooooh, Eddie you hitting that?”

“What? No!”

**_He wants to._ **

“Shut up.”

His cousin ribs him. “Go get her number, brother. She’s sexy.”

Eddie grits his teeth. 

“If you don’t, I will,” his cousin says.

_“Fine,”_ Eddie grits and stands up. “But I don’t want to hear another word out of you.” He says it both to his cousin and to Buck who was cackling gleefully in his head.

Eddie’s vision blurs and he sees that Buck is also sitting at a bar. He can hear two types of music playing. In the bar he’s at country music is playing, some sort of bro-country song that Eddie didn’t really like. Where Buck is the music has more of a beat. More hip hop than rock.

Eddie spots Shannon and immediately throws himself behind a pillar. 

**_Eddie, you can do_ ** _**this.** _

“The last time I was with someone she dumped me because I was boring.”

**_So don’t be boring,_ **Buck says like it’s easy. Eddie watches as the man seemingly wipes down the bar. 

“Are you bartending right now?”

**_Don’t try and change the subject. You need to go seduce the panties off this_ ** _**chick.** _

Eddie grimaces. “Do you really have to say it like that? I don’t just want to sleep with her.”

Something fuzzy sweeps over Eddie. He knows instinctively that Buck is smiling. **_You’re a good guy, Eddie. Anyone would be lucky to have you._ **

There’s an ache in his chest that’s not his. “Buck…?”

**_Maybe there could be something real there, you know?_ ** Buck says. **_Maybe she could be your future._ **

“I don’t know about that,” Eddie murmurs under his breath, backing himself against the pillar. 

**_You’ll never know if you never try._ **

He’s got a point, Eddie thinks begrudgingly. He stands up and walks towards Shannon. She catches his eye and Eddie’s gut sinks realizing he can’t just turn around and forget about it anymore. She smiles at him, her torso turning towards him, beckoning him over if he ever saw it.

He stops in front of her table. Words don’t form on his mouth. 

_Come on, Eddie,_ he thinks to himself.

“Hi there,” Shannon says first. “Eddie, right?”

“Yeah. You remembered.”

She laughs. “Believe it or not, I don’t have the memory of a goldfish.”

Eddie lets out a surprised laugh and he hears Buck make a noise in his head.

**_Ooh, she’s into you. Makes sense. Who wouldn’t be into you?_ **

Eddie doesn’t have time to unpack all of that right now, so instead he settles into a tried and true, “Can I buy you a drink?”

They continue talking, Shannon pulling out a seat at her table and Eddie sits down. It’s actually going pretty well. Shannon’s funny, and sweet and she can hold an interesting conversation. He learns that she’s actually here visiting her father’s family, but she lives in California and just graduated from school over there. 

“Any plans to move here?” he asks her.

She shrugs slyly. “Well, I don’t know. Maybe if I’m given a reason to stay.”

**_Oh she’s_ ** **really** **_into you. You’ve got this in the bag. She’s laughing at all your jokes, she’s touching your biceps. You could just lean in and--_ **

He just needs Buck to stop distracting him, narrating the entire moment. It makes him feel like he’s in some sort of TV show with people watching and commenting on every move he makes.

He shuts his eyes tight, and hangs up on Buck. He knows it’s rude, and that he shouldn’t have done it. He didn’t want to make Buck feel bad, but he couldn’t deal with the peanut gallery comments anymore. Not right now. 

_Sorry,_ he says in his head even though he knows Buck won’t hear him. 

He and Shannon talk for several hours. Her friends leave somewhat early and when Eddie turns around he sees his cousins have ditched him too.

“Hey,” Eddie starts. “I don’t mean to seem presumptuous, but I’m having fun. And I hope you’re having fun too.”

“I am,” Shannon assures him, leaning forward with a hand on his thigh. 

“If you want,” Eddie looks down at his thigh with a dry mouth. “You can come back to my place. Just hang out. Maybe watch some TV?”

Shannon’s eyes twinkle. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Maybe there was something here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Feel Bad" by A Story Told --which BTW is totally a Buck song :)


	4. take your picture off another wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter and when I tell y'all that I cried so hard I gave myself a headache and a bloated face the next day writing Eddie's portion--anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter as much I do.
> 
> TW's mentioned in the end notes

19 Years Old: Buck 

The next dart on Buck’s map sees him in Miami, Florida, and Buck finds that he likes it there just as much as he liked Louisiana. He gets another bartending job because apparently if you find the right bars they simply do not care if Buck isn’t legally old enough to drink. He never drinks on the job anyway. But sometimes he feels the buzz at odd times, on Tuesday evenings, around 5:30. Happy hour. He wonders if Eddie’s having a good time.

The older man has been shutting Buck out more often than not lately.

Buck gets it, in a way. He was building a life in Texas, with Shannon. He wanted his privacy. Sometimes, late at night, his vision would blur and he’d find himself looking down at Shannon underneath him, and he’d feel a familiar arousal in his gut and Buck would slam the line closed immediately.

He guessed that when Eddie was fucking Shannon it was a lot harder for him to keep his mind focused and closed off from Buck. Buck didn’t know if Eddie even realized that Buck sometimes slipped into his mind at inconvenient times. As much as Buck wanted to talk to Eddie, wanted to see what he was up to, be a part of his life, he couldn’t. Especially at times like that, when Eddie was having private moments with his girlfriend. It made Buck feel weird, and voyeuristic and _not_ in the hot way. He wanted Eddie to trust him, and in order for Eddie to feel that Buck had to respect the fact that sometimes Eddie just didn’t want Buck in his head. 

Even if not being able to talk to Eddie killed him. Made him long for friends, _physical_ friends that he could hang out with in person. People he could talk to without worrying that he was seeing things or hearing things they didn’t want him to. But moving around a lot meant it was hard for him to build connections. He’d make friends with coworkers sometimes, but they all had their own lives and their own friends and those friendships never crossed the boundary of work. 

Buck was lonely. Sometimes he talked to his sister on the phone. She was the only family member he still talked to. It had been a little over a year since he left home and he’d reached out to Maddie who was happy to hear that he had also gotten out of that house. 

She seemed happy with Doug. They were apparently going to get married and move back to Pennsylvania. Buck tried not to let the resentment bleed into his voice when he told her how happy he was for her. How it was so convenient that it was only now that Buck had left the state that Maddie had decided to come back.

So Buck made friends the other way. That was the nice thing about bars and clubs in places like New Orleans or Miami. People were there to have a good time, and people were always on the move. There was no one looking for commitment, no one to disappoint. 

No one really cared that he was nineteen. He was legal in the eyes of the law, so who cared if he slept with twenty five year olds or thirty year olds. It felt good to be desired. There were men and women who looked at him and thought that he was _handsome_ and _sexy._

He’d grown up a bit. He hit a growth spurt, rocketing up to 6 foot over the last few years. For all he knew he might still be growing. Might make it 6’5 or something. He could play pro ball if he was any good at it. Which he wasn’t. He still had some acne, but the hair on his chin and jaw had started to grow out and that covered all of the acne scars with the added bonus of making him look and feel older. He’d begun working out more. The first thing he’d do once he settled in a city and found a place to crash was look for a 24 hour gym that would let him have a month to month subscription. When he wasn’t exploring the city or working, he would be at the gym. 

The farther he put himself away from Pennsylvania, from the scrawny little Evan Buckley who couldn’t watch TV, or hang out with girls, or bring any friends home, or join any teams, the better. When he’d first hit puberty the first thing his mom said was to stay away from girls. Don’t get anywhere near them or they would get pregnant and sex before marriage was the most grievous of sins.

So, of course, the second he found someone willing in Baton Rouge, Buck had slept with her. He felt undeveloped, and young, not losing his virginity until he was 18 years old. But once he’d done it, the thrill of it all, being with someone who wanted him, who thought he was sexy and _wanted_ him. It filled something in Buck, something that was empty and cavernous and oozing. It was...addicting. He didn’t want to stop once he’d gotten a taste. It didn’t matter to him if no one ever wanted to stay the night, or if the best reason they could think to give Buck their number was in case of booty calls--not dates. It’s okay if no one ever learned his real name, he didn’t want them to. But, something in him at least wanted someone to care enough to ask.

He tried his best to not let himself get too lost in it, when he fell into bed with a girl, or when he let a guy have his way with him. Tried to make sure that when his eyes rolled back in his head that he didn’t suddenly open them and find himself looking out through Eddie’s eyes. 

But...if Eddie ever felt it when Buck was doing those things...he hoped the older man at least enjoyed it.

He just wanted to be liked, wanted to be _desired,_ by anyone and everyone.

After a while he started to get tired of Miami. His twentieth birthday was just around the corner and he wanted to go somewhere cooler. Maybe he’d make the trip to the Pacific Northwest, check out Portland or Seattle. 

He was walking home from the bar, around 8am in the morning, when suddenly he wasn’t standing on a busy sidewalk anymore. He was seized with a sharp pain in his chest, but it wasn’t coming from him. The busy sidewalk and the pedestrians passing by him blurred until he was in Eddie’s apartment, staring at Shannon who was crying.

Buck slows down to near stop.

 **_Eddie, I can’t do this._ ** Shannon sobs. **_I’m only twenty-two, I can’t be a mother._ **

Buck gasps, someone knocks into his shoulder and nearly sends him flying to the ground. Buck scrambles to get out of the way, finds his back knocked against the wall of a building.

**_Shannon, I--I don’t know what to do. What do you want me to do?_ **

Eddie wraps Shannon into a hug and the woman breaks down into uncontrollable sobs. Buck feels a wave of panic and fear surge over him. 

_Shit, shit,_ Buck thinks. He shouldn’t be listening to this. Holy shit, Eddie was going to be a _dad?!_

Buck takes off in a run, as fast as he could, dodging people left and right while the sound of Shannon’s sobs echoes around him. 

It’s not until he stumbles into his apartment, and he’s able to sink onto the ground, clutching his chest, that he hears Eddie speak again.

**_I...Shannon should we...maybe think about what our options are here?_ **

They’re sitting on the couch, Shannon putting almost a whole person’s worth of space between her and Eddie. 

**_No, I--Eddie I can’t. I can’t._ **

**_T-There’s adoption o-or--_ **

**_NO!_ **The pain slams into Buck’s head and he’s trying to close the line. He shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be witnessing this moment that’s not his to see. Eddie didn’t want him to see.

**_I can’t get an abortion, and I--I don’t want to put it up for adoption. I just--I just don’t want to be pregnant. We--_ **

The slow burning guilt scrapes away at Buck’s lungs, Eddie’s guilt.

Then...something like resolve.

**_Marry me._ **

“Oh fuck.” Buck’s hands fly to his mouth, clamping them shut. 

_Marry me, marry me, marry me._ Eddie was going to get married.

If Eddie hears Buck, he doesn’t let on. Shannon starts crying all over again. 

**_Marry me, Shannon._ ** Eddie insists again. **_Then we can be a family. We can raise our baby together and…_ **

**_Eddie, I don’t know if I’m ready to be married. I was..._ ** Shannon wipes her face. **_I was going to go to grad school. Get my masters. Eddie, babies are incredibly expensive and there’s no way we’re going to be able to afford it all._ **

**_I’ll get another job. I--I’ll--_ **

**_I need to go. I need some space._ **Shannon stands up, despite Eddie’s pleas and makes her way to the door. 

**_Shannon, wait--_ ** the door slams in their faces.

Eddie finds his way back to his couch and sits down, with his head in his hands. Buck wants to reach out to him, wants to let Eddie know that he’s there for him...but he can’t bring himself to say anything. So instead, he reaches his arms out and wraps them around his shoulder and midsection and squeezes. His thumb grazes his own neck and lets his head loll to the side.

There’s a tiny gasp from the other end, and then a small, **_Buck…_ **

“I’m here, Eddie,” Buck whispers softly. “I got you.”

The dam breaks loose and Buck feels Eddie crumple. 

“Hey, hey, shh,” Buck soothes, tightening his hold on his midsection. He hopes Eddie feels his every touch. “I’ve got you, Eddie.”

 **_I can’t be a dad._ ** It comes out so broken, so terrified. For the first time, Eddie sounds _young._ Buck had been so used to thinking of Eddie as someone so much older than him, so much more mature. Buck was used to feeling like the young one, the one that needed protecting, the one that needed the soothing. It felt good, in some sick way, to be the one taking care of Eddie. Holding him, in the only way he could, while Eddie cried his heart out. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Eddie. Whatever you and Shannon choose, you’re gonna be okay.”

 **_You don’t--_ ** his voice cracks and he takes a shuddering breath in-- **_You don’t know that. I can, I can barely make ends meet with two jobs. I’m gonna have to to go back to working with my dad, and I swore I wouldn’t. And Shannon--she’s not gonna be able to work with a kid on the way and I--Buck, I won’t be a good father._ **

“Eddie, you don’t know that,” Buck shakes his head, bringing his hands down to press into his clavicle. 

**_I do. I--_ ** he sniffles and then chuckles darkly-- **_Buck, I don’t--I don’t feel things the same way you do. When I see your world it’s like--shit, it’s like I’m seeing in color and then I realize that somehow...I’ve been living in black and white my whole life. How am I supposed to raise a child if I can’t even feel like a normal person?_ **

“No,” Buck whispers and turns his head to press into his own hand. “No, Eddie. I feel you. I feel it all. You just...you’re like me. The emptiness eats at us, but...it’s--you’re not alone, Eddie. I won’t leave you.”

That seems to set Eddie off again, because he can feel the ghost of tear tracks running over his own face. He’s not sure if they’re his or not. Could be both.

**_I shut you out. Again. Why do you even still want to talk to me?_ **

“Because you’re Eddie,” Buck says simply. “You’re my best friend.” _I love you,_ he doesn’t say. 

Eddie swipes his tears away from his face. **_I’m sorry._ **

“Don’t be,” Buck shushes. “You needed privacy. You were building your relationship with Shannon--”

 **_And now it’s about to completely fall apart. I don’t--I don’t know what she’s going to do with it, but--_ ** he shudders-- **_I don’t think we’re gonna survive this._**

“Who says?” Buck says. “Why does this have to be the end? You could have the most amazing kid...and you would know not to treat it like how our parents treated us. You would love them with all your heart, Eddie, I know you would.”

Eddie nods and then Buck feels his fingers sliding over where Buck is holding himself. He stretches his hand out, and if he focuses hard enough, he can feel their fingers sliding within each other’s.

“You’ll figure it out, Eddie,” Buck assures him. “You’re smart, and resourceful.”

A flicker of something passes through Eddie, but it’s gone so quickly Buck couldn’t even catch it. 

**_I think...I have an idea._ **

“Told you,” Buck says with a smile. 

**_I’m gonna marry her, if she’ll have me. And we’ll have our kid. I’ll do whatever I can to provide for them. That’s what a father is supposed to do, right?_ **

Buck just wished his father loved him.

“Do what you have to do, Eddie.”

Eddie nods, sniffling and wiping his nose.

**_I will._ **

Buck feels comfortable, lying on his couch with Eddie somehow wrapped in his arms. He doesn’t want to lose this. He wants to feel it all the time. But Eddie’s getting married. Pretty soon, he’ll have a baby. He’ll be busy with his own family, and Buck...Buck will likely end up alone again. So while he can, Buck lets himself soak up the affection, the easiness surrounding them. 

**_Thank you..._ **Eddie says a moment later.

“For what?” They’re still holding hands, Buck strokes the soft skin between his thumb and forefinger.

**_For having my back._ **

He chuckles. “Kinda hard not to.”

 **_No._ ** It’s sharp. **_It’s easy to just pretend you aren’t there. It’s easy to just shut you out. Hang up the phone. I’ve done that to you over and over and you’ve never once done that to me. You’ve always been there when I needed someone. I’ve not been that for you._ **

Buck bites his lip. Eddie’s right. 

“Well…” Buck starts. “Maybe...maybe you can have mine now.”

This time Eddie squeezes his hand. 

**_Deal._**

*

24 Years Old: Eddie

Eddie had gone straight from the airport to the hospital. He managed to get a two-week leave from his enlistment to get to the hospital to see the birth of his son. Quite frankly...it was the most beautiful experience Eddie had ever had in his entire life. Shannon had screamed and that had terrified Eddie. He didn’t know if birth was always supposed to be like this? So bloody and sweaty. 

Birth reminded Eddie of war, but this time Shannon was the soldier. Eddie felt helpless, just standing by her side, holding her hand while she pushed. There were complications with the birth. Eddie nearly had a panic attack when the doctor had whispered to the helping nurse that something was wrong. 

His son had got caught in the birth canal. Shannon was in pain. He knew it was killing her, the way she screamed and sobbed, the way she brutalized Eddie’s hand. He thinks he’ll likely still have the scars from her nails embedded into the meat of his hands for years to come.

But then...then his beautiful baby boy had been born. They’d gotten through it, Shannon had soldiered on and Eddie had never been more in awe of her power, her beauty. She was stronger than Eddie would ever be. He could go off to war and get shot at, but this woman has just pushed through 16 hours of labor and still came out with a smile on her face.

And Christopher…

Eddie could cry for how much he loved the little boy he held in his arms. He did cry, but he made sure that no one saw him when he did so. He didn’t need his dad ribbing him for getting emotional, or his mom asking him why he was crying when he did nothing but sit in a chair while Shannon pushed a whole human out of her body. 

They kept Shannon overnight the first two nights so they could check on her and make sure Christopher was healthy enough to go home with them. But the third night, Shannon was able to be discharged and Eddie took her and Christopher home. Eddie’s parents had tried to get the pair of them to stay at their house so they could help take care of Shannon but Eddie had declined. 

He was only given two weeks. He wanted to spend them with his family without his parents staring over his shoulder every two seconds. 

The first night, he just let Shannon sleep. His wife was exhausted and Eddie didn’t want to force her to get up every ten minutes to check on Christopher. He promised he would do it. While he had the time, he wanted to spend as much of it as he could with his baby son.

Shannon didn’t like the idea of Eddie taking care of Christopher when she wasn’t awake, but Eddie assured her it would be fine. He could take care of him while she napped and if he needed help, he would call for her.

Eddie sat in the rocking chair in Christopher’s room and just gazed at the little boy in his cradle. Eddie couldn’t stop staring at his face. It was just so small and chubby and pale. He was sticking his tongue out, little dribble bubbles popping out, in his sleep. Christopher was beautiful. Eddie leaned on his elbow, just marveling over the little blonde hairs on Christopher’s head. If he looked closely he could see the nearly translucent eyelashes on his closed eyes.

The steady rise and fall of Christopher’s chest through his blanket was the only thing keeping Eddie breathing. How the fuck was he supposed to go back to Afghanistan after this? How was he supposed to leave Christopher now? After seeing him, so small, so fragile, so in need of his father.

He couldn’t regret enlisting. It was the only reason he and Shannon were able to purchase this house for cheap. It was the only reason Shannon didn’t have to work while she was pregnant and didn’t have to work while she was taking care of Christopher.

The military paid married couples better than unmarried couples. And then paid even more if he had a kid. The more dependents, the more money. The more money he made, the more comfortable Shannon and Christopher could live. He needed to do this for his son. He couldn’t just let him flounder and grow up knowing that his dad couldn’t give him what he needed.

Christopher shifts in his sleep, making a little whimper that steadily grew into a larger cry. 

“Shh,” Eddie moves forward and rocks his cradle a little bit. He murmurs lightly, “Hey, mijo, you’re okay. You’re okay, son.”

Christopher’s cries grew louder, so Eddie made the executive decision to pick him up from his cradle and hold him in his arms. Christopher cries start to fade as Eddie rocks the small bundle gently in his arms. “That’s it, buddy. Oh, shh, shh. I love you.”

Christopher drifts off back to sleep, but now that Eddie has Christopher in his arms, he doesn’t want to put him back in his bed. So Eddie takes a seat in the rocking chair again, and decides to just let Christopher sleep gently in his arms while he rocked back and forth. 

Eddie’s reminded briefly of Buck at 15 on the swings. That felt like such a world away. Some day soon he’d get to push his own son on the swings. 

His vision begins to fade and the nursery merges with what looks like...a view of a city from a hill?

“Buck?” Eddie whispers gently. “Where are you?”

 ** _Seattle_** **.** Buck answers simply. **_And you? That doesn’t look like your barracks._**

Eddie smiles. “I’m home.”

 **_In Texas?_ **Buck’s voice picks up with excitement. Not for the first time, Eddie wonders if Buck would have decided to come visit him in Texas if Eddie hadn’t decided to ship off.

“Yeah,” Eddie says. Then slowly he says, “Hey, Buck? I want to introduce you to someone.”

**_Who--?_ **

Eddie looks down at Christopher, his finger moving up to smooth over Christopher’s soft eyebrows and down his cheek. Chris’ cheek twitches slightly in his sleep at the touch of Eddie’s fingertips.

 **_Eddie..._ ** Buck’s voice cracks. **_Eddie is that…?_ **

Eddie nods, and laughs lightly. “Buck, meet my son. Christopher.”

 **_Christopher,_** Eddie can hear the amazement in Buck’s voice, the way his mouth forms the syllable’s of Eddie’s son’s name like it’s a precious gift that Eddie had bestowed on him. **_He’s...Eddie, he’s beautiful._ **

Eddie nods, tears starting to build up in his eyes. “Yeah. He is.”

Buck coos. **_He looks just like his daddy._ **

Eddie snorts. “Please. He looks more like the Michelin Tire Man right now than he looks like me.” Buck laughs brightly and Eddie can’t stop the grin that spreads on his face. “Besides, I’m sure once he grows into his looks he’ll look more like Shannon.”

 **_Maybe,_ ** Buck says. **_But I don’t think it matters. Cause looking at him right now, all I see is you._ **

Tears spring up in Eddie’s eyes again and he tries to blink them away. 

**_Those better be tears of love your shedding right now, Eddie._ **

They both know they’re not. Eddie wipes his face. “I, uh. I have to go back. To Afghanistan. I…” he swallows, trying to catch his breath. “I don’t know if I can do it, Buck. I don’t know if I can leave him.”

**_How much more time do you have left?_ **

“Three years.”

**_Oh._ **

Yeah, oh. Eddie was going to miss the first three years of his only son’s life. Just thinking about it makes Eddie nauseous. He thought he might be able to fight past it, that he could suck it up and get through the next three years without seeing Shannon and Christopher regularly, but now he was realizing that he was foolish to think he could do that. He and Shannon had already made a plan to video call once a week, twice if they could swing it. But Eddie wasn’t naive, he knew that that was going to be difficult. And either way, it wouldn’t be the same. He wouldn’t be there to cradle his baby in his arms in the middle of the night, or to feed him a bottle or to help Shannon when he threw tantrums. He wouldn’t be there to see him crawl for the first time, or see him walk for the first time. 

There’s no way he could see all of that over video chat. He knew Shannon, and her temperament. If she got tired or irritated, there was no way she was gonna be up for the video chats. And even more, he knew his own temperament, and he knew how he got on active duty. Everything weighed on him, the constant state of adrenaline he remained in left him drained, left him struggling to recover in moments of silence. 

He’d been in the Army for less than a year and already he was ready to quit and go home.

As if sensing Eddie’s distress, Christopher starts wiggling and crying again.

**_Is he hungry?_ **

“No,” Eddie says. “We fed him right before he went to sleep.” Eddie lifts him up to sniff his butt. “Don’t think he went.”

Eddie continues rocking him silently, but Christopher doesn’t seem to stop crying.

 **_Maybe..._ ** Buck stops, like he’s reconsidering what he was going to say, but then continues. **_Maybe you could sing to him?_ **

“Me? Sing?”

**_You have a good voice. I’ve heard it._ **

Of course he had. Sometimes Eddie forgot that Buck existed in his head, and wasn’t actually a person he knew in real life. But Buck was real, that much Eddie knew. He had been tempted to Google him, see who popped up. He checked Facebook once, but apparently Evan Buckley was a pretty common name. There was a page full of results and Eddie hadn’t known which Evan Buckley was _his_ Buck. 

“What should I sing?” Eddie asks.

 **_Uh...shit._ ** Buck gasps. **_Sorry Christopher! I meant shoot._ **

“You know he can’t hear you, right?” Eddie nearly laughed. A song pops into his head. It was a song that Eddie remembered hearing quite often because his mom liked the play and loved the movie even more when it came out. Eddie remembered hearing it and feeling an inexplicable longing coming from the singer. A longing for someone they’d never get back. Memories.

So Eddie starts to sing, even though he doesn’t think his voice is any good and the original song is in a much higher key then Eddie would ever be able to hit in his life. Instead he settles for singing under his breath.

"Think of me, think of me fondly when we’ve said goodbye,” he sings in a low tone, not bothering at all to try and hit the high notes. He wasn’t singing to impress, but to soothe. Christopher’s eyes open slightly, but he seems to stop fussing. _“_ Remember me, once in a while, Please promise me you'll try.”

 **_Didn’t take you for a musical theater man,_ **Buck says with a warm smile in his voice.

Eddie ignores him and continues singing. Christopher keeps his eyes open, looking up at Eddie with interest, but he stops crying altogether. 

“Think of all the things we've shared and seen," Eddie’s voice catches and breaks and he can’t stop the tears that escape down his cheeks as he tries to stop it from affecting his voice. "Don't think about the way things might have been.”

He has to stop for a moment because he was getting a bit too choked up to continue singing. He feels a strong hand on his shoulder and forces himself to take a breath. This was the worst idea Buck had yet.

“Think of me, think of me waking silent and resigned,” Eddie manages to start singing again with a clearer voice, but it gets the harder the more he sings and the more he realizes the gravity of what he’ll be missing. “Imagine me trying too hard to put you from my mind.”

Damn it. He started singing because he thought it would get Christopher to stop crying, but now he was the one crying because of the stupid song and his stupid beautiful not stupid at all son in his arms, who just kept looking up at him with such curiosity and such innocence in his eyes. 

“Think of the things we'll never do. There will never be a day when I won't think of you,” It catches in Eddie’s throat and he can’t stop himself from the hiccuped sob that escapes his lips. He turns his head away from Chris, ashamed and embarrassed that he was losing it so thoroughly in front of his son like this. He was supposed to be the father, he wasn’t supposed to be having a breakdown like this over a goddamn song. 

His vision shifts back to the view of Seattle in the moonlight with a cool breeze blowing over him. Eddie shivers when, softly, someone else continues for him. **_Long ago, it seems so long ago, How young and innocent we were. He may not remember me, but I remember him._ **

Eddie, somehow, manages to get himself to calm down just slightly before he croaks out the last part of the song and finishes, “But please promise me that sometimes, you will think of...me.” He ends the last note on a muted exhale.

Eddie finally manages to look down at Christopher again and finds the little boy had somehow managed to fall asleep in mere seconds. Ah, the ease of being a baby. Falling in and out of sleep at a moment’s notice, only worrying about being fed and cleaned and looking for the love and warmth of their parents.

 _I’m sorry, Christopher,_ Eddie thinks to himself. _I’ll come back to you. I promise._

 **_You’ll see him again, Eddie._ ** Buck tells him earnestly. **_You’ll get through the next three years and then you’ll be back home where you can spend every single day with him._ **

“He won’t remember me.”

 **_Yes he will._ ** Buck is adamant. No room for discussion. Eddie almost believes him. **_Even if he might not remember moments like these, he’s going to remember the love he feels for you. And he’ll know that you love him right back._ **

“I love him so much.”

A physical hand lands on Eddie’s shoulder and he startles.

“Sorry, sorry,” Shannon whispers, taking her hand back and using it to wrap her robe around her chest tighter. “I just… I heard crying and--and then I heard singing so I just…”

How long was she standing there? Was she listening to him talk to himself?

“Oh…”

“He’s sleeping soundly now, yes?” She asks, leaning over Eddie’s shoulder and stroking her finger down Christopher’s blanket. “You did that. You’re such a good daddy already.”

Eddie sighs, turning his head. He was beginning to feel the throb in his head from crying. 

“It’s late. We both should get some sleep,” Shannon says. “Let’s go to bed.”

She takes Christopher from his arms and immediately he wants Christopher back. He lets him go, however, and watches as Shannon settles Christopher back in his cradle. She comes back, taking his arm and pulling him along. For this one night, they can put aside their arguments. They can put aside how angry Shannon was by the fact that Eddie would be gone again in just ten days. 

Eddie lays down in his bed next to Shannon. She turns over on her other side, shoving her body pillow under her back. Eddie turns in the other direction and tries to shut his eyes. He sees the vision of the retreating Seattle skyline, and lets himself dream that maybe Buck would be walking towards him next.

A low song sings in his head as he falls asleep. This time, it’s another song Eddie recognizes just a bit. Maybe another song from a play his mom liked. He doesn’t dwell on it, instead lets his eyes fall shut, lulled to sleep by a deep and comforting voice, singing softly under his breath like an afterthought.

**_Another suitcase in another hall. Take your picture off another wall. You'll get by, you always have before. Where am I going to?_ **

_Don't ask anymore,_ Eddie's sleep-addled brain supplies before he's completely out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -mentions of Buck's sexuality/sexcapades at ages 18-19, and mentions of older women and men sleeping with him at these ages  
> -mentions of underage bartending  
> -mentions of slight accidental voyeurism  
> -mentions of abortion
> 
> Eddie sings "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera to Chris. The title of this chapter, and the portion of song that Buck sings at the end/Eddie's last thought is "Another Suitcase in Another Hall" from Evita. Yes, I'm a fan of Andrew Lloyd Weber plays, and I wanted Buck to be aware of musicals in this timeline. If anyone wants to yell at me about how well that song fits Buck please do.


	5. to anyone who's listening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold+ italics: words spoken out loud or heard by the person not physically there  
> regular italics: thoughts of the POV character, cannot be heard  
> regular quotations: words spoken out loud by the POV character and can be heard by the person not there
> 
> TW's in notes but there really aren't many in this chapter

26 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie jolts awake in the middle of the night drenched head to toe in sweat. His breath catches in his chest and he forces the air out through his nose before he chokes on it. The pillow under his head is hard as a rock, the blanket wrapped around his body strangling as he kicks his legs to get it off as soon as possible.

He sits up at his bedside, the air inside the barracks is hot--it’s all too hot. The desert air was frying, even at night, when in Texas the temperature at night would drop to frigid temperatures, here in Afghanistan it never seemed to cool down.

Or maybe it did and there was something wrong with Eddie. He just couldn’t manage a way to get his body to cool down. He was on edge constantly. Even when they were supposed to be sleeping, Eddie could hear the sound of humvees outside, helicopters above. Privates walking around base at all times of day. There was no privacy here, and sometimes Eddie contemplated just taking off in the middle of the night, plunging into the endless desert and just letting the heat overtake him. 

The only thing that stopped him was the thought of Shannon and Christopher at home. But right now, having woken up from his dream in a panic, he was doing everything he could not to think about his family at home.

Eddie needed to get out of here. In just a tanktop and his sweats, he slips out of the barracks and walks until he finds himself hidden behind a building with way less activity. He needed to be alone. If anyone found him, any of his commanding officers...Eddie lets his back hit the wall and sinks down to the gravel. There’s a slight breeze but it's far from cool. It blows sand into Eddie’s face and hair. His tank top itches and he wants to take it off, to see if that would give him some reprieve but decides against it. The tanktop wasn’t the problem. It wouldn’t matter how many layers he took off, he would never be able get rid of this excruciating heat. If he could unzip his skin like a suit and step out of it, maybe. 

He feels a panic attack coming on. Felt it coming since before he woke up. He’d forced himself out of his dream, thinking it might help, but he was wrong. If anything now he couldn’t stop seeing it. Shannon and Christopher’s bloody faces--

No, shit, fuck, stop thinking about it. _Stop fucking thinking about it, you goddamn fucking--_

**_Eddie…_ **?

“Buck,” Eddie manages to grunt out. “Buck, I can’t--”

**_It’s okay, Eddie. Take a deep breath._ **Buck walks him through the steps to calm him down from a panic attack. It starts to help but it’s not enough. 

He feels hands on his cheeks, fingers combing through his hair. **_I won’t ask if you’re okay, but I will listen if you want to talk._ **

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I don’t want to talk about me. Just--distract me, Buck. Please.”

**_What do you want to know?_ **

“Where are you?”

As Eddie stares out at the dark desert, his vision shifts and he’s looking at a world of endless white. Ranges of mountains all covered in a blanket of clouds. And--

“Is it...snowing?”

Buck hums. **_Yeah. I’m in Colorado. In the mountains._ **

Barely a state away from the Northernmost tip of Texas. It wasn’t anywhere near El Paso, but just the prospect of being so close to Texas, yet so far away, made Eddie yearn to be back in the States. 

The snow flutters down in circlets, falling lightly onto Buck’s uncovered hands. Looking up, Eddie sees as the snow falls on Buck’s face--on Eddie’s face too. It melts on impact, sliding down, almost like tears, before dripping off.

There’s gentle piano music playing.

“What are you listening to?”

**_Ah._ ** Buck sounds embarrassing. **_Classical music. I like listening to piano pieces. It’s one of the few music genres my mom was okay with me and Maddie listening to growing up._ **

Eddie closes his eyes and lets the gentle piano music wash over him. He doesn’t want to see the desert anymore, and with his eyes firmly closed and his eyes tipped back, all he sees is the Colorado mountains and the wisping snow flurry surrounding Buck.

Eddie watches as Buck stands up, walking out into the storm, reaching his arms out towards the sky. A gust of wind catches Buck and the cold washes over Eddie like a wave. He lets out a shuddering breath as the tension in his shoulder begins to fade, as the pain in his head subsides. 

For the first time since he set foot in Afghanistan, since a gun was placed in his hand, since he was pointed towards people to save and people to kill, he feels...not sick to his stomach. He feels...okay.

He can’t exactly see Buck, but he can see that the man is spinning, moving gently through the snow. Everywhere the snow touches his bare skin, Eddie can feel it. Everywhere Buck touches himself--his face, his hands, his neck--Eddie can feel it. 

Shivers rack down his whole body, his muscles going lax. And then Buck is on his back, spreading his arms and legs, looking directly up into the sky.

Eddie smiles, and he feels _free._

“Snow angels?”

**_I used to make them in the front yard with my sister all the time._ ** There’s a hitch in his voice. **_She used to call me her little snow angel._ **

“When was the last time you saw her?”

**_I talked to her a few weeks ago. Or, well, I sent her a text and she responded with one word. I haven’t seen her since her wedding._ **

Eddie brings his hands together, brushing his thumb over the back of his left hand.

Buck hums in thanks. **_Eddie...was it bad? The dream?_ **

Eddie gulps. “Sometimes I forget you can’t actually read my mind.”

**_No...but I can feel it. Nearly knocked me off the side of the mountain I was climbing. Felt like a boulder bashing into my chest._ **

Eddie lets out a long sigh. “It was just a nightmare. It was--Shannon and Christopher.”

**_Oh. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked._ **

Buck is still on his back in the snow, and Eddie can feel the chill seeping into his wet jacket. 

“Thank you,” Eddie says slowly. “For keeping your promise. Showing me the snow.”

Delicious tingles start at the base of Eddie’s neck, spreading down his back until it reaches his fingers and toes.

**_We’ll bring Christopher next time,_ ** Buck promises. As an afterthought he adds, **_and Shannon._**

Eddie can’t help the smile that flickers across his face. “Yeah...I think he’d like that.”

Buck shivers. “You should go get warm. Don’t freeze in the snow.”

**_Do you feel cooler now?_ **

Eddie opens his eyes. He’s no longer in the freezing temperatures of the Colorado mountains but back in the heat of the Afghanistan desert. On the surface, he knew Buck had done this to make Eddie feel better, but hearing it coming directly from him reminds him of just how selfless Buck was. Sure, the timing of Buck being in the snow was coincidental, but the way Buck let himself near freeze so that Eddie would feel better…

“I feel better,” he tells Buck and he’s telling the truth. _You make me feel better._

Buck stands up and throws his overcoat back on as well as his gloves and his scarf. 

**_You know how to reach me, whenever you need me._ **

He knows Buck means it.

“You don’t have to do that.”

**_I want to._ ** Buck starts walking through the forest path, down the mountain and Eddie realizes the man had hiked up there all on his own. He’s never really seen Buck with many people, no one like friends, no one like girlfriends. **_If you can’t have Shannon and Chris with you now...the least I could do is make sure you know you still have me. I’m not going anywhere._ **

Most of the time Eddie didn’t feel like he deserved having Evan Buckley in his head. If he had to be crazy, and have someone stuck in his head, he was lucky that it was Buck.

“Do you ever wonder why we can talk to each other like this? Why I can hear you and see what you see?” _Feel what you feel._

Buck chuckles. **_Oh man, I’ve asked myself that question so many times over the years._ **

“Did you find any answers?”

**_Maybe voodoo?_ **

Eddie throws his head back and laughs. “Yeah? You think?” he asks with an amused smile.

**_Yeah! I read a lot about it while I was in New Orleans._ **

“I always thought you were just an imaginary friend. Or--Or maybe a spirit possessing my body.”

Buck snorts. **_You sound like my mom._ **

“I thought I was crazy. I still sometimes feel like that.”

**_I looked into telepathy._ ** Eddie raises an eyebrow even though he knows Buck can’t see it. **_But generally people with telepathy aren’t stuck only talking to one person._ **

“You’re the only one I’ve ever had like this,” Eddie says.

**_Me too. There’s no one but you._ **

“It’s only us,” Eddie agrees. “Maybe that’s a good thing.” He couldn’t imagine having _more_ people stuck in his head. Seeing all of their lives. 

He feels a swell of pride well up in his chest. He knows it's Buck's. He’s _happy_ to be the only one in Eddie’s head. Eddie would roll his eyes but Buck’s delight leaves Eddie a little light-headed. 

“I’ve never heard of any one who can do what we do,” Eddie says. “But to be fair I haven’t done much research.”

**_Believe it or not, there aren’t many people who are open about sharing their mind with another person. I haven’t stumbled across anything exactly like this in my research either._ **

Eddie hums softly. He stares up at the sky and the stars. He’s on the other side of the world from Buck--from Chris--but maybe they were looking up at the same sky. Existing under the same stars.

**_Maybe..._ ** Buck starts slowly. **_Maybe we’re…_ **

“What?” Eddie prods. “Maybe we’re what?”

**_Never mind_. _It’s stupid._ **

“It’s not stupid. Come on, tell me.”

Buck pauses to contemplate. Eventually he says, **_I’ll tell you when you come home. If you still want to know. It’s only a little while longer. Think you can wait?_ **

Eddie chuckles again and shakes his head. 

“I’ll hold you to that.”

**_Counting on it._ **

*

23 Year Old: Buck 

The first time Buck ventures outside of the United States, he finds himself in South America. Brazil is gorgeous. It was hot and humid, similar to Miami, but the sheer amount of _green_ was astounding. It was like all the colors in this country were amplified ten-fold from the States. He found himself getting hired at a bar in the innermost city of Sao Paulo but found that the higher paying bars were the ones closer to the beaches since that’s where most of the tourists congregated. He could also pass easier there given that his Portuguese was _horrendous._

Eddie had laughed and made fun of him when he’d asked Eddie to translate certain things for him.

**_I know basic Spanish. They’re two different languages._ **

“No, but there’s a lot of overlapping commonalities, right?”

**_Yep, pretty sure our words for ‘idiot’ are exactly the same._ **

Working on the beach was nice. There was a cool breeze from the water, but the water itself was always warm. The people were super friendly and they all seemed to take to Buck parading around shirtless pretty nicely. 

He knew he looked good now. All those gym memberships had paid off. He didn’t really need to use his muscles for much but at least it made him look and feel good. And if it caught the eye of good looking beach-goers that was another plus. 

One day a tall man with light brown hair and sparkling green eyes walks into the bar. He’s jacked--more than Buck--and that’s _impressive_ to him. He comes over to the bar with a handful of other jacked guys and ah shit now Buck feels like the scrawniest guy here. He worked so hard to get swole and then these jackholes walked in and now he looks like a freaking noodle again. 

The swole guy with green eyes is wearing a too-tight grey t-shirt that accentuates his pecs _very_ nicely if Buck does say so himself, and written on the breast in white lettering is “NAVY SEAL” along with the outline of the American flag.

_Ohhhhhh._ Now it made sense.

These guys were soldiers. Just like Eddie! But Eddie was the Army and these guys were the Navy…

Truth be told, Buck didn’t know much of the difference other than that the Navy used boats and were on the water. Did they swim fast? The second Buck got back to his apartment, he would fall into a hole researching everything there was to know about the Navy Seals.

The man and his friends come up to the bar, ordering basic drinks that Buck had long since mastered making without having to think about it. He places the drinks in front of them and then moves on to the other patrons. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the sexy beefy guy looking at him, catching his eye a couple of times.

He looks Buck over.

Oh. Okay, things just got interesting maybe.

Things start to slow down once he’s served everyone who’s asking. The guy’s eyes haven’t left Buck, even when his body is turned to converse with his friends. They’re speaking English at least, so maybe Buck has a bit of a chance to not make an ass of himself.

He quickly makes another drink of what the man ordered before and sets it before him. The man tilts his head and narrows his eyes but a smile breaks over his face. Oh _man,_ cute face _and_ a hot body? This was the whole package.

“Thanks,” the man says in Portuguese. “Do you speak English?”

Buck laughs, responding in English, “That’s probably the only phrase in Portuguese I know other than ‘where’s the bathroom’ and ‘wanna get out of here’?”

The man’s eyebrows raise. 

“Those are _very_ important phrases to know,” he says with a bright smile. “I’m impressed.”

“You fluent?” Buck asks.

“I’m Brazilian,” he says. “I’m fluent in English, Portuguese and Spanish. Proficient in most of the other romance languages.” He leans on his elbows, and they flex impressively as he emphasizes the romance. 

“You’re in the US Navy though?” Buck gestures to his breast.

The man nods. “Brazilian _American,_ I should say. You?”

“White American?” Buck jokes. “Not very interesting.”

“Oh, I’d disagree,” the man says, and then winks and oh _yes_ Buck knew he read this guy right. 

**_Is he flirting with you?_ **Eddie’s voice comes suddenly, nearly startling Buck if he wasn’t used to Eddie popping up out of nowhere. 

_I sure hope so,_ Buck thinks.

“What’s your name?” Buck asks, leaning forward on his palms on the bar. 

“Vinícius,” the man says. “But you can call me Vini.”

**_Is this guy serious?_ **

Buck repeats the name, rolling it on his tongue before biting his bottom lip. Vini’s eyes catch on it. “I like it. I’m Buck.”

“Short for anything?”

Buck purses his lips, looking off to the side like he’s contemplating it. “Nah, I wouldn’t describe anything of mine as ‘short’.”

**_This is the cringiest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life._ **

_Then maybe get out of my head? I gave you privacy with Shannon!_ If Eddie could read his mind, he would probably see Buck imagining himself flicking Eddie on the forehead for that comment.

Vini’s eyes darken with interest. 

Exactly 45 minutes later Buck is clocking out and dragging Vini with him to the alley right outside the bar. The second they’re out the door. Buck finds his back up against the wall, strong hands stroking down his sides, his hips as they’re pulled forward to meet Vini’s. 

_God,_ it’s nice making out with someone who’s the same height as him. No bending down or craning his neck to reach a pliant mouth. Buck buries his fingers in Vini’s soft brown hair, panting into his mouth.

Buck’s hard in his jeans already, and even though he normally waits to take people back to his place, recently he’s _really_ been enjoying the thrill of fucking in public, or somewhere where he could get caught. He reaches for Vini’s belt and swiftly starts undoing it.

**_Really?_ ** Eddie grumbles under his breath, almost like he’s trying to not let Buck hear. **_You’re gonna get caught._ **

It doesn’t even register the fact that Eddie is still in his head, still watching what he’s doing. It’s his words that get him, that Eddie thinks Buck and Vini are gonna get caught too. It’s hot, and sends a bolt of lust rushes through his body.

Vini pulls back from Buck’s lips, stilling Buck’s eager hands. “Hold on, hold on,” he says with an amused chuckle. “Hold your horses, baby.”

_Oh?_ Okay. Buck likes that a lot. It’s enough to distract him so that he can latch his mouth to Vini’s neck.

“I wanna take you on a date,” Vini says, pulling back a little more. “Would you like that?”

“What?” **_What?_ **

“Yeah,” Vini says, stroking Buck’s eyebrow right where his birthmark is. “Beautiful man like you deserves it.”

Buck’s toes absolutely curl and if he wasn’t already leaning his weight on the man in front him, he might’ve even gone so far as to say he got weak-kneed.

**_Sleazebag._ **

“You…” Buck starts. “You really wanna go out with me? Like a date?”

Vini leans forward and kisses Buck sweetly.

Holy shit, was this what it felt like to have someone actually _like_ him?

**_I don’t trust him._ **

Buck ignores Eddie’s running commentary and lets himself sink into the open mouthed kiss. Vini pulls back. “Tomorrow? When are you free?”

“Uh--eight,” Buck says. 

“Eight it is,” Vini says, kissing him sweetly one more time before pulling back. “I gotta get back but I will see you tomorrow, Buck.”

“Bye,” Buck lets out on a whimper, watching him head back to the truck with his friends that he’d come in with.

**_Buck you gotta be careful. You don’t know this guy. You’re in a foreign country, he could kidnap you._ **

Buck reels back. “Do you even hear yourself right now? I’m a grown man, Eddie. I can take care of myself.”

Buck makes his way back to his own car, boner officially killed thanks to an _annoying somebody in his head._

**_I’m just saying!_ ** Eddie grunts. **_Trafficking is real._ **

“Where was this concern when I was in the States?” Buck turns the engine over. “This isn’t my first rodeo, Eddie. I didn’t hear any comments then. Oh yeah! That’s because you were _ignoring_ me.”

**_I wasn’t_ ** **ignoring** **_you!_ **

“Sure.” Buck stomps on the gas when the light turns green. “What are you even doing in my head right now anyway?” At this point it was an unspoken agreement that they didn’t peep on each other when the other was...in the throws of passion.

**_I was…_ **

“You were what, Eddie? Bored?”

**_No._ ** Eddie huffed. **_I was just concerned._ **

Buck shakes his head, rolling his eyes, glad for once that Eddie can’t see his face. Why was it that when Buck fucked his way across the United States Eddie turned a blind eye, but when he had a nice guy actually want to _date_ him in Brazil, Eddie was suddenly a concerned citizen?

“Whatever,” Buck huffs. “I’m gonna go on my date. If you’re that concerned, Eddie, if something happens you can call the police from Afghanistan.”

Buck slams his walls down, effectively shutting Eddie out of his head.

In the coming days, Buck won’t hear anything from Eddie. He goes on his date and there’s nothing from Eddie. The date is great, Vini takes him out to eat at an amazing Brazilian restaurant where he charms all of the staff, almost like he knows them, and they give them complimentary desserts and Buck has _never_ been wined and dined like this in his life.

After that, Vini takes him home and fucks him into the mattress until Buck can’t feel anything other than need.

He doesn’t feel Eddie in his head at all.

He tries to enjoy his time with Vini. It’s nice, but Buck isn’t sure if this, whatever it was, was a relationship, or if they were just dating? Or sleeping with each other?

He does keep his promise and researches everything about the Navy SEALs. Some of it he gets to learn first hand. They go on dates and fuck regularly for almost a whole month. Buck doesn’t hear a peep out of Eddie the entire time.

He regrets it, what he said to Eddie. He knew that the older man was just looking out for him. It was just--he was tired of being treated like a little kid who needed to be policed, who needed someone watching his every move because _oh no, little baby Buckley just went and fucked up again, are we really that surprised?_

He thought, of all people, Eddie would understand that. 

But then Vini drops it on him out of nowhere that he’s being transferred to the US Naval base in Japan and he was leaving in exactly one week.

“A week?” Buck says. “But--that--that’s in a _week."_

“I know, baby, but I don’t make the decisions about where I’m assigned.”

Surely, he would’ve known earlier than a week that he was being reassigned? Why wouldn’t he tell Buck? How long did he know? Did he know before he asked Buck out?

He asks if there’s anyway Vini might be able to stay. 

“Sorry. Not my decision.”

It’s that thought that lingers in Buck’s head. It’s what he clings to. Vini leaving was not his decision, it was the Navy’s decision. If Vini had the choice, he would choose to stay here with Buck.

He tries to talk to Vini, see if there was anyway maybe they could work out something long distance. But both of them know at that point, maybe it wasn’t worth it. Or at least, Vini seems to think so. 

He ships out soon after and Buck suddenly can’t stand being in Brazil anymore. Back in his apartment, he pulls out his trusted map that he’s carried with him since that fateful night in his room when he and Eddie had walked to Walmart and bought darts and threw them blindly at the wall.

“I’m sorry, Eddie.” Buck closes his eyes, holding his breath. He digs around in his head. “Can you hear me?”

He doesn’t hear anything in response. 

Buck sits at the foot of his bed, staring at the stupid fucking map in his hands. What the hell was he doing? Was he just going to visit the whole world and just feel empty about the whole thing? It had been his dream to travel, but what had he been doing? He’d get somewhere and then what? He’d bartend, he’d fuck and he’d work out. Occasionally, if he had the motivation, he’d visit tourist traps, but did that even count?

He thought that this freedom was what he wanted. He could go anywhere, he didn’t have to answer to anyone. If he wanted to sleep with someone, he could. If he wanted to drink until he passed out, he could. 

But...nothing ever stuck. He never stayed in one place and none of those places ever wanted him to stay.

No one wanted him to stay.

Buck runs a hand over Asia, Japan where Vini was at. Maybe he could go there? If he was going to travel anyway, maybe he could go wherever Vini went? That way they could stay together. 

Buck spotted Vini’s crumbled Navy SEALS shirt on his chair. He must’ve forgotten it. Buck pulls it down on his lap and stares at it. 

What if he tried to become a SEAL? From what he’d learned from Vini, SEALs got to travel a lot, going wherever they were assigned. They had to be extremely physically fit but if there was anything Buck was confident in, it was how fit he was. 

Being in the Navy was respectable, it was something Buck could actually _do_ with his life. He could get to see the world without having to struggle to earn money and having to just find the nearest bartending job just to eat. The Navy paid well and Buck could actually _help_ people. That’s what people who served their country did, right? That’s what Vini and Eddie were doing. They were in the military and they were protecting the country?

And maybe...he and Vini could get back what they’d lost.

Would Eddie be proud of him? Seeing Buck follow in his footsteps? Buck briefly considered the Army, but he knew that if that got back to Eddie the older man would be uncomfortable. He didn’t like when Buck got too close to where he was.

Buck could respect that. They were already trapped inside each other’s heads. Being near each other physically might be too much for him.

“What do you think, Eddie? Should I do it? Actually make something of my useless life?”

**_You’re not useless._ **

Buck nearly bursts into tears just at the sound of Eddie’s voice. 

“Fuck,” Buck says, blinking it back. “It’s so good to hear your voice, Eddie. I’m so sorry for what I said before. I--I was stupid and selfish and--”

**_No you weren’t,_ ** Eddie says. **_You finally met someone and I was being stupid and ruining your fun. How is he?_ **

Buck shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s in Japan.”

**_Japan?_ **Eddie sounds surprised. Maybe Eddie really hadn’t been inside his head. Had Buck really shut him out that whole time?

“Yeah. Reassigned.”

**_Oh. I’m sorry._ **

“It’s my own fault. I knew what I was getting into.” Buck leans his head back against his bed. If he focuses, he can see through Eddie’s eyes. He’s staring up at a bunk on top of his. “God, I missed you.”

**_You did?_ **Eddie’s voice is a near-whisper.

“Of course I did.” Buck says. He tacks on a short afterthought under his breath. “I miss you all the time.”

Eddie’s voice hitches. Buck wonders if he’s trying to stay quiet for the other’s sleeping near him. 

**_I thought--_ **He breaks off and doesn’t continue the thought.

“No tell me,” Buck urges. “Tell me, Eddie. Please don’t cut me off.”

**_I..._ ** Eddie starts slowly. **_I thought you finally got fed up with me. You didn’t respond when I reached out. I thought..._ ** He swallows. **_I thought that was it. I thought our connection was gone._ **

“No,” Buck breathes out. “It’s not. I’m sorry. I...I just thought that for once I would have someone who…” His lips wobble. Quickly, he lifts his head, swiping his cheeks and sniffing until the tears stop. He clears his throat. “Anyway.”

**_You have the map out._ ** Eddie notices. Buck nods. **_Where are you going next?_ **

Buck sighs, tracing his fingers along the map. “I don’t know. I was thinking maybe I’d enlist.”

Eddie sits up in his bed so fast it nearly makes Buck keel over with motion sickness. Something cold and ugly stabs at Buck’s gut. **_What?!_ **

He _knew_ Eddie wouldn’t like the idea of Buck trying to follow him into the military. 

“Relax,” Buck says. “Not the Army. I was thinking I could be a SEAL.”

Eddie calms down slightly but the edge of nervousness still lingers in his voice. **_This isn’t because you’re trying to follow Vini, is it?_ **

“No,” Buck says instantly. “Not entirely.”

**_Buck..._ ** Eddie starts and then pauses for what feels like five minutes as he tries to figure out what he wants to say. **_Just...think about why you want to do this, okay? Don’t do it for someone else. If you really want to do this...just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons._ **

Buck thinks about it. “I want to do something with my life. Something that feels like I’m making a difference.”

**_Not sure the military is where you’ll find that fulfillment._ **

“But it’s something,” Buck argues. “It’s direction. It’s solid ground.”

He hears Eddie sigh. **_If it’s what you want to do._ **

Buck picks himself up, crawling back into his bed. He lies down on his side and reaches his hands out. He slides his fingers into his own open palm, hoping Eddie feels it. With the heat of the summer and the ocean breeze sweeping in through his apartment, Buck just wants to feel close to Eddie again. He hopes that he hasn’t crossed a line.

Eddie turns on his side in his bunk. He slides his hand into his own and squeezes. 

They lay like that in silence for a while. Sometimes, if Buck thinks hard back on this moment, he can almost trick himself into believing Eddie whispered **_I miss you all the time too_ **into his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -Panic attacks/dreams caused by military violence  
> -mention of potential sex trafficking (no actual sex trafficking happens nor is there an actual genuine threat of it in this story)


	6. make it out untouched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold+ italics: words spoken out loud or heard by the person not physically there  
> regular italics: thoughts of the POV character, cannot be heard  
> regular quotations: words spoken out loud by the POV character and can be heard by the person not there
> 
> A HUGE ASS THANK YOU to @tkreyesevandiaz on ao3/@zeethebooknerd on tumblr for literally making this chapter possible. She helped me endlessly research the actual SEALs training/the timeline of Buck with the SEALs to make this as realistic as possible (major creative liberties were still taken though) and this chapter would not be a thing without her. Seriously.
> 
> TW's in end notes

25 Years Old: Buck 

“Buckley! What the hell are you doing?” his commanding officer shouts from below. “We get it, you can do 60 pull-ups in two minutes, but I asked for 42. Quit showing off.”

Buck drops to his feet, dusting his greens off. “What’s the problem? I did what you asked and more?”

The officer in front of him stares at him hard. Then, with a voice unnecessarily loud, he shouts, “I don’t give a rat’s shriveled asshole if you can do 100 pulls up in two minutes. This here is a test of endurance--not a test of arrogance. Next time when I tell you to do 50 push-ups, you do 50 push-ups. I tell you to plank for 14 minutes and 22 seconds, you hold that plank for 14 minutes and 22 seconds. You follow my orders to the _word,_ you hear me? No more, no less. Got it, _maggot?"_

Buck stands at attention, his lips pursed but his chin jutted out with defiance. He levels the officer but figures now’s not the time to push the limits.

“Sir, yes, sir,” Buck grits. 

His commanding officer walks away and Buck glares after him.

Another trainee drops to the ground next to him after doing his _exact_ 42 pull-ups. He pats Buck on the shoulder with a shake of his head.

“You know why they changed it to maggot, right?”

Buck blinks. “Uh...no?”

**_It’s because they’re no longer legally allowed to call us the f slur._ **

The trainee barks a laugh and shakes his head like he finds Buck naive. He throws an arm over Buck’s shoulders along as they walk off. “Oh man, let me fill you in on a little history of _Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell."_

Buck gulps.

He learns the guy’s name is Anthony Rees, and he was a Navy legacy. Apparently, both his father and grandfather had been in the program until they retired. 

“Gotta love the history of queers in the military, amiright?” Anthony laughs. “Gotta know what I’m getting myself into.”

“Oh,” Buck says. “Are you?”

“Yep,” he pops the ‘P’. His eyes narrow. “Why? You got a problem?”

Buck shakes his head even as Anthony begins to puff up, showing just how he could take Buck if he even tried to say something. “Nah. I’d be a pretty big hypocrite if I did.”

Anthony’s face relaxes and an easy smile flickers over it, a complete 180 from the way he’d just been trying to make himself more threatening. He knocks Buck’s shoulder playfully. “Nice.” 

Their ten minute break is over, and they’re called over for the next task. Anthony stands up and reaches a hand down to Buck. “Ready?”

Buck takes his hand and lets him pull him up. With a smile Buck says, “Sure am.”

“Then let’s go, _maggot,"_ Anthony says with a laugh.

Buck’s been at the Naval Special Warfare Prep in Great Lakes, Illinois for about a month. They’ve tested his physical endurance, making sure he could pass the basic exercises everyone was required to be able to do in under the time limits. The trainees have also sat through classes on what exactly they were supposed to be preparing themselves for once they became fully fledged SEALs.

Honestly...it was a bit much--using guerrilla warfare tactics in battle when moving against an enemy target. They learned about unorthodox battle methods like destroying enemy supplies, creating diversions, ambushing small enemy units when taking action against terrorist operations.

“You may think that you're big strong guys, that you can handle the physical challenges,” an instructor called out. “And I’m sure many of you can. But don’t think for a second that that’ll get you far here.” The instructor stands at attention. “You will be put through simulations so chaotic, so unexpected, that it will literally change the way your brain reacts to fear. Many of you in this room will not be able to handle it.”

The instructor looks them right in the eye. “You think you know fear? You haven’t seen anything yet.”

The first task they were put through was putting them through a simulation where they put a helmet on their ears that took away their hearing, and a tight black cloth to take away their sight. At a moment's notice, they regained their senses back and had to attack. He had to determine whether to react and shoot, or to calmly de-escalate.

“Panic is not an option, ladies!” the instructor called out when a group of armed men jumped out at them. How were they supposed to tell so quickly whether someone was dangerous or not? They all had guns, and they were _supposed_ to be the good guys, right? So why was it that when the simulator person had a gun they were immediately seen as the enemy?

“Buckley, you’re hesitating! Run it again!”

Two men jumped at him with no guns, immediately Buck dodged their fists, kicked the one on the left’s shin in and twisted the arm of the man on the right, forcing both of them to the ground. 

“That’s it!”

“Nice one,” Anthony whispers as they switch out simulators. 

Outside they run the relays over and over. Climbing up ropes and jumping from high landings. It rains one day and the mud gets everywhere, in his mouth, in his eyes, in his buttcrack, and he knows he won’t be able to wash it out until later. 

**_Isn’t that a fun taste?_ ** Eddie quips. **_At least it’s not sand. I’m still finding sand all over the place--I found some in my ear this morning._ **

He climbs up the rocks and swings from rope to rope. He manages to get through the obstacle course in record time. On the other side, he cheers for Anthony and the people going after them.

Passing the first two months of training is a bit of a no-brainer for Buck. But he knew the worst was yet to come. Those who made it that far were flown out from Illinois to the Naval Amphibious Base in Southern California. 

“Welcome to Hell week!”

At dinner, Buck sits with Anthony and a few of the other guys. 

“You guys ready for the Surf Passage?” Jameson asks as they eat one night. “All I’m saying is if any of you drop that boat on my head, I’ll kick your ass.”

To start, they crawl through the waves on the beach in life jackets. It’s just like how they did under the wire on the obstacle course except this time it’s salt water and not mud. Buck can’t tell which is worse.

For the Surf Passage, he was paired with Anthony, Jameson, Hastings and Malek and a few others. Seven total under one large boat. They charged forward, pushing through despite the waves that rose and crashed and threw them back--some waves higher than the boats themselves. 

“Teamwork, men, teamwork! If one of you goes down, the whole team goes down! Don’t drop the equipment, Hastings!” 

Buck manages to catch the pack before it falls into the water and quickly flings it back to Hastings who thanks him with a swift pat on the back.

They successfully make it past the breakers and the whoops of joy are swallowed by the sea.

They’re sent on multi-mile long swims in the ocean and although Buck is used to swimming, he’s never felt more exhausted in his life after getting pounded by the unrelenting waves. 

He almost loses it when they’re assigned to do the cold water conditioning. 

He’s huddled next to Anthony on his right, Hastings and Jameson on his left. Their arms are all linked together, head-first on the surf. The water splashes over their bare arms and soaks through their thin white t-shirts. 

It’s the single most painful thing Buck had ever experienced. He could feel his lips turning blue, even as he coughed up salt water that burned and sliced his throat. At one point, he’s positive the water has gotten into his lungs because he starts coughing and can’t bring himself to get a single breath of air in.

He’s trying to keep his mind focused on other things. The warm sand on the beach in Brazil, the sweaty and humid heat of Miami, how he’d soak through his tank tops while serving drinks. He tried to imagine the water scraping across his body as sweat, something warm.

It wasn’t working, and his gasps for air became more harried--his teeth clamping down so hard on his tongue the water began to taste like blood. His chest stuttered, the pain encapsulating him completely.

**_Buck, calm down! You have to stop panicking or you’re gonna suffocate._ **

" _E-Edd-d-die,"_ Buck manages to spit out with salt and sand and blood. The wind blows it back into Buck’s eyes and is quickly washed away with another wave over his head.

**_Focus on me, Buck. Can you feel me? Feel the heat?_ **

Buck opens his eyes, looks up towards the blinding California sun. Eddie’s--he’s in front of a fire--a campfire--and it blazes high into the sky. No--No Eddie’s too close to the fire. He’s gonna get burned--he’s gonna--

“G-Get away!” Buck orders. “Eddie, be caref--” a wave forces itself down Buck’s throat and he coughs and splutters.

**_I’m okay, can you feel it? Can you feel the heat? Tell me you can feel it._ **

“Y-Y-Ye-”

There are hands on his face, touching his mouth, roaming over his forehead and his eyes. Fingers cupping his cheeks and it’s--it’s warm. 

The relief is minimal but it’s enough for Buck to come to his senses enough to take a deep breath in. 

**_That’s it, Buck. That’s it,_ ** Eddie gives a small laugh and it’s like a balm on Buck’s blistered and numb skin. **_You’re okay. You can do this._ **

If he cries with relief, it gets washed away with the surf.

A million years later, they’re pulled from the water, stumbling and soaking and ordered to run five miles down the beach. 

“Go go go go!” 

At least his experience with beaches meant he was used to running on sand. What he wasn’t used to was the unending 20 hour days filled with non-stop physical challenges, runs, push-ups with full gear, obstacle courses where they’re being shot at, boat drills.

Only four warm meals a day. It was too little, even as he and his teammates inhaled the food. 

Jameson trips and falls during a run and Buck slows down to help him up--

“Don’t you dare, Buckley!” 

Buck snaps back into his run, picking up his pace. He looks back periodically, and finds Jameson has gotten back up and continues with the run. Buck burns with guilt, and later that night he gives Jameson half his third meal to make up for it. Jameson in turn throws him an extra pillow during their third hour of sleep in 3 days. There were still 2 days left, and they only had 1 hour left to use for sleep.

“Who’s Eddie?” Anthony asks him quietly, one night before they’re about to head off for a short bout of sleep.

Buck’s head snaps up. “What?” How did Anthony know about Eddie?

“You said that name…” Anthony explains. “When we were in the water. You called out for Eddie.”

Buck’s face flames, and he turns away, completely out of ideas of what to say. He can’t just explain ‘oh I have a man living in my head rent free’, that wouldn’t work at all. They would think he’s crazy--they’d kick him out.

And somehow, it isn’t a significant enough explanation for what Eddie is to him, either.

“Oh,” Anthony says with sudden understanding. He nods and gives Buck a small smile. “I miss my Eddie, too. But don’t worry, we’ll see them soon enough. 

Buck hates himself for wasting the precious hour of sleep with his heart pounding out of his chest at Anthony’s words.

* * *

“The underwater competency test,” the instructor calls out. “Yes, the rumors are true. You will be fully submerged in water with a scuba tank of oxygen and an instructor will be periodically depriving you of it for up to 20 minutes. You will be without oxygen for half of that time.”

“Societal fears, the ones we learn as we exist amongst our peers, those can be easily trained out...but primal fears--those are the ones that need to be snuffed out.”

“You will be given specific instructions and you must follow them exactly as they are given. Your breathing gear will be tampered with purposefully to put you into situations where you must shut down your fear and your panic and use your thinking skills to solve the problem in front of you. All goes well, you’ll be drown-proof.”

**_Jesus,_** Eddie murmurs in his ears. **_I can definitely tell you that was never a part of my training._ **

It fills him with an unexpected drive to impress Eddie. 

After the training and the demonstrations, they’re submerged all at once as a group. There are instructors in scuba gear surrounding them all and immediately they set about attacking them. Buck’s instructor yanks his gear off his face and he’s holding his breath while the instructor dislodges, tangles and breaks part of his gear to force him to remember how he was trained to fix it. 

The first time isn’t that bad, and when he gets his shot of air, he thinks he might be able to pass this. 

The second time is different entirely. He runs out of breath faster, the attacks on his person, his face shoved to the ground of the pool before he can fight them off. 

The third time, Buck starts to panic. He grasps his head in his hand and his entire body is shaking. His lungs scream for air but he can’t go back up. He’s being forced to the ground and he can’t concentrate on completing his tasks when he’s so disoriented by the blinding need for air. 

He almost kicks off the ground towards the surface when he’s stopped by the sound of something completely unexpected. Underneath the water, Buck shouldn’t be able to hear anything, but this is clear as day.

**_Are you insane?_ **Is that...Shannon?

**_I'm doing this for you!_ **

Oh shit, it’s Eddie. His vision blurs and he’s underwater but he’s also in Eddie’s kitchen, with a red-faced and enraged Shannon slamming the cupboards.

**_You reenlisted without even discussing it with me. How is that doing it for me?_ **

What little breath Buck had left in his lungs escapes him. _Re-enlisted?!_

**_I didn't have a choice! Someone has to pay for all of this._ **

**_We need you here! I_ ** **cannot** **_do this without you._ **

The only reason Buck doesn’t drown right then and there is because his instructor pulls him up and gives him his next shot of air. 

**_I'm trying to provide for this family. That's the reason I enlisted in the first place._ **

_Eddie,_ Buck screams in his head. _Eddie stop! I can’t take this--_

But Eddie doesn’t hear him. Buck’s submerged underwater and he can’t say a single thing. And Eddie...Eddie’s in the middle of a screaming match with his wife--which means Eddie’s _home_ and Buck didn’t even know--and the panic and fear Buck is feeling right now is the same thing Eddie is feeling. Can’t he tell that Buck’s about to die if he can’t stay submerged? Can’t he tell that Buck’s about to burst into tears underwater because Eddie is leaving _again?_ Does he feel his lungs shriveling to dust?

**_Go get your son._ **

Buck tries to focus on the tasks in front of him. Untangling his gear, and fighting off his instructor, but he can’t seem to push Eddie out of his head. 

Buck’s vision focuses in and out--underwater gear, Eddie’s house--and back again. There’s a baby crying--Christopher?

**_Hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy. It's okay. You're okay._ **

It’s Christopher. Buck’s heart swells--he’s gotten so big. But he’s crying his head off and fussing, and he won’t stay still, his arms and legs flinging out and hitting Eddie--and Buck--in the face. Gone were the days when Eddie could sing a soft and beautiful song to his son and the little boy would calm down. Now it felt like--

**_You're still a stranger to him but you don't have to be._ **

Oh fuck, Buck can’t take this. There’s a sharp, agonizing shot of pain in his chest at Shannon’s words and all it does is make Buck struggle more. 

**_Eddie, I don't need a provider. I need a partner. You don't know what it's been like going through this alone._ **

**_You're not the only one that feels alone!_ **

Buck stops struggling altogether. There’s no more air in his lungs, but even if there was there was no way Buck would’ve been able to breathe after hearing that. 

Eddie felt alone. 

Buck’s body felt heavy as lead as he floated in the water near lifelessly.

Christopher is still crying, hard and loud, and Eddie struggles with him in his arms. **_Hey, hey, hey. No, it's okay, buddy. It's all right, kid. Come on,_ ** **please**...

It’s the near sob in Eddie’s voice as it fades out that hits Buck the hardest.

He’d failed Eddie. 

His scuba gear is shoved back in his mouth and oxygen is forced down his throat once more. It’s only a momentary reprieve before the next assault begins, but this time, Eddie is nowhere to be found.

This time it’s easy to fight off his instructor, and fix the problems in front of him.

He only stops when suddenly his instructor isn’t messing with him anymore, but swimming over to another trainee who’s managed to get the gear so tangled that even their instructor couldn’t fix it. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Buck spots Anthony, whose instructor had gone up momentarily for air, and sees that the man is struggling to maintain his hold on his breath. The bubbles are escaping and his face is ashen. 

Something is wrong. Anthony manages to untangle his gear but when he puts the nozzle to his lips the panic doesn’t cease on Anthony’s face. His head snaps up to the surface, but they’re submerged far too deep for him to kick his way up in time.

Anthony’s eyes find him, and it’s then that Buck realizes what’s happening. There’s no more air left in Anthony’s tank. 

He’s going to drown.

Buck instantly kicks into action, swimming over to where Anthony is located and undoes his own scuba gear before shoving it in Anthony’s mouth. He sees his friend take a huge inhale in and Buck doesn’t bother to keep them both at the bottom anymore. Without looking at anyone else, Buck kicks off the ground and forces him and Anthony up to the surface. 

As soon as they break out, the two of them are gasping hard for air and there are loud whistles blown all around them.

“What the fuck are you doing, Buckley? The exercise isn’t over!”

Buck ignores the yells, even as Buck’s instructor and another pop up and demands to know what he’s doing. He and Anthony kick their way over to the side of the pool, grabbing the hands of their fellow trainees to help usher them out of the pool.

“We still had 5 minutes left on that simulation--”

“His oxygen tank ran out!” Buck bites back, gesturing towards Anthony. “He didn’t have air and there was no way he could’ve made it to the surface in time.”

“That is not your concern!” their main instructor yells in his face. “Your job was to focus on the task in front of you. Not to tamper with other students’ exercises--”

“He could’ve _died!"_

“Newsflash, maggot! People _die_ in a war zone. _You_ will be the one killing them. You need to get that through your head if you are ever going to stand a chance as a SEAL.”

“How can you just expect me to sit back and do nothing while a team member is drowning--”

“Because that’s what you must do. Your team member is shot and killed in action; you have no choice but to keep moving along. You have to learn to shut it off, Buckley, or you will be the one face down in the water!”

Buck takes a step back, looking out over the faces of the other trainees, the disappointed looks of the scuba instructors.

He looks at Anthony who is still shivering and coughing, but _alive._

Buck would choose his friend, alive and well, every time before he let himself sit by and do nothing because of fucking _protocol._

“I quit.”

“Buck--” Anthony moves forward.

“What was that?” his commanding officer asks.

“I said,” Buck repeats louder. “I quit. I’m done.”

Buck walks away, back to the bunks and packs up his shit. 

Before he leaves, he takes a look around at the other trainees who quit that day as well. Buck could hack it. He proved that he could, and he was proud of himself for that. This just wasn’t what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t supposed to suppress his emotions, turn himself into a machine, in order to make killing other people easier. 

No. He wouldn’t do it. He would find something where he could help other people, make himself useful, and still keep his emotions. They were his biggest asset, the thing that kept good people like Anthony from dying needlessly. 

He would find his place eventually.

As he rings the proverbial bell on his way out, he thinks of Eddie and hopes that somehow, he manages to escape death by the United States military the second time around.

*

29 Years Old: Eddie 

They get shot out of the sky. Eddie doesn’t wake up right away, but when he does, he sees Mills in the corner, pinned to her seat with blood pouring down her helmet. And the chief--

“Chief, wake up. We're under attack. Come on! We gotta get everyone behind those rocks over there.”

Heavy fire rains down on them, nearly setting the helicopter ablaze. There’s no time to worry about a game plan, he has to just get everyone out. Mills manages to free herself and Eddie calls for her to cover him as he kicks through the helicopter door, gun out and shoots in the direction of the fire. With his right arm, he ushers one of his teammates out and to cover. 

Mills covers him again when he runs back to the helicopter to check on the others. He pulls the soldier in the front seat out and they land in a heap in the ground. The man can move on his own and Eddie barks for him to make it over to where Mills was covering them.

The chief is a different story. 

“My leg. The bone broke through.” Eddie is already pulling out his equipment from his pack but he knows he has to act fast or a broken bone is going to be the least of their worries. From behind him he can see Norwhal trying to get himself out of the helicopter, but the man was already previously injured, he was the one they were trying to get to the base hospital before they’d been shot out.

“Norwahl, what the hell is wrong with you?” the chief calls out.

“He's probably got a concussion,” Eddie surmises. _Damn it!_ There were too many injured and he was only one medic--he could only focus on one at a time.

Norwhal stumbles out of the helicopter and into the open air--without cover.

“Norwahl! Stand down!” Eddie orders as he leaves the pilot and sprints around to try and get to Norwahl.

“Norw--”

It’s too late. Eddie watches the jerks of Norwhal’s body as three bullets hit him in quick succession. Eddie jumps forward, slamming into Norwhal’s body and throwing the two of them to the ground. 

The gunfire continues to assault them, heavy in all directions. They’ve made themselves wide open but Eddie can’t think about that as he drags Norwhal’s body to the cove where Mills is still firing wherever she can to give them some inkling of safety.

But who was he kidding. This was a war zone. Safety didn’t exist out here.

A pain so intense rips through his shoulder, knocking him to the ground with Norwhal as he slams up beside Mills.

“You okay, Diaz?”

Eddie’s head is swimming, and he pulls his hand away from his shoulder and sees nothing but gushing blood. Shit.

**_Eddie?! What the fuck was--_ **

“Got me in the shoulder,” Eddie says as both a way to let Mills and Buck know what happened.

**_Eddie--!_ **

He can’t afford to be distracted by Buck right now. He barks his request for an ETA to the major over his radio. When he gets his answer, he grits his teeth and spits, “We don’t have six minutes!”

There are still people in the convoy. Eddie looks up and sees that there are more machine guns being pulled out and he knows that if he doesn’t get them out of the helicopter _now_ they’ll die.

He sprints forward and the gunfire causes a massive blast that slams Eddie into the convoy so hard that his head bounces off and he finds himself lying face first in the dirt. Fatigue and adrenaline course through his veins, but at that exact moment one ends up stronger.

**_Get up, Eddie! Get the fuck up! You are not dying here!_ **

Eddie shoves himself up and manages to get the door to the convoy open. The chief is mobile so Eddie orders him to get himself out. There’s two men still strapped to their seat belts against the wall. He shakes them awake, orders them out and to keep moving and don’t stop. 

Mills calls out that she’s out of ammo. Right as she says that a man comes right above her.

Eddie doesn’t think, just shoots on instinct. 

He continues shooting, covering the men behind him as they exit the convoy. 

They all manage to make it to cover. All except one.

“Diaz, he's dead.”

“Yeah, he's coming home with us too.”

**_Don’t you dare die on me, Eddie._ **

He manages to pull Greggs out of the convoy before the entire thing explodes.

Eddie catches another bullet to the arm and nearly goes down. Two of his men fall his way, grabbing Greggs’ body and dragging it the rest of the way over. Mills gets shot in the arm and goes down, another man standing up and shooting to cover her and the rest of them. Eddie throws himself forward, fighting through the blinding pain until he’s able to stand up and start shooting again.

It’s a mistake. 

White hot agony cracks through Eddie’s hand to the bone and he drops to the ground in a crouch, clutching his bloodied fingers to his chest.

They’re overwhelmed, even as Eddie does his best to push past the pain and wrap his hand to stop the profuse bleeding. They’re out of ammo, and the only thing surrounding them on all sides are people who want them dead. With each breath Eddie exhales, more and more of the adrenaline he’d built up drains out of him.

_I’m gonna die._

**_Eddie! Eddie please, don’t shut your eyes._**

“I’m so,” Eddie pants, “tired.”

His vision starts to go blurry, and the night sky around him fades until all he can see is Buck in a...kitchen? It’s an odd angle, like Buck has his back to a cabinet. He’s staring at a dishwasher--or the bottom of a fridge. Eddie can’t really tell. Buck’s knees are drawn up to his chest and his elbows are resting on his knees and his hands are up around his head.

**_Eddie, please..._ ** Buck sobs. **_Please don’t leave me. You can’t._ **

“I’m sorry,” Eddie exhales.

He manages to gather enough strength to pull out his St. Christopher’s medal.

_The patron saint of travelers. To protect you and keep you safe._

**_And to remind you that you have a family to come home to,_ **Buck finishes like he was reading from a script he read a long time ago.

“You--” Eddie coughs. “You remember that?”

**_Of course, Eddie, you really think I was gonna miss the birth of your only son?_ **

“I don’t...remember…”

**_I didn’t exactly make my presence known. It was your moment with Shannon and Christopher. I didn’t want to get in the way._ **

“Not in the way,” Eddie murmurs. “Never.”

Explosions, light brighter than the sun and red hot flares expand over the darkened sky. It leaves behind imprints in the back of Eddie’s eyes when he shuts them tight. All he can see are silhouettes, shooting at him and his teammates. He can barely see anyone’s faces. That’s what all of them are, on either side, faceless. People who didn’t matter because they were all meant to die out here, to be martyr’s for countries who couldn’t care less about them as individuals. He’s so tired...so tired…

He swipes his fingers over his St. Christopher’s medal. All he can hear in his head now is the screams thrown between him and Shannon--all those fights that could’ve been avoided if Eddie had just _talked_ to her. Told her the truth of how he felt. He pulls his picture of her and Chris out of his jacket pocket. 

“I’m never gonna see them again,” Eddie chokes, blood and tears streaming down his face and pooling on his upper lip. He’s never gonna see Shannon again, will never kiss her, never get the chance to tell her he’s sorry for how badly he failed her and Christopher and--

Christopher. He was never gonna see his baby boy grow up. He’d never know what kind of man he would become. He’d never get to see him smile or laugh again. Eddie would give anything just for one more tantrum.

**_Eddie, don’t close your eyes, fuck!_ ** Buck is panicking. If Eddie had the energy, he would panic too. **_You gotta fight, Eddie, you promised._ ** **Motherfucker!** **_You promised! You said you would always fight to come home to your family, so fight!_ **

_I'm always gonna fight to come home to my family,_ Eddie thinks to himself. _Christopher...Shannon…_

**_Eddie!_ **

Buck...Buck too. He was gonna miss Buck. Would he miss Eddie, too? Would it hurt when Buck spoke to him, expecting Eddie to respond before remembering Eddie couldn’t hear him anymore?

**_EDDIE! Eddie, no!_ **

_I love you, Christopher,_ Eddie chants in his head on loop. And then a song pops into his head, wholly out of place in any other context. _Please promise me that sometimes you’ll think of me._

From on high, a rain of fire pours onto the desert field. Dominoes of explosions set off around them, a deathly field of fireworks canopied by the sobbing relief of his teammates beside him.

Someone was sobbing loudly in his ears. 

No, two someones. Eddie lets out a violent, chest-wracking sob and kisses the bloodied medallion in his hands. 

They were saved. Someone had come for them. 

He wasn’t going to die. He was going to live another day. Would get to go home and see his family and he would _live_.

He clutches his picture of Christopher, and laughs through his tears. 

_You saved me again, Christopher. Wait for me, I’m almost home._

He passes out cold.

* * *

When he wakes again, he’s in a med-tent, his arm and shoulder wrapped. 

“The chopper…” Eddie croaks, when he’s able to focus on the sergeant in front of him. She tells him that Greggs is dead--Eddie already knew that but a bleak stone of shame still lodges itself in his stomach--but everyone else is alive.

He failed. He was supposed to keep them _all_ alive. A medic, that was his job, and he failed.

Mills nods at him with an appreciative smile; Chief nods at him with relief, the knowledge in his eyes that they’re both aware they _barely_ scraped by with their lives.

Eddie tries to get up, to stand at command but is stopped. The sergeant is talking to him about Greggs--he _gets_ it, okay? The man was dead because of him. He would never get home to his three girls and it was all Eddie’s fucking fault. 

He would get to go home to his son, and Greggs would never have his daughters ever again. 

Those girls lost their only father. 

It was like Eddie was holding a live grenade in his land, and the world was slowly turning, and once it hit the right amount of turns, it would blow up slowly in his hands. His flesh would burn, his bone exposed, but it wouldn’t be enough punishment. Not enough for what he deserved.

“You pulled him out anyway. You got them all out, Staff Sergeant Diaz.”

_What?_ Eddie blinks up through his blurred vision at the woman standing in front of him. She was...she was... _commending_ him? He couldn’t _do_ this. He needed to--he needed to call--...his wife. He needed to call Shannon.

“You did good, Diaz”

“...doesn’t feel like enough.”

“Never does,” she shakes her head, like she understands. Maybe she does. In this line of work, too many people understood. How sick was that? “But they'll probably give you a medal for it anyway.”

No... _no!_ He--he doesn’t want a fucking medal. He doesn’t want a goddamn _prize_ for failing Greggs. 

He just wants to forget it all happened. Wants to go back in time to the moment he signed his name to re-enlist and stab himself through the hand instead of signing his blood away on that piece of paper. 

This was it then. This was his punishment. He would forever be known as a hero, like a sizzled brand on his chest, and the lacerations would never heal. Maybe he could live with that, keep the throb of _not good enough, never good enough, never_ ever _good enough_ in his veins to remind him what he’d done. Abandoning his wife and kid, killing people, not saving Greggs. 

He would live with that guilt, that pain forever. 

He would hold it inside him for as long as he lived, if that was the retribution the universe demanded of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's for this chapter:  
> -mentions of homophobia in the military  
> -a mention of the f slur (no actual use of the word)  
> -military violence/death  
> -canon typical near death experiences


	7. the only truth I see is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....reaching the starting line of canon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hi everyone! Here's the new chapter! I do just want to warn you that we do reach our "Explicit" and "Eventual smut" tags in this chapter. I will say that the smut is a tad (?) bit unusual given their circumstances (telepathic) and I guess slightly voyeuristic in nature. So, if anything in regards to that is something you don't want to read or are even just slightly hesitant about, please read the end notes for the warnings.
> 
> TW's in end notes as always

26 Years Old: Buck 

One month. That’s how long Buck ended up wandering around Southern California looking for something to do with his life. For a moment, he considered going back to bar tending, even turned in an application too, but the second he got a call back and the manager was ready to hire him on the spot without even a question, he knew that he couldn’t do it anymore.

So he wandered.

He moved down from San Diego to Los Angeles, finding himself some roommates for cheap that would let him have a room to himself because he was the only person they could find who could put up with them. Apparently all of their other roommates had left for “personal reasons”. Buck knew what that was code for, but at that point in time he didn’t care. He just needed a bed to sleep in and he could rent the place for a little while on his savings. 

The dude didn’t care at all about what Buck did, didn’t even say a word when Buck damn near had a panic attack in the kitchen when he’d witnessed Eddie almost die right in front of his eyes in Afghanistan. Buck had fully expected the cops to be called, or at least some side-eyed looks, but he got nothing. And for that, he was almost thankful.

He was lying in his bed one evening, when all the noise of his roommates outside suddenly quieted down. He ignored it for a little while, but when the silence continued, Buck went out to check on them and found that they’d all gone out. He rounded the corner to the kitchen and headed to the fridge to grab himself a beer. Maybe he would watch some TV since it seemed all his roommates had gone out to party or something.

It was dark, and he didn’t bother turning on the lights. So when he turns from the fridge to head to the living room, he trips over something solid and ends up sprawled on the floor, the beer shattering when it hits the ground. 

“Shit,” Buck mutters and stands up. Quickly, he hits the lights and then freezes. “Oh fuck.”

Buck drops to his knees with a thud, flinging himself forward to check Chad’s pulse. He can’t feel anything, so he puts his ear to Chad’s chest—nothing.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Buck whips his phone out and presses the emergency call button before pressing speaker.

_“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”_

“My roommate stabbed himself in the thigh. I don’t know what happened, but he’s bleeding and he’s unconscious and he’s not breathing.”

_“Okay, sir, please give me your address, we’re sending someone to you. Is the wound pulsating? Do you know CPR?”_

Buck rattles off his address and tells her that no, the wound isn’t actively bleeding and that yes; he knows CPR.

Buck tilts Chad’s head, remembering the basic medical training he learned from the SEALs, and gets his hands into position over Chad’s chest. He starts compressions while the 911 operator asks him his name and walks him through instructions. 

After he finishes that set of compressions, he moves on to mouth to mouth and then sets about another round. Half way through, he gets Chad’s pulse back and he wakes up with a start.

“He’s breathing!” Buck calls to the operator. “He’s awake!”

“What’s going on?!” Chad tries to sit up. “What the fuck? Oh my god. I’m gonna die! I’m gonna--!” Buck throws his hands up, putting them on Chad’s shoulder. 

“Chad, listen to me, okay?” Buck says in a calm voice. “You’re gonna be okay, the paramedics are on their way. It looks like a flesh wound—no major arteries—but I need you to calm down so I can wrap it, okay?”

Chad’s hyperventilating ceases, but he looks terrified, hands clutching onto Buck’s biceps. 

_“Okay, Buck. Is there anything around you you can use to put pressure on the wound?”_ the operator asks.

Fuck, okay, to stop the bleeding—uh...he needed to wrap it with something. He looks around the room. A hand towel? No, too small. Shit, there wasn’t anything. 

Buck grabs the hem of his shirt, lifting up and over his head.

“Fuck, I’m not gay, dude!”

Buck stops and stares at him. _"R_ _eally,_ Chad?”

Ignoring his idiot roommate, Buck takes the shirt in his teeth and rips. Long stripes come off and quickly he wraps it tightly around his thigh about 2-3 inches above where he was stabbed. He uses the hand towel to press the wound, then throws open a drawer and grabs a butter knife.

_“Sir? Please describe to me what you’re doing? RA unit 2 minutes out.”_

He narrates what he’s doing to the operator as he wraps the knife in the center of the cloth and ties another knot right above it. Thankfully, the front door is unlocked and not a minute later the paramedics come rushing in, ordering Buck back so they can take a look at Chad’s wound. 

The captain takes Buck aside, asking him question after question--most of them he can’t answer. He doesn’t actually _know_ how the jackass managed to stab himself in the thigh. He can barely mumble out how he’d tripped over his unconscious body in the dark. The captain laughs at that explanation, especially when he lifts his boot and the stickiness of Buck’s split beer leaves footprints. 

“That’s an impressive tourniquet you made,” the captain says, patting him on the back as the paramedics wrap up their work on Chad, lifting him onto the gurney and moving out. “They said you did CPR and woke him up?”

Buck blushes, barely stopping himself from rubbing the back of his head with his bloody hands. Now that he realizes it, he’s completely bare-chested and has blood on his torso. 

“Yeah, I-umm. I just uh, came back from the Navy.” Buck doesn’t explain that he was a Navy SEAL drop-out.

The captain’s eyebrows raise. “Well, Buck was it?”

“Yes.”

“If you ever find yourself joining the LAFD, reach out to Station 6. We’d love to have a veteran on the team.”

Buck’s so thoroughly embarrassed that he doesn’t correct him, but just lets their unit pack up and drive off to the hospital.

 **_Veteran, huh?_ ** Eddie laughs. **_Stealing my thunder._ **

Buck groans and Eddie bursts into laughter yet again, this time bright and unfettered. It almost makes some of the embarrassment in Buck’s chest fade, knowing he was amusing Eddie.

“Shut up,” Buck murmurs good naturedly. “Where were you when I needed you, Mr. Army Medic?”

**_Hey, hey, it looked like you had it all under control, Mr. Navy SEAL. It was impressive._ **

Buck shakes his head. “Not a SEAL.”

He heads to the bathroom, turning on the light before looking at himself in the mirror.

“Jesus,” Buck hisses. “When did Chad touch my face?” There’s a bright red handprint on his cheek that makes him look like he’d gotten slapped. 

There’s a little gasp in his head and Buck’s eyes snap up to meet his own in the mirror.

It hits him then--

“Can you--” Buck gasps, staring at himself in the mirror. “Can you...see me?”

In all the years they’d known each other, all the years they’d been hearing each other speak, having whole conversations, sharing what they saw, what they felt—they’d never glimpsed what the other looked like.

There’s a stirring of something in his chest, something Buck can’t place. 

Buck can’t see Eddie...Eddie’s not standing in front of a mirror, he’s sitting at his kitchen table, stacks of papers strewn about around him. That’s not what Eddie’s focusing on, he’s staring out at his living room, but even then Buck can tell that’s not what he’s looking at.

Buck can feel Eddie’s eyes on him, tracking across his bare skin. Buck was staring at himself and feeling the heavy gaze of someone else. 

A full body flush fizzles through him. The thing is...Buck knows he looks good. He’d worked hard for years to earn that. He’d mostly gotten rid of his acne, even though the scars still remained. He’d gotten tattoos—inked his skin permanently, damaging his holy temple. He’d soiled his virgin body over and over again, and he didn’t care because his mom had no hold over him anymore. Nothing she said, no matter when it popped into his head, could _control_ him anymore. Could make him feel bad about himself anymore.

He’d had heated eyes on his body; he knew what it was like to have his body looked at with desire. Did Eddie look at his body and see something desirable? Or did he find him repulsive? Did he find the blood grotesque? The scars on his face too much to gaze upon with any kind of softness?

Buck can still feel him there, Eddie. He’s barely breathing, and neither is Buck.

But the blood is beginning to dry--to itch, so Buck reaches for the washcloth and turns on the faucet. The water is warm as it soaks the rag and slowly Buck slides it over his cheek, scrubbing the bloodied handprint off of his face.

Eddie shivers, and it feels like butterfly wings down the length of Buck’s spine. He drags the warm washcloth down his bare chest, his nipples hardening once the heat disappears and the cool air hits the wet trail.

And he knows Eddie’s watching him, knows Eddie’s feeling everywhere he touches. His free hand grasps his own thigh, and squeezes, using their own personal brand of code to send a message. He gets a near-silent shuddering breath as a response. But it’s something. It ignites a heat in the pit of Buck’s stomach. 

He could give this to Eddie, wash himself and let the warmth drift over Eddie hundreds of miles away. Water droplets drip down past his abs as he trails the cloth back up over his chest and up to his neck, his head tipped back but his eyes locked firmly on himself in the mirror. 

He wants Eddie to look at him, to see him, to desire him.

He doesn’t need anyone else’s eyes on him, wouldn’t need anyone else, past or present, observing him. Only Eddie, and Buck would be satisfied. 

His free hand travels from his thigh up to the dip in his hips, and Buck knows exactly where Eddie’s eyes are. His fingers weave into the trail of hair between his belly button and his pant line, and he pulls.

 _"Eddie,”_ it comes out as a moan and Buck’s eyes slide shut on accident. Without his body in the mirror to focus on, Buck can see Eddie’s hands clutching the wooden table, his nails digging into the wood hard enough to leave indents, maybe even splinters in his nails.

“Eddie?” Buck says again, but this time his tone is even.

Eddie shoves himself back up from the table, the loud scrape and clatter of the chair as it falls over is enough for Buck to snap his eyes open.

 **_No._ **And it’s like a door slammed in his face.

Buck stares at himself in the mirror again, and this time, it’s only his own eyes looking back at him. 

He finishes his shower and falls into bed. Had he just fucked everything up entirely?

He doesn’t hear from Eddie for the next few days, but that’s not entirely uncommon for them. But then things start to trickle back. Buck will sometimes find himself staring out at the open freeway as Eddie drives to work, he’ll hear country music streaming through the radio in an otherwise silent room. 

If he’s lucky, he catches glimpses of Christopher. 

God, that kid has grown a lot in just a few short years. He’s gotta be the cutest kid Buck has ever seen in his life. But maybe he’s biased. Buck finds himself studying Christopher, looking for features that Eddie may share. Like the dazzling and sweet smile, filled to the brim with love as he looks up at his daddy. 

Sometimes he hears Eddie’s speaking to his parents, and Buck wishes that it surprised him. The way Eddie’s parents spoke to him, like he was a little kid who would drop Christopher on his head, it irritated Buck beyond all measure.

It reminded Buck of his dad. How nothing Buck ever did could please the old man. How he was always a failure who would never live up to anything. 

But for Eddie it was coming from all sides. 

It hits Buck out of nowhere that he hadn’t seen Shannon through Eddie’s eyes in a while. Maybe she was visiting her mom, Buck surmises. He remembered vaguely hearing that the woman was sick. 

_Shit,_ Buck realizes. That’s why Eddie blew him off! Buck had basically given the man a strip-tease and he was _married._ Fuck, fuck, _fuck,_ fuck, fuck, fuck!

After that, Buck tried to keep himself out of Eddie’s head as much as he could.

He couldn’t believe he had broken Eddie’s trust like that. That he tried to--oh god, he was gonna throw up-- _tempt_ him like he didn’t have a whole wife and child. A family that didn’t include Buck.

He has no choice but to throw all of his thoughts into something else. He needed to find a job and fast as he was rapidly running out of savings.

He racked his brain for something--anything he could do.

Chad comes back home quickly after being released from the hospital. The wound wasn’t that deep, and he was on crutches, but he would walk again.

Not even a day after being released, Chad brings home a parade of friends who all claim the shared areas like they owned it. When Buck walks out to get something to eat, Chad calls out, “Ayy, there he is! The man who saved my life.”

“The firefighters saved your life,” Buck corrects them. “Not me.”

“Nah, man, you gotta hear this story,” Chad turns to his friend. “Buck here gave me CPR--” his friend snickers-- “Shut the _fuck_ up, Jaeyden, we didn’t touch lips. I’m not gay!”--Buck was starting to think he might be-- “And I wake up and I’m losing my shit because my leg is carved to hell and Buck just jumps in and ties it up and then the firefighters bust the door open and they barely have to do anything because Buck’s already done it all.”

“You a firefighter, man?” A dude named Harrison asks him. 

Buck shakes his head. “No, I’m not.”

“You _totally_ should be,” a girl with blonde hair and fishnets on up to her belly-button pipes up. She twirls her hair and gives Buck a once over. 

The lingering looks barely register on Buck’s skin. It’s nothing like the other day when Eddie looked at him. 

But--no, he couldn’t think about Eddie anymore. Eddie was off-limits, he had _always_ been off-limits, and Buck was an idiot to think a little skin show would change that. 

Maybe Eddie didn’t want him...but this chick did. 

“I think you’d look hot in the uniform,” she says, coming up to him and tracing her finger over his arm right along the rings of his double band. 

Buck knows with one look he could have her back in his room. He’s tempted. It screams to him, that gaping hole in his chest that craves to be filled. None of the other bodies he’d had or let have him had ever filled it, and Buck doubted that this girl would fill it, but for just a moment, for however long it took him to get her off and then get himself off, the hole would quiet down. It would gorge itself on what was left of Buck’s self-esteem, and then when they finished, the hole would inch itself wider. 

Pretty soon the soul eating black hole would consume him altogether.

Five minutes later, they disappear into his room, twenty minutes later they cum and the black hole swallows just a little bit more of him.

But it does leave the seed of an idea in his head.

A firefighter. 

The man—the _captain_ —at station six said they would love to have him on their team.

_They only want you because they think you’re a veteran. Because they think you’re worth something._

He doesn’t fool himself into believing that they would actually want him if they knew the truth. But still...if he could make it through most of the worst physical challenges of the SEALs, surely he could make it through the firefighting academy. 

He saw what firefighters did on TV. They burst into blazing infernos, no fear, and they scaled buildings and kicked in doors and leaped out windows to save the innocent people before they lost their lives.

He could be a bad-ass _and_ save people.

That night Buck fills out the application to join the LAFD and once he’s finally finished he throws up two middle fingers. “Take that, SEALs.”

And he was right. He passes the physical fitness tests with ease. The written test trips him up a bit, but a lot of it overlaps with what he learned with the SEALs and the rest is easily googleable. He prints tests to take at home and runs drills for himself while he works out. Fire science is actually _really_ fascinating. He always enjoyed science in school, even when it was mostly theoretical. He’d gotten EMT certified with the SEALs, so that was fine. He passes the written exam on his first try. 

The fire academy is intense, but Buck soaks up every word out of his instructor’s mouth. He’s used to these types of men--endured much worse with the SEALs. Buck had to bite his tongue to stop himself from talking back a few times, but overall, it was a cake-walk.

Instead of being trained to kill, Buck was being trained to save. 

If a member of his team went down and Buck helped them, they praised him for his teamwork, albeit warned to make sure he didn’t risk his own life to do it. He assured them he only did it because he knew of all the parameters and knew he could save them.

“If I can save everyone, and safely, then I will always do so.”

The commander raises an eyebrow. “That’s the right attitude, Buckley.”

There’s a bounce in his step again. If he runs the courses and blows past his peers, he doesn’t give a shit! He’s here to impress this time and impress he fucking does!

It’s exhilarating. He feels like finally, _finally,_ he’s doing what he’s been waiting to do.

Even saving fake dolls from the burning simulators sends a thrill through him unlike anything he’d felt with the SEALs. 

The SEALs had sharpened his technical skills, but they did their damnedest to shut off the one thing that made him who he was. They’d tried to control him, tried to carve out his greatest strength, and for that Buck would always hate them.

But he’d made it out, and thanks to that, he could advance rather quickly through the fire academy. 

It takes a total of three months, but Buck passes through the fire academy. When they get their assignments, Buck wonders for a moment if Station 6 might ask for him, or if the captain had even known he’d entered the academy. Maybe he’d heard Buck wasn’t a veteran after all, but a Navy SEALs drop-out and decided he didn’t want him for his station anymore. 

That was fair.

He ends up getting assigned to Station 118. 

His first day there, he’s treated to a handmade meal, some playful ribbing and not one person who asks about the SEALs. Not even the Captain. He hadn’t exactly announced it on his resume, but at the academy people had asked and talked and word had somewhat gotten around.

Not that Buck was tight-lipped about his past. He just didn’t feel like talking about it unless someone specifically asked him something. And even then, he only felt the need to give the bare minimum.

No one at the 118 asked. It wasn’t necessary for him to prove himself to them. Passing through the fire academy was enough for that. Buck especially liked his captain. He was tough, and he was serious, but he also smiled and cooked them dinners and asked about his day. His first week, Bobby checked in with him after every call, even the ones that weren’t all that serious. 

It was nice, having someone care about him like that.

Three weeks into working for the 118 Buck overhears Bobby talking to Chimney about Bruce Springsteen and Buck immediately looks up concert tickets and buys two—one for him and Bobby. The look on Chimney’s face when he presents them to Bobby would’ve been funny if Buck hadn’t been so eager to find out whether or not Bobby wanted to go with him.

The older man agreed, and they went, and it was—awkward. It was _awkward_ , and Buck accidentally called him ‘Pops’ but Bobby smiled and thanked him with a pat on his back after the show. 

He just—he wanted Bobby to like him. He wanted to impress Bobby—and everyone else on the team. They were all older than him, and much more experience in the field than him. So when he could, he’d kick down the doors and chisel into concrete and smash into the walls on command. It was _fun_. 

He learned how to do the Maneuver, where he got to scale the sides of buildings, and kick people back in to stop them from dropping over the ledge. He hadn’t experienced any real live actual fires yet, but he got to show off his swimming skills a few times when he was tasked with diving into pools to retrieve people in danger of drowning.

This was _it._ This was it for Buck! He’d finally found the place where he belonged. He got to show off his strength, be a badass, _and_ he got to save people. He’d watch as their fading life slipped back into their bodies and they’d open their eyes and Buck _did that._ These people were alive because of him. They got to go home to their families because of _him._

For once, his life _meant_ something. 

And yeah...if he sometimes got a little too eager and went in axe-swinging without thinking...it wasn’t like anyone had any complaints. No one died. In fact, he saved _more_ people that way. By being willing to throw himself head first into a car that’s about to explode, or being the first to jump in to use his muscles to use the jaws of life to crack open the cars in a head-on collision, he saved more people than not.

There were other benefits too. If people, women in particular, were _extra_ grateful about Buck rescuing them, well...Buck liked to think of it as a bonus for his outstanding performance. Los Angeles was a big city, so if Buck re-downloaded tinder and found a particularly enjoyable way of releasing the pressure from work, well, he couldn’t complain.

Even if each encounter left him aching and reminded him yet again that he would never be anything but temporary to anyone.

Buck sometimes thought about Maddie, wondering if she was doing well in Pennsylvania with Doug. He hadn’t heard from her at all in the last two years, but he still sent Christmas cards every year, no matter where in the world he was. Maybe this year, he’d be able to send her a card from the firehouse. Would she be proud of him? That he’d finally found a place where he could belong? That he’d finally found his niche, as she used to tell him. 

He knew she would be proud, and that was enough to reassure him. Even if the thought of letting his parents know where he was or what he was doing appeals to him less than going to get a deep root canal.

He didn’t see why he owed them any information about his life. They didn’t know he’d signed up for the SEALs, hadn’t tried to contact him at all the whole time he was training. But then again, neither had Maddie, though he had sent her letters about it. In his next letter, he’d let her know where he was, and include his new phone number. You know, just in case she wanted to call him or something. 

The 24 hour shifts were something to get used to. He was already familiar with sleeping in new places, but even still adjusting to sleeping at the station took some time. There were a lot of pauses throughout the day. Times when there weren’t any emergencies in their jurisdiction, and so he and his teammates would sit around the firehouse and find things to do to fill up the time. Buck spent a lot of that time working out in the gym downstairs. Or if not, he was upstairs on the couch, playing video games with Hen, or watching movies with Chim because _apparently_ he was an “uncultured swine” who didn’t understand movie references. He didn’t mind watching movies with Chim. The older man never thought to ask him why he’d never seen a movie or heard of iconic TV characters. Buck never bothered to explain that he’d not been allowed to watch any of these things, he found it much easier to let Chim and Hen assume he just thought the world didn’t start until he was born.

He’s sitting with Bobby, early in the morning, and eating a piece of the omelet Bobby had just made him, when instead of the kitchen, he sees Eddie’s house, Christopher’s room more specifically. 

The little boy didn’t want to get out of bed no matter what Eddie said or promised him.

Then, Christopher turns over in his bed, looking up into Eddie’s eyes and asks in the smallest voice, **_“When is Mommy coming back?”_ **

Buck’s brow furrows. It had been months since Buck had last heard anything about Shannon or seen her at Eddie’s house. He knew the woman was visiting her mother somewhere but...what?

Had she not come back yet?

Guilt curdles in Buck’s gut like spoiled milk. 

**_Buddy,_ ** Eddie starts reluctantly, like he doesn’t know what to say to his son. **_I want to be honest with you always. You know that, right?_ **

Christopher nods, but he looks impossibly young the way he hangs onto Eddie’s every word. 

**_Sometimes...adults just need time to themselves. Sometimes the emotions in here_** —Eddie taps his chest— ** _are so big and so scary that you need to just...step away for a moment._ **

**_So she’s coming back?_ **Christopher murmurs.

Buck feels Eddie swallow, and with it the heavy stone of realization sinks into Buck’s gut.

Shannon wasn’t coming back.

 **_I don’t know_ ** **,** Eddie tells him. **_The truth is...she might not come back Christopher. But I need you to know that no matter what, you will_ ** **always** **_have me. Your mom loves you and I love you so much. Even if she’s not here physically, I need you to know that she will always, always love you, okay?_ **

**_Okay,_ **Christopher turns his head into his pillow and both Buck and Eddie know without having to see it that the little boy is crying. Eddie leans forward and rubs his hand along Christopher’s back.

 **_You don’t have to go to school today, okay?_ ** Eddie has work, Buck knows this, but he knew that Eddie would take the hit and take the day off if it was what Christopher needed. **_Just for today, we’ll spend the day together. Would you like that?_ **

Christopher sits up in bed and wipes his face. He looks his dad in the face and with a calm voice he says, **_It’s okay, daddy. I’ll go to school and you can go to work._ **

Buck blinks and a tear falls down his face and into his coffee.

He feels it all wash through Eddie, and it’s familiar. The feeling of failure, letting down the one person who relies on you the most. But this was Eddie’s kid, and here he was, taking news about his mom abandoning him like it was nothing. 

**_Can we—_ ** Eddie’s words stumble across his tongue. **_We can hang out tonight, right? We can get ice cream and maybe have a movie marathon?_ **

Christopher smiles, and the world spins again. 

“Buck!”

He snaps his head up and looks over at Bobby, who was regarding him with concern on his face. 

Shit.

“Uh, yeah, Cap?” Buck sits up straight, ready at attention for whatever Bobby needed from him.

“I was calling your name and you weren’t responding,” Bobby says, looking him up and down, lingering on his face. “Are you okay? You were crying--”

Buck shoves his chair back and stands up. He wipes his face and laughs it off with a sniff. “Must’ve been zoning out. Sorry about that, cap. I’ll go clean the truck now.”

Before Bobby can get another word in edge-wise, Buck is down the stairs, but he’s not heading towards the truck. He passes the people changing in the locker room and heads out the backdoor, stopping once he’s sure he’s alone and leaning against the concrete wall.

“Eddie?” 

**_How much did you hear?_ **

Buck huffs. “Enough. Why didn’t you tell me about--” about Shannon.

Eddie grumbles as he continues getting himself ready for work, packing up his keys while he prepares to take Christopher to school. 

**_I thought you knew._ **

“You know I’m not the NSA, right?” Buck says darkly. “I’m not spying on you constantly, just collecting data about your life.”

He hears it in the little noise of indignation Eddie makes in the back of his throat. He feels it in the irritation that swells in his chest, a similar yet starkly different flavor than Buck’s own.

But just as soon as it reaches its peak, all irritation slips out of him and he’s just left with regret.

“I’m sorry,” Buck says. “I shouldn’t have done that...that day.”

They both know what he’s talking about, but neither one of them wants to talk about it.

**_Listen...I have to take Christopher to school right now and then I have to go to work. I can’t talk about this right now._ **

Buck nods. “I know. I just wanted you to know. That I’m sorry. And I just—I didn’t mean to get carried away or-or let it go that far--”

 **_I get it._ ** Eddie snaps, but it’s not mad, in fact it almost feels...feels embarrassed? **_We—we can talk about it later, okay? Just not right now. I can’t talk about it right now._ **

Buck takes a staggering breath in, both to help calm himself and to maybe provide Eddie with even just a little bit of relief. 

“Yeah, okay. Later.”

The bell rings at that exact moment and Buck instantly turns in to go get his gear and head to the firetruck. 

**_Oh, and one other thing._ **The smile in Eddie’s voice is enough to fill Buck with enough energy to last him a month. 

**_Congratulations, Firefighter Buckley._ **

*

30 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie’s parents never liked Shannon. They’d put on the picture of a polite face for her when she’d been pregnant. They’d dote on her, his mom picking up all kinds of vitamins from Costco and presenting them to Shannon during her pregnancy and expecting her to just take whatever was presented in front of her just because they came recommended from a friend.

When Christopher was born, it just got worse. Now that Christopher was no longer growing inside Shannon’s body, his parents didn’t have any need to still pretend to care about her. It infuriated Eddie to no end, the backhanded comments towards her, the comments towards him. They were never ending, and Eddie learned the hard way that there was nothing he could do to make his parents stop. 

As long as they were in Texas, living just a few blocks from his parents, they would forever be under their thumb.

Eddie doesn’t blame Shannon for leaving. Sometimes he thinks she was right to get out while she could. Other times, especially when he looks at his precious son and sees the pain and hurt in his eyes even while he’s smiling, he resents her.

But Eddie had left too. He had left Shannon all alone with their son and his parents. He knew better than anyone that parenting with Eddie’s parents constantly trying to steal the wheel was as good as parenting alone. It was as good as not being a parent at all. 

He had to fight his parents to go home at the end of the night, had to turn down their constant dinner invitations even though most of those turned into them dropping by Eddie’s house and cooking for them anyway.

And when Eddie had to swallow his pride and ask his mom to babysit while he went to work, he knew he was going in reverse. More and more he felt like the opposite of a parent. Any positive steps he took forward, he’d get pushed back ten times harder until he found himself in the negatives. 

It was only the way Christopher looked at him, the way his little arms reached for him when it was time for bed and the way he turned around and asked Eddie for bedtime stories when his mom tried to take over, that comforted him. 

There was only one person on this earth that he trusted with his kid, and that was himself. 

And even then, he doubted himself more often than not.

He knew it in the way his parents spoke about him when they thought he wasn’t listening. If they wanted to talk about how much he sucked as a father, they should just go the fuck home to _their_ house and leave Eddie alone to be a failure in his own home.

Eddie didn’t have free time. The concept didn’t exist for him. He’d needed a job once he was discharged from the Army, and he had worked two back to back while Christopher was in school and his parents watched Christopher after school.

He wouldn’t admit it, and he would never tell Buck, but Eddie sometimes watched as the man went through the fire academy, and something in the back of his head said ‘maybe I could do that too’. He’d done his research, the salary would be _much_ higher than both of his jobs combined, and he’d get healthcare included for both him and Christopher—and that right there would take care of most of his financial problems. He’d still struggle—he wasn’t naive enough to think becoming a firefighter would solve all his problems. The hours would be long and grueling, and he’d still be spending way too much time away from Christopher, but at least he wouldn’t be asking to borrow money from his parents every other month. 

So, secretly, he puts in his own application to the fire academy. It took some time to get started on that. The fire academy paid minimal wages, but for the amount of time it took out of his day, he’d had to pick up a third part-time job working the graveyard shift, and that meant he’d had to take Christopher to his parents house to spend the night most nights since he couldn’t leave his son alone at night. Eddie told himself that it would be over soon. Once he got through the academy and once he got into a firehouse, he could get out of there. 

He decided that he would put in his applications to several fire departments, but not one of them would be in the state of Texas. 

He was done with his parents, and he knew Shannon was never coming back. Not to Texas, and not to Eddie.

He put into the best and highest paying fire departments throughout the country. He’d move anywhere as long as it meant he could provide for Christopher and that he’d be too far for his parents to drop by whenever they felt like it.

But, above all others, there was one department that he hoped would accept him the most. 

There were many reasons why Los Angeles was the best choice for them. Eddie’s Abuela was there as well as Tía Pepa and his cousins. He wouldn’t be completely without family there. Abuela absolutely adored Christopher, and she never once crossed the line to overstep Eddie’s decisions for his son. Pepa was strong-willed, and she’d always defended Eddie against his parents, even back when Eddie was a kid and she’d only been by occasionally for the occasional wedding or quinceañera. 

They would support him, and more importantly Christopher, far better than his parents ever could. That much he knew was a fact. 

And Shannon was in Los Angeles as well. He hadn’t heard from her in a while, and he knew that even if he did reach out to her, it didn’t mean she would want to be in contact with them. She hadn’t called, or sent any letters or anything, since the day she left the note on Eddie’s bedside table saying she needed time too.

Sometimes it felt like their relationship had ended the day they got shotgun married. They’d been trying to force themselves together into the image of what a family should be and they just...weren’t. He and Shannon, it was like they couldn’t speak without getting into a fight. They couldn’t see each other’s sides, couldn’t see past their own hurt. Eddie was to blame for it, just as much as Shannon. 

It was why he knew she wouldn’t be coming back. And if she did, it would be for Christopher, not for Eddie. Shannon and Eddie were never the partners they wanted to be, hoped they _could_ be. They may not have asked for a divorce, but this was as good as doing so. Shannon had left _him,_ not Chris. There was no more doubt in Eddie’s head.

They weren’t Eddie and Shannon anymore; they had barely ever been husband and wife. If she moved on with her life, wanted to be with someone else...well, that was her prerogative. Eddie...he was content as he was. He didn’t need anybody else. Just his son and Buck. 

So no, even if he did move to LA, he wouldn’t contact Shannon. He couldn’t even think about her back in their lives. How was he supposed to explain that to Chris? It was hard enough explaining why his mom left him. 

There was one more person in LA.

As far as Eddie knew, Buck had never set foot in Texas. That was purposeful, that he knew too. Buck, as much as they could with their shared _condition,_ had always done his best to never cross Eddie’s boundaries--and that included the physical boundary of coming to Texas. He’d been nearby so many times, it would’ve been so easy to cross over, to find Eddie, to meet in person for the first time in their lives.

But Buck never did. 

And he never would, Eddie realizes. Buck would never try to meet Eddie in person unless Eddie himself explicitly told him he could. And even then, he probably wouldn’t. 

Eddie _knew_ Buck. 

He tries not to think about that day all those months ago when he’d finally seen what Buck looked like. 

It made everything, somehow, more real. It’d been years since Eddie had fully accepted that he had another real life person talking to him in his head. And yet...the two of them had never shown each other what they looked like. 

That night had been a total accident. They were connected and Buck had stepped in front of the mirror without thought and it--

It felt like Eddie had been hit with a truck, and then a train, and then a helicopter, and then all three at once.

Buck was…

He was objectively attractive, that much was easy enough to see. He was tall—impossibly tall, probably even taller than Eddie and his body was somehow lean but still bulked up with enough mass that if Eddie hadn’t known Buck almost his entire life, he probably would’ve guessed military background right away—that, or a bodybuilder.

Eddie wasn’t a stranger to tattoos, he had several himself, but Buck’s tattoos told a different story. Tattoos didn’t always have to mean something, in fact most of the time people just got them to have something pretty or badass on their skin, but for Eddie at least his tattoos meant something to him.

And just by looking at Buck’s, he knew that most of them meant something to him too. He’s ashamed to admit how long he stared at Buck, how openly he ogled the long expanse of tanned skin, the grooves of his abs, the outline of the human head with the heart in the middle. That one in particular made Eddie’s heart stutter in his chest.

Buck carried his heart in his head. The thought creeps into his mind uninvited, the inkling that maybe the heart that existed in Buck’s head was him. Eddie doesn’t let the idea perch any further inside him. It was stupid, and there was no way it was true, so he wasn’t even going to dwell on it.

The more Eddie’s eyes traveled along the span on Buck’s skin, the more his ink stood out. There was a square overlapping a triangle above his right pectoral, and a squiggle that Eddie couldn’t quite make out from that distance on Buck’s shoulder. There was a double band just below Buck’s right elbow, and on his left forearm were two lines of curved script that Eddie couldn’t read. 

But more than the ink on Buck’s skin, or the swell of his puffed chest, or the dip of his collarbones, or the curve of his trapezius muscles in his neck, it was Buck’s face.

That’s what Eddie’s eyes had caught on, and that’s what he couldn’t get out of his head even all this time later. 

His eyes were a stark blue that Eddie could see shimmering even from a distance. They stood out against the blood on his cheek, even when all traces of it had been wiped away. His cheeks curved in, the bones prominent, framing a pink and a soft-looking mouth. And pressed right over his left eyebrow was a soft pink birthmark. The contrast with his blue eyes brought out the pigment in both and it—it took Eddie’s breath away. 

And the way Buck’s nearly slid shut as he rubbed the wet washcloth up and down his body...it was too much.

It was _far_ too much all at once and Eddie’s mind was wandering places he hadn’t let it go in years and it terrified him and this was _Buck._ Buck, who had been there for him in times when Eddie thought that would be it for him. Buck, who’d made a home in Eddie’s heart without even trying, Buck who made Eddie feel things--

He couldn’t think about this right now. 

There’s an incessant knocking at his door and he goes to open it. 

“Papi?” He looks toward his mom. “Mom, what--”

“What? We can’t have lunch with our son?” his mom asks, her arms crossed like she was daring him to even try.

Eddie grits his teeth. “No. I just thought we agreed we’d be at your house for dinner later tonight--”

“Right. Well, we wanted to talk to you about something Edmundo,” his father says with the dreaded full name. 

... _great._

He doesn’t let his parents in, but they move around him anyway, making their way over to his kitchen table.

“Come on in,” Eddie murmurs under his breath.

Turning around, he meets them in his kitchen. His dad has decided to sit but his mom is standing with her arms crossed and her foot tapping.

“Care to tell me why we’ve just heard from your abuela that you’re thinking of moving to _LA_?”

Oh. _Shhiiittt._

“I never said I was for sure going there,” Eddie scrubs his face. “I just called her and asked her some general questions.”

“Edmundo, when you said you were trying to become a firefighter, we thought you would join the _El Paso_ department,” his dad throws his hands up in the air. “But mama said you’re applying to Los Angeles?”

Eddie groans. “Yes, I applied to LA, and I applied to Chicago and a bunch of other states.” Quickly he adds, “In addition to Texas departments.”

It’s a lie, but they don’t need to know that.

“Why are you applying to departments out of state in the first place?” His mom demands. “You should only be applying to departments in Texas. Why on earth would you want to uproot your son’s life and move to another state?”

“I’m applying to all the highest paying departments in the country mom, and I’m doing it _for_ Christopher!”--and for himself, he silently adds-- “I’m trying to provide for my son--”

“He’s provided for here,” his mom throws her hand out to indicate to her and his dad. _"W_ _e’re_ here to provide for him.”

“I don’t need you to provide for him!” Eddie grits out. “I’m Christopher’s father--”

“And we are his grandparents!” His father stands up now, moving to stand by his mom, and Eddie knows this argument is lost. There is nothing he can do to get them to see his side. He feels his face sliding back into neutral, all emotions shifting to hide behind a blank wall. Impenetrable where nobody except one could access them.

His parents continue to rant at him, and Eddie picks up a few points—that Christopher’s lived in El Paso his entire life and uprooting him now could stunt his growth, that all of their family is here and how would he take care of Christopher on his own, how he needs them to help cover his house payments and Christopher’s medical bills. It’s all the same shit he’s heard over and over and _over_ again, and he’s sick of it. 

He lets them talk themselves in circles and pretends he’s listening. He knows the key. Look right between their eyes, right at the crease between their eyebrows. Gives the illusion that he’s looking them in the eye, listening to what they’re saying. He’s not.

Eventually they wear themselves out, and Eddie is proud of himself, minimally, for sticking it out yet again. It must be a world record. 

“At least tell us you’ll think about it,” his mom sighs.

“I’ll think about it,” Eddie repeats. 

That seems to be enough for them.

“We’ll see you and Christopher at dinner,” she says again and then soon enough, they’re leaving and thank _fuck_ he’s alone in his own goddamn house once again.

He checks his watch. There’s still three hours before he has to pick Christopher up from school. He can’t believe his parents came to his house on his _one_ day off this week and used up an hour and a half of his time yelling at him.

He can’t stay here. He just—he can’t fucking do it anymore. No way in hell was he letting Christopher live his life here, crushed under their weight. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t put Christopher through the same thing he was forced to growing up. Not on his fucking watch.

But for now...Eddie needed a god damn nap.

In his room, he plops down on his bed and throws an arm over his eyes. He drifts in and out a bit, then shoots straight up when two loud _honk honks_ blast through his eardrums. Sirens wail and his vision blurs and fuck—is Buck driving the firetruck?

 _Go away,_ he almost says, but instead he throws his head back and tries to press his face into the pillow and tries to will Buck into silence.

The man keeps on fucking honking and Eddie _cannot_ deal with this right now. He pulls his pillow forward and presses it into his face. It doesn’t help. He throws it aside with a frustrated grunt. He’s about to shout for Buck to shut up when--

**_Groovyheels297?_ **

...what the fuck?

He’s staring down at a girl in a silver convertible who says, **_This is cheating._ **

**_No, no, no. You said if I got to you in five minutes, you would be all mine._ **

Oh god...not another one of Buck’s conquests. And in the fire truck—really? Was he _trying_ to get fired?

She considers him and _ugh,_ of course she is. Eddie slams his eyes shut.

**_Is this why they call you Firehose?_ **

His eyes spring open. Call him _what?_

And then, in a voice that hits Eddie right in the gut, he hears, **_No._ **

_Oh fuck._

They pull over into an empty parking lot behind a business building and oh shit, oh fuck, Eddie can’t be watching this unfold right now. 

And yet his eyes stay shut, and the scene continues to progress until Buck has the girl inside the ladder truck. The pair waste no time, latching onto each other’s lips as the girl crawls onto Buck’s lap.

Holy shit, oh holy shit. He can feel Buck kiss her, the way her lips nibble the bottom one between her teeth and pull. Buck growls under his breath, moving forward to capture more of her mouth. And it feels.... _oh my god, that feels good._

“Fuck,” Eddie lets out accidentally, and Buck detaches himself from the girl’s lips in an instant.

He’s breathing hard, and chokes on something that sounds vaguely like **_Ed--_ **

**_You good?_ ** The girl— _Groovyheels297,_ Eddie thinks with an amount of bitterness that surprises even him—asks Buck.

Buck is panting, and Eddie feels his apprehension rise in his chest. Then, Buck is snapping his head to look at the side mirrors of the ladder truck and then—fuck, Eddie can see Buck’s face again. He’s wearing his uniform and unexpected lust stirs in the pit of Eddie’s stomach and rises all the way up his chest.

 _Fuck,_ Buck is staring at himself, but Eddie knows those eyes are looking directly into Eddie’s.

 **_I—_ **Buck pants, and his hesitation is palpable—just as much as his desire. But Eddie doesn’t know if that desire is for Groovyheels297 or for--

Eddie’s cock twitches in interest. Oh god, what the fuck was happening? Was he--?

Buck stares straight into Eddie’s soul and says, **_Yeah, I’m good. I want this. Do—Do you?_ **

The girl rolls her eyes, even though she’s already more than enthusiastically indicated that _yes,_ she wants this, and who wouldn’t want this? She shrugs off the weird turn their conversation had taken and instead says, **_Consent is sexy._ **And then she’s diving right back in, attaching her lips to Buck’s who’s eyes haven’t left the mirror. 

Eddie’s hand drifts from the bed up to his thigh, the ticklish sensation igniting a fire on his skin.

Buck’s hand squeezes his own thigh, and Eddie gets the message—Buck will shut him out if Eddie doesn’t want this. But it’s also an open invitation for Eddie to take if he wants.

And, for once, Eddie lets himself want.

“I want it,” Eddie moans, his hand slipping from his thigh up to his stomach where it slides underneath his shirt to his abs and rests there.

Buck whimpers, high-pitched and melting in his ear, and then he surges forward, kissing the girl with all his might. Eddie leans back into the sensation, the taste of Buck’s lips on—on this girl. But it doesn’t taste like her. Eddie barely feels her body, even though that’s who Buck is _really_ touching. 

Instead he tastes Buck, his lips and tongue on Eddie’s. The flick of his tongue and--

Buck drags her hips closer to him, grinding her hips down on his and _ohshitfuckdamn--_

Eddie nearly arches off the bed and he’s fully hard now, throbbing in his pants as one of his hands reaches down to cup himself. 

Buck opens his eyes again and stares at himself in the mirror as he grinds her hips down on his, humping up to meet her and it’s too much and not enough and Eddie tilts his head back and lets out a helpless moan.

 **_You sound so good,_** and Eddie knows it’s for him. **_Shit, so good._**

And then—and then the girl is unbuckling Buck’s belt and Buck looks down, letting Eddie take it all in. She unzips the zipper and Buck helps shove his pants down a bit, just enough for her to pull Buck fully out of his underwear.

“Oh _fuck,"_ Eddie moans, and squeezes himself harder before sliding his hand full into his boxers. Precum smears over his fingers, but he uses it to slide down over his length.

 **_Fuck that feels so good,_ ** Buck hisses, and Eddie watches as the girl both jacks him off in her hand and Eddie jacks himself. How nice for Buck—two hands on him, double the sensation. **_Want you so fucking bad._ **

The girl pulls her hand away and then lifts herself up, just enough so that her head is pressed back up against the roof of the ladder truck. She slips her underwear off underneath her skirt. Eddie tells himself he should be focusing on the girl, but as much as he tries to force himself, he just can't.

Every time Buck’s eyes meet him in the mirror, all Eddie can focus on is the swell of Buck’s muscles, how solid they are wrapped around him— _her,_ around the girl—and his face. God, his face is flushed and debauched and he’s looking at Eddie in the mirror like he’s never been more turned on in his life.

Is it turning Buck on? Knowing Eddie is watching him? Feeling everything he does with this girl? Can he feel it when Eddie touches himself? 

He squeezes the base of his cock and strokes up. **_Jesus_** **_Christ,_** Buck grunts. 

The girl gives him a sultry smile and then leans forward, taking the condom Eddie hadn’t even realized Buck had already pulled out and slides it over Buck’s dick.

 **_Are you sure?_ **Buck pants one more time. 

Eddie doesn’t know if he was in his right mind if he would say yes. But he’s not in his right mind, he’s so delirious in his lust for Buck that all he can do is stroke himself again and grunt out a _"_ _Yes,_ Buck, yes.”

And maybe it was the use of his name, maybe that was enough for Buck to realize that Eddie meant it and that he understood what was happening.

 **_Hell yeah,_ **the girl says, and then she’s crawling back over Buck’s lap and guiding the head of his dick inside her. 

**_Fuck, fuck—_ ** “Oh fuck, _ah_ \--”

Eddie feels her slide down slowly over Buck’s cock and— _shitshit_ —it’s tight and wet and hot and Eddie fucks up into his hand, unable to stop himself from moving.

 **_Oh my god,_ ** Buck’s panting and leaning his head over onto her boobs as he says, **_Do you feel it?_ **

“I feel it,” Eddie confirms. “Oh god, I--”

 **_Tell me how it feels,_** Buck demands. 

“So tight. Fuck, you’re so hot.”

**_Let me see you._ **

Eddie doesn’t have any mirrors in his room, none that would allow him to let Buck see him fully. But his eyes are closed, so Eddie opens his eyes and looks down at his body. Quickly, he shoves his sweatpants down and lets himself spring free, hand still wrapped tightly around his cock.

**_Fuck, you’re—you’re beautiful._ **

The girl thinks it’s for her, and she responds by seating herself fully on Buck’s cock before rocking her hips forward and then lifting up and off before sliding full back onto him again.

Buck and Eddie groan in tandem.

“Are you thinking of me, Buck?” Eddie asks because he wants to know—he needs to know right that second. “While you’re fucking her, are you thinking of me?”

**_Yes, you. Only you._ **

Buck grips her hips, and she pushes Buck’s head back so she can look him in the eye. If Eddie looks close enough, he can see the reflection of Buck’s face in her eyes.

Eddie’s hands trail up over his chest, peeling his shirt off. 

Buck fucks up into her and Eddie feels it inside of him like it was _him_ sitting on Buck’s lap. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Eddie knows that; he knows he’s not the one getting fucked, but he can’t stop his mind—and his fingers—from wandering. 

**_Oh fuck yes,_** Buck hisses as the girl gyrates her hips in smooth waves up and down over Buck’s lap.

Eddie can’t take it anymore. A finger circles his rim, just the pad, and as his forefinger pushes inside Buck lets out a **_please, yes, please please._**

And then remembers—Buck can feel everything Eddie’s doing to himself as well. Buck can feel as Eddie slides his finger in and out of himself, his other hand still stroking himself in time with Groovyheels297’s bounces up and down on Buck’s cock. 

Eddie hadn’t fingered himself in—in well years. When he was younger, before he’d enlisted, before he’d met Shannon, he’d let himself explore, wondering what it would feel like to have something _other_ than his fingers inside him. Something hot and pulsating and fleshy and-- when he would accidentally brush his prostate and his mind would picture a cock rubbing against it, Eddie would freeze up suddenly, his gut churning. He’d quickly withdraw his fingers from inside himself and then go drench himself in freezing cold water to get rid of those thoughts.

For a long time, he hadn’t had to worry about that. He had Shannon. He could fuck her all he wanted. Granted, _she_ hadn’t wanted to all that much, so more often than not Eddie used his hand most of the time anyway.

But now, as Buck fucked into this girl, slamming his cock up into her, Eddie knew without a doubt it was a cock he wanted inside himself. And not just any cock, he wanted _Buck_ \--

He can’t take it. With a groan, Eddie flips himself over onto his stomach so his length is caught between his stomach and the bed. With the hand behind him, he pushes a second finger inside himself.

 **_Oh fuck,_ ** Buck moans. **_More,_ ** **more.** **_Fuck me._ **

Eddie slides his two fingers in and out of himself at the same time as the girl speeds her hips up, fucking down hard on Buck.

 _"Harder,"_ Eddie demands through gritted teeth, grinding his cock down onto his mattress at the same time as he thrusts his fingers. He finds his prostate and— _f-fuck—_ “Shit, fuck me harder, Buck, _please."_

Buck’s burly arms wrap around the girl, clutching him close to his thick chest. He’s so much bigger than Eddie, heavy and hard against him. Buck smells like cologne and Eddie’s eyes roll back in his head. Buck’s thrusts become frantic, rough and wild as he continues to whisper vulgar promises into his ears, about how he can’t wait to see Eddie come, can’t wait for him to come on his cock, can’t wait to come inside him. 

Wicked hot heat builds up inside him, and Eddie switches positions, sitting up on his knees. Eddie continues to sink down on his fingers, thrusting up into his encircled fist at the same time that he rocks down onto Buck’s cock. 

Buck pulls away, returning his gaze to the side mirror so that Eddie knows, without any other doubt, that Buck is thinking of him.

 **_Come for me,_ ** Buck rasps, his voice frenzied and impatient like a man possessed, **_Come on my cock, fuckfuckfuck--_ ** **ah!**

Eddie feels Buck unravel, feels the orgasm rip through the younger man as he comes inside her, filling up the condom as she continues to ride him to her own sudden ecstasy. She clenches around him tightly, and Eddie fucks down onto his fingers one more time—hitting his prostate just so before he comes hard—again.

Buck grunts, feeling Eddie’s orgasm burst and flow over him too. It’s nothing but total bliss for a long moment, Buck panting in his ear, Eddie’s limp body falling forward onto his bed with the memory of Buck’s warm hands all over his skin.

And just as quickly as it started, it ends—Groovyheels297 is talking to Buck. She’s asking if his birthmark is from someone punching him, and Eddie wants to snap at her for ruining the moment—this isn’t _their_ moment. Eddie and Buck...they didn’t have sex. Buck and Groovyheels297 did, and Eddie was just a voyeur, sitting there touching himself while he watched them and--

**_Hey, can I, uh...can I get your actual number?_ **

Cold, hard regret washes over Eddie, and he sits up, dried cum itching on his stomach. Oh fuck, what did he just do? Buck asked the girl for her number—he didn’t care at all that Eddie was here, lying in his bed wishing he could touch Buck for real and--

Eddie had thought this was for real—fuck how stupid was he for thinking Buck was thinking of _him_ when here Buck was asking this girl for her number. He wouldn’t ask her for her number if he didn’t like her, if he didn’t want her.

**_Let’s not ruin everything by actually getting to know each other._ **

She doesn’t want Buck...they’d just—and Eddie he’d—he’d been a part of that and--

She kisses Buck on the mouth and Eddie feels like a whole fucking idiot. She jumps out of the ladder truck, but Buck doesn’t follow her.

**_Eddie…? Eddie, listen to me. I’m sorry, I—I know that you’re—you’re not--_ **

He knew it. This meant nothing to Buck. It was just another one of Buck’s hookups in a long line of meaningless hookups, and Eddie had deluded himself into thinking it had something to do with him. That Buck wanted _him._

Shannon didn’t want him. None of his high school girlfriends or anyone else had wanted him. And why would they? He’d never been enough for them, and he still wasn’t good enough.

**_Eddie, I’m sorry. Can we please just talk about this?_ **

Eddie gets up off his bed and grabs a towel, wiping himself off. He dives to put his pants back on.

“What else is there to talk about? I get it okay. I get it--”

**_Eddie, what are you--_ **

“I can’t do this,” Eddie cuts him off. “I can’t do this with you, Buck.”

 **_I..._ ** it’s choked and Eddie feels the pain rising in Buck at that same moment as it washes over Eddie. **_Eddie, please, I’m sorry._ **

“I can’t do this,” Eddie repeats, closing his eyes.

**_Eddie, please don’t shut me out--_ **

The line goes dead. Buck’s gone.

Eddie sinks to the floor and buries his face in his hands.

This was all his fucking fault.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's
> 
> Buck's section:  
> -some "no homo bro" level homophobia from an OC  
> -minor blood/wounds  
> -some shirtless touching that's borderline sexual (mentioning just in case, although nothing explicitly sexual happens here)  
> -Buck worries about crossing Eddie's boundaries/helping Eddie cheat (he is unaware just yet that Eddie and Shannon are done)
> 
> Eddie's section:  
> -EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT IN THIS SECTION:  
> -Through their telepathic connection, Eddie accidentally sees Buck having sex with Groovyheels297 (the girl Buck hooks up with first in 1x01), Buck becomes aware that Eddie is watching, and both get explicit consent to watching each other while Buck continues having sex with the girl, and Eddie masturbates. (Again, none of it is happening in person).  
> -I also do just want to point out that Groovyheels297 is unaware that Eddie is watching. Eddie is not really paying any attention to her, really only to Buck, but I do want to point this out in case the issues of dubious consent on her part wigs anybody out. As is canon, she has consented to sex with Buck.  
> -If you would like to skip this section for any reason at all whatsoever, you can skip over once you read the canon lines "Groovyheels297" and "Firehose", that leads up to the sex and goes through to just before the end of the chapter.


	8. the sky took my balloon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG shoutout to [Ro_Nordmann](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/) for making me not one but TWO fanart covers for [this fic](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/post/626211794144362496/objects-in-the-mirror-by-sevensoulmates) and for [Don't Take My Sunshine Away](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/post/626390873889964032/eddie-is-in-a-coma-and-buck-blames-himself-he). Both of these are so incredibly gorgeous and I love them SO much.
> 
> TW's in endnotes, but there aren't many with this chapter

26 Years Old: Buck 

It hurt like a splinter under a nail that wouldn’t come out no matter how hard he stabbed around under his skin. Buck tries not to let it affect his performance at work, but he’s distracted. When they end up at the snake lady’s house, Buck’s first instinct is to chop its head off. It’s not till later that he sits with his actions and thinks about if that was just the start of everything going down hill.

No. Buck knew what the problem was. The problem was always him, and him alone.

He pushed Eddie too far and now the older man wasn’t speaking to him, wouldn’t open up to him. It’d been a couple of weeks and Buck has tried to reach out but he kept getting the same metaphorical dial tone. Eddie isn't picking up the phone. Not for Buck. It prickles at his skin—the constant sting of rejection. 

He thought—he thought they had something. The things Buck and Eddie had done with each other— _to_ each other. The memory still made his toes curl. The phantom touch of Eddie’s hands on his skin, on his chest, on his dick, inside him...it was all too much and not enough.

He thought he had blown it with the bare-chested washcloth show in the bathroom, but then Eddie had shown up in his head when he was in the middle of a hookup and he just—he just didn’t _leave_ and Buck had given him ample time to leave, to hang up and Eddie didn’t. He asked permission more than once and Eddie still...they still did _that._

And then Eddie regretted it. As soon as it was over Eddie regretted it. Buck felt it wash over him, and he felt nauseous, and the first thing he thought to do was blurt it out if he could get her number...in some backward attempt to prove to Eddie that this wasn’t a big deal. That Buck wasn’t expecting anything from him.

Because if he could just find some way to let Eddie know that he hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable, that he didn’t mean to push it that far. He knew that it was important to Eddie to have that... _separation_ from Buck. Even Buck valued it because privacy was not an easy thing to come by when someone has been sharing your life with you inside your head every day since you were 12. Eddie was private, he’d always been and Buck had tried to respect that because he knew the day that Buck crossed the line that Eddie would run for the hills and that was exactly what had happened.

Buck wasted a few days being numb, feeling sorry for himself, and then…

Then he got angry. 

It was a common Buckley trait. When they were angry they didn’t lash out, no. His dad would keep on with his seething comments, cutting to the very core of who you were while his mom would turn God on them, trying to prove just how ugly and shameful everything he did was. With Maddie, she sulked. She shut everyone out. 

And with Buck...he acted out.

He knew Bobby was keeping a sharp eye on him, especially after the incidents with Athena and the toilet baby, and after he’d caught Buck coming back from his hook-up with Ed— _Groovyheels297_ with the ladder truck when it wasn’t supposed to leave the station.

So of course when he saw a pretty face that looked up and admired his physique, he knew exactly where it led. Why shouldn’t he sleep with the snake girl? She wouldn’t want him once they finished either.

Maybe if slept with her Eddie would open back up to him...maybe Eddie would see him, would touch Buck again, touch _himself_ again— 

Thinking back on it, he probably shouldn’t have taken the ladder truck again during work hours.

Bobby fired him.

And all the anger sapped out of him. He was losing _everything._ He’d already lost his family, his sister. He’d lost Eddie because of his own stupidity, and now he lost his job. The one thing Buck had going for him that he actually liked and that made him feel good about himself. 

He tries to throw around the sex addict angle, but Bobby knows just as much as Buck that that wasn’t true. They both knew what it was, but neither of them wanted to admit it.

He can’t let it go. He can’t just _give up_ firefighting, it’s the only thing Buck has left, the only thing that he’s done for himself and if he had to let it go now— 

No, no, he just couldn’t do that. But it was no use. Bobby said Buck was done.

And then there’s a home invasion, and Buck’s the only reason they could capture the guy before he killed the little girl and her mom—before he killed Athena. They worked together, Athena, Buck and the 911 operator—Abby. It was incredible. A firefighter, a police officer and a 911 operator all working together to take down the bad guy.

And Abby...Buck recognizes something in her. Some sort of helplessness, a desire to be a hero, to be someone who makes a difference. He can tell it all just from one phone call. 

He gets his job back within the same day he lost it, and he knows from then on that he would never do anything to risk it again. This was where he belonged, with the 118 and the LAFD, saving people. He feels invincible. 

The only time he’s able to take his mind off of Eddie is when he’s working, when he’s kicking ass and saving lives.

Until he doesn’t save Devon.

He couldn’t eat after that, could barely sleep. He couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all his fault. Devon would never go home to his sister, to his family and friends, all because Buck couldn’t save him from falling 10 stories from a broken roller coaster.

They want to interview him, calling him a hero for saving all the other patrons on the ride, but Buck doesn’t _feel_ like a hero. It just reminds him he’ll always be a failure, he’ll always let people down somehow, even if he had thought he’d found his forever job.

“When we take the uniform off at the end of the day it symbolizes letting go of all of the sad, crazy, inhumane things we've seen that day,” Athena tells him.

But he can’t do that. He can’t take the metaphorical uniform off at the end of the day, because when he closes his eyes all he can see is Devon’s face. Sometimes he sees Anthony’s face, just moments before he was about to drown. Other times, he thinks of Eddie—how helpless he felt sitting on that battlefield, shooting at faceless people, bleeding out on the ground—he almost lost him too.

He can barely do his job. Every new call, Buck wonders if this was going to be the new Devon, the new person Buck failed. Would this man die because of Buck? Because he was too incompetent to do one job right?

They’re on site at a call when the 911 operator—Abby—from the home invasion calls him.

It’s kinda weird. She got his number from the police report and called him because she saw him on the news. It doesn’t sit well with him, just how easy strangers could get his phone number and just call him out of the blue, but then she says he looked like he was having a hard time, like he could use someone to talk to and— 

He can’t believe someone _noticed._ Someone who didn’t even know him, had barely had more than one conversation before, had heard Buck on the phone, saw his face on TV and just _knew_ that he wasn’t okay. That he couldn’t take people calling him a hero because people _died_ and that was on him. That would forever be on his conscience.

He tells Bobby about the SEALs, opens up just a little bit about his past, figuring Bobby deserves to know, at least somewhat, why this was hitting him so hard. He puts Buck in contact with a department therapist, and it’s the first time anyone has ever made Buck go to therapy,and he does not like it at all. 

Buck had never disliked his emotions. They got him into trouble, but they’d always lead him in the right direction. But sometimes they took over him completely, and he couldn’t sit still, couldn’t form coherent thoughts, and this was one of those times. 

The therapist—he couldn’t even remember her name—was talking to him, trying to get him to open up, but he couldn’t. Her questions were getting too close to the truth of things, and if she cracked him open, Buck didn’t know if he’d ever be able to pull himself back together again. 

She gets too close and Buck can feel himself slipping when she pokes at the most awful feelings Buck has about himself and the tears fall and it’s too much, it’s too much—he doesn’t want to do this. He can’t do this, can’t talk to her or anyone or— 

She puts her manicured hand on his knee. 

Buck’s brow furrowed; he knew this move. It was a classic move. A little touch to his knee, bending forward to display her breasts, curled hair pushed back over her shoulder seductively. He looked at her face closely for the first time since entering her office and she looked familiar—yeah, she was one of the handful of friend requests he’d gotten on Facebook after he did those interviews for the news.

Why was it he shows up on TV once and then suddenly everyone’s banging down his door? He had women getting his phone number off sealed official records, and women friending him on Facebook, tracking him down even at work. 

It was all so easy for them. And yet, the people who mattered never bothered to reach out to him. Maddie hadn’t called him in years, he didn’t even know if she was still living in Pennsylvania. She and Doug could’ve moved to the moon for all Buck knew of them. And Eddie— 

Buck looked him up once. Googled his full name, and when seeing a long list of people pop up, somehow he knew none of these people were _his_ Eddie. 

His Eddie didn’t have social media, didn’t want his existence known all over the internet. But Buck was everywhere. He was just a press of a button away...but Eddie would never do that. He’d never cross that line. Buck doubted Eddie would ever leave Texas, ever even want to be in the same state as Buck.

So when she gets flustered, tells him he should delete the Facebook request, Buck knows he has her hook, line and sinker. He leans forward and kisses her and she doesn’t pull away, falling into his arms instantly. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wonders if he just keeps on fucking these chicks in the hopes that Eddie will come back. That if he just keeps it up, fucks them well enough, that Eddie would feel it, would want it again. 

Want _Buck_ again. 

But then he remembers that Eddie _didn’t_ want it, and the guilt burns in his gut, and he hopes that Eddie didn’t actually feel it because if he did Buck wouldn’t be able to live with himself knowing he’d violated Eddie. He couldn’t do that, no, no, no— 

He hightails it out of the therapist's office, knowing that she’ll sign off on him returning to work with a clear bill of mental health. But Buck knows that the therapy didn’t do jack shit. 

It only made him feel worse.

Talking to Devon’s sister was the only thing that helped. That, and strangely enough...Abby. She calls him again, and this time, she asks him out. It’s a first for him; he’s never been asked out by a girl before. Especially one that he’s never seen in person. She’s older than him...she knows what she’s doing and— 

And she... _cares_ about him?

She barely knows him and she...she actually cares. About _Buck._

And—oh fuck...if he goes out on a date with her he just knows it’s gonna end in sex. 

He can’t do that anymore. He can’t keep pushing away everyone who shows even an inkling of interest in him by sleeping with them.

He’d slept with Vini only after one day and one date, and even now Buck knew that that was never going to last long. Not with Vini being an active SEAL and the man _knew_ that and still went ahead and made Buck feel like someone wanted to be with him for real.

Eddie…

Buck had ruined everything with Eddie before it even began because he couldn’t keep it in his stupid fucking pants.

That was all he could do. When he wasn’t feeling good about himself, he went out and he found someone willing and he fucked and he fucked and fucked until the shame went away, until he didn’t feel so bad about himself anymore. But every single time, after they get off, after they leave and Buck’s alone again, it just gets worse and worse. He feels more ashamed; he feels worse about himself.

He couldn’t fuck up again like that. Not with Abby. She—she cared enough to reach out to him and make sure he was okay, she cared enough to see through the facade.

She...she _saw_ him. Talking to her, the few times they had...made him feel good. Made him feel like maybe there was something there, someone safe, someone who wouldn’t run away. 

And if Buck fucked her, it would ruin absolutely everything.

So he turns down their date, but he doesn’t end it there. They agree to keep talking, keep calling each other. She wants to keep talking to him and Buck feels...he feels _elated,_ like he was in a hot-air balloon rising into the sky and nothing could drag him down. 

He learns of her mother and her mother’s condition, that she takes care of her for nothing in return and Buck is, quite frankly, amazed by her. He looks forward to her calls, grateful that Abby even felt comfortable enough to share her worries about her mom with him. 

Buck doesn’t volunteer any information about himself, but he’s more than happy to let her confide all that she wanted in him. She calls him during the plane crash and Buck does his best to find the guy she was looking for—even when it turned out he was dead. 

Even if Buck never shared anything of himself, just knowing Abby was there if he _wanted_ to was enough for him. 

He’s fine with their relationship being purely over the phone—in fact, he almost prefers it. They can talk all they want, and Buck never has to worry about falling into bed with her. He knows that she knows what he looks like, and that more than likely she asked him out because she also found him attractive. But that wasn’t what Buck focused on.

It was the easy way Abby drew him into her life. When her mother gets lost, she lets herself open up to him. She cries on the phone and it breaks Buck’s heart, but it also feels like they are _building_ something together. From the ground up. 

And then they meet in person and Abby is...she’s beautiful. She has soft-looking orange hair that Buck wants to touch. All he can think about is that Abby _wants_ him in her life, wants him to see her, wants him to want her. She didn’t shy away about his questions about her past, about her sex life. They get to save a little girl from electrocuting together _and_ they find Abby’s mom.

They make a good team.

Even still there was also a nagging at the back of his head. There was still something missing, a presence that should be there but wasn’t. Eddie never really strayed far from his thoughts, even when he was with Abby.

He knew Abby wanted to be physical with him, and he wanted to be too. But he just...couldn’t. And he felt thankful that she was so on board with them waiting, even if the desire got stronger.

She tells him not to go have sex with girls on tinder, and—and he won’t lie, it stings a little. He knows he has a problem, but he’d undownloaded tinder a while ago. And it kind of irked him that she thought he was still sleeping with other people when he was talking with her...but he guessed he understood. He knew his reputation; he _explained_ his reputation to her. 

But he knows what she wants, knows how she craves physical contact, wants to feel _sexy._

He wants to give her what she wants. Phone sex feels safer, it gives Abby what she desires and Buck feels sated, if only for a little bit. Sometimes he wonders if Eddie ever overhears him, or if he just shut him out and kept him out. He wonders if Eddie will ever let him back in.

He doesn’t think about Eddie at all in bed when he has phone sex with Abby. 

He even takes her to Valentine’s Day dinner, and all he can think about is that he doesn’t have to feel lonely anymore. Abby, somehow, filled the void inside of him. She was wicked smart, and innovative, quick on her feet—she would poke fun at him and instead of it making him feel bad, it made him feel like he belonged with her. Like they were partners. A team of their own. 

He felt like he mattered to her, like he was her person.

That’s what gets him to break, even after the Valentine’s Day fiasco when he’d nearly choked to death and _still_ didn’t hear a peep from Eddie. 

She wants him, and Buck thinks this _has_ to be for real.

That’s why he does it, that’s why he shows up to her apartment on the full moon, despite how much he’d waxed on and on that day to anyone who would hear him about how much bad luck the full moon brought, how it made people crazy, makes them act how they normally wouldn’t act, makes people make mistakes. He still went through with it, because in the back of his head, in his heart, he thought he was making the right move. He thought it was time, that he had finally found the person he was supposed to be with.

They sleep together and it feels _good,_ even with the nagging in the back of his head that something was off, that something bad was doomed to happen as soon as the deed was done. 

He ignored his instincts; he ignored the ache that lingered in his body when they cuddled in her bed afterward. 

He waited, and waited, for the void inside him to inch wider. He waited for the emptiness to come back.

It never did. Somehow that was all the sign Buck needed. Even if it all went downhill from there.

Abby—she was a busy lady, Buck wasn’t faulting her for that. Buck was busy too, work kept him on his toes constantly, and yet...Buck wanted to spend time with Abby. He wanted her to keep looking at him, seeing his value, saying that he did good and that he was a good person. He wanted her to keep on wanting him, but she was _busy._

Abby’s mom kept her home more often than not. Buck didn’t mind, he’d met Abby’s mom, and she was kind despite how much of her memory had gone. He’d offered to come over to her place, cook her food and just hang out, but Abby didn’t seem to ever want him at her place if her mom was awake. She said that she didn’t want to burden him, that she didn’t want him to see it all because it was so _unsexy_ to be taking care of her dying elderly mom.

Buck didn’t understand. He just wanted to spend time with her, even if it meant spending time with her mom too.

But Abby didn’t want that. She only wanted to spend time at cafes or walking through parks or anywhere _other_ than at her house where Buck could be anywhere in the same general vicinity as her mom. 

Did she not trust him? Or did she just feel ashamed of her circumstances?

Or...was she ashamed of Buck?

The creeping familiar weight of doubt perched on his shoulders, following him around as he made a reservation to a nice restaurant that took him a week and a half of begging Karen to ask her friend to set him up—only to have Abby bail on him at the last second. The devil on his back whispered to him he was a failure, that he was impure and that Abby didn’t want him anymore. 

He needed to make a grand gesture—that would make her see him again. That would make her want him around again.

It’s embarrassing how much money he spent on that hot-air balloon. Truffles were _not_ cheap and the wine he bought was from an actual brewery and not just from Trader Joe's. 

_Effort,_ Maddie had told him once, _women appreciate effort._

So Buck gave it his all. Brought them to a vineyard and everything, bought her flowers and had an entire speech prepared for her about how much he liked her.

Seeing her face light up made it all worth it, even as not two minutes into them walking up the hill to meet the hot-air balloon she gets a call from Carla about her mom and she has to go.

Maybe...maybe Buck was fooling himself _again_ to think someone like Abby would ever actually want to be with him. 

He knew what it was. He’d slept with her, and after that, they hadn’t had a whole date to themselves in weeks. 

Was it—had she gotten what she wanted of him? Or—did she think he only wanted her for sex? Because he thought he had made it clear that he didn’t just want to sleep with her, he wanted to _be_ with her. She was the only person who made him feel worth _anything_ these days, and yet…

It felt like they were going nowhere.

It was the same problem, over and over, and there was nothing Buck could do to change it. Vini had asked him out, they had gone on dates, they’d slept together and Buck wanted to be with him but the man didn’t care enough to build a relationship with him beyond a summer fling. And Eddie— 

Eddie hadn’t wanted him, and the man had lived in Buck’s head for almost his entire life. He knew Buck better than anyone else in the world. Maybe even more than Maddie, and that thought _scared_ him. If the one person who knew Buck almost better than he knew himself didn’t want him, then what hope did he have of anyone else ever wanting him?

He knew to expect the inevitable. A breakup was on the horizon, and Buck—for once he wanted to be the one ending things, the one who _wasn’t_ the one left behind.

He talks to Bobby about it briefly, and for a moment, he’s almost swayed. 

“I think your problem is you're hoping to pull her out of this trap she's in with her mom. That's not gonna happen,” Bobby tells him when Buck tells him about his thoughts about breaking up with Abby. He uses the excuse that Bobby is expecting—says he wants something more fun and less adult. He knew if he said that Bobby wouldn’t try to ask what the real problem was. “What she needs is for you to step inside with her, keep her company in there.”

They’re talking about Abby, Buck knows that, but his traitorous heart can only think of Eddie. He thought that was what they were to each other. They were each other’s company through life—through the ups and the downs. That’s what they were.

Buck still didn’t understand it, how they even shared this ability to be so connected as they were—and yet they did nothing but try to keep the distance between them.

All Buck had wanted, since he was twelve years old and recognized Eddie’s voice in his head for the first time, was to keep going with him. 

He had to take a break after talking with Bobby, had to take a walk outside the firehouse (but still within distance to hear if the bell rang) to clear his thoughts.

It terrifies him. What if Eddie never came back? What if whatever it was they had was gone for good? What if—what if he never got to see or hear or _feel_ Eddie inside his heart ever again or— 

Abby’s leaving. Her mom dies, and she’s going to Ireland, and Buck knows that she knows she’s not coming back. But he lets her shrug and the words “I’ll wait for you” pour out of Buck’s mouth because he _has to_ wait for her. He has to hang on to the hope that she’ll come back—that Eddie will come back.

He’s not enough to get her to stay. He was never enough to even get her invested in their relationship in the first place. 

But still he can’t let go of her. He _can’t._

If he lets go of her, that’s it. Buck will have absolutely no one. 

He watches her go through the dreaded glass doors. The ones he can never cross, not at the hospital, not at the airport. He can never cross the glass doors Eddie had built between them in his mind. 

He goes back to Abby’s apartment, empty of anything and everything that made the place at all look like a woman and her mother had lived there before. Now it looks like a show house, a place to be made up, only for the benefit of others and never for the comfort of people who might actually live there. Whatever ghost family lived in this house didn’t mind allowing Buck to join.

He stares up at the ceiling as he lies down on Abby’s bed.

It’s been a long time since Buck fell back into his old childhood hobby of looking up at white ceilings—because they were always white—and following the patterns with his mind. It was almost like cloud watching, but for when you weren’t allowed to leave the house like Buck hadn’t for years.

He hears a door slam and jerks up so hard in bed that he nearly falls off the side. 

“Abby?” Buck jumps up, rushing out to the living room.

There’s no one there. Buck shivers with fear. He really hoped he hadn’t actually invited any actual ghosts into Abby’s apartment.

But then, like the reassuring touch of an old friend, he hears a voice that he had been so sure he would never hear again.

**_Hey, what are you doing out here?_ **

Buck shuts his eyes. Eddie’s standing on the porch at his parents’ house and he’s—he’s irritated and... _exhausted._ Buck feels it pour over him like a thick grey rain cloud that had been soaking and soaking up all the pain until it just couldn’t hold on anymore and let it pour.

 **_You guys sounded mad,_ **Christopher says. He’s sitting on the front step, ringing his hands. 

Had it really been so long since Buck had seen Christopher? The little boy looked like a young man now. Buck’s guilt mixes with Eddie’s, a swirl of bleak colors. Eddie goes and sits down next to Christopher. If they’re at Eddie’s parents’ house, it’s not a far jump to say that Eddie had been in a fight with his parents. Again.

**_Oh, no one's mad at you, buddy. They're mad at me._ **

Buck knows the feeling too well. Being the biggest disappointment of his parents' lives, he feels the exact same thing in Eddie, and even worse because it’s Christopher, thinking they’re disappointed in _him_ when that was the farthest thing from the truth.

**_Never heard them yell before._ **

Buck is just as surprised as Eddie. He’s heard Eddie’s parents yell plenty of times—it was the first thing Buck had ever heard from Eddie, the grating voices of his parents telling him to get up and stop making a scene in church.

**_Wow. It's like we're talking about completely different people._ **

Sometimes that’s what it was like with parents. At least that was what it was always like from Buck’s experience, likely from Eddie’s experience too. Who your parents were to you and who they were to other people were always two different stories, like an alternate version of a person that you knew existed but had never actually met.

But not Eddie. Buck had had the privilege of watching Eddie with his son, feeling how much love Eddie held inside of himself for his little boy, and it was—overwhelming was the closest word he could come to describe it. It felt boundless, shapeless. Like the universe, forever expanding and expanding with no boundaries and no end in sight. 

That was Eddie’s love for Christopher, and Buck ached to feel it too.

 **_Hey, did you ever miss me when I was gone?_ **Eddie asks Christopher.

 _I miss you all the time, Eddie,_ Buck thinks as he sinks back into the wall. 

**_I miss you all the time,_ **Christopher mumbles.

Buck’s eyes snap open and he feels it the same way Eddie does. It’s a gut punch. Christopher—Christopher had read Buck’s mind like _he_ was the one inside his head, and Buck can’t stop the tears that start flowing.

Did Eddie think of Buck too? Did he miss Buck _at all?_ Or was Buck just some distant memory for him? Another PTSD daytime ghoul to haunt him in his dreams?

 **_You know, I was thinking about taking another trip,_ ** Eddie says after a long moment of silence. He turns to Christopher, who’s smiling like the brightest sunflower in a field burned to the ground. **_And I was wondering, maybe, if you wanted to come with me._ **

**_Together?_ **It’s the hope in Christopher’s voice that gets him. It’s what makes Buck slide down the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest.

**_Together._ **

**_Really?_ **And Christopher sounds downright delighted to get to go on a trip with his father, just the two of them. Buck doesn’t know where they’re going, and he knows he’s not supposed to be listening in on this conversation. 

Eddie draws Christopher into his arms, holding the little boy tight to his chest. Christopher lets out a little sigh of relief, like it’s the first time in a while he let himself relax and truly just be. He sounded content in his father’s arms, and Buck just can’t take it.

Does Eddie even realize that Buck is a witness to all of this?

 **_I miss you all the time too,_ ** Eddie says and Buck knows it’s to Christopher but some stupid, heartbroken, naive part of himself wishes harder than he ever did on any star that Eddie somehow was talking to him too. **_I'm never gonna leave you again._ **

And even as Buck sits there silently crying in Abby’s apartment, he wishes that someone, _anyone_ would feel that way about him. That they’d come back for him.

But maybe Buck was just never meant to have that.

He would have to be okay with it.

So even after he can no longer hear Eddie and Christopher’s voices in his head, Buck stands up. He wipes his face and straightens his shoulders.

 _I’m doing this for me,_ Buck says as he walks back into Abby’s room and grabs his duffel, throwing in all of his clothes before gathering his toiletries from her bathroom to throw in his bag too. Like an idiot, he’d latched onto Abby so hard that he’d practically moved in with her after her mom died. And she just let him stay there, attached to her neck like a leach, slowly draining all of her blood. 

Not anymore. 

If Eddie didn’t want him, if Abby or Vini or anybody didn’t want him, then _fine._ That was just the way it was. 

He wouldn’t be the ghost in Abby’s apartment anymore. He wouldn’t be the unwanted thought that crossed Eddie’s mind. 

He starts searching for his own place that night.

*

30 years old: Eddie 

Eddie would be lying if he said one of the ultimate reasons he ended up choosing LA wasn’t because of Buck. 

He had Abuela and Pepa, that was for sure. And even if they were in the same city, he would not call Shannon.

But Eddie missed Buck...it's been years since they last went a long time without talking to each other and—and Eddie couldn’t take it.

He cheated, if that was even the right word. Sometimes, he would let his mind wander and he’d check in on Buck, see what he was up to. It wasn’t often, and it wasn’t long, but Eddie just couldn’t _not_ feel Buck anymore.

There were a couple of times when whatever Buck was feeling would hit Eddie hard and out of nowhere. 

When the liberty jet plane crash was all over the news, the sorrow he felt was not one of someone removed from it all, someone only seeing it on TV. For a moment, he was on that beach, in the plane, watching as Buck strapped a rope to the refreshment cart that was blocking the bathroom door, and felt his stomach give out as Buck hit the deck to avoid the thing smashing into him as it flew through the air.

Another time, Eddie had been at work and a thrilled—and a bit frantic—feeling sprung over him. Buck was at a studio of some kind and—whoa. There was a boatload of pregnant women all over the place and not one but three of them were giving birth at the same time.

**_I’m Buck and that’s Bobby, just in case you want to name him after us. You know, in our honor or something._ **

**_No, I don't think so._ **

Eddie had busted up laughing, his boss giving him a weird look for seemingly cracking up out of nowhere in the middle of an empty store.

The last time, he found himself standing in a vineyard, glancing back and forth between a giant hot-air balloon and a silver car that was speeding away.

Oh. Buck was on a date.

Of course he was, of course he had moved on. Eddie didn’t blame him. Their little...tryst or whatever it was was a one-time thing. A fluke because both of them were in the mood and just needed something— _someone_ to help take the edge off. Buck was just...Buck was being a good friend.

And Eddie felt bad. They’d promised each other they wouldn’t keep doing this, shutting each other out when it got too painful. And Eddie had done just that. It’d been only a few months, but not talking to Buck was more stressful and more maddening than Eddie had anticipated.

He’d gotten used to it, Buck, the ever-present entity in his head.

He was already leaning towards LA anyway. He would say it to anyone who asked him. The only thing holding him to Texas, the only thing keeping him from packing up and bouncing—was Christopher. It still lingered, the itch that said his parents were right, that he couldn’t just force Christopher out of his life in Texas and take him to the West Coast to start a new one. 

He almost decided to stay—almost.

And then his parents tried to steal his son from him, and that was the last fucking straw for him. But still, he would never just leave without talking to Christopher about it first.

The little boy was up for a trip together, he was _excited_ and that made Eddie excited and then— 

_I miss you all the time._

Eddie hadn’t misheard. His boy missed him all the time.

It was the exact same thing Buck had told him, once upon a time, the last time they reunited after not speaking for a while. It was a sign, even though Eddie didn’t believe much in them. But he believed in his son, and he believed in Buck.

He was tired of running away from his problems. It was all he had done before, by going to the military, and all it had caused him was a run-away wife and a son who missed him even when he was right there.

Leaving Texas, that didn’t feel like running away, that felt like running towards something. Running towards a better future for himself and for Christopher in LA, towards family members who loved and respected Eddie as a father.

Towards Buck.

Even if they would never be anything more than friends, Eddie was done shutting him out. Buck was his best friend, his _lifelong_ best friend, and Eddie didn’t want to do this anymore without him.

As Eddie crossed the border into California all he could think about was that this felt _right._ He was getting warmer and warmer. Closer to where he belonged, where he and Christopher could finally make a life for themselves.

Getting settled into their new house took some time. He missed the house assignments that this year’s new LAFD recruits were assigned. There was a meeting happening at the LAFD headquarters and a couple of the fire captains from around the city wanted to meet with him.

Apparently his arrival was highly anticipated, even though Eddie didn’t think he was worth all the commotion. But he knew it wasn’t him the stations were after, it was the shiny prestige of his silver star.

Eddie didn’t know what firehouse Buck had joined, but the first captain to come to speak to him was one Eddie vaguely recognized. When it dawned on him, Eddie had to bite his tongue to keep himself from laughing out loud.

_We’d love to have a veteran on the team._

It was the same captain who Buck had met and had tried to recruit him because he thought he was a veteran. Station 6. It was closer to the water on the beach, which Eddie knew Christopher would love since he was already begging for surfing lessons not two seconds after he caught a glimpse of the west coast water line. 

But something about it rubbed him the wrong way. The way the captain kept on going on and _on_ about his silver star, wanted to know every detail about the convoy crash, wanted to know more about his tours, his position, his expertise.

If he wasn’t already completely put off by Station 6 with what he knew from Buck’s experience, his own personal experience would’ve made his choice even more easily.

He speaks to a few other captains, and then he meets a man named Captain Robert Nash of the 118.

Eddie recognizes him in an instant. This is Buck’s captain, and— 

It’s surreal, seeing someone from Buck’s perspective with his own eyes. Buck looked at Captain Nash—Bobby—like he was Zeus on top of his throne on Mount Olympus. The man craved Bobby’s approval like no other, Eddie knew that just from checking in on Buck at work just a few times since he’s started working there.

Eddie didn’t know Bobby, but the man seemed kind. He introduced himself, and Eddie was fully expecting more questions about his silver star.

“So, Eddie, I’ve heard from the chief you had several offers across the country. What was it that made you choose the LAFD?”

And he couldn’t exactly say _well, I wanted to get me and my son out of Texas at all costs and also, hey, there’s a firefighter on your team who won’t talk to me and I really miss him._

“I have family here,” Eddie says first. “And...well, sir, to be honest I came here because I feel like Los Angeles will provide better opportunities for my son.”

It’s not a lie. In fact, it’s a huge reason why he was happy to come here. In general, Eddie found people always looked at him and Christopher with skepticism in their eyes, looked at Christopher with pity, but the couple of times he’d been to California to visit Abuela, he’d known that the place was more accepting than Texas. 

There were better schools, even though it was downright impossible trying to find one that fit Christopher’s exact needs, but already they were still better than the ones in El Paso. The hospitals were better as well. Christopher had to have several surgeries done, and they didn’t anticipate him needing any more for a while, but when those times came, he wanted to be able to access the healthcare expertise LA held. 

He wanted the best for his son, and he would stay up all night every night searching if it meant Christopher got it.

Bobby nods. “The schools in this area are pretty good, at least from what I’ve seen.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks. “How old are your kids?”

Bobby’s jaw clenches only slightly, but Eddie picks up on it. He doesn’t question it. 

Bobby however offers, “My partner’s kids go to school around here. That, and many of the people on my team are also parents, and I’ve heard nothing but good things.”

And that’s interesting. If Bobby’s team had a lot of parents, then surely that meant he was used to having people need to switch shifts, or having to accommodate for when there were emergencies with their kids. 

Eddie already knew that Buck looked up to the man, more than he did his own father, and maybe that was for a reason.

“My son has CP,” Eddie finds himself telling Bobby. “He’s the most important thing in the world to me.”

Something registers in Bobby’s eyes, an understanding passing between them. Bobby shifts his tone after that, diving into more logistical questions about what kind of hours he was looking for, the type of team experience he was looking for—was he looking for a direct partner or did he prefer to work completely as a paramedic on medical calls only. 

“Well, Eddie,” Bobby throws a hand out and Eddie shakes it. “I think we would love to have you join us at the 118. But even if you choose another station, feel free to reach out if you need any assistance finding Christopher a school. I can ask my partner and see if she has any recommendations.”

Eddie blinks. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thank you, captain.”

Captain Nash nods at him once more before he turns around and leaves.

Okay. 

Maybe Eddie could see why Buck revered the man so much. 

Back at his new house, Eddie sits in his bare-boned kitchen. 

Should he try to contact Buck? Give the man at least a little bit of warning that he was here? That he’d joined the LAFD and was about ten seconds away from calling up the chief and telling him he’d like to join the 118.

If it was Eddie, he knows that he would appreciate a warning but...at the same time, he knew how he would feel if it was him. Knowing Buck had packed up and moved his whole life across the country and settled in at the same job as him.

It would freak him out.

Maybe it was better if Eddie just showed up? Said surprise? Buck always liked surprises, right? Maybe this would be a happy surprise for him.

He groans, putting his head down on the table. Did he just make a big mistake? What if Buck was angry? What if he was upset or—or _weirded out_ that Eddie was now showing up at his work, working with his team?

What if he just made out like he hadn’t known the 118 was Buck’s fire house? What if he just pretended he didn’t know that Buck was a firefighter in LA?

Would either of them even buy it?

With his eyes closed, Eddie drifts off, reaching out to Buck even if the other man didn’t want to hear from him. If he concentrates hard enough, he can see a TV and a couch, playing video games with a smiling woman he recognized as a member of his team.

Who was Eddie to just jump in and interrupt that?

Would Buck accept him as part of the team?

It hits him then. 

He was going to see Buck in person for the first time in his thirty years of life.

Finally, Buck wouldn’t just be the little voice in his head. He would be a real, living and breathing person. Eddie could stand in front of him, see him smile and feel him breath, and it wouldn’t have to be through a mirror. 

He would get to see Buck with his own eyes, and maybe...maybe touch him with his own fingertips.

His vision changes, and he can see Buck’s hands turning the key to an apartment Eddie doesn’t recognize. It doesn’t look like the same place Buck had been in before with his roommates. It didn’t look like the apartment he had shared with that woman. But then again, Eddie had done his damnedest not to look in on Buck when he was with _her._ He just couldn’t do that, it scraped like a dull knife at his heart when he did that. So he stopped, but he could still remember vaguely what her apartment looked like, and it _definitely_ didn’t look like this.

This place was...nice. Incredibly nice, actually. Eddie had no idea how on earth Buck managed to afford it, but the place was two stories with an open floor plan. There was a set of hanging stairs that led up to a landing that looked like it contained a bedroom.

The place was also bare, like Buck had only just recently moved in. 

Did he get a new place with his girlfriend? He didn’t see anyone around, it only looked like Buck’s stuff. 

Then they both hear the water from the upstairs bathroom shut off.

Fuck, Eddie realizes, Buck moved to a new place with his girlfriend, didn’t he? 

But….But then why was all he feeling from Buck was a sense of confusion.

 **_Abby?_ **Buck calls, but not like he was expecting her, but like she was the only logical explanation he could think of as to who the fuck was in his shower.

Not a moment later a woman with short wet brunette hair and pretty features wearing sweatpants steps out of the landing and makes eye contact with Buck.

Eddie’s heart sinks. He’s pretty certain that’s not Abby. From the glimpses he caught, the woman was older, and had orange creamsicle colored hair. 

This woman, whoever she was, was not Abby. 

It didn’t make any sense to Eddie. Buck might’ve been the kind to sleep around, but he was never the kind to cheat on somebody, so who…?

Buck’s phone clatters to the ground and then suddenly Eddie feels Buck’s chest fill with recognition, relief and also...dread?

The woman walks closer, and she starts to look a little familiar to Eddie too.

 **_Maddie?_ ** Buck gasps.

Oh. Oh _shit._

Buck’s sister was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -Buck canonical issues regarding sex  
> -Buck sleeping with the therapist from season 1 IS IN THE CHAPTER (nothing graphic, but it is mentioned), so if you are wary about that, please be careful  
> -not sure there are many others in this chapter but if anyone feels anything else needs to be warned let me know
> 
> Title for this chapter and the next chapter come from the song [Cool Like You by The Spacies](https://open.spotify.com/album/4qA7vI3qlp4PvyK95aQ8Cd?highlight=spotify:track:2HpruiNxi2rdBw92KEePdY) which has been one of my top go-to buddie songs to listen to while writing both this fic and DTMSA


	9. my imagination made you up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally made it to 2x01. Hope y'all like it!
> 
> No TW's in this chapter, but as always, let me know if there's any I should add

27 Years Old: Buck

Buck doesn’t have very much stuff unpacked. Really, he doesn’t have much stuff of his own period, but he figured that things to cook with, like a pan and a whisk and stuff, were necessary if he wanted to not starve. He guessed it was a good thing, since he could at least make his sister some food while she stood at the island without a chair.

He hadn’t bought a table yet, but it was next on his list.

“How did you even find me?” Buck asks.

“Well, I went to the address where the Christmas cards kept coming from, but the dude said you were living with your girlfriend now. But when I went to that address, they said you moved here. I mean, you could’ve made it just a _tad_ bit easier for me, Evan.”

Buck chuckles lightly, ducking his head. “I didn’t do it purposefully. I was planning on sending a card from this address this year.” Then he turns away, murmuring a bit more mean than he expected. “Didn’t realize you even got those Christmas cards.”

Maddie smiles sadly. “I'm sorry I haven’t been in touch recently. But I loved the cards I got. Think you’ll do another one of you in your uniform at the station?”

Buck nods, smiling to himself, proud of himself and all he had accomplished for once. Still, even his own pride isn’t enough to quell the hurt inside him.

“I haven’t seen you in three years, Maddie.”

“Yeah, I know,” Maddie prickles, crossing her arms. “It’s not what I wanted. Believe me, if I could’ve reached out to you, I would’ve. But I’m here now.”

“What about Doug?”

“Who cares about Doug?”

Buck’s brow furrows. He’s never heard his sister talk that way about her husband, even when their parents used to throw insults out about him left and right. She always defended him. Never had a single bad word to say about him. And now she was here, and not in Pennsylvania with Doug, and she was saying she didn’t care about him anymore?

“You left him?” Buck asks, and he honestly can’t believe it. They’d been waiting, almost since the day Maddie and Doug got married, for her to wise up and leave him. 

She purses her lips, but the look in her eyes is hard. “Finally.”

He’s proud of her, so incredibly proud, but he doesn’t say it. Instead, he just asks, “Do they know?”

They both know who they’re talking about. 

“No.” It was the answer he was expecting and still he finds he’s surprised. “And don’t tell them if they call. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m here.”

“Well, your secret’s safe with me,” Buck says, raising his eyebrows when Maddie looks at him expectantly. “You’re not the only one I haven’t spoken to in years.”

It lingers between them, the long moment where the truth of how separated and fractured their family had become over the years. Buck, honestly, hadn’t expected to hear from Maddie ever again. He thought—well, he thought she was done with him. That she’d made her own life and didn’t want any part of her old life anymore. Hearing that she still got his Christmas cards, enough to have them on hand to use when she was trying to find him, was shocking enough. 

“So what happened to you?” Maddie asks, the tone of her voice shifting to something light and curious as he buzzes about his new apartment. “Because this place is _nice."_

She points out at his balcony and then up at his loft bedroom before making her way over to his couch—the _first_ new piece of furniture he’d ever bought himself.

He follows her over, explaining about Bobby and how he was teaching Buck how to cook. He tells her he’d only started renting out this place a few weeks ago, and that’s why it was still so threadbare. 

He doesn’t tell her about Abby, or about the SEALs or South America or Vini. He’s never spoken to her about Eddie before either, and why would he? Who would believe him if he said that he had a person in his head that he could communicate with and see through their eyes and feel it when he touched him? He loved Maddie, he did, but he didn’t want her thinking he was crazy. 

The entire situation _was_ crazy, but to Buck it was just a natural state of being.

He sometimes caught glances of Eddie again, but the man never spoke directly to him. Buck could see that he’d definitely moved—some place warm and sunny, that was for sure. Maybe they’d moved to Arizona or Nevada, those states were close by. 

But that was all he knew. It was as much as Eddie would let him see. 

Buck hadn’t spoken to Maddie in years, and yet she had come back. She showed up on his doorstep (more like in his shower) and just...decided she would be speaking to him again.

But she wasn’t planning on staying, that much was certain. He could hear it in the way she talked about passing through, like visiting Buck was just a pit-stop on her way to someplace better. Safer. 

He could be her safe place. Maybe he could finally have his sister back for real. He could protect her, if that’s what she wanted. If she wanted a life free from Doug. He could help her find that right here in LA.

She sleeps on his couch that night. Buck hopes that somewhere in those days she would spend here that she would find it in herself to want to stay.

Buck falls asleep that night thinking about Maddie, and about Eddie.

If Maddie could come back for him, maybe Eddie would too. It’s a stupid hopeful thought and it’s entirely useless. 

Eddie would never come here for him.

Buck wasn’t worth that much.

* * *

_Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, what a mighty good man~_

The man standing in the locker room in front of Buck is, in a word, sexy as all fuck.

He’s lean and tan, and his hair is long and floofy. He has a patch of hair in the center of his chest, and if Buck’s eyes trailed downward, he could make out a set of washboard abs that made Buck want to— 

“Now _that’s_ a beautiful man,” Chim says with a smirk at Buck, like he just knows it will rile him up.

“Where’s the lie?” Hen says, ogling the man up and down too. “And I like girls.”

It’s like he’s putting on his shirt in slow motion, Buck can’t bring himself to drag his eyes away. His slight fingers trail over his head, chin tucked as he pulls the shirt down over his chest. He has a strong brow, his face long and 5 o’clock shadow—the most facial hair they could have as mandated by the LAFD. And Buck knows why Hen and Chim are trying to rile him up. They think he’s finally got competition for the hot firefighter calendar. And yeah...fuck, maybe he does.

The man bends slightly and _wow_ —okay, that’s a nice ass.

“Who the hell is that?” Buck asks, and maybe he should’ve just kept his mouth closed. Maybe he shouldn’t have shown up to work at all that day.

“That’s Eddie Diaz, new recruit.”

Buck’s entire heart falls out of his butt.

Bobby and Hen and Chim are gossiping behind him, talking about the _new recruit,_ but Buck can barely hear them. 

No.

_...No._

There was no fucking way that this man was _his_ Eddie Diaz. No way. Eddie Diaz was a common name, a name shared by many men all over the world. Buck knew because he’d googled it and— 

Nuh uh. It couldn’t be his Eddie. His Eddie knew that Buck was a firefighter, knew that he was working for the LAFD. Hell, his Eddie probably even knew he worked at station 118. Why on god’s green earth would Eddie purposefully bring himself here? Bring himself _closer_ to Buck?

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to him,” Bobby says to them all. “He likes to be called eight-pack.”

“ _Dayum,"_ Hen purrs. “Silver star.”

Buck freezes in place, not bothering to follow them.

No, it’s not the same Eddie. He caught the tail end of what they were talking about, that this Eddie had served multiple tours in Afghanistan (just like his Eddie), that he had a silver star (just like his Eddie), but Buck just couldn’t force himself to believe that Eddie— _his_ Eddie—the Eddie that had lived inside his mind for nearly his whole life was here.

The team is in the locker room with Eddie, chatting with him, introducing themselves with smiles and pats on the back. And Eddie..he smiles a soft smile that irritates the hell out of Buck.

This was _not_ his Eddie.

It was an imposter, stealing Eddie’s name and his life, and he had come here just to mock Buck. To strut around like he owned the place, to show that no, Buck would never have his own life, would never be free of the knowledge of just how _unwanted_ he was.

He keeps his eyes narrowed and watches the imposter, even when they make eye contact and the new guy looks like he’s about to come up and say something to Buck.

Buck straightens his back, crosses his arms, and levels the guy down. Daring him to try to even say a word. 

There’s something in the guy’s eyes, and Buck can’t tell what. It’s almost enough proof for Buck that it wasn’t Eddie, because Buck was more attuned with Eddie’s emotions than his own. He could feel Eddie’s emotions washing over him easier and smoother than anything else. And he couldn't read this guy at all. 

The new guy keeps looking at him out of the corner of his eye. As he walks around and gets introduced to everyone else, as the bell rings and they head out on a call. They sit across from each other and Buck keeps his eyes firmly planted on this dude.

_Now_ the guy could barely stand to look at him, avoiding Buck’s gaze as he looked out the window, trying his damnedest not to touch Buck’s knee with his own. 

“So, silver star, huh?”

Jesus, shut _up,_ Chimney. All Eddie says is a curt ‘yeah’ and that’s it. He doesn’t offer up any information, doesn’t meet anyone’s eyes. 

Buck crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.

“You save a platoon or something?”

_No,_ Buck thinks. _Eddie nearly died out there, and I watched him almost do it._ Buck could sometimes still feel the phantom pain of Eddie getting shot in the hand and in the shoulder. It had knocked Buck out for days, and even as Eddie healed, the pain didn’t go away. Buck knew the pain of a bullet in his body, and he’d never even gotten shot.

“Just a convoy.”

Buck grits his teeth. He just wanted everyone to Stop. Talking. The more he heard, the less confident he was that this wasn’t _his_ Eddie and if this man sitting in front of him _was_ his Eddie...Buck didn’t know what he would do if the man he’d been pining after for half of his life, the man who’d broken his heart, was finally within touching distance. 

“Eddie, you heard about the hot firefighter calendar?” Hen asks and Buck shoots her the deadliest stare that just makes her grin like a cat that had just caught a mouse in her teeth.

Eddie plays along, and everyone’s laughing it up, enjoying the conversation, and Buck is just so _done_ with this. 

How was it so easy for everyone to just accept this man into their station, into their ranks? This was their first call, and for all they knew Eddie could suck ass at his job. 

(It’s not true, and Buck knows it, knows that Eddie could do the job forward and backwards with his eyes closed.)

The imposter smiles and drives Buck up the goddamn wall.

“So is your real name Eduardo?” Buck throws out.

_Please say yes, please say yes,_ Buck chants in his head. If he says Edmundo…

Eddie looks Buck in the eye, like he knows what Buck is doing, fishing for information. 

“No,” is all Eddie gives him as an explanation. 

Then what was it? Wasn’t he going to elaborate? Maybe his name wasn’t Eduardo, but that didn’t necessarily mean that his name was Edmundo. There were many variations of the name Eddie. There was Edgar, or Edgardo. Or Edison, like Thomas Edison, or maybe even Edwin—yeah, this weasel looked like he could be an Edwin. Edwindo?

Buck looks “Eddie” up and down. “People ever call you Diaz?”

“Not if they want me to respond.”

Oh ha _ha._ He thinks he’s real funny. Buck starts off on a rant about why they can’t just call him by his first name. It wasn’t right, everyone on the team had a nickname. And the truth of it was that Buck didn’t want to call this man—whoever he was—Eddie. He wanted a nickname for him, something else to call him so that when Buck looked at him he didn’t have to constantly wonder if the puppy dog brown eyes and the soft-looking lips and wavy hair was actually the body of the man he’d been picturing in his head for nearly two decades. 

“I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not,” Eddie says, and it’s a joke, Buck can hear it, but he’s not in the mood for whatever humor this guy was trying to play around with.

“I like to operate under the assumption that nothing he says is serious,” Chimney gives a good-natured laugh and Hen and Bobby laugh around them and— 

Okay, that hurt.

Buck catches eyes with Eddie just briefly before he turns his head away completely. Eddie wasn’t laughing.

They finally arrive on the scene and Bobby actually asks _Buck_ to take lead and now was his chance to show Eddie that Buck wasn’t someone to mess around with, that he was someone to be taken seriously. Buck was good at his job, no, he was _great_ at his job, and he didn’t want people like Chimney or whoever making Eddie think Buck was incompetent. 

And sure, maybe Buck wasn’t exactly the best person to take lead on this one, he’s not the one with the most medical expertise of the whole team, so when Eddie takes over he’s almost relieved, if he wasn’t so irked by the fact that Eddie does it so easily and he’s overly polite. He says things like ‘please’ and ‘please help me with the shirt’ like he’s trying to include Buck, but all it does is make Buck feel the same utter uselessness he’s felt every day since he was born.

Eddie saves the guy and Buck sits back on his heels, eyeing him wearily.

That night, when he heads back to his apartment, he thinks of _his_ Eddie. The real Eddie. He tries to contact him, see where he is, what he’s doing. He gets some flickers of Eddie’s house, of Christopher sitting at the dinner table and eating with him. There’s an older elderly woman sitting with them that Buck doesn’t recognize. Maybe Eddie’s grandmother?

Just as soon as he gets the image, it fades. And of course, because Eddie just loves to ruin Buck’s life, he doesn’t do anything helpful like walk in front of any mirrors to confirm if the same body he’d seen earlier that day really belonged to the man in his head.

The next day at work, Buck decides he’s just gonna spend all his free time when they’re not on calls in the gym. It was always his preferred hobby for distracting himself—other than finding a random hookup. But he wasn’t about that life anymore. 

He’s lifting weights when Eddie walks over in a revealing tank top with boxing gloves. Buck tries to ignore him, especially when he does a roundhouse kick that he does _not_ find hot at all. Buck walks by to get heavier weights and makes sure Eddie sees that he’s packing weight and he’s not afraid to bench him over the table.

Eddie just keeps punching away and he’s not _paying attention._ Fine! You know what—Buck takes out his phone and opens the front camera. Striking a pose he knows shows off his muscles, he takes picture after picture.

He could be just as hot as Eddie—even hotter. 

He fails to stop the grin from spreading over his face when he notices Eddie’s punches falter, getting weaker and missing the mark. He _heh,_ victory!

“You’re in the wrong light, man.”

_Motherf—_

“Some of us don’t need lighting to look good.” And Buck looks good. He knows it, because he’s worked for it.

Chimney, the absolute worst traitor of all, starts talking to Eddie about the lighting comment, and Eddie whips out his phone, showing the man professional looking pictures that Buck doesn’t steal a glance at as he walks oh so casually past the pair and back. 

Eddie has the _audacity_ to laugh at Buck when he mentions the professional photographer who is apparently his twelve-year-old niece. Chimney keeps chatting away like they weren’t purposefully trying to humiliate Buck and make him look like an idiot.

It’s mean and Buck regrets saying it as soon as he does, but he can’t stop himself from making a quip at Chimney about Eddie getting his hopes up for winning the hot firefighter calendar slot. He knows it’s the exact spot to hit if he wanted to hurt Chim, and that was exactly why he did it, and he felt horrible about it instantly, but no measly ‘no offense Chim’ would be enough to make up for it. 

Eddie is looking at him like he doesn’t know who Buck is. And that’s exactly the problem, wasn’t it? This man had no clue who he was, or who anyone in this house was, and yet he waltzed in here like he owned the place, like he’d known and worked with these people for years. 

Eddie is right in front of where he’s sitting now, looking down at him.

“What’s your problem, man?”

What’s his problem? What’s his _problem?_

His problem is that this isn’t Eddie! But it _was_ Eddie! And he’s just standing here, talking to Buck like they didn’t have a lifetime of memories and wishes and pain and longing. He’s acting like he doesn’t even know Buck, but at the same time like he’s been here this whole time. It’s infuriating, Buck can’t even wrap his own head around it. He both wanted this to be Eddie because he missed him, _fuck,_ he missed him and he craved Eddie like he craved air, but he would fall the fuck apart if this was Eddie because how could he just up and leave him for months? Buck thought he meant something to Eddie and then Eddie didn’t speak to him and now he was here, at _his_ station, acting like nothing ever happened.

And the worst part is he knows how hypocritical he’s being. He knows he’s done the same thing to Eddie, when he was with Vini. And now, with Maddie back, it was almost the same thing. She ghosted him for three whole years and he still accepted her back into his life without question.

Why couldn’t Buck ever seem to just learn his goddamn lesson? 

“Okay, you.” Buck says, standing until he’s face to face with Eddie, and wow, he didn’t realize how much taller he was than him. Eddie looks up at him, doesn’t shy away, doesn’t break eye contact. “You’re my problem.”

Eddie looks at Buck like he’s seeing him for the first time.

“You come in here like you’ve been here for years,” Buck shakes his head. “And you act like you know everyone when you _don’t."_ He stares at Eddie hard, not even caring that Chimney was still off to the side, watching them. He can’t stop himself, doesn’t even realize how crazy this would sound if this wasn’t the same Eddie who’d been in his head since they were kids. “You’re pretending to be someone you’re not, pretending like you don’t even _know_ me after everything we’ve—”

Buck’s voice breaks and his breath catches. He feels tears starting to spring to his eyes and _shit_ he hadn’t meant to get emotional. He hadn’t meant to let all of that out, not when he wasn’t sure.

Eddie’s face is sparkling with sweat, and his eyes widen with realization before settling back into a more neutral look. And Buck can see it in there, he can see himself, he can see the hands that have touched his face, his shoulders, fingers that have run through his hair and calmed him from the worst of his panic attacks. He sees Christopher, the lovely little boy with the most delicate and beautiful spirit, clear as day on Eddie’s face. 

Buck sees the soul that he’d held inside him all this time, manifested before him.

He’s beautiful, and all Buck can think is that this is what they’ve missed out on. Fifteen years he could’ve been staring at this face.

“Buck, I didn’t mean to—”

“I gotta go,” Buck turns and hightails it out of the gym as fast as he can.

He can’t bear to look at Eddie right now, knowing that he’d come all this way and still wouldn’t acknowledge Buck.

He doesn’t care enough to notice the eyes looking on around him, having been watching everything that just happened.

*

31 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie follows Buck from where he’s gone off towards the showers but is stopped by Bobby, who had apparently been standing by the stairs watching their whole interaction. Great.

“Eddie,” Cap starts.

“Listen, I’m sorry—” Eddie interrupts. “I know it’s been an adjustment getting used to me here and I kinda just went and made it worse and—”

Bobby regards him silently. “Did you know Buck before coming here?”

Fuck. Bobby’s perceptive. 

Eddie sighs. “Yeah. We knew each other.”

Bobby nods. He doesn’t ask Eddie to expand on it, to explain how they knew each other and what was the baggage they carried around with each other. Didn’t ask why Buck had been so standoffish with him this whole time and why Eddie had seemingly been pretending to not know Buck.

He was going to tell Buck the truth that first day. He really was. There was a whole plan that he rehearsed in his head on the way to work that morning. 

It went something like ‘Hi Buck it’s me, the guy you sometimes talk to in your head’ and Buck would be surprised but happy to see him (because Eddie simply couldn’t allow himself to think of what was actually likely to happen) and then Eddie would say ‘can we just forget about the time we fucked and say it didn’t count and just go back to being best friends because I miss you and I can’t stand not talking to you anymore?’. 

“He’s going through a really hard time right now,” Bobby said unexpectedly. Eddie looks up. He knew a little from what he’d heard from Chim. Apparently Buck and Abby _had_ broken up, but Buck still seemed beaten up over it. “He’s a good man, Eddie. Sometimes he just acts out because he’s hurt.”

Eddie nods along, the pointed knife of guilt carving patterns on his ribs. “I’m not upset with him. It’s partially my fault—“ Eddie doesn’t say how much. 

Bobby just purses his lips and drops his hand from Eddie’s shoulder. “We all just need to be professional here. If we can get through the day, then we can spare some time to try and make amends, yeah?”

The bell rings just then and everyone kicks into action. 

Eddie sees Buck come out from the bunks. He hops into the front of the ladder truck, not even bothering to try to make eye contact with Eddie.

He guesses he deserves that.

The call was for an elderly man who’d accidentally set off a grenade in his home and it had gotten embedded into his leg. They were about to transport the man in the ambulance when Bobby taps Buck on the shoulder and tells him to assist Eddie in the ambulance to keep the man stable. 

Buck meets Eddie’s eyes and clenches his jaw. He looks back at Bobby who gives him a pointed look, so Buck shoulders it and gets into the ambulance with him.

At first it’s fine, it’s quiet. They do their jobs and they patch the man up, keep him from bleeding out before they can make it to the hospital. 

Buck talks with the man for a bit, keeps him calm, and Eddie watches him subtly every now and then between cleaning gauzes. He wants to say something but he doesn’t know what.

“Be careful with the bandages.” And it’s completely the wrong thing to say, god _damn_ it, Eddie.

Buck’s jaw clenches. 

“You ever seen a piece of rebar go through someone’s head?” Buck asks out of nowhere.

“No,” Eddie can say that at least he hasn’t seen that.

Buck nods, his jaw jutting out. 

“Just saying,” he sniffs. “Just because not all of us have seen the _battlefield_ doesn’t mean we haven’t seen things out here on the streets of LA.”

Eddie almost groans under his breath, it’s only the presence of the man bleeding out in the ambulance that stops him.

Obviously Buck didn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room. Or rather, the elephant that _used_ to be in their heads. 

Fine. They were working. They could talk about it all later.

If they even got a later. When Eddie notices that the grenade in the man’s leg is not _,_ in fact, dormant, but live he shouts to pull over startling everyone on the team, even Buck.

When it’s obvious that he’s the only one in the vicinity with enough experience to get the grenade out of the man’s leg with enough time to save his life, Eddie knows he has to step up.

Eddie swallows his apprehension, pushes away the thoughts that if something went wrong, that was it. That would be the end of him, and then what would happen to Christopher— 

“I’m in.”

Eddie’s eyes snap to Buck’s. The taller man—and Eddie still can’t get over the realization that Buck was _taller_ than him—levels Eddie with a knowing look.

Even when they weren’t in each other’s head, they knew exactly what the other was thinking.

They’re already getting fitted with their gear and Eddie only snags a moment to murmur to Buck, “You don’t have to do this for me.”

“I’m not,” Buck says, pressing in the last of the zips on his protective vest. “I’m doing it for Christopher. He’s not losing his dad today.”

He must’ve been staring, open-mouthed, for a minute because Bobby clears his throat.

“No funny business, you hear me?” He tells them, glancing between the both of them. “You heard what the commander said, you get it out and then you get the hell away. I’m not losing two of my best men in one day.”

Eddie’s only been with the team less than a week, and Bobby already thought of Eddie as one of his best men?

He can’t think about that right now, how validated it made him feel from someone he barely knew, and instead he steps into the ambulance with Buck.

Eddie tries to engage Charlie in conversation for a brief moment before the morphine kicks in. They learn that he wanted to be a soldier but couldn’t and that it was one of his biggest life’s disappointments. 

“Not all hero’s serve on the battlefield,” Eddie tells him, before looking up at Buck, who was staring right back with an uncertain look on his face.

“You ready?” Eddie asks Buck. They’re close now, faces in each other’s space, and Eddie wishes he could take the time to marvel at the man in front of him, to just study his face and memorize every expression. 

But instead he has to pull this grenade out of the man’s leg. It’s harder than expected, but somehow, he and Buck are able to communicate effortlessly, sometimes without even words, and eventually Eddie is able to pull the bomb out of his leg.

The laugh Buck lets out is almost dizzy with relief, and with Buck so close Eddie feels the desire to reach out and touch his bright face. It’s so different from looking at Buck, who was looking at himself through a mirror. This was Eddie getting to behold Buck with his own two eyes, and the sight before him was...enchanting.

They pass the grenade off to the bomb squad and pass Charlie along to the emergency room. And it’s just them, under the cover of night, standing in a near empty parking lot just staring at each other.

Eddie can’t believe he’s here. With _Buck._ He can’t believe that they just did _that_ together.

“You’re a badass under pressure,” Eddie manages to breathe out. And finally, _finally,_ Eddie says something right.

It’s worth it for the tender smile that passes over Buck’s face as he blushes and shyly asks, “Me?” like Eddie hadn’t been witness to the many layers of Buck’s wonder all of his life. 

_I missed you,_ he thinks and wishes that somehow Buck could hear it. _I missed you so much._

“You could have my back any day,” Eddie says, and he hopes that Buck remembers it. Remembers how he’d been there for him when Eddie first found out Shannon was pregnant and he thought his life was over, how Buck was there when Eddie couldn’t sleep because of the scorching heat in Afghanistan and Buck had brought him a snow storm to calm him down when he never thought he would know that kind of peace again. He hopes Buck remembers how Eddie had cried his heart out singing _Think of Me_ to Christopher like he was afraid he’d never hold his baby boy again, and again when Buck kept him fighting when the convoy went down and never seeing his family again almost became a reality.

He hoped Buck _remembered_ everything they’d been through. Because Eddie could never forget.

“Do you think I could still have yours?” Eddie asks, and it’s so small, like handing over everything he has. 

He holds his hand out for Buck, and waits for his decision, no matter what it may be.

Eddie could see the thoughts whirling in Buck’s head, and god, it’s nice to see his face. It’s just so _good_ to talk to Buck, to see the way he looks at Eddie when Buck’s breath-taking smile makes the blue of his eyes and the pink of his birthmark shine.

He takes Eddie’s hand.

“Yeah, you could have mine.”

The ambulance explodes behind them.

* * *

They don’t get much of a chance to talk, no matter how much Eddie wants to. Eddie has to finish setting up Christopher at his new school and Buck is busy trying to get Maddie settled in Los Angeles, getting her a job at the call center and trying to help her find her own place.

A 7.1 earthquake hits Los Angeles and Eddie has to stow all his fear over Christopher and the fact that he can’t get a hold of him to check if he’s safe. They’re on their way to a collapsed sky rise and Eddie can do nothing but keep trying, calling and texting and getting no responses. 

Buck nudges their thighs together in the ladder truck.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Buck says because he just knows. He always just knows what’s worrying Eddie and always has the right thing to say. Eddie doesn’t know how he does it, how he’s able to read Eddie even when they weren’t speaking through their minds. 

Maybe it was just the years and years of growing attuned to each other just taught them things about the other they couldn’t have learned otherwise.

“Who’s gonna be okay?” Chim asks, leaning over the console towards Eddie. “Who are you tryna get a hold of?”

Eddie’s eyes meet Buck’s, like he was waiting for Buck to sign off on whether he could trust the rest of the team with the knowledge of Christopher’s existence, and gets it shortly after.

“My son,” Eddie says eventually. It surprises the rest of the team, except for Buck and Bobby. 

Buck gives him a look when Chim mentions Hen staying out because of her kid. Eddie shakes his head. He agrees with Hen. If it was Christopher up there in this crumbling building, he would need the first responders to go in after him. 

They scale the building together, and the whole time Buck keeps saying the same things over and over again. “He’s in school: the safest place he can be,”; “Once the reception comes back, we’ll get a hold of him,”; “He’s a Diaz, he’s a survivor”.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Eddie asks, in the sideways hallway of the sky rise. 

“Doing what?” Buck asks.

“You keep talking, trying to reassure me,” Eddie points out. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, because I do,” Eddie is quick to point out. “I just—why are you—when we’re in the same room—”

Buck’s helmet and gear cover a decent amount of his face, but Eddie doesn’t need to look at his face to know Buck’s embarrassed, and a bit bashful.

“I guess I forget sometimes that we’re here. Together. You know, like physically,” Buck says. “I’m so used to only talking to you in my head...so I’m just in the habit of talking like this when you’re in tough situations. I guess I don’t need to now that you’re actually here.”

“No,” Eddie stops, turning to look back at Buck. “I like it. It helps. Always has.”

Buck’s unabashed smile is enough to light their way in the dark as they keep moving forward, finally making it to the room with the man trapped against the window. There’s a woman in there with him too, and Buck takes her while Eddie tries to save the man.

The glass cracks, and the man falls and hits the ground with a sickening crunch. They hold tight for the aftershock, even as the woman, Ali, slips from Buck’s hold and Eddie has to lunge out of the window to catch her by the hand. It’s only knowing that Buck is holding Eddie steady on the harness behind him that gives him enough courage to pull himself and Ali back from the edge before either of them could fall to their death.

In the end they all make it out alive, even Hen who, for a moment, had scared them into thinking she had been done for. But their team was strong.

The second the reception is back, Buck jumps on him in an instant, straining to hear Eddie’s conversation with the school that yes, Christopher was okay, and yes, they could have a teacher wait with him until Eddie could get to him.

Back at the station, Buck wasted no time rounding Eddie up and into his car to give Eddie a ride to pick up Christopher.

“You didn’t have to do this, you know,” Eddie tells him as they make their way over. “I could’ve driven myself.”

“You’re exhausted,” Buck points out like he hadn’t had the exact same grueling day as Eddie. “You and Christopher should just go home and sleep. I can pick you guys up and drop you both off tomorrow morning.”

Eddie stares at him, unable to keep himself from looking now that they were alone. 

“You’re always doing that,” Eddie observes. “Saving me.”

Buck’s cheeks flush and it’s Eddie’s new favorite look on him. 

“Is that okay?” Buck asks. “I’m not trying to make you feel like you can’t do it yourself—”

“I know you’re not.” Eddie eyes Buck’s hand that’s sat on the console between them. He wants to reach out and hold it, but he can’t. Even if Buck was his best friend, that was all they were, and Eddie couldn’t cross the line anymore. “And it doesn’t feel that way to me. I like it.”

It’s true. Eddie’s never felt like the things Buck did for him, for so long just _being_ there for him when he needed somebody to talk to, was something he did because he felt like Eddie _couldn’t_ do things on his own or needed someone else to do it for him. It was just Buck, giving, as was his natural state of being. 

“Okay,” Buck says, but it's with a barely contained smile. “I’ll do it more often then.”

Eddie snorts. “That’s not what I meant.”

Once they get to Christopher’s school, Eddie launches himself out of the car. It’s only once he’s wrapped up in his son’s arms that he’s able to finally relax.

**_You’re so lucky._**

Eddie, with his hands still wrapped around his son, can see the inside of the building and at the same time, he sees the outside of the building. He sees himself through glass doors, hugging a grinning Christopher to his chest.

It’s like he got himself trapped in a funhouse mirror room. He sees what’s in front of him, but he’s also looking in on himself from the outside.

He’s seeing himself and Christopher through Buck’s eyes and…

It’s heartbreaking. The longing Eddie feels in waves, how much Buck wants to be a part of it. The pure _marvel_ as Buck gazes out at Eddie and Christopher’s embrace.

It takes Eddie’s breath away. That this is how Buck sees him.

Slowly, Eddie turns around and looks back out at Buck, who’s just sitting in the car, watching them with a soft smile on his face.

The double vision fades as he and Buck make eye contact. That’s something to file away for later. They _can_ still see and speak to each other in their heads, but only when they were physically apart.

“Come on, buddy, there’s someone I want you to finally meet.”

Eddie walks with Christopher out to the car and Buck comes out to greet them.

“Christopher,” Eddie says with a smile. “This is Buck.”

And then, something Eddie doesn’t expect at all happens.

Christopher gasps with delight. “Buck!” The little boy stares in awe at the taller man. He turns back to Eddie and says, “You mean your imaginary friend is real?! AWESOME!”

Both of their jaws hit the floor as their heads snap up from Christopher to each other.

_Imaginary friend?_

“You…” Buck blinks in confusion. “You know about me?”

Eddie shakes his head at Buck, swearing that he never told anyone, _not a single soul,_ about his connection with Buck.

“I heard Daddy talking to you all the time,” Christopher nearly bounces with excitement. “But he never used a phone or a video like when me and mommy used to call daddy. I thought you were imaginary, just like my friend Oli. But you’re real!”

Eddie couldn’t seem to pick up his jaw. He should’ve known his kid was the most perceptive being on the planet. Of _course_ he’d pick up on it when Eddie went off on long tangents talking to himself about unconnected topics. Christopher couldn’t hear Buck, but somehow he’d known that there had been _somebody_ Eddie was talking to. 

Christopher had never said anything to him, never made it known that he overheard Eddie talking to Buck from time to time. And his son never looked at him strangely, just accepted Eddie for who he was—freaky telepathy and all.

God, he loved his son more than anything in the entire universe.

“Guess I wasn’t subtle,” Eddie eventually says with a chuckle.

The worry bleeds from Buck’s face and is replaced with a look at both Eddie and Christopher like he was witnessing a miracle. 

Buck kneels down so he’s at eye level with Christopher.

“Hi, I’m Buck. Your dad’s not-so-imaginary friend,” Buck says with a laugh that mixes with Christopher’s delighted giggles. “I feel like I’ve known you since you were a baby.”

He has, Eddie realizes. If Eddie looks at Buck closely, it almost looks like Buck has tears in his eyes. 

“It’s the greatest honor of my life to meet you, Christopher.”

And then Christopher throws his arms over Buck’s shoulders and Buck lets out a startled grunt, looking up at Eddie with surprise and astonishment before wrapping his arms around the little boy’s back.

Buck blinks and tries to wipe his face inconspicuously, but Eddie sees it, and it keeps him frozen in place, unable to completely process what was happening in front of him. 

“Thank you for being daddy’s best friend,” Christopher says. And then in a whisper that’s not quiet at all, he says to Buck, “I think he was lonely.”

Buck hiccups a laugh, but lets Christopher go even though his hand comes up and cups Christopher’s face like he was looking at his own child and not someone else's. 

Then Buck’s eyes glance up to meet his. “Nah, I think you hold that title, buddy.”

“We can both be his best friends!” Christopher suggests, turning around to reach out for Eddie’s hand and Buck’s. “And you could be mine too!”

Buck gazes at Christopher like he was something otherworldly, and when he looks back up into Eddie’s eyes, it feels the exact same way.

He never expected this, coming here. That Christopher and Buck would fall so in sync with each other from their very first meeting. 

But his son is Eddie’s moon and stars, the person who gave him the courage to become a better person, and Buck has always been his earth, his person who keeps him grounded and makes him feel safe.

It feels like his worlds have finally aligned.


	10. I wear your heart upon my sleeve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one big boy of a chapter
> 
> TW's in end notes

27 Years Old: Buck 

When the girl at the rodeo bar asks for Buck’s number he almost doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore but he lies and says he does anyway. They’re on call, trying to get this poor drunk girl’s head out of an overgrown tailpipe and all her friends seem to care about is hitting on him.

And Eddie.

“I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for. I have a son.”

Buck’s eyes snap to Eddie immediately. 

Buck knows about Shannon, knows that Eddie was still reeling and hurt from her abandonment, but did this mean Eddie hadn’t dated...hadn’t been with _anyone_ since she left?

His mind drifts back to their moment in the ladder truck, when they’d watched each other get off. Was that the only sexual encounter Eddie had had since Shannon? 

Why did the thought fill him with such hope?

It made his heart beat a bit harder and his head swam a bit with the afternoon sun. Buck forces himself to stop focusing on how good Eddie looks in his turn-out gear and suspenders and how it would feel to have him back in the ladder truck again, this time where Buck could see Eddie’s face clear and thoroughly. He shakes his head and instead focuses on helping the poor girl get her head out of the tailpipe.

When that’s finished, they make their way back to the truck. Buck catches up with Eddie, making for casual by slipping his suspenders off. He brushes his arm against Eddie and when the older man doesn’t pull away, he continues doing it as they walk. It’s nice to feel Eddie’s skin, to be reminded he’s a real physical being and Buck can just...touch him, even just minutely.

“Is Christopher really the reason you don’t date?” Buck asks, brushing against Eddie’s arm one more time, this time with a bit more of a playful knock.

Eddie purses his lips, but he knocks his own arm back into Buck’s.

“That, and…” he shrugs, looking towards Buck, “They weren’t my type.”

What was Eddie’s type? Buck wanted to know more than anything in that moment. He knew that Eddie tended to go for petite women (at least from what he remembered of Shannon and Lydia), pretty in the face. Brunette hair. 

Buck found he didn’t really have a type. He didn’t particularly care what a person looked like, if he liked their aesthetic and they got along, then he was down.

Eddie was his type. 

When they’d been together it was better than any other encounter Buck had had out on the road, moving from state to state, crossing the border up north and down south a couple of times. He hadn’t known what Eddie looked like then, but he knew that whatever his physical body looked like it didn’t matter. Buck would want Eddie even if he was the single most unappealing looking dude on the planet.

But it helped that he was the opposite.

When Eddie said they weren’t his type...did he mean...was it possible that Eddie also liked guys?

The only guy Buck could remember Eddie being with was...well, him. But to be fair, he hadn’t exactly made it a habit of popping in unannounced whenever Eddie was having sex. Even still, he knew it was only with Shannon.

But if these _girls_ weren’t Eddie’s type...maybe his type was...men?

Buck could only dream.

“Me neither,” Buck says. Then quickly clarifies, “Not anymore.”

Buck was done with the random hookups. Nothing good ever came from them. Hell, nothing good ever came from the short lived relationships Buck had had either, but at least when he thought back on the relationships they didn’t make him feel as empty as the hookups did.

Eddie laughs and knocks into Buck’s elbow again, like maybe he was enjoying the freedom of being able to touch Buck too.

“But uh…” Buck continues. “I’m talking in general. I’ve only ever seen you with Lydia and Shannon.”

Eddie’s light dims visibly for a moment and Buck regrets bringing Shannon up. It was a touchy subject, and he knew that. But he was just so curious and knew he’d gone and fucked it up, right when Eddie was back to being open with him.

“You remembered Lydia?” Eddie says instead of focusing on the Shannon comment. “Man, it’s been years.”

“Yeah, I remember she called you boring,” Buck quips, taking the out and gliding past any mention of Shannon. 

Eddie laughs, and Buck wishes that he would keep that look on his face always.

Eddie faces him. “I like to think I’ve become more fun. A bit less serious.”

Buck snorts. “Prove it.”

Eddie’s steps falter for a moment, like he’s thinking about it. “We’re at work.”

Buck throws his head back and laughs. “That’s a weak excuse.”

“You’re the one using your invisible girlfriend to get out of a come on and you’re telling me about weak excuses?” Eddie says, pausing and pointing at Buck.

“Hey now! That’s a low blow, Diaz.”

Eddie makes an exaggerated eyebrow raise and opens his mouth in a parody of a wide smile. “Then maybe watch yourself, _Evan."_

Buck’s mouth opens comically wide with amusement.

Eddie’s phone rings at that moment and he turns away to pick it up, taking a few steps away from Buck.

Buck tries to busy himself, taking his gloves off, but then he overhears bits of Eddie’s conversation, sees how tense his shoulders suddenly go and Buck knows then that something bad has just happened.

It’s Eddie’s abuela, as Buck soon learns. She’s in the hospital.

“She’s supposed to be watching Chris,” Eddie grunts as paces. “I—I need to get to them but—”

But they’re stuck on location. They’re supposed to be climbing back into the truck at any moment now to head back to the station, but right now that’s not where they’re needed.

Bobby walks by just then, calling out the orders to file back. 

Eddie looks at the man like a deer in the headlights.

“Cap, Eddie’s grandma got hurt and we need to get to the hospital,” Buck says. 

Bobby looks back between him and Eddie, who’s looking at Buck like he couldn’t believe Buck just up and went to Bobby so easily.

Bobby takes one look at Eddie’s face and nods. “Take an uber. Meet us back at the station if you can.”

Buck nods, thanking Bobby before pulling Eddie off to the side of the bar to wait for their uber.

“B-But—” Eddie stammers. “We’re at work—we can’t just leave.”

“Eddie. It’s your abuela. And Christopher,” he adds.

Eddie nods his head, like he’s realizing he has to do this. “Right. Okay, right, I’ll just go check on them and then—” he groans. “Then I’ll think of something.”

He eyes Buck then. “You don’t have to come with me.”

Buck turns and points at the ladder truck that’s pulling away over his shoulder. “Bobby already said it’s fine. Besides, it’s too late now.”

Eddie sighs and shakes his head. “I just—I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep chauffeuring me around. I know I’m new in town but I’m not that much of a tourist, right?”

Oh. Buck’s heart sinks. Eddie doesn’t want him tagging along on everything.

“Sorry,” Buck ducks his head. “I uh—I guess since we’re out of each other’s heads now you want to do things on your own—”

“No.” 

“No?” Buck repeats.

“It’s not that,” Eddie clarifies. “I’m used to you being in my head. I _like_ having you in my head.”

Buck’s head jerks up. “Y-You do?”

“It feels weird not hearing you,” Eddie admits, scratching the back of his head. “Not just popping in and seeing how your day is. But I guess that’s because we’re doing the same thing now.”

It warms Buck up from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes. They don’t have to sneak glimpses at each other’s lives to catch up on what they’re doing now. They can just...call each other, or walk in to work, or hang out at the bar or at their houses or at the station. 

They’re in each other’s lives now. For real.

The uber pulls up then and they make their way quickly to the airport. 

As soon as they’re on the right floor Eddie is pushing out of the elevator. They come upon his aunt and Buck recognizes her vaguely. He hasn’t really seen her in Eddie’s mind since he was younger.

“Tía. ¿Qué pasó? Is Christopher okay?”

Pepa sighs. “Yes. You mean Prince Charming, hmm? He's peachy.”

Buck and Eddie both turn around to see Christopher talking in the corner with a pair of nurses, who giggle at how cute he is.

Because that kid is just too fucking _adorable._

Like father, like son, Buck thinks with a quick smile.

“It's your abuela. She broke her hip.” Pepa says to Eddie, “She was out back on the steps and calling him to come inside. She lost her balance. Christopher called 911.”

Eddie licks his lips, staring at the ground impatiently. “I want to see her.”

“No, she's sleeping now.” And then, like she was just noticing the man she didn’t know standing there, watching and listening to their conversation, she looks at Buck with a scrutinizing eye. “And, uh, who is this?”

Oh yeah, Pepa didn’t know of Buck’s existence. And because Buck wasn’t just witnessing from a spectator’s eye, he was supposed to introduce himself.

“Uh, this is Buck.” Eddie gestures towards him, like he was trying to figure a way to explain his presence to his aunt. “We work together.”

Pepa isn’t shy in her slow gaze up and down Buck’s body. She glances back at Eddie, the gears in her head turning. “Mm. I thought you just dressed alike.”

Eddie quickly introduces his aunt before she goes back to discussing the matter at hand.

“You can't keep doing this, Eddie. You cannot keep leaving him with her. She's not up to it.”

“I know. I know, and I'm sorry. I... I'm trying to find some permanent help, it's just…” Eddie’s face morphs into something impossibly tired, like he was unearthing a whole layer of frustration he hadn’t seen before. “Too many forms to fill out. It's worse than the V.A.”

“I can't believe your gringa ex stuck you with all of this.”

Eddie’s face hardens. “I'm not stuck, Tía.”

“Do you have to go back to work?” Buck watches as Eddie glances over at him once, chewing the bottom of his lip. “Ah. And you're not stuck. I'll keep him tonight, but you need to get this figured out.”

Stuck.

What was it Bobby had told him? _What she needs is for you to step inside with her._

“Daddy! Buck!” Christopher calls out and waves.

Eddie rushes to his side instantly, the face of a man excited to see his child and not at all hiding how hard of a time he was having.

But Christopher wasn’t a trap, could never be a trap, and although the forms and the red-tape were a frustrating web to untangle, Buck knew without a doubt that Eddie had never felt it a burden to get Christopher what he needed.

“Must be rough,” Buck murmurs, mostly to himself, but Pepa catches his eyes.

“Raising any child alone is rough,” she says, looking Buck over once again before looking out at Eddie and Christopher who were smiling and hugging like it was the best day of their lives every day they got to see each other.

“My nephew is a saint. But I pray for him anyway.”

He didn’t know about saint. If anything, Eddie would probably despise being called that for doing something as simple as loving and providing for his own child. 

Buck watches them, a smile on his face. 

He hadn’t been able to step in with Abby. She hadn’t really wanted him to. The whole time they were together she kept wanting to shield Buck away from her mother, and anything that had to do with her taking care of the woman. It wasn’t that Abby was ashamed it was more like...she didn’t want to drag anyone else down with her.

Buck tried to join her. He _wanted_ to be with her in every way, including being familiar with the not so sexy elements of taking care of one’s dying mother.

That reminds him. Buck takes out his phone and sends a text to a friend he hadn’t spoken to in a bit.

In the meantime, Pepa has to go back to work and so do Buck and Eddie, so Christopher tags along.

“You’re gonna have _so_ much fun, buddy!” Buck says as they pull out of the uber to the station. “We’re gonna show you all the trucks and the fireman’s pole and we’re gonna take you out to see our calls and—”

Eddie taps his shoulder. “Buck. Maybe ix-nay on the omises-pray?”

Christopher giggles brightly. “I know pig latin daddy!”

Eddie turns back to Chris with a smile. “And who taught you huh? Certainly not me!”

Upstairs the rest of the team officially meets Christopher, and the little boy is absolutely loving the undivided attention though after a minute he asks Eddie, “Can I have a snack?” 

Eddie leaves Christopher with Hen and Chim to go fix him a snack, and Buck takes the opportunity to see if he could try and catch Bobby before another call comes through.

He finds Bobby in his office—not the man’s usual hang out, but apparently he had some paperwork to do before wrapping up the day.

“Bobby, hey,” Buck says as he swings around the door to Cap’s office. “You have a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Bobby says, looking up.

Buck takes a look over his shoulder, noting that Eddie was busy entertaining Christopher while he ate.

“I just wanted to talk to you real quick and give you a heads up,” Buck starts. “We didn’t have anywhere to take Christopher so last minute so I told Eddie to just bring him here. I know I didn’t ask you first but—”

“Buck, it’s fine,” Bobby stops him with a hand up in the hair. “You did good bringing him here.”

“Yeah?” 

“Of course. Christopher is just as much family as Eddie.”

Buck beams bright, quickly darting forward and hugging Bobby before yelling out a quick “thanks!” and heading back to the lounge.

About 5 minutes after he settles on the couch, Bobby comes out of his office, greeting Christopher with enthusiasm and Eddie immediately stands on attention. Ever the soldier.

“Bobby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to take him—”

“Yeah, you did,” Bobby smiles. “Right here. Buck gave me a heads and I cleared it with the chief—”

Eddie’s eyes find Buck’s and the smallest of smile’s has time to melt across Eddie’s face before the bell rings. 

That smile keeps Buck fueled the whole day. He thinks back on it, the way Eddie’s face had brightened, and how it stayed light and easy the whole rest of the day. 

Having Christopher around with them is easy, it’s _fun,_ even when they make fun of Buck for laughs. It’s all worth it to hear Christopher’s adorable little giggles through the headpieces in the truck on the way to their calls. 

Buck watches them silently through the rear-view mirror, at Christopher wearing Eddie’s too-large turn out coat with Diaz scrawled on the back, at his beaming smile as Eddie has his hand draped over the back of his chair. Christopher’s little hand rests on Eddie’s thigh, and it makes a little bird in Buck’s heart sing to see just how close Eddie and Christopher are. Like neither wish to be apart for more than a second and when they’re together, their soft affection for each other shines brighter than any sunbeam. 

Buck watches Christopher watch Eddie, the admiration in his eyes that only a son could have for his father, and the pride that only Christopher could have for Eddie. 

On site, Buck has to focus on the calls, but his eyes never stray too far from Chris. Or from Eddie either. Come to think of it, anytime Buck is looking at Eddie, he finds the older man looking back at Chris standing with any member of their team. 

He’s so calm around everything, happy to just be along for the ride and if firefighting wasn’t such a dangerous job on occasion, Buck would almost wish Christopher could tag along with them all the time.

He just made everything better. He could hear Christopher marveling at Eddie using the jaws of life, heard him clap with delight when Buck managed to pry the door open and he told Hen she did a good job when the injured woman was sent off safely in the ambulance.

Christopher is just...he’s the sweetest boy Buck has ever met in his entire life. He wants to take advantage of the time he has with Christopher here, wants to play games with him and hang out, but Bobby has other jobs for Buck—and Eddie—to do, so Bobby and Chim and Hen take turns keeping an eye on him. 

When Christopher asks to slide down the pole, it’s Eddie and Buck who catch him. He squeals with delight and Buck realizes he would do anything to keep Christopher laughing like that, smiling with abandon.

And Eddie with his heart clear as day on his face.

Buck has always known how deeply Eddie loved his son. He could say with certainty he was one of the few lucky ones who got to feel for himself how strong that love was. He knew how Eddie’s heart beat in his chest whenever Christopher looked up at him, with his chubby cheeks. The sparkle in Christopher’s eyes where he could almost see Eddie’s face reflected back.

But it was nothing compared to getting to see Eddie and Christopher together with his own two eyes. 

When Pepa gets there to pick Christopher up, Buck tries not to let his disappointment show on his face. 

It’s the way Eddie walks with him hand in hand, the way Christopher shouts out his thank you to “Cap” like he was just another member of their team (and he was). It’s mesmerizing, and Buck couldn’t understand just how lucky he was to be able to witness it.

When Christopher’s left, Eddie turns around and hugs Bobby, thanking him for allowing their amazing day to happen. Buck smiles at the sight. He knew he was right, bringing Bobby in on this.

At home later that night, he couldn’t stop talking to Maddie about the day they had. He explains to her how tough Eddie’s had it trying to get Christopher into any state programs that are designed to help parents with kids with CP. 

“He loves that kid like crazy,” Buck laughs and smiles to himself. “He’s a really great dad.”

Maddie sits down next to him on the couch with dinner and a wine glass in her hand.

“I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like this,” Maddie comments. “You’ve only known him like what? A couple of weeks?”

Buck shakes his head. He’s known Eddie his whole life, and he’s thankful for that. _Lucky._

“Feels like longer,” Buck mutters mostly to himself. 

Maddie narrows her eyes like she was trying to recall something.

“Hey, didn’t you have a friend named Eddie back in Pennsylvania?”

Huh? “Uh...no?”

“Oh…” Maddie trails off. “I could’ve sworn I heard you mention an Eddie like...multiple times. Like when you were like 7 or 8?”

_What?_ That was before Buck even officially started talking to Eddie. He hadn’t even known his name until he was twelve.

“Oh!” Maddie says, her face lighting up with a memory. “I remember now! You used to talk to yourself a lot when you were a kid, but you always called yourself ‘Eddie’ for some reason. I think mom and dad thought you were mispronouncing your own name or something.”

Buck’s mouth hung open. He spoke to Eddie...before the baseball bat incident?

“Anyway, I have some news!” she says, moving on from the absolute _bombshell_ she had no idea she had just dropped on Buck. “I finally found a place!”

Buck schools his face, congratulating her and promising he’ll gather some of the guys from the team to help her move. And he means it, he is happy for her. He was glad she was finally feeling well enough to settle down and find her own place. He was more than happy to keep sharing his with her, but he knew Maddie. She needed her independence, and this was the first step to moving on for her. 

Later that evening after he’s settled in for the night, he gets a text from Carla.

**_Carla:_ ** _Buckaroo! Of course I’ll meet with your friend. Just let me know the date and time and I’m there, sweet cheeks!_

Buck hums to himself. He had to find a way to get Eddie and Carla together without letting him know who he was meeting. 

The next day at work, he’s talking with Chimney about helping Maddie move into her own place when he gets the idea. 

He asks Eddie the same thing, and if he tells Eddie to come over a day earlier than was needed, no harm no foul right?

He asks Carla if she was busy the same day and sends her his address. She tells him that she’ll be there. 

When Eddie shows up at Buck’s apartment, he looks around for boxes or furniture. “Did your sister not pack?”

Buck shakes his head. “Nah. She doesn’t have much other than a couple of suitcases. She needs to get all new furniture delivered to her new place.”

Eddie narrows his eyes. “I thought you said we were helping your sister move? What’s going on?”

“I asked you here because there’s someone I want you to meet.”

Eddie’s face falls.

“You set me up? I thought I told you I didn’t want to date—”

Buck throws his head back and laughs. “Just trust me, man! I know you.”

“Yeah, you were the one egging me on with every girl I ever saw—”

“Hey! I’m the only reason you landed your _wife—”_

“That’s not true! I could’ve done it without you!” Eddie throws back. 

“Okay maybe, but that’s not what I’m doing this time,” Buck argues. “I’m telling you, this woman is exactly what you need.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but stands rigidly still when a knock comes at the door.

Buck laughs to himself. It was _hilarious_ how Eddie really thought Buck was trying to set him up on a date.

Reuniting with Carla is fantastic. She’s as funny and sharp as ever and she’s quick to say how much she likes Buck’s new place.

Eddie shuffles forward slightly, and Buck brings him forward with a hand lightly to Eddie’s wrist.

“This is Carla,” Buck introduces. “LA’s finest home health care aid.” He goes on about Carla’s experience and how she can help Eddie navigate the bureaucracies and the paperwork. “I thought she could help you figure out how to get Christopher what he needs.”

The relief on Eddie’s face nearly makes Buck bust up laughing if he wasn’t so mesmerized by the expression that replaced it.

Eddie’s eyes were radiating light, the softest look Buck had ever been on the receiving end of getting from Eddie. It...it looked exactly like how Eddie felt those moments that they’d steal together in their heads. It felt like fireflies on his nose and snowflakes on his cheeks and tongue. Buck soaks it in like a towel thrown into the ocean, saturated and overcome with a feeling so heavy—and yet so light at the same time—that he nearly drowns in it.

Buck’s only ever seen that look given to Christopher before. And that—that was _Christopher,_ the little boy oozed love and joy out of every pore. Christopher never deserved to be looked at with anything but pure unconditional love. But Buck? He didn’t know what on earth he did to deserve Eddie looking at him like this, but he knew he would do it all again, over and over and over, just to see this man smile.

Carla pulls the two of them over to Buck’s couch to talk, and Buck hangs back in his kitchen, pulling out a beer from the fridge. Buck glances over at Eddie every couple of minutes while he and Carla discuss Christopher and paperwork and programs. He leans over the island, elbows on the countertop and chin in his hands. 

He stops trying to hide the fact that he’s staring. Actually, he’s listening to everything Carla has to say intently. He wants to know what needs to be done for Christopher. The whole point of having Carla come over was for her to help Eddie get the tools he needed, but Buck was also storing away any information he could just in case there was anything he personally could do for them. 

He couldn’t help it. The urge to just give and give every single bit of himself to Eddie, to Christopher. All he wanted to do was ease the weight off of Eddie’s shoulders. He’d been feeling it his whole life, he knew intimately the struggles Eddie faced. He’d seen it, most of it, and he knew that Eddie had a hard time admitting when he needed help. Because more times than not, help—to Eddie—was giving the wrong people excuses to think him a failure. Buck knew that Eddie was anything but. Eddie was the most capable person he knew.

Buck wanted to share that weight with Eddie. That giant boulder that rested on his shoulders, Buck wanted to slide underneath and use what strength he had to carry it with him. Christopher wasn’t a burden on Eddie, Christopher could never be a burden period, but the rest of the world did nothing but try to push Eddie to the ground. Buck wasn’t going to let that happen. He absolutely refused. 

If the walls were closing in on Eddie, even if there was nothing Buck could do to keep him from being crushed, he would sooner get crushed with him than let him do it alone.

It was a couple of hours later that Carla was ready to leave. The two of them had gotten a lot discussed, and had plans in place to put into action as soon as tomorrow.

Buck hugged her and kissed her cheek, thanking her soundly for what she did.

She patted his face. “I know why you’re doing this,” she said low enough for only him to hear. “And I just want to let you know that although Abby couldn’t share this part of her life with you, that doesn’t mean that no one will.” She glances behind her at Eddie.

“And you,” she calls, reaching out to hug Eddie. “I’m so happy we got to talk tonight. I absolutely can’t wait to meet Christopher. Between what you and Buck have said, I just know he’s gonna be the sweetest little sugar plum in the candy shop.”

As soon as Buck closes the door behind her, he finds himself with an armful of Eddie.

The man squeezes him tight, hands clutching at Buck’s shoulder blades and face buried in his neck. He’s frozen in shock for a moment, not sure what to do with his arms, but then he realizes that this is Eddie. Eddie is hugging him, _holding_ him, and Buck just...he sags into it. He wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist, letting his own head fall onto Eddie’s shoulder and he breathes in Eddie’s scent, like pinecones and sweet wisteria.

It’s years in the making, this hug. He’s longed to hold Eddie in his arms like this since...since forever. And to think he thought he only knew Eddie when he was _twelve._ He still couldn’t wrap his mind around it, what Maddie said the other night. That he had apparently been talking to Eddie since even before the first time he was truly conscious of him. That he had Eddie with him as young as seven, maybe even younger. Had he known Eddie since he was born? Had he felt their souls merge from the second he joined the living?

For so long, Buck had felt impossibly alone. The only thing that ever remotely made him feel better was Eddie, but he had long since given up the hope that they would ever meet in person. That he would ever get to _feel_ Eddie in his arms like this. 

He never wanted to let go. Eddie’s arms squeezed him tighter.

Minutes passed, or millennia, Buck wasn’t really paying attention to the passage of time. He could go on like this forever, safe and loved in Eddie’s arms.

Loved. That was it. Buck felt loved and it was almost too much to bear.

Eventually—too soon—Eddie pulls back.

Eddie gives a little wet laugh and wipes a thumb against Buck’s cheek. “Hey, why are _you_ crying? I should be the one crying. You’re the one who dropped a literal miracle into my lap.”

Buck laughs too, and he realizes that Eddie hasn’t pulled back completely from him, they’re still close, arms and hands still holding each other.

“Um,” Buck hiccups a laugh. “Sorry, it’s just.” He glances away, wiping his eyes again. “Sorry.”

“What?” Eddie asks gently, his thumb finding its way to Buck’s pulse.

“I, uh,” Buck clears his throat. “I just—I never thought I would ever get to hug you in my life. Never thought I would ever even see your face.”

Eddie stares at him, looking up so openly that Buck felt like he could almost read his mind just from his face. Almost. 

“It’s a nice face,” Buck jokes, hoping to ease the tension. 

Eddie’s eyes glance down and Buck is transported for the millionth time back to that day in the ladder truck, how it felt to have Eddie’s hands on him, all over him. The way Eddie’s moans echoed in his ears for days after that, the ghost of what should’ve been Eddie’s body around him. Buck knows without a doubt that it would feel like liquid fire to have Eddie’s lips on him again. Real, for the first time.

Eddie’s phone rings. 

He takes a step back, like a bucket of ice had been thrown over him and gives Buck a quick “sorry” with a guilty face before answering the phone.

“Yes, sorry, I’m on my way.” Eddie says into the phone, “Yes, I know I’m late but I’ll be there soon. Okay, thank you.” He glances over at Buck. “Love you. Bye.”

He puts the phone back in his pocket. “That was Abuela. I gotta go pick up Chris.”

“Right,” Buck clears his throat. “Yeah. Can’t keep the little guy waiting.”

Eddie looks like he wants to hug him again, and Buck wants that too. More than Eddie will ever know. But they both know that if they touch again, they might not pull apart. So Buck lets Eddie go. He grabs his stuff and heads out the door. Before he closes it, he turns back around.

“Buck?”

He looks up at Eddie. “Hmm?”

“For what it’s worth...I like to think we would’ve met in person one day. Even if it hadn’t been now.”

“Really?”

Eddies nods with a small smile. “Yeah. You’re my best friend.”

And that nearly triggers a whole new wave of tears in him. He’s never been anyone’s best friend before. And to be Eddie Diaz’s best friend? To hear it out of Eddie’s own mouth? Buck felt like he’d won a lifetime supply of white sneakers.

Buck laughs it off and tells Eddie to get out of there, he was already late enough. 

“Oh and…” Eddie taps the door, avoiding Buck’s eyes but giving him a flushed nervous smile. “You have a nice face too.”

He closes the door, not a second later, leaving Buck standing there, mouth open and eyebrows raised. 

Eddie Diaz— _his_ Eddie Diaz—said Buck had a nice face and then _blushed?!_ Was he in a dream or something?

Buck already knew that those words and that _face_ were gonna be on loop in his head for the rest of his life.

*

31 Years Old: Eddie 

_You have a nice face too? YOU HAVE A NICE FACE TOO?!_ God, could he _get_ any more cheesy and embarrassing? 

He couldn’t believe he had actually said those exact words to Buck’s face. To Buck’s nice— _very_ nice—face. Okay, yeah, Buck had said it to him first, but that didn’t mean he had to go and say it back. That made it weird!

But Buck had been crying, and even when he was crying he was pretty, and he was telling him that he never thought he would be able to hug Eddie for real or even see his face and Eddie was one step away from totally losing it all.

He blames a momentary lapse in sanity. 

Everything was fine after that. They were fine. They were able to go back to work and be together side by side without it being weird. 

Things were absolutely great...and then that _reporter_ showed up at the station.

She looked like Abby. That had to be why Buck latched onto her so suddenly. She had the same light auburn hair and she was young and ambitious, closer to the Buck’s age. And pretty. She was exactly Buck’s type. _Buck 1.0’s_ type if Buck himself had anything to say about it. But it didn’t matter because Eddie had to watch the two of them flirt on-call and he had hoped that that would be the last of it.

But nope.

Somehow she thought them doing their _jobs_ meant she could invite herself inside the firehouse to film them like they were characters in a movie or something. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like her being around asking them questions. 

He didn’t like her inappropriate “Did you miss me?”

And maybe he shouldn’t have dropped his weights and stalked across the room to them with his hands on his hips, inviting himself into a conversation that he had not been a part of.

Taylor Kelly studies him with something suspicious in her eyes. She glances between him and Buck and raises her eyebrow so quick, a fraction of a second, that anybody who wasn’t looking closely wouldn’t see.

When it’s clear she doesn’t give a shit about Eddie standing there, and turns instead to talk with Chim, Hen and Bobby, Eddie is forced to wander off again awkwardly. He makes his way back to the gym and does some pull ups, tracking Taylor Kelly—and Buck—the whole time.

She follows them damn near _everywhere._ To the kitchens, in their locker room, in the ambulance, in the gym. He’s surprised she hasn’t straight up followed them into the bathroom yet. _“Are you saving lives while you pee, Firefighter Buckley?”_ Give him a god damn _break._ It’s annoying and he tries not to let it show on his face, but when she wants to interview him he ends up really testing his limits of just how much bullshit he could take.

He answers her questions about why he wanted to be a firefighter—he doesn’t mention Buck at all—just that he missed the camaraderie and that he loved working with his team.

“And Firefighter Buckley is your partner, right?” she asks, trying to gauge his face for even a slight twitch of vulnerability. Eddie doesn’t give her the satisfaction. “What’s it like working with him? After all, it was your duo who got me out of the helicopter.”

Her question stumps him. He shrugs it off, tries to be as nonchalant as possible. “We’re partners. We’ve worked together during the worst of times, like the earthquake, and there was no going back after that.”

“I see,” she says with an impish grin. “Buck said you’re best friends. Do you ever feel like working with your best friend means it opens you up to more vulnerability on calls? After all, it is a dangerous and sometimes life-threatening job.”

Buck told her they were best friends? Eddie stares at her, and then down at the ground, brow furrowed. 

He—he hadn’t even thought about that. About what might happen if an accident occurred and one of them never made it home. Buck was always just a...constant. Something Eddie never doubted was there, always existing in the back of his head, even if he couldn’t hear him or see him at that moment. He didn’t know if he could handle it if Buck got hurt or-or died and never came back—

He glances up at the cameraman, still rolling, capturing Eddie’s entire thought journey on camera.

He schools his face and looks at Taylor with an empty expression. “It’s like you said. It’s the job. You take what comes at you in stride. No use worrying over things that haven’t happened yet.”

And he sounds much more confident than he actually feels. 

At least that was the last of the questions she had for him. 

She decides she’s gonna follow them on all their calls and it’s just _annoying_ the way she shoves her camera in these people’s faces like they weren’t actually real human beings, with real emotions, who maybe didn’t want some snooty red-head sticking her nose in their business. So when Cap tells her to back off Eddie has absolutely no qualms herding the two of them away. 

“I’m working too.”

“You can work from the back,” Eddie snips. 

The only thing that distracts him is the onslaught of baked goods they’d gotten this week. The fudge was delicious and he had three; fudge was one of his all time favorites, okay? And he’d worked out enough that day to earn a few.

They get called off to another job. In the ladder truck, the wind from the open windows gets to him almost immediately, making his eyes water. He thinks it’s allergies, a fountain of water is pouring from his eyes and he wasn’t even watching a sad movie. His favorite sad movie was the Titanic, and he used to watch it with Shannon, but she didn’t care for it but she liked Leo DiCaprio—Eddie also liked Leo DiCaprio. He had pretty blue eyes.

“He’s not dead, right?” he asks Buck.

“Who?”

“Jack.”

“Who’s Jack?” Chimney asks. 

Eddie turns to him with a scandalized look. “She didn’t remember him for 84 years just for you to slander him, okay?”

They arrive on the scene, and Eddie finds himself plastered to Buck’s side, because the building they're in is _too_ pink. He starts to feel a bit better when they’re fully inside because he finally realizes where he is. Munchkinland! Christopher _loved_ the Wizard of Oz, but Eddie always thought that the little munchkins were creepy looking, but these munchkins were so cute! 

“Look at their little dresses,” he marvels. “They look like dolls.”

“Excuse me, your majesty, but where’s the queen?” Buck asks one of the miniature princesses in front of them. 

Chimney calls for them, but they can’t move. They're trapped in by the herd of wild toy princesses and they can’t make a single movement or they’ll attack. Chuckie freaked him out, and right now one princess has so much paint on her face she looks like the possessed doll and Eddie was _not_ about to go anywhere near that.

He backs up, Buck plastered to his side right near him. That’s the only thing that makes him feel better. Buck’s warm—No. He’s hotter than the sun. He’s so hot and Eddie’s skin feels like he’s scorching, but he can’t take them off. Those were his clothes, he’s not giving them back!

He backs up into floating rainbow rocks and it hurts his head, he feels all swoopy. 

He doesn’t feel good in his body. His arms feel like worms and there’s juice inside the worms and it’s sluggish and slogging through him and it doesn’t feel good. He wants to chop the worms off, he wants his arm-worms gone because it feels gross and he doesn’t like being gross.

He finds himself yanked away and his arms shoved behind his back.

No no no no _nonono_ they’re not taking him back to Afghanistan, he won’t go! He can’t go, he has Christopher to take care of. He only _just_ got back from the Army yesterday, they said he was done! They promised!

Cold metal presses around his wrists cuffed behind his back.

He starts crying because he can’t stop them. He doesn’t want to go, he misses Christoper and he misses Buck. He wants his boys, he wants see his boys—

“Ooh, you made him cry,” Buck says. “Eddie, don’t cry, okay? See the snow, see the snow? I made snow angels for you, see?”

Buck starts to lay down on the ground but the mean cop man forces Buck to stay upright.

“Hey,” Eddie whines at the stupid stupid cop man. “Those were _my_ snow angels.”

“Calm down,” Athena snaps and Eddie realizes for the first time that she was even here. “Your ride’s almost here.”

“You owe me a snow angel,” Eddie murmurs with a dark pout, glaring at the cop.

They’re soon shoved into a metal animal that moves way too fast and makes Eddie’s head swim.

“Where are we going?”

“Home,” Buck says. 

“Oh.” He nods. “Kay.”

By ‘home’ he meant Buck’s apartment, and Eddie’s totally okay with that. 

“Sergeant Grant said that she contacted your home aid to let her know you would be incapacitated for the time being,” the cop—who was not the snow angel murderer—told them.

“Okay,” Eddie says, and he feels like smiling again—who knew that smiling could feel so good?—and he turns to Buck and throws an arm over his shoulder. “He got me Carla, you know? Buck—Buck said here you go! All your problems solved! Buck knows how to read my mind.”

“Eddie, shut up!” Buck shushes him. “Don’t give away our secret!”

“It’s true,” Eddie shouts up to the driver. “He reads my mind because he’s a mind reader. But not thoughts—”

Buck giggles to himself. “Heheh...begone _thot!”_

“—but when I speak he hears me. Isn’t that amazing?” Eddie calls, leaning forward. “We’re the only two people on the planet that can hear when we’re speaking to each other!”

The woman makes eye contact with him, a deadpan eyebrow raised. “Amazing.”

Soon enough they’re dropped off outside of Buck’s apartment and— “You have too many stairs. I can’t walk up the stairs. Where’s the elevator?”

“I don’t have an elevator,” Buck tells him. “Or if I did, I’ve never seen it.”

“My legs are jelly.”

Buck swoops him up into his arms, bridal style. “Don’t worry, I’ll carry you.”

Eddie clings to Buck’s shoulders. “Holy shit fuck, please don’t drop me oh my god.”

Buck opens the door to his apartment and Eddie groans again. “Not _more_ stairs!”

Buck deposits Eddie on his couch and then scampers back off to his fridge.

“Why are your light bulbs naked?” Eddie comments, looking up above Buck’s head.

“Don’t slut shame them!” Buck calls back, grabbing water bottles for both of them. “Maybe they just want someone to love them okay? They’re not bad light bulbs.”

“I never said they were! I didn’t mean it like that. The light bulbs are pretty.”

“Pervert,” Buck smirks, chucking Eddie’s water bottle at him that he quickly karate chops away before it smacks him right in the face.

Buck nearly falls over himself laughing and kicks the water bottle back towards him. 

“We gotta drink the water,” Buck giggles. “It’s good for you. Slimy.”

“Ew,” Eddie pulls back from his sip of water with disgust. “This tastes like ocean pee. I don’t want ocean pee.”

Buck ducks his head back and chugs the whole bottle as Eddie gags. “Nasty.”

Buck spits the water up and it gets all over his shirt and he looks like porpoise with his blowhole.

Eddie giggles. _Blowhole._ Heh. He bets Buck has a nice blowhole. And a nice face. His face is the nicest part about him. Other than his arms. And his shoulders. And his chest. He looks like he could slam Eddie into the wall and he’d say thank you, kind sir, please do it again.

Maybe if he asked Buck nicely he’d pick Eddie up again and carry him up to his bed.

Buck bends forward, scooping Eddie up once again.

“Whoa! Where are you taking me?”

“Bed. Tired.”

“Did you read my mind?”

“No,” Buck grunts as he walks up the stairs. “But your eyeskin was getting all droopy.”

“That’s such a gross word.”

“No it’s not.”

“It literally rhymes with foreskin.”

“And foreskin is beautiful.” Buck drops him unceremoniously on his bed and Eddie can’t help the laughter that escapes from his chest. He looks up at Buck who’s staring down at him like he’s some kind of vision to behold. 

Eddie calms down, catching his breath slowly until he’s breathing calmly. Buck is still standing up, staring down at him like he didn’t know if he could even get on his own bed without Eddie’s permission.

Eddie pats the space beside him. 

Buck’s eyes light up with the acceptance and he leans down, placing himself gingerly next to Eddie. Buck is warm, even through his long-sleeve shirt. The space between his pecs and his shoulder looks inviting, so Eddie turns on his side, shuffling forward until he has his head resting half on Buck’s shoulder and half on his chest. His arm comes up and wraps around his waist. 

He snuggles in, Buck’s scent wafting from him and wisping through Eddie’s nostrils like they were in a cartoon.

Buck stays rigid for a moment but then relaxes into his hold.

After a few silent moments, Buck licks his lips and they get all shiny. Eddie didn’t even realize he had been looking up, staring at Buck’s face until he spoke.

“Are you still high?”

Eddie doesn’t know. He can still feel it wrapping around his veins, loosening the cogs in his brain, sending warmth down his spine. Or maybe that was just Buck’s thumbs stroking patterns up and down his back. 

“I think so,” Eddie answers honestly. “I don’t know.”

“Why did you come here?” Buck asks.

“The cop dropped me off here because I couldn’t go to my house.”

“No,” Buck says. “Not why are you here in my house. I mean—I mean like...why are you _here?_ In LA. Did you know I was here?”

Eddie still feels floaty, but more than that, he feels comfortable. He’s resting against Buck’s warm and solid body, and he’s happy. Safe.

So his loose lips spill what his heart thinks. “I knew you were here. Wanted to see you.”

Buck’s breath hitches. “Really? You...came here for me?”

“Not entirely,” Eddie says. “Abuela and Pepa and Christopher too. We all were better off here. I like it here. I like being near you.”

Buck’s hand slips onto Eddie’s waist, cradling him to his body. 

“I didn’t think you would want to see me after…” Buck hesitates, his heart beating fast all of a sudden. “After what happened in the ladder truck.”

Something ugly and green curls in his stomach. It perches, hatches an egg and then sprouts wings and flies out Eddie’s mouth. “Groovyheels297.”

“You remember that.”

“I remember it all,” Eddie murmurs, turning his burning red face into Buck’s shoulder. “Can’t stop thinking about it.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck says after another long moment in which Eddie thinks he might’ve fallen asleep. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable o-or take advantage—”

“You didn’t,” Eddie mumbles, a yawn attacking him out of nowhere. “Wanted it.”

Buck’s body locks yet again, his hand on Eddie’s waist suddenly pressing in harder.

“Y-You did?”

Eddie feels himself drifting off. His eyes have long since closed, and he told himself he could do that and just listen. He hugs Buck closer, like a teddy bear, warm and fuzzy and big and comforting. 

“Mmmm…”

“Eddie…?” Buck whispers, but Eddie’s too far gone. He feels himself being sucked under.

He passes out cuddled against Buck’s body, not a single regret in his system.

* * *

Waking up does not offer him the same luxury.

His head is pounding, and he’s thankful Buck brought their water bottles upstairs with him. He detaches himself from Buck, who’s still passed out and pushes back until he’s on the edge of the bed.

Fuck. Why did he always have to fuck up with Buck? Why couldn’t he just have a normal night with him without making it weird?

Buck stirs a few moments later, his hand that had been wrapped sturdily against Eddie’s twitching like it was seeking out Eddie’s skin again. Buck snorts awake and looks up, wincing as the pain catches up with him.

“Oh fuck,” he whines as he sits up. 

Eddie, unfortunately, empathizes and passes him his water bottle since Buck had chugged his own like a baby bird. “Drink some water.”

“You mean Ocean Pee?” Buck murmurs with a smile under his breath.

A laugh erupts from his throat and he immediately winces and Buck chuckles at him before leaning down over his bed to his bedside table. Eddie watches the dip of Buck’s back, stares at the stripe of skin that rucks up his back as he bends over. 

Buck sits back up and hands Eddie the painkillers.

“Thanks,” he says, taking a couple and drinking the water Buck passes back to him.

“Eddie…” Buck starts slowly. “About last night.”

Eddie cringes, closing his eyes and turning his head. 

Fuck. Was there anyway he could just bolt? Run down the stairs and out of Buck’s building and out of LA and out of the state?

Buck is looking at him, something pleading and earnest in his eyes, and he can’t just run now.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says, forcing himself to look up into Buck’s best. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I know I said some things…”

“I wasn’t uncomfortable,” Buck says fast. “I wasn’t. Not last night and not after the ladder truck either.”

Eddie flinches at the mention of the ladder truck. “Um.”

“I was so afraid that I pushed you away after that,” Buck starts, and then it’s like a rocket had been shot off and he couldn’t stop talking. “I thought that I had...had _violated_ you or something and then you stopped talking to me and I felt like the worst person in the world and I...I thought I’d lost you forever and it was killing me. But then you showed up here and I thought—I don’t know what I thought but you said you came here for me—or at least it was one of your reasons for coming here and I just—Fuck, Eddie, you have no idea how relieved I was to hear that. I’d been agonizing over it for months.”

Eddie clutches the water bottle in his hands hard. It makes crinkling noises but he forces himself to take deep breaths.

“You never made me uncomfortable,” Eddie says. “I didn’t lie.” He flicks his eyes up and down, away from Buck and back to him over and over. “What I said last night. I meant it.”

“Yeah?” Buck asks, his voice airy and light.

“Yeah,” Eddie nods. “I was worried that you...that you just thought I was another body to sleep with—”

Buck surges forward, clutching Eddie’s hands. “No. _No,_ Eddie, you could never be just another body. You’ve always been more than that to me.”

Eddie’s breath quickens. Does he mean what Eddie thinks he means?

Buck searches his eyes. “You’re my best friend.”

Fuck. Right. Best friends. Yeah.

If his heart sinks back into the acid vat in his stomach, at least Buck will never know.

“Same,” Eddie nods. “Yeah. Mine too.”

Buck smiles and Eddie’s straight up mesmerized. It’s almost enough to distract him from the gut-punching disappointment. He shoves it back down and tries to feel happy. Tries to feel good now that they’ve talked it through, that any miscommunication that lingered in the air had been cleared away.

He has to leave soon after because he was supposed to go pick up Christopher and then he had an appointment in a few days with Carla to check out a potential new school for Christopher. This one was supposed to be perfect, it boasted all the things Eddie knew Christopher would need, not just for his CP but also for the opportunities it could bring him. The school had an art program and an engineering and coding program all for kids like Chris. He couldn’t blow this chance for Christopher to get into this school.

Carla reassures him that all of it would be fine. The school liked his application, thought Christopher would be a good addition to the school but Eddie was still nervous. He told Buck as much at the station in the days before they had their meeting.

At the tour it was solidified in Eddie’s mind even more that this was the school Christopher belonged in. They seemed to like Eddie, and Carla made it seem like he had it in the bag. 

Until they say they need to meet Shannon.

Eddie knows that she’s here in LA. Knows it wouldn’t be too hard for her to call them, but...somehow he finds himself apprehensive to reach out to her at all. He didn’t know what she would do if she found out that he and Christopher were in LA. Would she want to talk to them? Would she want to be back in Christopher’s life?

He leaves her a voicemail, secretly grateful that she didn’t pick up. Did she still have his number? Or had she deleted it? He was relieved he hadn’t had to explain it all to her and hear her responses. It was easier to just lay it all out for her, give her the number for the school, and let her do with that what she may.

She calls him back and Eddie nearly chucks his phone across the room. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to her, it's just...he’s afraid of what will happen if they talk.

But he answers anyway. And they talk, and it’s not that bad. 

She asks if they can meet and talk and person and well...Eddie’s just not ready for that. He tells her as such, worried how she might react, but instead she lets out a low hum of acknowledgement. “Okay, Eddie. I’ll meet with the school. But I would really like to talk eventually. You know, sit down, just us and Christopher.”

“Shannon, I…”

But Eddie doesn’t want to fight. He doesn’t want to start this again, because he knows exactly where it will lead. Shannon’s going to get upset and then Eddie is going to get upset and he doesn’t want to be bogged down with that. He’s already anxious enough as it is with being forced to get back in contact with Shannon when he wasn’t ready.

He puts the phone call out of his head. It’s Halloween the next day and he doesn’t want to be in a mood when he and Christopher go trick-or-treating.

He’s planning on being Snake Plissken, and Christopher was going to be Wolverine. They were going to go with Carla, and as Eddie’s getting ready, he starts to feel like something’s missing.

“Hello?” 

“Buck, hey,” Eddie says into the phone. “I know this is super last minute but do you want to come trick-or-treating with me and Christopher? It’s okay if you don’t have a costume—”

“Are you kidding?” Buck stops him in his tracks. “I have the _best_ costume. When are you guys leaving?”

“Uh…” Eddie winces. “In like an hour? I know it’s last minute so if you have other plans it’s okay—”

“No!” Buck interjects. “I mean, yes, I wanna come trick-or-treating with you guys.”

Eddie smiles, tucking the phone under his chin. “You can have half my stash.”

Buck laughs sweetly. “Who says I won’t be getting my own stash. I know for a fact that all the mom’s give me the biggest chocolate bars.”

“Okay, okay, big man, just get over here.”

About thirty minutes later Buck shows up and when he answers the door he has the overwhelming urge to both drool and bust up laughing.

“Are you…?”

“The terminator!” Buck shouts, pulling up the giant green and orange plastic water gun that didn’t fit the rest of the aesthetic at all. Buck’s wearing tight black leather pants that hug him in all the right places, his thighs thick and bulging and his belt buckle drawing the eye down. On top he was wearing a tight grey shirt that pulled across his pecs, his nipples peeking out just slightly. The shirt was tucked into the leather pants and to top it off was a leather jacket that clung to Buck’s shoulders in a way that made Buck look even wider than normal with the zipper hanging casually by his sides. 

Eddie had to cage the sudden need to shove his hands on the inside of Buck’s jacket, to rub his hands over Buck’s sides, up his thick waist until he could run his hands over his chest. 

It was the sunglasses and the hair that made him want to laugh.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear sunglasses in my life.”

“I don’t normally like wearing them,” Buck tells him. “I think they make my head look funny.”

“You look good,” Eddie says simply, before turning around and calling for Chris.

Christopher comes walking out from the kitchen.

“Buck! You came for Halloween!”

Buck rushes forward, swooping the little boy into his arms, careful to avoid the extended claws dangling from Christopher’s hands. 

“You look so cute!” Buck says, stroking Christopher’s cheeks where the fake facial hair has been glued on before he lowers his voice to an absurdly low tone. “I mean, manly!” He turns to Eddie and whispers, “What is he supposed to be?”

“Buck!” Christopher giggles. “I’m Wolverine! From X-Men!”

“Oh!” Buck exclaims like he suddenly knew what Christopher was talking about. “Nice one, buddy!”

As they make their way out the door, Carla joins them, raising her eyebrow and making a comment about how she’d let Buck save her from the robots. 

Buck catches up with Eddie. “You really haven’t seen X-Men?”

“It’s further down on Chimney’s list,” Buck explains like the only reason he ever watched movies was if someone else was watching them with him.

Eddie groans. “Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am either.”

Buck hisses, looking Eddie up and down with an appreciative yet unrecognizing look. “Sorry Eddie.” He winks. “You look good though.” He bumps his arm against Eddie’s, leather against bare skin.

Eddie looks back at Buck as they approach the first house. “You’re going to get so hot in the jacket. It’s October but it’s 85 degrees.”

Buck huffs. “Yeah, I figured I might regret that one. I’ll take it off if need be.”

They continue down the neighborhood. Buck was right, the mom’s _do_ end up giving him and Buck more candy than they had anticipated. Maybe it was because they were two of the only adults dressed up and accompanying their kids. Or maybe because they liked the way Eddie’s arms looked and Buck’s shoulders, even as he took off the leather jacket and slung it behind him.

Carla walks ahead with Christopher, chatting with him happily, and Eddie stays back, happy to watch Christopher have fun in front of him. Buck matches his pace, his now bare arm moving in to sweep against Eddie’s every now and then. 

“What’s the matter?”

“Huh?” Eddie looks towards Buck. “I’m fine.”

“You’ve been kind of quiet all evening,” Buck said. “And Carla keeps giving you these looks.”

Eddie sighs. Leave it to Buck to pick up on his mood—the mood that he had tried _so_ hard not to fall into but did so nonetheless.

“I…” he exhales through his nose once. “I called Shannon.”

Buck’s strides don’t falter but his demeanor seems to dim a little. “Oh...are you okay?”

Eddie’s brow furrows. “That’s it? No ‘what happened?’, No ‘what did you talk about?’”

“I figured if you wanted to tell me you would,” Buck says.

“You didn’t see it?”

“No?” Buck says. “I actually...I haven’t been seeing too much from your end recently. Seems like it only happens when we’re physically apart and, well, we haven’t been apart all that much recently.”

Eddie hums. “I need her help getting Christopher into his new school. They want to meet her but...she wants to see Christopher first.”

“And you’re not ready to do that?”

The vein in his forehead throbs. “No? I don’t know if I _want_ her back in his life. In _my_ life. Because letting her back in it’s...it’s setting us up for her to leave us again. I can’t—” he closes his eyes for a moment, clearing his throat—“I can’t go through that again. I can’t let her put _Christopher_ through that again.”

Buck looks ahead at Carla, who was helping Christopher ring the doorbell for the next house. “Carla wants you to let Shannon back in.”

Eddie sighs, nodding his head. “She says a boy needs his mom.”

Buck blinks, looking down at his hands. “I think that’s only true when said mom is in it for the right reasons. When that mom can be what their kid needs. Not every mother is cut out to be a mom. Sometimes...being with them just makes things worse.”

Eddie looks at Buck and the faraway look in his eyes. Eddie knows without even having to ask that Buck is thinking about his own mom, maybe even his dad too. Eddie had seen it with his own eyes enough times to know what Buck had gone through. And he’s sure that Buck had seen enough of Eddie’s life to know that there were times he wished he had a different mother too. Or at least, the same mother who wasn’t so...overbearing. Who made him feel less than. Like he wasn’t cut out to be anything worthwhile. That made him feel like a failure and a waste of space.

He looks back towards Buck who’s eyes have found his. “I’m not saying Shannon is going to turn out the same way as our moms. At least she came back. At least she wants to see him.”

“She’s not a bad mom,” Eddie relents, rubbing his wrist, skating his finger along his tattoo that read ‘Find A Way’. That’s what he’d always had to do all his life. Find a way to make things work. Find a way to escape. Find a way back to his son. “I just—” he shifts, letting himself lean against Buck for any sort of clarity, for security. “I’m scared. I’m terrified she’s going to change her mind and abandon us again.”

“Eddie...I think the person you should be telling this to is Shannon.”

He recoils at that. The idea of telling Shannon how much she hurt him, hurt Christopher. How terrified he was that she would do it again. The idea of opening up to her—that was almost as terrifying as her leaving.

It didn’t make sense. Shannon was his wife— _is_ still technically his wife. But...he didn’t trust her. Sometimes he felt like maybe he never trusted her from the start. He had tried so hard to make it work with her, to find a way to feel as comfortable around her as he wanted to be. The words would come to him, to tell her how he felt about her getting pregnant, about how he felt he needed to join the Army, how he felt so utterly alone even before she left. 

And that was it, wasn’t it? Eddie had _never_ been able to open up to Shannon. He’d never trusted her enough to tell her anything because he was so worried that she would throw it back in his face that it was just easier to not tell her anything.

Eddie knew he fucked up. And that a lot of the reason why Shannon was so frustrated with him all of the time was because he would make all of these decisions on his own, because he felt like if he even tried to discuss it with her it would get shut down. It was like he treated Shannon the same way he treated his parents. With the mindset of better to ask forgiveness than permission. And all it had done was drive a huge wedge between. Had driven off the mother of his son.

And he loved her. The way anyone would love the woman he started a family with, she was his first real relationship. But that didn’t stop him from wondering, at multiple intervals during the marriage and afterwards, if they had just made a mistake by getting married. He didn’t regret having Christopher, the little boy was the best thing to ever happen to him and he would forever love Shannon for the parts of her that made Christopher who he is. 

But he wasn’t in love with her. He never built a real functioning relationship with her. They were never partners. They were never best friends. Shannon needed him here and he was in Afghanistan, just like she said. She needed someone to have her back, and so did Eddie, but they were never meant to be those people to each other.

Maybe Christopher did need his mom...but Eddie and Shannon...they were never going to husband and wife again. Not for real. Not in anything other than name.

“I’ll talk to her,” Eddie tells Buck, who gives him a small understanding smile. And then, he reaches a hand out, brushing it lightly over the back of Eddie’s. His fingers trace Eddie’s tattoo without a word. 

Eddie’s skin alights. 

He looks up at Buck. Is...is _this_ what being in love feels like? Is this what trusting someone with your whole heart felt like?

Eddie would be okay if they never touched the way they did in the firetruck again. He’d be okay if he never felt Buck’s lips or had his body the way he wanted to. He’d gone 31 years without having Buck in that way. They’d shared something deeper. Something...cosmic. It blew Eddie’s mind sometimes. Just how willing he was to just...take Buck in. Let him know everything. Let him explore every cavern of Eddie’s mind and come back and just talk about it. 

He thought that that was something he’d never experienced before with a romantic partner...but it was something he’d been sharing with Buck nearly all his life.

So if he could keep Buck’s mind, keep his heart, his attention, the way he looked at him, the way he loved him. That would be enough for him.

He called Shannon the next day, asked if they could meet up. Talk for a bit. He tried not to sound too standoffish when she asked if she could see Christopher again. Just asked if they could discuss it first.

Shannon agreed to meet with him that weekend. It was good enough for him.

But then he got the call from Christopher’s school that Shannon had already gone and met with them. That she was there right now.

Eddie got in his car and drove to Christopher’s school. He didn’t want to be angry with Shannon, but sometimes she just got so impatient. It was like she couldn’t even give Eddie one _second_ of downtime to breath. He got home from Afghanistan and that day she wanted him to pack up and leave for California. He’d told her that he needed some time, and he’d meant it. He had thought about it—he had! He didn’t want to stay near his parents anymore than Shannon had but she didn’t want to give him anymore time. He apparently had 6 years in Afghanistan to think on it, and when he couldn’t give her the answer she wanted on that day, she left.

If she had just given it a week, two weeks max, Eddie would’ve said yes. He’d thought about it so often since she left. He would’ve said yes, and they would’ve left Texas together.

He spots her coming out of the front doors and gets out, waiting for her by his truck.

“Hey,” he starts cordially. “Thanks for coming out, talking to the school. I appreciate it, and I’m sure Christopher appreciates it too.”

“That’s why you’re here? To pass along thank you’s from my own son?”

Eddie stands in the way of her and her car, letting the moment of frustration wash over them and dissipate before he starts talking any further.

“Listen...Shannon...you left and...I understood. At least, I thought I understood. And I had it in my head that if I brought us closer to you that maybe...maybe you would want us back but...it’s not like that anymore. Us. We’re not like that anymore. We—our marriage it—”

He thinks of Buck, how Buck thought that Eddie should be honest with Shannon for once.

“...We never trusted each other, Shannon. We never thought about what the other needed. We were always just rushing full speed ahead, trying to—to force a family, to force a marriage, when that was never what you or I ever wanted.”

Shannon stares at him, her eyes watering. “Eddie, I...I never...I never meant for all of this to happen. With Christopher I just...it was all so overwhelming and I felt so _guilty_ because I had it in my head that I—” she swallows a sob— “that I did this to him. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still couldn’t—I couldn’t forgive myself. So I ran.”

Eddie knew the feeling. 

“I’ve been—” Shannon sniffs, wiping her face. “I’ve been going to therapy. For about a year now. I’ve been trying to come to terms with what I did, but I was still so scared to face you, or to face Christopher. I couldn’t bear to look him in the face knowing that he thinks I left him because I didn’t want him—”

She breaks down and Eddie moves forward, wrapping his arms around her thin frame. “Hey...he knows you love him. He knows it, because I’ve told him that every single day since you left. I know...I know we weren’t the partners we should’ve been to each other but there was not a day that went by that I didn’t know how much you loved Christopher. Not one. Shannon, I...I’m just scared. I’m scared that if I let Christopher see you...you might hurt us again. Leave again. I don’t think either of us can handle that a second time.”

She pulls back, breathing hard, her face red and stained with tears. She takes a deep breath trying to calm herself. “I just...I just want to get the chance to apologize to him. To tell him that he’s perfect just the way he is and I’m sorry I couldn’t see that before.”

It clicks in Eddie’s head finally. That at least if Shannon couldn’t be his wife or coparent the way he wanted her to, the least he could do was let her be a mother to Christopher on her own terms. Maybe then...this whole thing between them wouldn’t be weighed down by so much pressure. With so many expectations that they could never live up to. They could just be Christopher’s mom and Christopher’s dad and live their own lives without the pain of trying to force two opposing magnets together and calling it a family.

“Maybe,” Eddie starts, swallowing on his dry tongue. “Maybe...we can meet all together. Next weekend. Just...give me some time, _please_ Shannon, just a little bit of time to talk to Christopher. To get him prepared for seeing you again. Please.”

“Okay,” Shannon nods, squeezing his hand. “Okay. Yes. Thank you, Eddie.”

Eddie heads home shortly after that. He has a little bit of time before he’s supposed to pick up Christopher from school.

Buck is at work, on shift that day while Eddie had the day off. It’s only the second or third time that’s happened since he started working at the 118. It feels off now—not being at work with Buck.

He can’t call Buck, he could be on a call, and need his full attention. But maybe, as Eddie laid down on the couch to rest his eyes, he could just...take a peek?

Sometimes, if he concentrated hard enough and he and Buck were far enough away from each other, he could just sit back and watch whatever Buck was seeing. Sometimes it soothed him, especially if Buck was just going about his day. Eddie would never admit it, but it was nice, just being able to check in on him whenever he felt antsy—like now, for instance.

He was at the firehouse—which Eddie knew but he wasn’t on a call. Instead he was sitting on the couch by himself, reading a book. Eddie skims along, reading a few sentences with him. He stops when he realizes what Buck is reading. 

_Is that...a book about how to raise kids with CP?_

Eddie looks closer, reading along more and yeah, yeah, that’s definitely what Buck’s reading.

Eddie opens his eyes, heart beating rapidly. 

**_Eddie?_ **Buck whispers.

Oh shit. Buck knew he was there now. He must’ve made a low noise in the back of this throat just loud enough to alert him.

Buck snaps his book shut, and Eddie catches a glimpse of the title: _This Kid Can Fly: It's About Ability (NOT Disability)._

“You’re reading about CP,” Eddie croaks. He feels embarrassment flush over him. “Why?”

Buck rubs the back of his neck. **_I, uh...I just wanted to know more about Chris. What he might be feeling. Just so I know the best ways to help lift him up, you know?_ **

Eddie thinks he just might cry, his throat feels thick. He tries to clear it, to answer Buck. “Yeah...um. That’s good. I, uh, I appreciate it.”

**_I just want him to feel good about himself, and I want to make sure that I don’t accidentally do or say anything that makes him feel bad about himself. I know what that’s like—not the CP, obviously—but like, the feeling bad about yourself part. I don’t want Chris to ever experience that._ **

Okay yeah, maybe he’s crying just a little bit. Silent tears that gather at the corner of his eyes, and slip past the crest of his cheekbones. 

**_Are you okay?_ ** Buck asks gently.

“No, yeah, I’m fine,” Eddie says, discreetly wiping his face so that Buck couldn’t see. “I—” he takes a deep breath. “I talked to Shannon today. In person.”

**_Yeah? How’d that go?_ **

“Good...actually.” Eddie shakes his head. “We fought a bit in the beginning but...I told her. I was honest with her and...Fuck. She’s been going to therapy, you know? Trying to get better, trying to work through her own issues.”

**_Sounds like she’s working to be the type of mother Christopher needs._ **

“Yeah,” Eddie says, believing it this time. “Yeah...I think she’s really trying this time. I invited her over this weekend to meet with us.” He rubs a hand over his face. “I have to find some way to talk to Chris about it first. I can’t just spring Shannon on him out of nowhere.”

**_Just be honest with him, like you were with Shannon. Chris is a great kid, he’ll take it in stride._ **

Eddie sighs heavily. “Maybe I should get him a child psychologist. Just to make sure he’s getting help if he needs it.”

**_Mmmm,_ ** Buck squeezes his own hand. Eddie feels it and squeezes back. **_I know you’ll make the right decisions for him._ **

And just feels...he feels spread open, every drop of vulnerability inside him just leaking out. It feels like a weight off his shoulders, just those simple words. Someone believing in him, trusting inherently that he’ll do what’s right for his son and not using it as a backhanded tactic to make him feel like he was a fuck-up. 

“Can you come over tonight when I talk to Chris?” Eddie blurts out. 

**_You...you want me there?_ ** Buck asks, sounding incredulous. **_Are you sure?_ **

“Yeah, I…” Eddie squeezes his hand again. “You don’t have to worry about—about saying anything. It would just be...nice. To have you there. For support.”

Buck is silent for a moment, probably because just then some of the other firefighters came up the stairs, congregating at the tables and talking amongst themselves.

Buck lowers his voice. **_I’ll be there._ **

Eddie lets out the breath he’d been holding. 

The bell rings and Buck whispers a quick goodbye to him before rushing off to join the team. 

Now Eddie just has to figure out what he’s going to say to Chris. He runs out to the store, getting groceries and thinking about what was quick and easy that he could make tonight for Chris and Buck. He puts the groceries away quickly before rushing out again to pick Christopher up.

He lets his boy know that Buck was coming over that night and the ecstatic reaction was more than Eddie could hope for. 

“I bought cookies for dessert but we can’t eat them until after Buck gets here, okay?”

Christopher whoops with joy, asking if it’s his birthday since Eddie not only cooked a whole meal for them but got them cookies _and_ Buck was coming over. It made him feel better, somewhat, to have Christopher in such a good mood. He just hoped bringing up Shannon didn’t ruin it for him. 

Buck comes over after his shift, freshly showered and hair ungelled. He looks nice...framed in the soft setting sun. Eddie wants to press forward into him, soak up his comfort like a flower under the sun, in the form of his big arms wrapped around him. Eddie didn’t know when he started being attracted specifically to Buck’s arms, but they were nice arms, and Eddie thought about them a lot more than was probably healthy. 

“You _cooked?!”_

Christopher busts up laughing. “I told you! He got us cookies too!”

“Cookies! Oh my goodness,” Buck puts an over dramatic hand to his chest. “I feel so loved.”

He should be.

They end up making the night a movie night, Christopher drags him and Buck over to the couch and they scroll through Netflix for a good half an hour before finding something to watch after dinner. Christopher begs to bust out the cookies and Buck gives him a pleading pout and the tag teaming cuteness was too much for Eddie to even consider saying no.

They were able to start the movie early enough that Eddie could still gather his courage to talk to Chris without him falling asleep first. Christopher asks to watch another movie, considering it’s only 8:15 at night, but if they do he knows he will have wasted his window. He needed to talk to Chris about it as soon as he could. Dragging it out would only make it harder for him to be honest.

Buck gets up, goes to the kitchen for something to drink and Eddie wraps an arm behind Christopher’s shoulders, asks if he can talk to him for a bit.

Christopher’s trusting smile hurts Eddie’s heart. If this ended badly...if something happened to take the smile off his boy’s face, he didn’t know if he could live with himself after that.

“So, buddy, you know how Mommy went to go take care of grandma right?”

Christopher’s face falls, clearly not anticipating Shannon being brought up.

“Yeah.”

“Well, Mommy moved to California. She actually moved to LA. She’s only about 45 minutes away.”

And then, just as quickly as his face had fallen, his face lit up again. “Really? Can we go visit her? Can we, dad, _please?!”_

Eddie looks up, catching eyes with Buck who was standing cautiously in the doorway to the kitchen watching their exchange silently. He gives Eddie a knowing smile.

The anxiety still lingers, the terror that looms over him that whispers that he’s making the wrong decision, that he’s ruining Christopher’s life. But the way his boy grasps onto his hands, his bouncing body _excited_ at the prospect of seeing his mom again. He can’t deny Christopher that.

“Actually, I was wondering if you were okay with Mommy coming to visit us this weekend?”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah?”

“Buck!” Christopher whirls around. “My mommy’s coming to visit, did you hear?” 

“I did, buddy!” Buck smiles at his son’s enthusiasm. “That’s so exciting!”

Christopher’s practically bouncing off the wall at the prospect and it hits Eddie just how much Christopher must’ve missed Shannon, how much it must’ve hurt him to hide that pain under smiles. 

“She’ll come by this weekend, okay, Chris?” Eddie says, taking his son’s hand again. “But I just want you to know that no matter what happens with mommy, I will always be here for you okay? You can talk to me about anything you’re feeling. If you’re worried or upset or sad, you can talk to me. No matter what, okay?”

“Okay, daddy,” Christopher leans forward, hugging Eddie tight. “I will!”

Soon enough Chris is asking to watch the next movie again, and Eddie lets it happen this time, knowing that at least this might tire Christopher out before he goes to sleep.

Buck comes back then, and sits down on the other side Christopher. Eddie runs his fingers through Christopher’s hair. Eddie looks up at Buck who’s staring down at his hands in Christopher’s hair.

“Thanks. For being here tonight.”

Buck shakes his head with a smile. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

* * *

Christopher remained beyond excited the rest of the week. He calls Shannon and tells her the general plan, to go to the park, then go get some lunch, maybe eat some ice cream afterwards. She asks if she should bring anything but Eddie’s got it all sorted out. 

He prints out a schedule of his shifts for the next month. He’d like to talk to her about days she can visit _if_ this meeting on the weekend goes well. For the time being he wasn’t comfortable with the two of them being alone together, he wanted to schedule meetings where he could ensure that he could be there with them. Maybe, if things were going well, he’d start to feel more comfortable letting Shannon be with Christopher when Carla was also around, and then maybe letting her have days by herself.

He was willing to try, but he needed to feel good about Shannon first. 

When Shannon gets there that morning, Christopher launches himself into her arms. Shannon bursts into tears and Eddie lingers in the corner, batting away his own tears, watching the pair of them reunite.

He just needs this day to go well.

They go to the park and Christopher tells Shannon all about how excited he is to start school—the school had liked Shannon and they’d approved Christopher to start attending the following week. They go out to lunch and Shannon doesn’t try to take over prepping Christopher’s meal. She lets him handle what he can handle and Eddie lets her do the honors whenever Christopher does ask for help.

Ice cream puts everyone in even lighter spirits by the end of the afternoon. When Christopher is ready to go home, Eddie feels confident enough in the day to talk to Shannon about further meet-ups.

He invites Shannon into the house. Even before Christopher falls asleep on the car ride home and Eddie puts him down in his room for a nap, he was still excited to have his mom there. He asks when she’s coming back and Eddie tells her that they’re going to discuss it but it’ll be soon. It’s enough for Chris and he completely conks out.

“Thank you,” Shannon says as he makes his way back into the living room. “For today. I had a really good time. And if I might be so bold as to make an assumption, it seems like Chris had a good time too?”

Eddie nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Yeah. Yeah, I think he really did.”

“So…?” Shannon starts. “Think we might do this again sometime?”

Eddie moves into the kitchen, taking out his copy of his schedule. “We can go over our calendars, maybe find another time next week or the week after to get together? Gradually increase it as we go?”

Shannon seems pleased, sitting down as she takes out her own planner from her purse. They work it out, planning for Shannon to come over for dinner the following Wednesday since Eddie had the morning shift that day, as well as the following Thursday since he had that and Friday off.

Once they’ve figured it out, Eddie walks Shannon to the door. She lingers there, hands wringing the strap of her purse nervously before she leans in and kisses him.

For the briefest of moments, Eddie kisses back. But then, he remembers what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with, and he pulls back.

“Shannon...I can’t.” Eddie takes a step back, putting more distance between them. “I can bring you back into our lives for Christopher but...I can’t be your husband anymore.”

Shannon’s face falls. “Oh. I thought...I thought we were going to try to put our family back together…”

Eddie shakes his head. “I want you and Christopher to be in each other’s lives. And I...I love you, I will always love you. But I’m not in love with you anymore...and I don’t think you feel that way for me either.”

Shannon takes a deep breath, before she eventually nods. “You’re right. I didn’t want to admit it, but you’re right. I...I wasn’t ready to become someone’s mother and I definitely wasn’t ready to be someone’s wife. I think...I think right now it’s best I focus on learning to be Christopher’s mother. Maybe after that I can learn how to be someone’s wife.”

They both hear it. _Even if that someone isn’t you._

Shannon opens her arms for a hug and Eddie meets her halfway. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the partner you needed,” he whispers to her. “I hope you find that someday.”

Shannon smiles. “I hope you find that too.”

_Maybe I already have._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> Shannon's back, so expect all the issues that generally came with her return, especially re: abandonment, ableism, etc.


	11. some things you just can't speak about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....this is a long chapter lol. Sorry about that. Take your time reading I guess?
> 
> TW's in end notes

27 Years Old: Buck 

Walking into a bar feels weird after months of keeping himself as far away as possible from them. With Abby, he had wanted to show her that he could be loyal, that just because he had a bit of checkered past before, just because he’d slept with a lot of people before her, didn’t mean that he would ever cheat on her. 

She asked him not to hook up with any other girls on tinder when they chose to hold off on sleeping with each other, and Buck hadn’t even considered it. He’d undownloaded the apps, he stopped going to bars, he just wanted to spend time with Abby, even if she had been busy and didn’t necessarily want to spend time with him.

But that was over now, and as far as his friends were concerned (all of them except Eddie), Buck was single and ready to mingle.

He didn’t really want to though.

Abby had left and that had hurt Buck more than he cared to admit. But since getting Eddie back...since being able to be by his side, physically, for real, Buck hadn’t felt lonely in the same way he used to be. 

Even if Eddie only ever saw Buck as his best friend and nothing more. Fuck buddies existed—not that that was what they were!—but friends could sometimes sleep with friends platonically, right?

For Buck it wasn’t platonic, but for Eddie...he truly did not know. He hadn’t even known Eddie had any interest at all in men before he was spread out on his knees, two fingers inside himself while he watched and felt everything Buck did with Groovyheels297.

It was just a one time thing. For Eddie, it was because he was stressed, he was lonely, his wife had just left him, and Buck was a safe option to explore from afar. 

Buck could understand that. Didn’t mean he wasn’t craving the same touch from him again. He wasn’t going to go ask for it, not while Eddie was trying so hard to rebuild his family again. Buck knew that his relationship with Shannon was complicated, and that there might still be lingering feelings there.

It hurt, Buck wouldn’t lie. But he had known for years the place Shannon held in Eddie’s heart. He wouldn’t get in between that. He wouldn’t wreck Eddie and Christopher’s chances at a happy life with Shannon.

Even as Eddie sat besides Buck in their booth at the bar across from Chim, skin pressed against skin in their short-sleeved shirts, Buck promised he would keep himself in check.

“I don’t get it, Buck, you’ve been single for months,” Chim says, typing away at his phone. “I’ve never had to actually _beg_ you to come to a bar before.”

Eddie snickers. “Yeah, and I’ve never been begged to come just so someone else would.”

“Yeah, buckaroo, come on!” Chimney laughs. “You’ve been holed up in your apartment for months by yourself. Time to get back on the horse.”

Buck leans on his elbows, making a face at Chim and rubbing the side of his neck. “I don’t know…”

“Why not?”

Eddie seems to sit up straighter, turning towards Buck like he was more than a little interested in what he might say.

Buck sneaks a couple quick glances at Eddie before he grumbles. “I just don’t want to be Buck 1.0 again. I want to stay Buck 2.0.”

“Going on a date isn’t going to immediately revert you back to your factory settings, Buck,” Chimney says just as the waitress comes up and asks for their drink orders. 

Buck shrinks in on himself a little. Was Buck 1.0 really his factory setting? Was any improvement he made really bound to end up in a relapse?

Eddie’s thigh presses into Buck’s. “He didn’t mean it like that.”

Chimney isn’t paying attention, still busy typing on his phone. 

Buck smiles weakly at Eddie, just as Maddie shows up.

“Wait, _that’s_ who you ordered the wine for?” Buck asks. “You invited my sister?”

“Well hello to you too little brother,” Maddie chirps good-naturedly. She turns to Chimney, pressing into him for a hug, already spouting off about ordering the same thing they got last time as if they’d been coming here on their own multiple times before this.

Buck raises his eyebrows, turning to Eddie who has the same calculating look on his face as he gazed at the two across from them.

“Oh, and hi Eddie,” Maddie says, finally acknowledging the other man’s presence at Buck’s side.

Eddie, magically, doesn’t even seem offended, simply nodding at her before she and Chimney end up diving into their own conversation all on their own.

Eddie leans towards him. “Is it just me or does it seem like Chimney is dating your sister?”

Buck huffs a disbelieving laugh. “It’s not just you.”

Soon enough, Maddie and Chimney are bounding off to the karaoke machine, effectively leaving Buck and Eddie by themselves.

Buck bumps Eddie’s arm. “I’m sorry, man. For dragging you out here when Chimney was just using it as an excuse so he could hang out with my sister.”

Eddie laughs good-naturedly. “I don’t mind.” He bumps Buck’s arm back, sending a pleasant feeling down his spine. “I still get to hang out with you. That was my main reason for saying yes to tagging along in the first place.”

Buck’s heart sings like a god-damn canary. “Really?”

Eddie shakes his head with a light chuckle. “Obviously.”

“You’re not upset about missing your night with Christopher?”

“Shannon has him,” he says lightly.

Now it’s Buck’s turn to be surprised. “Yeah?”

Eddie nods. “We’ve been gradually working up to her getting time alone with him. The last few times I’ve been there with them, you know, watching to make sure everything was going well. On Monday, I asked Carla to tag along with them while I was at work, and I got nothing but raving reviews back from both of them. Figured I could let her have this one night to start.”

Buck nods along with every word Eddie says. “That’s good of you.”

“Nah. I just think about if that was me, I wouldn’t want to be kept away from my kid.”

“Are you nervous?”

“I’m never not nervous when I’m apart from Chris,” he turns and smiles at Buck. “But being with you helps.”

He’s tingling all over, whether it be from Eddie’s words or from the IPA’s Buck doesn’t know. They run out so Buck offers to get up and get them two more.

The bartender hands him a different drink that he didn’t order.

“From the lady,” he informs him, nodding his head back across the bar towards a familiar red-head.

He huffs a laugh and walks over to her, placing the drink she ordered for him in front of her. “Taylor Kelly. Fancy seeing you here.”

“Firefighter Buckley, long time no see.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Stalking you, of course.”

Buck freezes, furrowing his brow and looking off to the side. “Uh…”

“I’m kidding,” Taylor laughs, rolling her eyes like she didn’t anticipate Buck taking her seriously. “Though it seems your friend over there probably thinks I am.”

She nods back towards the booth where he left Eddie and when he turns around he sees Eddie glaring at them—no, at _Taylor,_ like she’d just picked his dog up and punted it across a field.

“Aha, no that’s just Eddie. You remember him from the station?”

Taylor leans forward, her hand coming up to smooth her hair away from her chest and back over her shoulder. “Ah...right. Diaz, wasn’t it? He did _not_ like me.”

Buck gives her a weird look. “Eddie? No, he’s chill. He’s just—well, he probably doesn’t like that I abandoned him when he’s waiting for his drink.”

“Are you sure that’s why he’s upset?”

“Uh...yes?”

Taylor nods like that had just told her all she needed to know. 

“Well...looks like Chimney’s got himself a girlfriend.” She points to the stage where Maddie and Chimney are singing together. 

Buck cringes. “Yeah, uh, no. That’s my sister.”

“So Chimney’s here with your sister and you’re here with Eddie...and none of you guys are together,” she smiles gleefully. “That’s the single saddest double date I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“It’s not a double date.” 

She shrugs. “If you say so.”

Buck nods, pursing his lips awkwardly before turning around.

“So if you’re not on a date,” Taylor Kelly pipes up again. “Would you maybe wanna stick around...get another drink with me?”

Buck looks off, back to the bar where Eddie is sitting, half watching them, half trying to tear his gaze away like he was interrupting something. The thing was, Eddie wasn’t the one interrupting. Buck was the one who asked Eddie to come here tonight on a day off he could’ve been spending with his family, putting back together the fragile pieces like he’d been trying to for so long. 

Over there, with Eddie, that was where he wanted to be. Not at the bar drinking with Taylor Kelly, or anyone else.

“I’m good,” Buck tells her with a wry smile. “Thank you. See you around.”

He stops by the bar, picking up his and Eddie’s drinks before heading back over to his booth, sitting back down on the opposite bench from where Eddie sat, with his back to where he had just been.

“So...you’re not gonna go hang out with Taylor Kelly?” Eddie asks, almost too casually. 

Buck shakes his head. “Nah. She’s not my type.”

Something sparkles in Eddie’s eyes and Buck knows he’s made the right choice. 

The side of Eddie’s mouth lifts up, catching onto the joke. “Not mine either.”

“Not anymore,” Buck throws out with a smile. 

“Cheers to that.” Eddie lifts up his glass and Buck taps his against it.

He takes a big gulp, making an encouraging noise when Eddie follows his head. He sets his cup down hard with a satisfied gasp.

Standing up, he grabs Eddie’s arm and pulls him towards the stage. “Okay, now what are we singing?”

“Buck, no! _No—_!”

* * *

He’s really, _really_ gotta stop agreeing to have dinner with Maddie and Chimney.

It’s time they finally admit it. They’re dating each other. Even if they laugh it off awkwardly, Maddie sipping her wine and Chimney taking a bite of his hot wing. They’re dating. In every way but in name. 

“We’re just friends,” Maddie laughs.

“No. You're always talking or texting each other. You sing karaoke together. You finish each other's sentences. Guys, come on, you're a couple.”

Chimney shakes his head, brushing it off in a fake-casual way that’s totally betrayed by the panic in his eyes. Buck knows Chim better than that, has been friends with him way longer than Maddie. He knows that look. Chimney _likes_ his sister, whether they’re officially dating or not. 

He also knows that look when Chimney’s about to run his mouth.

Chim guffaws, “Yeah, well if that’s all it takes for us to be a couple, then you and Eddie are a couple too!” Buck chokes on his chicken waffle. “You guys even sang karaoke the other night! I still have _I Want It That Way_ stuck in my head—which, didn’t know you and Eddie were Backstreet Boys fans, I’m a little offended that I wasn’t aware of that—And! You guys have this weird mind-voodoo thing you guys do!”

Buck freezes, hands stilling completely.

“Yeah!” Maddie says suddenly. “I thought I was the only one that noticed! It’s like they can read each other’s minds or something.”

“Exactly. Eddie's not even physically there and I hear Buck talking to him. Or he’d be in the locker room and Eddie’s upstairs and then when Buck comes up he just joins the conversation with no context needed. He just knew everything Eddie was talking about! It’s insane.”

Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck. Oh fucccckkk.

He hadn’t realized people had noticed that about them. Really, since they’d been in such close proximity to each other, they hadn’t had to see through each other’s eyes all that often. But sometimes they still did, just because they could and it was easier than being apart. Still, he thought that they had done a good job of keeping it under wraps. 

He laughs it off. It’s the only thing he could do at that moment to not draw further attention to themselves, to not let Maddie and Chim know they were more right than they even knew.

“Fine. Don’t admit you’re a couple. It’s your own loss.”

Buck’s phone starts to ring then. He walks out of Chimney’s living room, over to the kitchen where he picks it up.

It’s...Ali? The girl he and Eddie had rescued during the 7.1 earthquake. And she was asking him out? Like on a date? He didn’t get it...If anything, shouldn’t she be asking Eddie out? He was the one who saved her before she fell out of a fifteen story building. 

He knows he should say yes. If he goes back over to Maddie and Chim and they figure out who he was talking to or find out he shot her down, there would be mountains of teasing to pay.

But at the same time...Buck almost _wanted_ to stay single. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t feeling the unscratchable tickle at his back to go and have sex, or go to a bar, or to do any of that. It was insane to even think about, him _not_ wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone, despite the fact that he wasn’t officially attached to anyone and could go out and do so if he wished.

Buck was...well, he was okay with where he was at that moment. He had close friends now, a family in the 118. He had his sister back, for Christ’s sake, and he _never_ expected for that to happen. And he has Eddie.

He has his best friend in the entire world with him. And yeah...Buck wanted a little—okay a lot—more than to just be his friend, but that wasn’t what mattered. Buck could go on existing just as they were as long as he could have Eddie and Christopher with him. 

He couldn’t say yes to a date with Ali if he never truly feels in his heart that he could give her what she wants. And he doesn’t want to force it. He saw how that went with Eddie, trying to force a relationship when something was missing. He didn’t want to do that now.

So he tells Ali the truth. Tells her he doesn’t think they would work out because Buck has feelings for someone else—that part he whispers low into the mic so Chimney and Maddie couldn’t hear. 

She’s cool about it. _Really_ cool actually, and he tells her that if she’s up for it, he’d still really love to be her friend. And she is. 

He feels good about his decision, even as he endures the teasing from his sister and her boyfriend. He especially feels good about his situation when he finds himself back at work, on a call involving two elderly husbands.

Mitchell doesn’t make it. He was in his 80s and crushed by a car. Eddie and Bobby get to work and Buck finds himself sitting with Thomas, comforting the old man who wasn’t doing well, crying and shaking over the loss of his husband.

Buck listens, a hand on Thomas’ shoulder, as the man tells him about the life he’d lived with his husband. The man he’d only been able to officially call his husband in recent years, but that hadn’t stopped them from loving each other, fighting to be with each other, for nearly all of their lives.

Buck couldn’t imagine it, loving someone your whole life, spending nearly every day together and wishing there could be more. 

“All those foolish things we did. We only ever wanted to go together. That's love.”

Love...Sometimes Buck felt like he didn’t know the meaning of the word. Like it got tossed around so freely, so carelessly, that it’d lost its meaning. He liked the idea of different words to mean different kinds of love. Familial love, like the love Buck felt for his sister, or the love one had for their kids. Watching the way Eddie loved Christopher...that was one of the most beautiful forms of love Buck had ever witnessed in his life. But romantic love...Buck can’t say he’s had too much experience with it. Every relationship—or skeleton of a relationship—he’s had has crashed and burned.

“I guess I can only hope to find something that good,” Buck murmurs. It’s the only thing he can say, he’s at a loss for words. He doesn’t know how to comfort this man who’d just lost his entire heart. He couldn’t even fathom the pain, even though it ripped through him just seeing the way Thomas struggled to hold in the tears and failed.

“You don't find it, son. You make it.”

It stuns him, keeps him staring off into the distance even as Thomas asks to have a moment alone with Mitchell. Buck lets him have his moment, moving up to pick up the pictures from their photo album that had scattered.

It’s a whole life. They look so young in these photos, almost Buck’s age, and the photos span years and years, and they’re beautiful. Their family is beautiful, and now...now that was over. The love didn’t come easy, that much Buck can see from the pictures alone, the rallies they attended, the marches for their rights, the fights that inevitably came from that frustration alone. But he saw the love, he witnessed as it grew in their eyes, in their faces, with each wrinkle that formed in the next photo.

They made that love for themselves. They chose it every single day.

Buck turns around. Thomas is slumped over and unresponsive.

“E-Eddie!” Buck shouts, kneeling over Thomas in an instant. “Cap! Help!”

They’re there in an instant, but it’s too late. Nothing they can do will bring Thomas back, but Buck can’t stop trying. He just couldn’t. Thomas couldn’t just give up so easily.

He’s being pulled back, Eddie and Cap’s hands on his shoulders. 

Buck sits back, tears in his eyes that refuse to fall. A wave of emptiness nearly washes over him, but then he catches sight of Thomas and Mitchell’s joined hands, together even in death.

They went together. Just like they always promised. 

He has to take a moment, and Cap doesn’t push him. Back in the truck, Eddie sits next to him without a word, their thighs pressed together and the back of Eddie’s hand resting against Buck’s.

Buck closes his eyes, letting his head fall forward. 

Eddie’s hand snakes into Buck’s, rubbing his thumb along the ribbed webbing between his thumb and forefinger.

“You did what you could,” Eddie whispers to him. “They’re together again, and now they don’t ever have to be apart.”

Buck opens his eyes, looking up at Eddie through wet eyelashes. 

Eddie looks back, face open and searching, eyes gazing at Buck like he wanted nothing more than to ease his pain. 

_Oh,_ Buck thinks, entangling his fingers with Eddie’s. _That’s love._

* * *

November rolls by in the blink of an eye and in just a few short weeks Christmas is upon them. It’s the first one Buck is getting to experience with his sister back, even if she wasn’t too keen on a big celebration this year. He could understand, it was her first Christmas away from Doug, who had probably turned his sister’s favorite holiday into something of nightmares. 

So he’d let her have her lowkey Christmas. They had plans for Christmas morning to have breakfast together anyway. That just left him to find something to do on his own the night before. Bobby had invited him to his and Athena’s house for Christmas, so Buck thought he’d might go there.

The annual Christmas toy drive for the station was happening that week, and all of them were scheduled to work and volunteer. 

Chimney, Buck and Eddie were stationed at the front of the toy booth, meant to accept the toys and give out the designated fire safety gifts. Buck always enjoyed when they had community events at the station. Couples and families would flock out by the dozens and the fire station was more overrun than normal—always within the safe amount of capacity to avoid a fire hazard of course.

He loved it when the kids came by because Buck was often in charge of showing them around to the fire trucks and explaining all the facts about them. Kids soaked that shit up, and looked at Buck like he had all the knowledge of the entire world. It was the best kind of satisfaction, knowing he was enriching young curious minds.

Today, however, they were at the toy booth. Which meant that when Shannon showed up with Christopher by her side and a giant present in her free hand, Buck was right there to witness it.

Eddie greeted her and Christopher with surprise, signaling to Buck that no, Eddie did not know that Shannon was planning to stop by. 

“Hi Buck!” Christopher jumped with excitement. 

And there was Buck’s favorite kid in the whole world. He couldn’t resist, calling out Christopher’s name with joy before crossing the toy table to run over and give the boy a big hug. 

“We got you guys a toy Army tank!” Christopher informs them all. “Isn’t it cool?”

“Super cool!” Buck beams, taking it from where Shannon hands it to him and then passes it along to Chimney who was also watching the whole exchange in fascination. 

“I asked Mommy if we could get two so I could have one too and she said we had to give this one up so that less fortunate kids could have it.”

“She’s right, Christopher,” Eddie nods at him, sending a small smile Shannon’s way. “Besides you’re going to be getting plenty of presents this year.”

“That’s right,” Buck says, standing up. “If not from your mommy and daddy, then definitely from me and Chim, isn’t that right?”

Chim gives him a _‘what the hell, Buckley?’_ look now that he’s firmly placed Chimney on the hook for getting a present for Chris.

They all laugh about it, even as Chimney turns away to go pay attention to someone else. 

Buck looks up at Shannon and reaches out a hand. “Hi, I’m Buck. You must be Shannon.”

She looks surprised, like she hadn’t expected Eddie or Christopher to have said a single world about her to anyone outside their family. Little did she know that Buck has known her just as long as Eddie has, Buck was the one who encouraged Eddie to ask her out in the first place. 

But she doesn’t need to know that.

“Buck, this is Shannon,” Eddie introduces, and it’s slightly stilted, like Eddie’s feeling the same general weirdness of being forced to introduce someone Buck already knows. “Christopher’s mom.”

Buck notes it. Eddie doesn’t introduce her as ‘Shannon my wife’ just...Christopher’s mom. Someone connected to his son, but not to him. He’d have to ask Eddie about that later.

“Nice to meet you, Buck,” Shannon says good-naturedly, and it’s so weird. Buck’s still not used to meeting the people in Eddie’s life that he’s only seen through glimpses. It still feels like meeting a celebrity, the same kind of surrealness that comes from seeing someone in real life after only knowing of their existence through a screen.

“We went to the movies today and Christmas shopping,” Christopher informs them. 

“Getting the stuff for Christmas dinner,” Shannon supplies. “Didn’t want to screw it up by not having everything we need before it all gets sold out.”

Oh. Right, of course they were having Christmas dinner with Shannon. Why wouldn’t they? It was a family holiday after all. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Eddie says with an easy smile. “And if it’s not, we can always order take out.”

“Or just do what Chim does and call Bobby,” Buck laughs. “But he’ll probably be busy with his own dinner that night.”

“We can call you!” Christopher interjects. “You can cook!”

Buck chuckles. “I’ve only made you breakfast a handful of times.”

“But you’re good,” Eddie says. “And getting better every day.”

Shannon stands there, watching the three of them ping pong the conversation around. 

“You know, Buck,” Shannon starts. “I could really use the help cooking that night. If you’re not busy, maybe you’d like to join us?”

Buck’s eyes immediately spring to Eddie, whose eyes are locked hard on Shannon’s form.

“Ah…” Buck lets out an awkward exhale. “I—thank you.” He looks at Eddie. “I don’t want to impose...I know it’s an important family dinner…”

“You’re our family too, Buck!” Christopher is the first to point out. 

Buck is always shocked by how much he grew to love Christopher more and more every day.

“Thank you, buddy,” he says, reaching out to run a hand through Christopher’s soft curly hair. “I appreciate that. But...I don’t want to intrude on your mommy and daddy’s time with you—”

“You should come,” Eddie blurts out of nowhere. Buck looks back towards him. 

Without words, Buck tries to convey with his eyes that he really doesn’t have to come if Eddie doesn’t want him there, if he’d prefer to have their first Christmas as a family together just be them.

“I mean it,” Eddie says in response. “I would really like it if you were there.” And then, right in front of Shannon and Christopher he smiles that warm smile that was usually only reserved for Christopher. “Just like Chris said, you’re our family too.”

There was no way Buck could say no now. He beams at Eddie, and winks down at Christopher who positively lights up at the special attention.

Ultimately he looks back at Shannon. “If you’re okay with it…”

“I am,” Shannon says. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have invited you.”

Buck laughs. “You got a point there. Okay. I’ll join you guys. But Bobby and Athena won’t be happy about it! They were counting on me to help with the feast they were preparing.”

Christopher cheers and Eddie looks genuinely happy about the news, as does Shannon. It’s not at all what Buck was expecting when Shannon walked in here, but he can’t say he’s upset with the turn of events.

Soon after Christopher and Shannon leave and it’s just Buck and Eddie left to man the table on their own, Chim having long since switched out to cover another station. 

“We’re going to go see Santa on Friday night,” Eddie says suddenly. “Just me and Chris.”

“Oh? Shannon’s not going to be there?” Buck asks, a little surprised.

“She has plans that night,” Eddie says. “Believe it or not, we’ve not integrated Shannon back fully into our lives. There are some things that I want to just be...me and Christopher.”

Buck nods, understanding that even if Shannon was back as Christopher’s mother, that didn’t make them a whole and happy family again. But they were trying, they were working towards a new kind of family.

“You should come with us,” Eddie says. “If you want to, that is.”

“I thought you wanted it to just be you and Christopher?” Buck asks, genuinely confused this time. Hadn’t Eddie just said he wanted to spend time with Christopher alone without Shannon too?

“Yeah but you don’t count,” Eddie shrugs like it doesn’t mean anything, but it does. It means everything to Buck. “You’re our best friend. We always want you around.”

Eddie must notice that Buck doesn’t say anything for a long while, just staring at his best friend in absolute awe. Eddie...wanted Buck with him and Christopher even when it was just supposed to be their time alone? Eddie felt like Buck was just...meant to be with them? That he didn’t count as company, didn’t count as someone else tagging along, because he was just meant to be with them?

He really was about to start crying in the firehouse.

“You don’t have to,” Eddie says suddenly, like he was worried there was any possibility on earth Buck would say no.

“I want to!” Buck blurts, a little too loudly, even as other patrons turn to look at them momentarily before going back to their own conversations. Buck lowers his voice, face red with embarrassment of just how enthusiastically he shouted that. “Sorry. Uh...yes. I want to go with you guys.”

Eddie’s face seems equally as red, but his eyelashes are fluttering, his mouth splits into a shy smile that he was obviously trying to hide but couldn’t. Buck felt like he was high on LSD again by just how pretty Eddie looked like this.

“Good,” Eddie murmurs under his breath. “Great. I’ll text you the details. Also about Christmas dinner too.”

They turn away from each other then, forced to go back to their jobs of taking in toys, but Buck’s eyes never strayed too far from Eddie’s form. If now and then he catches Eddie sneaking glances at him a couple of times too, he doesn’t mention it. 

The rest of the week goes by in a blur. Buck was just too excited about going to see Santa with Eddie and Chris that all of the Christmas emergencies they get seem dull in comparison. He distracts himself by helping Chimney pick out a tree for Maddie—which goes over just as well as Buck thought it might, which was to say, not great. 

The night he’s meant to meet Eddie at his house to go see Santa, Buck agonizes over what he’s supposed to wear. Should he break out his ugly Christmas sweaters? He knew Christopher would get a kick out of that. Or he could wear his soft plain maroon sweater that he knew made his eyes pop and stretched over his shoulders nicely. He nixed that idea, he was planning on wearing that outfit to the actual Christmas dinner. In the end, he settles on a pretty casual set of clothes, and hopes that Eddie also was going casual for this event.

He guessed right, thankfully, and Chris was the only one dressed to the nines in a Christmas themed sweater. 

“He’s the only one getting his picture taken,” Eddie explains on the drive over.

“Daddy’s claustrophobic,” Christopher says to the confusion of both Buck _and_ Eddie. He looks at them with innocent eyes. “It means he’s afraid of Santa Claus, right?”

Buck absolutely loses his shit at that, has to open the window to get some fresh air. Christopher laughs along, since everyone knows they’re laughing at Eddie’s expense, not Christopher’s. 

“Oh, come on, Eddie,” Buck encourages as they make their way towards the plaza where the Santa display is set up. “Just take one picture with him. Just one?”

Christopher dissolves into fresh giggles at the disgusted look on Eddie’s face. “Mommy said he threw up _three times_ when he went to go see Santa.”

“I was _sick!”_ Eddie pleads. “And he smelled like a dumpster, okay?”

“Well you’re not sick now,” Buck points out. “And I’m sure this guy doesn’t smell like a dumpster. Believe me, LA moms would not stand for that.”

Eddie still doesn’t look convinced, in fact, he even starts to slow his steps, falling back behind Buck and Christopher as they get closer to the Santa display. 

“Hey Buck, maybe you should stay here with dad and I’ll go talk to Santa by myself okay?” Christopher suggests.

Eddie suddenly looks ashamed for his own hesitancy. He moves forward. “Buddy, I can go with you to stand in line, okay? Daddy might be afraid but he’ll go anywhere with you, okay? Just for you.”

Christopher smiles but he shakes his head. “That’s okay, daddy. Besides, this is private! I have to tell Santa my wish and you guys can’t hear or it won’t come true.”

Buck and Eddie exchange a look, but ultimately Eddie decides to let Christopher stand in line by himself. They make their way over to a nearby fountain, far enough away that Eddie doesn’t have to see or smell Santa, but close enough that the both of them could keep their eye on Christopher at all times.

“You really have an amazing kid,” Buck says, sitting besides Eddie at the fountain, close enough that their thighs are touching. “I admire him. The way he loves to do everything by himself.”

Eddie sighs, his shoulders stiff. “He is amazing. I’m just worried about when the day comes when he doesn’t need me anymore.”

Buck shakes his head, his hand falling to rest between the crook of where Buck and Eddie’s thighs are touching. He uses his thumb to poke out at Eddie. 

“That’s not gonna happen,” Buck reassures him. “He’s always going to need you. And not because he has CP either. He’s always going to need you just like any little boy will always need his dad.”

Eddie doesn’t relax, even as he tries to, even as Eddie presses back, his shoulder pressing into Buck’s from behind. 

“I don’t need my dad like that anymore,” Eddie says. “Not anymore. I feel like I stopped needing him a long time ago. You can’t tell me you still need your dad.”

“That’s different,” Buck says. Because it is. There’s a big difference between Eddie and Buck’s fathers and how they treated them, versus the type of father Eddie is to Christopher. “You...you’re in a different league than them. My dad…” Buck really doesn’t want to go into this right now, but this is Eddie. The same Eddie who had been there through the rest of it, had witnessed it with his own eyes, felt the exact same way Buck felt. Eddie knew him, inside and out, and so Buck would choose to be honest with him. “My dad didn’t love me the way you love Christopher.”

All of the fight seems to leave Eddie then, as he turns around, taking his eyes off Christopher for the first time since they got here, to look at Buck.

“Buck…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Buck shakes his head. “You’ve seen it all. And...even if my dad did love me, in whatever backwards way, it doesn’t matter. I never felt it from him. But you...anyone in a ten mile radius can feel how deeply you love Christopher. That’s what a dad should be. And that’s why even as he grows older and gets even more independent and goes to college, or travels, or has a family of his own, he’s always going to need you. He’s always going to seek you out for advice or just to spend time together just the two of you. That love isn’t going anywhere. Trust me.”

Eddie’s eyes look glassy, or maybe it was just the reflection of the fountain spurting up water in patterns behind them. 

Eddie clears his throat, his hand twitching, just barely pushing against Buck’s hand. “Sometimes—um. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Once Christopher has made his own life. I feel like...like I’ve always had to be something for everybody. Respectful Son, Loyal Soldier, Faithful Husband and provider. The only one that ever felt right was being Christopher’s dad.”

Buck listens, reaching his hand forward to wrap around Eddie’s, not even caring to think about how they might look to others in that moment.

“So...so when Christopher has his own life...I’m afraid I won’t know who I am anymore. Like I’ll just be...nothing.”

“You don’t always have to be something for somebody. Maybe then you can just be yourself.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” Eddie admits, leaning more of his weight onto Buck which he gladly takes.

“Well, I know you. You're the kid who loves the thrill of baseball, running and sliding across home plate. You sing love songs under your breath when you think no one can hear you. Fireflies are attracted to your light.” He squeezes Eddie’s hand in his, looking back into a mesmerized gaze. With a laugh he continues, “You are the _least_ boring person I’ve ever met. You say the funniest things with such a deadpan face that it cracks me up. I’ve never laughed this hard with anyone else. You have a natural instinct to protect, not just your kid, but everyone. You make people feel loved.”

_You make me feel loved._

Eddie’s eyes are everywhere, roaming Buck’s face, searching for something.

Buck doesn’t know if he finds it, but when they hear Christopher calling out from behind them, they have no choice but to break the moment, standing up to go to him.

There’s a blonde woman in an elf costume assisting Christopher down the pathway back to Eddie. She smiles at Christopher and Eddie as Eddie bends down to pick Christopher up.

“Did you have fun, buddy?”

“Yeah! It was super fun.”

Buck reaches forward, patting the back of Christopher’s head affectionately. 

“You two have an adorable son,” the blonde elf remarks, a jolly smile on her face.

Buck freezes, glancing sideways at Eddie and Christopher who were standing there, having heard the whole thing. Buck didn’t know who the comment was aimed towards, him? Eddie? Both of them?

Eddie isn’t making eye contact—what is Buck supposed to do? Is he supposed to correct her? Tell her that Christopher isn’t his son? That they _aren’t_ the family that Buck wants them to be? The family that they apparently looked like to other people?

“Thank you,” Eddie says suddenly, giving her a smile. A _genuine_ smile too, not one of those awkward smiles when Eddie was just trying to save face, or trying to put on a picture of normalcy for Christopher.

It was real. 

The elf smiles at them, waves goodbye to Christopher and Eddie turns to walk off like normal. Buck stays rooted to the spot. 

Did Eddie mean what he said? 

Well, Eddie hadn’t actually _said_ anything, but he didn’t deny it. He didn’t deny that Christopher was _their_ son. And in that same way, he didn’t deny that _they_ were together. Those were the implications, and Eddie had _smiled_ about it.

Did that mean what Buck hoped it meant?

Eddie turns around. “Buck, you coming?”

Buck shakes his head, throwing himself out of the trance he’d found himself in, rushing off after them.

Buck doesn’t bring it up. Eddie doesn’t bring it up. Hell, even Christopher who was right there and heard everything, didn’t bring it up. Although the little boy did look curiously between the two.

In the end, the night ends without anybody bringing it up. Buck goes home and he falls asleep thinking about it, dreaming of Eddie’s face, wondering if maybe what he wanted was in the cards after all.

* * *

Buck gets to Eddie’s house on Christmas eve around 2pm. Which was _way_ earlier than he was expecting but apparently to cook all of the meat dishes, they needed to be dethawed and cooked early. Shannon had already started but when Buck got there he was tasked with taking over the other side dishes. At least the ones he knew how to do since he helped Bobby out last year. 

As they cook, Shannon tells him stories of her and Christopher from when he was younger, there were a handful about Eddie as well. It was all very cute, even some of them were stories he had heard before—the ones about Eddie at least. The stories about her and Chris, those were all new to him. 

Eddie sorta hovers in the doorway, watching Buck and Shannon as they talk. Buck meets his eyes a few times, raising an eyebrow when Eddie looks almost scared about him and Shannon being alone in the kitchen.

Was he worried about the embarrassing stories? Or was it just strange to him to have these two worlds collide that he never thought would happen? It was still strange to Buck for sure, but he was beginning to get used to it.

He liked Shannon, mostly. It was still hard to disconnect her from the woman he knew from the past, all the fights between her and Eddie that he’d witnessed, and the barbed words, the impatience. The hardest of all being when she left Christopher and Eddie. That wasn’t a kind of pain she caused them that Buck could forget.

They weren’t about to be best friends, Buck knew, but the least he could do was be cordial with her. Treat her with respect. That was the one thing the rest of Eddie’s family had never given her. And while Buck wasn’t technically Eddie’s family, he still didn’t want to make her feel like she was encroaching. If anything, Buck was the one on the outside. Christopher was her son, and Eddie was her husband. 

Maybe that’s why they were able to get along for the time they spent cooking. They both knew what it felt like to be one wanting into Eddie and Christopher’s family. 

Soon enough dinner was ready and Buck helped Shannon carry in all of the dishes to the table that Eddie and Christopher had set together.

Shannon takes a seat next to Christopher and Eddie sits down next to Buck.

“I’m _so_ hungry!” Christopher says, rubbing his hands together. “Can we eat now, dad?”

Eddie looks towards Shannon. “What do you say?”

“Why don’t we say what we’re thankful for first and then eat?”

“We did that for Thanksgiving though.”

Christopher’s got a point.

“It can’t hurt to say what you’re thankful for again,” Eddie tells his son. 

“Why don’t I start?” Shannon volunteers. “I just want to say that I’m very thankful to be here, eating with my family. I’m thankful to Eddie for giving me this second chance—” Buck sneaks a glance at Eddie who looked somewhat uncomfortable with what she was saying. Buck nudges a supportive knee against Eddie’s. “And I’m thankful for Christopher.”

Christopher beams, and that seems to melt whatever tension Eddie was holding in his shoulders. 

“Your turn, daddy!”

Eddie smiles at him. “I think Christopher just wants to hear how all of us are so thankful for him.”

Christopher giggles as do all the rest of the adults at the table.

“I’m grateful for my son, Christopher Diaz, every single day, but today especially,” Eddie says, reaching over and ruffling his son’s hair. “And...I’m also really thankful that I was able to join such a great team in the 118 this year.” 

He looks over at Buck, and Buck feels a bubbly feeling start in his spine, spreading all the way through his body. 

“I’ve definitely been a part of teams before, had brothers in battle before, but I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of a team that was such a close family before, who welcomed me and my son in from the very beginning and have supported us so freely as you all have.”

Buck smiles, knocking into Eddie’s shoulder. He expects Eddie to be done then, or maybe to move on to something else to be thankful for. Instead he bumps his arm back into Buck’s, smiling at him once again before saying, “I’m also thankful for you, Buck.”

Buck’s jaw nearly drops.

“I’ve never had a best friend before…” Eddie says, looking down. “But it feels like I’ve known you my whole life.”

They have known each other all their lives, Buck hears the message in his word.

Eddie turns away from him, suddenly shy, and unable to meet his eyes. “Anyway. Yeah. Thankful for my family.”

Three sets of eyes turn to him. 

“Oh! Uh…” Buck clears his throat. “I feel like I’m repeating everyone else here.” He laughs and starts again. “I’m thankful to have my sister back. It had been three years since I last saw her and I missed her a lot. So I’m glad to have her in my life again. I’m thankful that I was able to meet Eddie, and Chris of course—” he shoots a wink to his favorite boy who lights up. “I’m just happy that you both have accepted me so easily into your family. I’ve not had much family my entire life so…”

His eyes start watering and he knows he needs to wrap this up. “I’m thankful to Shannon for inviting me tonight.”

“Of course,” she smiles. “I wanted to formally meet the Amazing Buck that Christopher and Eddie kept talking about.”

Buck blushes into his sparkling cider.

“Christopher’s turn!” Shannon says, turning to the little boy by her side.

“We saved the best for last,” Buck says, leaning forward on his elbows so he could give Chris his full and undivided attention. 

“I’m thankful that Santa made my wish come true!”

“Oh yeah?” Eddie smirks. “And what was your wish?”

“Well...I actually made it a long time ago.” Christopher explains. “In class a month ago, we wrote letters to Santa Claus so that we could mail them and they would have enough time to get all the way to the North Pole…”

“Naturally,” Buck says.

“And I wished that I could have my _whole_ family for Christmas!” Christopher says, then points to Shannon and Eddie, “Mommy, daddy and—” he points to Buck— “Bucky! And we’re all here! Best Christmas ever!”

Buck’s jaw does fall open this time, so does Eddie’s. Shannon’s eyes are blown wide too and none of them have any words to say to that. 

Eddie is the first one to speak. “That’s...that’s a good wish, Christopher.”

“Right?” he says with a sly giggle. “Santa granted my wish last time when I asked for daddy to come home so I _knew_ he’d do it again this time!”

After that, Christopher was begging to eat, so they decided to start. But Eddie was barely eating, fork hovering over his food. His eyebrows are drawn together, eyes downward cast in a look of sorrow. It’s the regretful look Eddie wears on his face whenever he brings up how much he’s disappointed Christopher, how many years he lost with him. Years he’d never get back. 

How much it must hurt, to know that his son had been left at home, wishing to Santa Claus to have his dad back every year. 

Buck takes Eddie’s hand under the table without even thinking about it. Eddie, who seemed lost in his own thoughts, seems to come out of it, slowly. He looks down at their hands, and then back up at Buck’s face, giving him a small dejected smile.

Buck ends up catching Shannon’s eye when he turns away. She’s looking at them scrutinizingly, flickering back and forth between Buck and Eddie as she occasionally gets asked by Christopher to help with certain things like cutting his sweet potatoes or pouring the cranberry sauce _just_ right onto the side of his plate.

Christopher chatters away about how excited he is to go back to school after Christmas break. He’s never heard a kid being that excited for a break to _end._ But Christopher loves school, and he loves learning, something Buck extra admires about the kid. 

Shannon and Eddie also drum up conversation with Christopher, and Buck chimes in every now and then too, but he’s distracted tracking every little change on Eddie’s face, every shift in demeanor. He’s ready to dive back in, do whatever he can to comfort Eddie. 

After dinner, Eddie is the first to volunteer to get up to clean the kitchen, after setting up a Christmas movie for Shannon and Christopher to watch in the living room. Buck helps clear the table, moving back and forth between the kitchen and the dining room.

Eddie stands at the sink, slowly washing each dish meticulously—almost like he was buying time before he had to go back out and put on his Dad face for Christopher. 

Buck watches him silently, hands him dishes, dries and puts away the ones he finishes, goes back for more on the table. 

Buck touches a hand to Eddie’s back lightly, not trying to make conversation, just continuing with the casual touches, hoping that it’s reassuring to Eddie even in the slightest. 

One moment, as Buck is putting away a large serving dish on top of a high shelf, he hears Eddie murmurs near silently. “I didn’t know he did that. Wished for me to come home.”

“Of course he did,” Buck says back in a low voice as well. He knows Eddie’s trying to be inconspicuous, not to let anyone from the living room overhear him. “He loves you, of course he would want you back home with him.”

A fork under the water scrapes across a dish and Buck sees Eddie close his eyes again, jaw clenching tightly for a long moment. Slowly, his eyes re-open but they’re raw and red, irritated like he was trying hard not to cry. 

“I shouldn’t have abandoned him in the first place,” Eddie grunts, his voice gravely and rough. “He shouldn’t have had to wish for me to come back at all because I should’ve just been there—”

Buck goes to stand next to him, pressing his arm firmly into Eddie’s side. Eddie’s hands clench under the soapy water, so Buck reaches forward, taking the plate from his hand and washing it for him, placing it on the drying rack a second later. Eddie’s hands are shaking, still barely above the water line, so he takes a risk letting his fingers gently turn over Eddie’s until their wet fingers are slipping together under the water.

“I know this probably isn’t what you wanna hear,” Buck starts slowly. “But you did what you had to do, Eddie. What were you supposed to do? Keep working three jobs around the clock? Barely scraping by to feed them, pay off your house and cover Christopher’s medical bills? In a perfect world, being there for Christopher and for Shannon would’ve been enough but...the fighting, the struggle to live even remotely decently? That would’ve been there even if you hadn’t enlisted.”

Eddie’s hands are still shaking, his breath heavy and his eyes shut again. Buck strokes the wet skin of Eddie’s thumb. 

“The Army takes advantage of that...people in situations where they need the money and the benefits only they can give to survive. Doesn’t matter if it takes you away from your families or gets you killed.”

“I-I shouldn’t have—I shouldn’t—”

“You’re here now,” Buck tells him, pulling Eddie closer, looping his elbow over Eddie’s arm to draw him even closer to Buck’s side. “You’re here and you’re with him and you’re not going anywhere ever again.”

Eddie moves forward, letting his chin rest on Buck’s shoulder. He has to resist leaning forward and kissing Eddie’s forehead, no matter how badly he wants to. Eventually, Eddie’s breathing seems to slow down, his death-grip on Buck’s hand loosens and he pulls back, looking up at Buck with flustered eyes before he looks away.

Buck grabs a towel and wipes Eddie’s hands clean slowly, making sure to slide the cloth through every finger, drying every crevice. When that’s done, he squeezes both of Eddie’s hands between his, rubbing them together to warm them up.

“Go watch a Christmas movie with your boy,” Buck instructs. “I’ll finish cleaning up in here.”

“You don’t have t—”

“It’s literally just some utensils left, Eddie, barely anything.” Buck stands firm and Eddie looks at him and then nods, knowing Buck wasn’t going to back down from this. 

“Okay.” He takes a deep breath. “Okay. Yeah.”

Buck watches him as he goes, waits until he sees Eddie take a seat next to Christopher who has taken up most of the sofa since Shannon had stepped away to go to the bathroom, he assumed. He watched as Eddie slumped over, letting his son curl up against his chest as they continued watching _Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer._

Only then does Buck smile, turning back to finish cleaning the kitchen. He almost doesn’t notice when footsteps find their way back into the kitchen. He turns around, ready to tell Eddie to just give it up with the niceties and just go be with his son—

“Oh. Shannon. Sorry, I didn’t realize you came in.”

“Hey,” she says, hovering awkwardly by the door. “Just came to see if you needed any more help cleaning up? Or maybe setting dessert out?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, “Sure.”

Shannon gets the cookies out and Buck gets some mugs ready for everyone. It’s done in near silence, mostly, until Shannon says. “You’re good to him. Eddie, that is.”

“Oh. Uh…”

Buck doesn’t know what to say. How much had she heard? 

Shannon gives him a sweet smile. 

“He hasn’t had that much,” Shannon continues. “People who treat him with softness. Kindness. Not even I did that, I’ll admit. I was...just so focused on his absence that even when he _was_ there I was mad at him for all the times he wasn’t. I wasted a lot of our marriage that way…”

“...And then I left. I hurt Eddie and Christopher _so_ badly, and that’s entirely my fault. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully make amends for that. I’ve been trying to come to terms with it.”

“Shannon...” Why was she talking to him about this?

“I just…” Shannon shakes her head. “Our marriage is over, you know?”

Buck’s heart starts beating fast. There’s a sick churn in his stomach. 

Shannon continues, as if she didn’t notice the panic on Buck’s face. Maybe she hadn’t. 

“We both know it’s over, even if we’re both kinda dancing around it and all the formalities,” she says. “But even though we aren’t together anymore, I still care about him. I want what’s best for him, even if that’s not me. I’m just glad to see he’s found it.”

“Found what?” Buck finds himself whispering shakily.

“The partner he deserves,” Shannon says, yet again with a smile, before she turns away with the cookies in hand.

Buck stands still for a moment before he moves out to peek out at Eddie and Chris, the younger boy jumping for joy at the sight of cookies. He makes eye contact with Eddie who gives him a tender smile, his face fond and serene, like some quality cuddles with his baby was all he needed to feel better. Buck knew it would. Eddie nods his head for Buck to come over. 

Buck smiles, this time with a heart light and unburdened, and floats over to join his family.

*

31 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie and Shannon sit together at a cafe around the corner from Eddie’s house. He has his calendar out for the month of January and Shannon’s typing away at her computer. 

“Okay, so I was thinking that for the second weekend on the 18th and 19th you can have him both of those days,” Eddie says. “It would only be one overnight so it shouldn’t be too bad and you won’t need to take him to school at all either.”

“Eddie, I can handle one over-night with him. I’ve done it before.”

“I know, I know,” Eddie sighs. “Fuck. I don’t mean it like that—I know you can handle it.”

She rolls her eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose. “This is just the first night he won’t be spending with me in years. I’m just—”

“Freaking out?” Shannon asks. “I know. Separation anxiety is a bitch, right?”

 _Didn’t stop you from leaving,_ he thinks, but then immediately feels bad right after.

“Yeah,” Eddie takes a sip of coffee, hoping that somehow the caffeine will help him focus on anything other than worrying about Shannon’s overnight with Christopher. “Yeah. Anyway.”

“Hey Eddie?”

Gosh, she sounds just like Christopher. His easy and curious ‘hey dad?’s always abundant. 

“I think we should get a divorce.”

Eddie takes a deep breath, having seen this coming. It was really just a matter of who was going to be the first to bring it up.

With an exhale, he feels okay.

“Yeah,” he nods. “I think so too.”

Shannon nods too. 

They’re both quiet for a long moment, the hustle and bustle of the cafe keeping the air around them from getting too quiet and awkward.

“We’ve already got a good parenting plan pretty set up,” Shannon leans forward, tapping the dates on the calendar with her pen. “I think if we can maybe set up something a little more permanent, like 70/30 maybe? And we can do a rolling schedule to fit your days off and mine?”

Eddie nods. He still doesn’t like the idea of not having Christopher with him all of the time, but he knows that this was a far better parenting plan than he might’ve expected Shannon to give him. He had been so afraid, when she first called and wanted back into Christopher’s life, that she was going to want something like 50/50 custody, or even want him full time. Eddie couldn’t do that. He simply could not do that. And he didn’t know what he would do if he was forced into it by a judge.

At least, somehow, _blessedly,_ Shannon seemed to understand that. This was better for her too. An easier adjustment back into motherhood. Not full time, and not with the added weight of forcing herself to be Eddie’s wife either.

“Yeah, I think we can do that.”

Shannon nods, her lips pursing together. “Okay. It’s decided then. We’re really doing this then.”

“It was a long time coming.”

“It’s what we should’ve done in the first place,” Shannon says. “But I left. I was afraid and overwhelmed and ashamed and—” she starts to get a bit choked up but shoves it back down. “But that’s no excuse. I fucked up and I hurt you and Christopher. So I want to do this now, for both of you.”

“It’s for you too,” Eddie reaches forward, taking her hand. “As much as it’s for me. This is us finally doing what’s best for us, and best for Christopher.”

She smiles then, taking a sip of water and then clearing her throat. “Right. Well. I have a client meeting in an hour so I better get going. We’ll talk later about getting the forms sent over and signed. I want to get the ball rolling.”

“Me too,” Eddie says, and it’s the truth. Somehow, officially ending his marriage with Shannon doesn’t feel like a soul-shattering failure, a blistering wound to show that he couldn’t even keep his family together. This feels...freeing. Like unclipping wings he hadn’t even known had been bound in the first place.

Eddie stands up to meet her, giving her a light hug before she turns and leaves. 

Shannon keeps her promise, a few days later emailing Eddie the divorce papers, as well as a copy of the parenting plan and the child support agreement they had developed already signed and dated by her and her lawyer. 

Eddie gets it reviewed by a family lawyer recommended to him by Hen and Karen. Once this lawyer approves the divorce forms as well as the custody plan, Eddie signs, and for once, it doesn’t feel like a contract written in blood.

It was going to take a month at least for the divorce to go through and for the parenting plan to kick in but for the meantime Eddie was okay with Shannon’s visits with Christopher. There were times when Eddie was at work that she and Carla would take Christopher out for ice cream or the museum and his boy seemed to enjoy it a lot. As long as Christopher was happy, then Eddie was happy.

Tonight, however, Eddie and Chris were having a movie night with Buck and Christopher, as always, was in charge of picking the movie.

Buck comes over after picking up food, but he has his phone to his ear.

“Yeah, Maddie, I’m sure it’s fine, did you tell Athena?”

Buck waves at them as he puts the food on the table. He mouths an apology to them when Eddie raises an eyebrow. 

“No, I know,” Buck mumbles. “It’s suspicious and that’s why I’m saying you should—yeah, yeah, Chimney is going to tell you the exact same thing in just a second just watch.”

Eddie sets up the table, Christopher sitting in his spot happily awaiting his food.

“I’m just saying it can’t hurt to have some extra protect—Maddie? _Maddie?"_

Eddie stands up at the tone of Buck’s voice.

“Madd—” Buck hangs up. “Eddie, I’m so sorry, but something really weird just happened and I need to go check on Maddie.”

“Is she okay? What happened?”

“She was saying something about Doug not being in Pennsylvania anymore and then she was talking about Chim and then I swear I heard her yelp before the line went dead.”

“Okay,” Eddie immediately turns to get his keys. “Come on, I’ll go with you.”

“Eddie,” Buck stops him. “You have Christopher.”

“I can call Shannon—”

“No,” Buck’s answer is firm and Eddie...he relents. “It’s probably nothing. Just start without me and then I’ll come back and watch the movie with you guys okay?”

“Fine. But call me the second you get the all clear okay?” Eddie crosses his arms.

“I will,” Buck nods, before turning and rushing out the door right where he’d walked in. 

“Is Maddie okay?” Christopher asks quietly, seemingly spooked by how scared Buck had seemed just a moment ago.

“I’m sure she’s fine, buddy, don’t worry, okay?”

The two of them finish their dinner in relative silence, Eddie waiting by his phone for Buck to call him. 

He’s sure to save Buck at least two helpings and puts it back in the fridge for later. After that, he moves to set up the movie for Chris who complains that they can’t start yet because Buck wasn’t back. The truth was Eddie didn’t know when Buck would be back, and the fact that it had been a while and Buck still hadn’t called him back was freaking him out. 

He sent a quick check-in text message. When he still doesn’t get any messages back, he almost calls him again but then—

**_I have an adult male with multiple stab wounds to his torso. Need medical and police response._ **

“Buck?”

The vision of Christopher and his living room fades and then he’s standing in front of Maddie’s apartment, a passed out and bleeding Chimney on the ground in front of him.

“Daddy?”

But Eddie barely hears him. 

**_He's got profuse bleeding to his abdomen. Breathing is labored. Might have hit a lung._ ** Buck whimpers. **_Come on, Chim. Hang in there._ **

Buck talks to the 911 operator as he checks over Chimney. 

“Buck, where’s Maddie?” Eddie suddenly asks.

**_Oh shit—Maddie! Maddie!_ **

As the first responders pull up and take over helping Chimney, Buck rushes off into the house, screaming Maddie’s name. 

“Did you check her room? The bathroom?”

Buck checks all of those places. She’s not there. She’s not anywhere. 

**_She's—she's not here. She's gone._ **

Buck’s eye catches on all of Maddie’s stuff, still left in the apartment—which meant there was no way she left on her own. Eddie watches as Buck begins to panic. Athena shows up alongside another detective put in charge of Maddie’s case, and Buck tries to get them to go after Doug even though he has no proof. They ignore him and Eddie feels it boiling in Buck’s stomach—the urge to do something stupid, something reckless.

“Buck…”

Under the guise of changing his shirt, Buck sneaks back into the house, snatches Chimney’s phone under everyone’s nose and sneaks off to the hospital.

“Damn it, Buck!”

 **_It’s Maddie!_ ** Buck says. **_I’m sorry Eddie but I have to find her._ **

“Just—” Eddie grunts in frustration, “Just hold on. I’ll meet you there.”

“Daddy?”

Eddie looks over towards Christopher who was looking at Eddie with fear in his eyes. 

“Shoot. I’m sorry Christopher,” Eddie says, moving forward to bend on one knee in front of Christopher. “Listen...Auntie Maddie needs some help, so me and you are gonna go meet up with Buck at the hospital, okay?”

Christopher nods. “Okay.”

Eddie scoops him up, getting his coat and Eddie’s before helping Christopher put his shoes on. He grabs his keys and then sets Christopher up in the backseat up.

“Is Bucky okay?”

Eddie purses his lips, keeping hold of Christopher’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “He’s a little bit scared right now. That’s why we’re gonna go be with him. Help him feel better.”

Christopher nods like this makes sense. “Like when I have a bad dream and you come into my room and hold me and kiss my head and scare the monsters away?”

Eddie’s heart melts. What a perfect comparison. “Exactly, mijo. That’s exactly it.”

Eddie tries to force himself to focus on the road, and not on what he could see from Buck. It proves difficult especially when Buck makes a whole scene over Chimney’s hospital bed to get the man’s thumb print on his phone only to be caught moments later by Athena.

Eddie rolls his eyes. Of all the idiotic…

When he gets to the hospital Hen is already there, waiting with Bobby in the lobby. 

“Hey, what’s the update on Chim? He asks them.

“He’s still in surgery. They’re keeping him monitored but…” Bobby looks at Christopher in Eddie’s arms. “I think you might want to go talk to Buck. He’s being held in the hall by Athena over there.”

“Hen, can you—”

“I got Chris,” Hen says with a wary smile before she picks Chris up from Eddie’s arms and sits him down on the chair next to her. “Come on, big man, how’s it going?”

Eddie turns and walks off towards where Bobby indicated Buck would be.

The tall man barely fits on the hospital bench, and it doesn’t help that he’s slumping over, his entire frame weak and fragile.

Eddie takes a seat next to him, reaching a hand out to rest on Buck’s shoulder. “So...that was a bold move.”

“I know, I know.” But then he sits up, eyes red and rubbed raw as he turns to Eddie with hopeless eyes. “I told Maddie...I said that she didn't need to keep on running, that she could start over here, that she would be safe. That I would keep her safe. I couldn’t even do that right.”

“You didn’t fail her, Buck.” Eddie tells him, moving his hand down from his shoulder to rest on his upper forearm. “What if she had kept running? You think he wouldn't have found her? Only then, she'd be alone.”

“She's alone now, with him.”

Eddie can see that at any moment Buck was going to start crying again, so Eddie reached his other hand out, rubbing it against Buck’s back as Athena came back.

Buck perked up as Athena laid her plan out to go after Maddie, even though this wasn’t her case.

Buck looked back towards Eddie, almost like he was searching for something in Eddie.

“You go,” Eddie says, reaching forward and taking hold of Buck’s forearm again. “But if you need me...you know how to reach me, right?”

Buck knows he’s not talking about a simple phone call. He nods and then leans forward, capturing Eddie in a hug, not for Eddie, but for himself, like he was soaking up all the comfort he could from his touch.

And then he was off in Athena cruiser, leaving Eddie at the hospital to go find his son.

“Daddy? How’s Buck?” Christopher says as Eddie picks him up. 

“He’s okay, I went and talked to him and he’s going with Athena now.”

“Did you give him a hug and scare away the monsters?” Chris asks into Eddie’s neck as he carries him out of the hospital and back to his truck.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, holding Christopher tight just once before buckling him in and booping him once on the nose. “I gave him a big hug.”

“Did you give him a kiss on the forehead?”

Eddie blushes, the corners of his mouth turning down. “Uh...no. Didn’t get a chance.”

“Okay, you’ll just have to do it when he comes back.”

Eddie gets into the front passenger seat and takes Christopher home. Along the way he sees Buck and Athena make their way to the downtown dispatch center, talking to the operators—Maddie’s friends—who had taken the call. 

When they get home, Christopher’s already passed out in the back seat. The only reason Eddie is able to fall asleep is because even though he can’t physically be there with Buck, he can still keep an eye on him.

The next morning Eddie takes Christopher to school and then heads to the hospital, waiting with practically everyone else from their station. He hangs out there all day, only leaving to pick Christopher up from school to take him back to the hospital with Eddie. He takes his eyes off Christopher for one moment and the kid goes wandering off, Eddie finds him in Chimney’s room after a moment of panic, but it quickly subsides as he sees Chimney’s doing well.

Later in the afternoon Shannon stops by with pizza. 

“So, how’s he doing?”

“Chimney? He’s awake.”

She laughs lightly. “No. Buck. It’s his sister who’s missing right?

Eddie sighs, leaning forward. “Yeah. He’s not—he’s not doing so well. He’s freaking out and I can’t—I can’t help him.”

Shannon hums. “I know what that’s like. That feeling of uselessness. I’m sure he’s feeling it too.”

“They’re tracking her but they keep losing the trail. I’m just worried about him. About what might happen if they…” he swallows. “If they don’t find Maddie. Or if they do but just...not in time.”

“Do you want me to take Christopher tonight? Just let me know what I can do and I’m there.”

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I...I think I’d like to have him with me. He’s...he’s a good luck charm. Makes everyone feel better.”

She smiles. “That he does.”

Buck and Athena manage to track Maddie all the way to Big Bear. It’s the tense car drive and Buck’s own nervous and terrified energy that gets to Eddie the most, even late into the afternoon when Shannon leaves and the rest of the crowd in the waiting room thins out. 

Eddie debates taking Christopher home again, and then decides it’s better if he does because if they come back from Big Bear Eddie can always come back to the hospital.

Eddie sits on his couch, head in his hands, listening and focusing on Buck. Every now and then he whispers incoherently to Buck, words of comfort that he hopes eases the panic that has only been steadily rising the more time it took for them to find Maddie.

He feels a hand on his back and looks up. “Hey, buddy. What’s up?”

Christopher takes a seat beside him. “Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you and Buck read each other’s minds?” Christopher asks like he was simply asking about a question for his history homework.

Eddie sits up straighter, and he wonders if Buck is hearing this, or if he was too caught up in his worry for Maddie. Eddie understood if it was the latter.

The question was, what was he supposed to say to Christopher? No one had ever point blank asked him about what he and Buck could do. Sometimes he’d get weird looks if he was in public or forgot to be discreet in what he said to Buck. But of course it was Christopher asking, the boy was nothing if not observant, he’d heard him and Buck talk telepathically before-he had just assumed like any kid would that Eddie had been talking to an imaginary friend. But now that Christopher knew Buck was real, he didn’t know what other excuse to use.

“Why do you ask that, Chris?”

“Because you were talking to him yesterday, after he left. It was like you were seeing something that I couldn’t. Like you could hear him and he could hear you even though he wasn’t there.”

 ** _Eddie…_** Buck mumbles under his breath. It’s quiet, so as not to alert Athena, but it’s there. It’s permission.

Eddie pulls Christopher up onto his lap.

“Well, Chris, you’re right.” He says simply, figuring the truth was the best way to go about it. And the truth was, he’d never had to explain it before to anyone and he didn’t know how to do it now. “Sometimes...your Buck and I...we can hear and speak to each other. Even when the other is not around.”

“You can read minds?”

Eddie laughs, shaking his head. “Nope. We’ve never been able to do that. But I think that was a good limitation. Sometimes people have weird thoughts and they want to keep them private.”

Buck chuckles under his breath.

“Can you do it all of the time?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No… it comes and goes. Sometimes, if I try really hard, I can see what he sees...other times, it happens on accident, or when something really big happens.”

“Like last night?”

Eddie nods. “Exactly, like last night.”

“Can he hear me now?”

**_Yes._ **

“Yes.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“All you have to do is just talk,” Eddie says, running a hand through Christopher’s curls, knowing that it was something both he and Buck liked to do for its calming effects. “And he will hear you.”

“Okay…” Christopher smiles. “Buck?”

Eddie feels the warmth spread through Buck.

“He hears you.”

“Bucky!” Christopher smiles jovially. “I miss you a lot. I hope you find Auntie Maddie and bring her back, and then you can come home and we can watch the movie you missed and Daddy can give you a kiss on the forehead.”

Eddie nearly chokes. He hears Buck’s stifled amused laugh on the other hand.

“Uh…” Eddie tries to find something else to move on from that _extremely_ embarrassing statement. “You know, Chris...Buck can also feel you.”

“He can?”

“Yeah,” Eddie explains. “For example, if you hold my hand...Buck will feel it like you’re holding his hand.”

Christopher immediately takes his hand, squeezing it and holding it to his chest.

“Can you feel me, Bucky?”

Buck turns and looks out at the rearview mirror, Eddie catches a glimpse of his face. Red eyed and splotchy faced, he looked rough. Worn thin. He nods and Eddie smiles.

“He can feel you.”

Christopher then jumps into Eddie’s arm, squeezing him tight as can be. If Eddie’s heart is overflowing, he’s sure Buck’s is to. As Eddie wraps his arms around his son, he feels the tension in Buck’s chest lift, replaced by a smidgen of warmth and comfort. 

He hears Buck sigh, feels the way Buck wraps his own arms around himself so it feels like Eddie’s caught in a three way hug smushed between the two people he loved most in the world..

“I love you, Bucky.”

Buck makes a cracked noise and Eddie can’t help but break into a smile. He pulls back, smoothing a hand over Christopher’s soft chubby cheeks.

**_I…_ **

“He said he loves you too,” Eddie reassures him, telling Christopher at the same time as letting Buck know that he was fine with what just happened.

**_I do...Thank you._ **

**_Buck—_ ** It’s Athena’s voice. **_We’re almost there. Just another five minutes._ **

And just like that Buck’s attention is back solely on finding Maddie. Christopher asks for a play by play, but Eddie wasn’t really comfortable giving his son all of the details about the rental cabins Athena and Buck looked through, trying to find the one that Doug had been holding Maddie captive in. Especially not when someone calls out that they’ve found a trail of blood and Buck books it, running through the freezing snow at top speed, shouting Maddie’s name.

He runs through the forest, not caring at all about the cold, and when Buck finally locks eyes with a bleeding and limping Maddie, Eddie lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“He found her,” Eddie simply tells Chris who cheers and jumps back into Eddie’s arms, hugging him tightly just as Buck swoops Maddie into his arms, sinking to the ground as they both cried their eyes out.

Buck accompanies Maddie to a hospital near Big Bear and then helps her get transferred to the same hospital as Chimney. That’s when Eddie takes Chris with him to go meet them there.

While everyone is off visiting with Maddie or Chimney, Eddie takes the moment to find a moment alone with Buck. Or well, a moment alone with Buck and Chris.

Christopher immediately wants to hug Buck, and the taller man cradles Christopher in his arms, leaning in to kiss his head. 

“Your hugs made it so much better,” Buck tells him. “I can’t thank you enough, Christopher.”

“It was Daddy!” Christopher tells him. 

Buck laughs wetly, still a little congested from all the crying he did. He looks up at Eddie through wet and shy eyes. “I guess you know your daddy’s and my secret, huh?”

“Uh huh!” Christopher says cheerily. “But don’t worry. I won’t tell!”

Eddie leans forward, pressing a hand to Christopher’s back.

Abuela comes later to pick Christopher up so Eddie could have a chance to talk to the rest of everybody before heading home. 

Buck and Eddie sit side by side in the uncomfortable hospital chairs, their thighs touching. 

“I’m sorry if I wasn’t supposed to tell him,” Eddie says.

“He guessed,” Buck says with an easy smile. “He’s just smart like that.”

“I know...it’s just...we’ve never told anyone about this. _I’ve_ never told anyone about this.”

“Me neither,” Buck answers honestly. “But if there’s anyone I’m glad knows, it’s Christopher. It feels freeing almost...to have him know.”

“Why?” Eddie laughs. “So we can talk all the time without him thinking we’re crazy?”

“Exactly.” Buck bumps his shoulder. “But seriously...thank you guys. For being there for me. You...I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through it without you and Christopher. I heard all the words you said.”

“Oh,” Eddie grumbles, hiding his reddening face in his hand. Buck grabs it, peels it away from Eddie’s face and then brings it forward so their hands are interlocked on Buck’s lap. 

“You know…” Buck starts slowly. “I think somebody mentioned I was promised a forehead kiss?”

Eddie groans again, but this time Buck laughs brightly, shrugging it off and pretending like he was just kidding. 

But as the evening comes to a close and Eddie makes to head home for the night, and Buck was planning to stay longer with Maddie, Eddie grabs his hand and pulls him a bit closer for a hug. As Buck melts into him, Eddie turns his head, placing his lips lightly against Buck’s temple. 

He didn’t know where he got the courage from, or what on earth possessed him to do it, but Buck was the one who brought it up, and Eddie didn’t break promises to Christopher. 

He pulls away from Buck, heart beating wildly even as Buck stares at him with wide and unending ocean eyes. 

Eddie takes another step, and then another two away, not really turning his back until he makes it to the glass doors.

“Goodnight,” Eddie says.

“Good night,” Buck says, voice echoey like he barely even registered himself saying it.

In bed that night, he feels the tickle of a hand crawling up his arm until he feels fingers caressing his face, along his jawline. Eddie had been having a hard time falling asleep, but with Buck’s soft drawing of his fingers over his cheeks, over his eyelashes, down the bridge of his nose—the touchless touch and the echo of the constant beat of bliss lulls Eddie into a peaceful slumber. 

**_Goodnight, Eddie._ **

* * *

Having Chim as interim captain is...an experience. It’s not that Chim doesn’t know what he’s doing, it was just that...well he liked the ‘being the boss’ part, but not so much the part where he needed to direct the team on calls and not just dive into his own little corner the second they arrived on a scene.

Eddie doesn’t so much mind the bossing around part. He knows that Chim doesn’t mean anything malicious by it, even though it annoys the hell out of Buck and Hen. Yeah, the power seemed to be getting to Chim’s head a bit, but it wasn’t overly ridiculous. They still got the job done.

He was still waiting for the day Bobby returned. Watching Buck and Chimney puff their chests at each other for absolutely no reason was kinda hilarious, but also Eddie just wanted to return to some sort of normalcy. 

Eddie’s divorce was still a month and a half away from being finalized, but in the meantime he was allowing Shannon to continue having her time with Christopher. 

It didn’t help that on those days Eddie always found himself thinking about Chris, what he and Shannon were doing together, if he was okay, if she was taking care of him properly. He felt bad for still second-guessing Shannon’s parenting. They had been getting along better these past several months since they officially signed the divorce papers. It was like without the pressure of forcing themselves to be married and to be the perfect husband and wife...they could actually be friends. So he was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but still he asked Abuela to tag along sometimes if she could, or had Carla helping her out on the days Shannon had Chris—on Eddie’s dime still of course.

It’s made worse when the bombings start. They get calls to homes, calls to parks and to schools. Eddie finds himself constantly paranoid every time a bomb scare call comes in that it’ll be somewhere Christopher is. The call at the school was the worst one. 

He had Shannon text him every hour just to make sure they were okay. It seemed to irritate her a bit, Eddie knew it because he could hear the frustration in her voice whenever he called soon after a text from her came through.

Christopher seemed to be doing well with the new routine. He liked going to Shannon’s house, and he likes spending time with her. The days Eddie would go to pick him up he would spend half an hour straight just filling Eddie in on all the things they did together.

He hoped that one day he would stop being so paranoid, stop worrying every single second that if he didn’t have someone with Shannon at all times when she had Chris that she would just...he didn’t know, abandon him alone at a park or something. He hated those thoughts, and tried to push them out of his head. Shannon had been working really hard on her own issues but still Eddie couldn’t help that he still didn’t completely trust her. 

It ate away at him. The guilt for not believing in her anyway, the way she would sigh whenever they facetimed so he could see Christopher. “It’s my time with him, Eddie,” she would say, and he knew that, he _did,_ he just—

He didn’t have much of a life when Christopher wasn’t there. He’d tried throwing himself into his work, working extra shifts with the 118, and that was fine enough. Helped to get him out of his head momentarily—except for the times when they had calls related to kids or to mothers, or to fathers losing their kids or vice versa. 

It was like everything was triggering him.

In those moments, somehow, inexplicably, he’d find Buck’s hand on his shoulder, giving him a little squeeze, a little reminder that everything was okay. Christopher was fine. Shannon wasn’t going to leave him again.

Not this time.

No matter what the little voice in his head sounded like, no matter how much it resembles his parents— _She left him, and I will always blame her for that—_ he pushed it away. He needed to rebuild his trust in Shannon.

He just didn’t think it would be this hard. 

It’s been a rough morning, but Eddie’s spirits are in a better place because Carla is picking Christopher up from school this afternoon and then once his shift ends he’d have two days off with Christopher. 

Buck is in the kitchen at the station, eating a piece of chocolate from the boxes that the chocolate factory had sent them the other day after they pulled a man from a vat of melted chocolate.

“I thought we _weren’t_ eating food given to us by civilians anymore?” Eddie asks. “Did we not learn our lesson with the fudge?”

Buck throws the wrapper at him. “This isn’t from a civilian, it’s from a factory. And it’s all pre-packaged, no LSD here!”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, reaching over and grabbing a small package. “You think Chris would like some? After I thoroughly check them out myself of course.”

“Oh of _course_ ,” Buck rolls his eyes with a shimmering smile. “And obviously Chris will like them—oh, but here!” He grabs the one Eddie had in his hand and switches it out with a larger one. “Give him these. They have more milk chocolate and caramel. The one you had has more nuts and I know you guys don’t like those as much. Unless your goal is to get Chris to _not_ eat the chocolate.”

Eddie laughs, reaching to pat Buck on the shoulder as he passes him, his fingers lingering there for a short moment as Bobby comes up the stairs. 

“Has anyone seen the—”

The bell rings at that exact moment and everyone rushes off. Buck passes Bobby with a pat on his shoulder saying, “Nope. Haven’t seen it.”

They arrive on the scene on the corner of Rose Avenue. A car drove through a crowd of people at a crosswalk and there were multiple injuries sustained. They weren’t the only team on the site, but as soon as they arrived, Chim assigned him and Buck to check the driver for injuries. 

The girl, who looks barely older than a freshman in college, is shaking and crying, trying to tell them how she lost control of the car. Eddie and Buck are trying to get her to relax so Eddie can start with the safety precautions to get her out of the crushed car and to the hospital safely.

“T-There was a lady. Is she okay?”

Buck slips out of the passenger side door and looks over. His entire demeanor shifts, eyes wide and face crest-fallen. Eddie, who had been trying to continue his work on the driver, notices and it worries him. Buck never lets himself get that distracted on the job. Not for things like this.

“Buck? What’s going on?”

Buck turns back to him, and he knows that look. There’s devastation, and more than that, piercing concern. But not for himself but for—

Eddie pulls out of the driver’s side door and looks over to the crosswalk where there’s a crowd of people surrounding the silhouette of a woman lying on the ground. Hen is crouched over the woman, her brown hair smattered with blood. 

Chimney turns to look back at Eddie, making eye contact and then finally Eddie can see the face of the woman lying on the ground. 

Shannon.

Blood rushes in his ears, the beat of his pulse deafening like pounding drums.

His bag clatters as his legs take off towards her on their own.

“Eddie! Eddie, wait!” Buck tries to stop him from getting too close, but Eddie shoves him off. He picks up the pace and Chimney throws his whole body in front of Eddie to get him to back off but he can’t. He can’t, he _can’t_ that’s his wife—that’s Christopher’s mother—

“Shannon!” Eddie crouches down over her broken form. Her eyes are barely open, the color slowly draining from them, joining the mixture of blood that was congregating in a pool surrounding her head.

“Eddie?” Shannon murmurs, her eyelids fluttering. She tries to lift her arm, but she can’t. “Are you really here?”

Eddie’s bottom lip quivers and he sucks it into his mouth, forcing the wave of pain down. He can’t do this here, not now. 

“Spinal injury?”

“Vitals trending downward,” Hen says. “We gotta get her to the hospital now or she’s not going to make it.”

He hears it in the tone of her voice, and sees it in the pity in her eyes. Hen doesn’t believe Shannon will make it, even if they did get her to the hospital.

They load her up onto the backboard and get her into the ambulance but then Hen calls to intubate her and Chimney is standing in front of him again.

“If that tube goes in, it might not come out.”

His eyes fill with tears, brow drawing forward. She can’t die. She can’t _die._ Christopher just got his mother back he—

She _promised_ she wouldn’t leave them again.

He doesn’t know what’s showing on his face but Chimney whips around, ordering Hen not to intubate Shannon and then ushers Eddie inside the ambulance.

“Get in there and say goodbye to your wife.”

 _Ex-wife._ It hits Eddie then...he was divorcing her. They...they weren’t married still and Eddie—god he had wasted so much of her life, and then he resisted her having time with Christopher and now...

Now she was dying and it felt like it was entirely his fault.

If only he hadn’t been so focused on himself in El Paso, worried about their house and the money and the bills and the surgeries and _himself._ If he had just listened to her, said yes when she wanted to leave...maybe none of this would’ve happened. 

It all came back to Eddie and every wrong choice he’d made after another. All of it led to this and now…

“Leaving again...I’m so sorry,” Shannon says. “I wanted…” she gasps, struggling to breathe. “A l-little more time.”

Eddie grasps her hand, resting his head down on it as he struggles not to just completely lose it on the spot. He was in uniform, but more than that...he wasn’t supposed to cry. He wasn’t supposed to show weakness...not in front of his dying wife—ex-wife—and not in front of his kid. Not in front of anybody. But he wanted to cry, and could feel the thick boulder he’d swallowed in his throat getting bigger and bigger the harder he fought to keep any tears from falling.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie shakes his head. “I should’ve...I should’ve been better to you. I—” he swallows. He hadn’t said the words to her in years, hadn’t meant them the way he was _supposed_ to mean them in even longer. But Shannon was dy—Shannon needed to hear them, and she needed to hear it from Eddie. “I love you. Christopher loves you so much.”

“I...love….l-love you both…”

She gasps for air again and this time she doesn’t seem to find it. Eddie hears the familiar sound of a flatline as Shannon’s eyes fall shut and her hand goes limp in Eddie’s.

He sits back, numb and empty as Hen and Chimney work on her over him—around him. He sits there like a rusted gargoyle, he was supposed to protect the people he loved, instead all he could do was sit there and decompose in his uselessness.

He manages to stand up when they reach the hospital, manages to stand around, watching as the emergency room doctors try to save her. But everyone knows it’s too much. It’s performative at this point, to show that they at least tried. 

They let him see her body one last time. 

He stands there, paralyzed, looking over the dead body of the woman he was supposed to protect. He was supposed to have her back, he was supposed to trust her. He was supposed to love her like a man is supposed to love a woman.

In the sea of grey Eddie existed in, the only emotion he could feel flowing through him, like a red hot poison, was shame.

How was he supposed to go home and tell Christopher that his mom was gone? They had been working so hard to build up their relationship again—Shannon was finally becoming his mother again and now she was just—she left. 

It felt like payback. That thought left him feeling the same familiar pang of guilt, but that didn’t diminish the feeling regardless. It felt like the universe wanted to punish him again, remind him that no. He wasn’t meant to have a complete family, he wasn’t meant to be happy. The universe wanted back at Eddie for all the mistakes he made, and it got back at him by taking Shannon away. Leaving Christopher without a mother again, and Eddie with a shell of a heart. 

They give him Shannon’s things, a baggy with everything in it she had on her body.

He has to walk out of the ER in front of everyone, his whole team, his whole firehouse, who all had front row tickets to Eddie’s misery.

He sees Buck out of the corner of his eye, sees how the man moves to reach for him, but at the last second thinks against it and pulls back, forcing himself back into the lineup of people standing around him.

A figure emerges from the sliding glass doors—Bobby. The man steps forward, opening his arms and Eddie can’t help but to fall into them, accepting the hug.

He has to go pick up Christopher after that, but on the way there, he stops by Shannon’s place, looking for the letter she mentioned she wrote for Christopher. He finds it in a box of her things. It wasn’t hard to find, given that it was in a box marked El Paso with the only things she had taken with her from their old house.

Then...he tells Christopher.

He tries to explain it in a way that Christopher could understand. He was still so young, still so impressionable. He doesn’t know if Christopher completely gets what’s happened, but he vows that he’ll answer any of his questions, hell, he’ll put him in therapy if that will help him. And he’ll do his damnedest to make sure that Christopher always knows that his mom loves him, even if she’s in Heaven now.

They stayed the night at abuela’s house that night. It was just easier; Eddie couldn’t bring himself to cook or clean. At around 5 in the morning, when he can’t sleep, he sneaks out quietly, gets in his truck and heads to the beach. 

There he pulls out Shannon’s letter and reads it as the sun rises in the distance.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, crying his entire heart out, sobs punching through his chest like bullets as he struggles to breath. When he feels a set of strong arms wrap around him, he doesn’t even question how Buck knew he was here, or how he found him. Instead, he just lets Buck hold him, lets Buck stroke his face, wipe away his tears as he cries into his chest. 

Soft fingers rake through Eddie’s hair and Eddie squeezes Buck so tightly that neither of them could really breath. But it was okay, because it was them. Later, when Eddie’s able to breath again without hiccuping, and he’s able to release some of the pressure around Buck, he buries his face in Buck’s neck, presses his nose against his pulse and inhales the scent of Buck—alive—and holding him in his arms.

It felt like the only good choice he’d ever made was deciding to come here to Los Angeles. It brought him closer to Buck, gave Christopher the chance to have his mother back, even just for a little while. He tried to focus on that, and not on the aching pain of knowing Shannon left again and this time there was no way Eddie could follow her. 

Buck hadn’t said a single word since he’d joined him on the beach. 

“Buck…”

“Shh, you don’t have to say anything,” Buck tells him gently, running the soft pad of his thumb against Eddie’s jaw line. “I’ve got you, okay? As long as you need, I’ve got you.”

And that almost makes him burst into tears again. He scrunches his face, clenches his eyes shut tight and keeps his arms wrapped around Buck, soaking in the comfort the younger man always seemed to be able to provide him.

He tries not to feel guilty about feeling better. About allowing Buck to help him feel better. Eddie shouldn’t be feeling alright, letting someone who wasn’t his wife hold him and comfort him. And yet, here he was. And he hated himself just a little bit more for it.

He feels a set of lips against his forehead and they linger there, Buck’s hands drifting up and down and along Eddie’s back, setting off tingles, reminding Eddie that he was still alive too. Even if just barely. 

So what if Eddie lets himself sag into Buck’s body, lets his eyes flicker shut and lets himself slip from consciousness. If he lets himself fall asleep in his best friend's arms, no one has to know other than the two of them, and Shannon if she was looking down over them.

Wherever she was.

* * *

Eddie’s parents fly in for the funeral, as do a lot of his extended family members, and it would be hilarious if it wasn’t just so depressing. 

His parents had never liked Shannon, called her _that gringa_ and always made her feel like she wasn’t worthy to take care of Christopher. He knew they treated her that way because they treated Eddie that way too. 

And now they were here for Shannon’s funeral, paying their respects like they ever held any respect for her when she was alive. 

Buck manages to get the day off to come to Shannon’s funeral. He sits in the back, even though Eddie desperately wants to stand up, grab his hand, and pull him to the front pew next to Eddie where family sits. Instead Eddie sits with Christopher on his right and his parents on his left, listening and also not listening as a priest gives a general spiel about Shannon’s life and death.

The 118 aren’t able to come to the wake the next day, but Buck tells him he’ll be there where it matters most whenever Eddie needs him as he tapped two fingers to his temple.

He appreciates it, having Buck linger in his head, sending him flashes of whatever calls they were on that day to help distract him from his family and their pitying looks and their comments.

He almost thinks he could make it through the day, but then his mom starts harping on _again_ about Eddie and Christopher moving back to El Paso and he’s _this_ close to losing it.

“Christopher hasn’t been here long enough to put down roots,” his dad says. “He spent the first six years of his life in El Paso. With us.”

And there it is. His parents want Christopher back under their noses so that _they_ can raise him, so that they finally have an excuse to force themselves back into Christopher’s lives and take over as his parents. 

Well _fuck_ that.

“Being with me is what’s best for Christopher. I chose this life for a reason.”

“You can choose another one.”

Eddie doesn’t even dignify that with a response. He spends the rest of the day hanging around Christopher and the family members who actually _listen_ to what he wants. 

In the end he has to go back to work. His extended family flies back home several days later but his parents decided to stick around for a few weeks, citing they wanted to stay for Eddie’s induction ceremony. If that’s what they want to tell themselves, fine. But Eddie was grateful to go back to work, because it meant he didn’t have to spend his time showing his parents around.

Going back to work is easy, familiar. Being by Buck’s side again, being his partner makes Eddie feel like he could pretend things were starting to feel normal again. Once Bobby was back (which it looked like could be any day now) it would all be as it should.

The bell catches Eddie at an odd time, right as he was exiting the bathroom, so he has to rush to get onto one of the last seats in the second ladder truck, Buck already in the front seat of the first one. 

Everything is fine until they hear dispatch trying to connect them with Bobby—which didn’t make any sense. Why would Bobby try to communicate with them over dispatch? And why now of all times?

And then the bomb goes off.

Buck’s leg is crushed under 50,000 pounds of ladder truck. And it feels like losing Shannon all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -Existential crises  
> -Panic attacks (involving themes of abandonment, war, etc.)  
> -Maddie's kidnapping/Chim's stabbing (not too graphic about what happens to her, but warning for it anyway)  
> -Shannon's canonical death


	12. flow gently for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving right along into season 3! Another long chapter~
> 
> Chapter title from the song "Deliver Us" from The Prince of Egypt.
> 
> TW's in end notes

29 Years Old: Buck 

Waking up is not fun at all in the slightest. He feels like he weighs a million pounds, plastered to the bed with no way of picking up his arms or legs. It takes him a moment to realize where he is, the blinding lights make him want to shut his eyes again almost immediately, but he keeps them open.

Carla is there and she—she tells him the fire truck crushed his leg. He doesn’t believe it at first, but then the memories come back. The bomb, the excruciating, all-consuming pain, the civilians who rushed forward to lift the truck off of him.

And his leg—it—

It’s there, but it’s not. Buck can feel it, but he can’t move his leg. It feels heavier than the rest of his body. Numb, like a phantom limb that wasn’t a phantom limb but was essentially a phantom limb.

A doctor comes in, explains to him that he’ll walk again, but work...well, he couldn’t say for sure. 

Carla tries to calm him down, tries to tell him to just be grateful that he’s alive but...how could he be grateful to be alive if it meant he’d lost the only thing that really made him worthwhile? If he couldn’t work—it was like he was nothing.

“Buck!”

Christopher comes running in and for a moment, Buck forgets that his life was essentially ending.

The little boy makes it all the way to the edge of his bed before his father comes rounding the corner. When he sets eyes on Eddie, the man’s sunken in eyes, red-rimmed and bloated, it comes rushing over him all over again.

“Eddie—” Buck chokes and Eddie comes forward. Carla had moved out of the way, letting Eddie take her place. Eddie takes his hand, slowly, like he was afraid Buck would shatter if he so much as laid a finger on him. 

“Maybe we should give them some privacy,” he hears his sister—when did Maddie come in?—say to Carla. 

Buck’s not really paying attention to them. Christopher moves over to sit in Eddie’s lap and he takes the same hand that Eddie was holding.

Buck is trying to blink away tears. No one is really saying anything. Buck can’t make the words form. He can’t say how terrified he’d been, how the pain had been so severe he had almost wished for death so that the torment would stop. How the pain meds were slowly fading and the ache was starting to come back.

He’d almost died. Within a few weeks of Eddie losing Shannon, Buck almost died on him. Almost left him and Christopher alone with no one.

“I’m sorry,” Buck croaks, reaching out, running a thumb along Eddie’s jawline. He could blame it on morphine later. “I—”

“Shh,” Eddie says, leaning forward. “You don’t have anything to be apologizing for. You’re the one who got hurt and—”

“I shouldn’t have—not after Sh—” He can’t even get the words out. “I didn’t mean to—scare you and Chris—”

Eddie shuts his eyes tight, using his free hand to swipe away a couple of runaway tears. 

“Can I sit with you?” Christopher asks. Eddie looks to Buck for permission. 

“Of course, buddy, I would love that.”

Eddie helps Buck hoist Christopher onto the bed, careful not to force Buck to move too much. He keeps his arm wrapped around Christopher. 

“I feel better already,” Buck says, kissing Christopher’s hair. “Thank you, Chris.”

“That’s what best friends are for,” Christopher says. 

Eddie stays still and silent, watching Christopher and Buck together, his hands not far from Buck’s. 

“Hey Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want me to teach you how to use crutches?”

It’s a sweet offer and he should be grateful. But he can’t help the resentment—at himself—that washes over him. He’d fucked everything up. He might not ever get to go back to work. Then what was he supposed to do? He—he couldn’t go back to _bartending_ or—or waiting tables or—

The thought made him sick. If he couldn’t be with the 118, if he couldn’t see Eddie every day, couldn’t be his partner anymore—

“Hey,” Eddie leans forward, cupping his face. “Buck. Take a breath.” He mimics the pattern of breathing and Buck forces himself to follow along. Soon enough he starts to feel less tight in his chest.

“Yeah, Chris.” Buck chokes out. “I’d like that.”

* * *

He regrets getting an apartment with stairs. The only saving grace was that Buck had a bathroom downstairs as well as upstairs so when he had to force himself up from his couch, he didn’t have to go crawling upstairs to pee. 

It took him a couple of weeks to get out of the hospital, and Maddie had stopped by to help him get home on his crutches. Christopher had taught him the best way to grip to make moving easier, and it surprisingly helped. Eddie wanted to be the one to help get him home but he had a shift. It was the first shift back with Bobby reinstated as captain. Buck couldn’t help but be envious. He had been waiting for Bobby to come back, and all it took was blowing off Buck’s leg to get him back.

And Buck didn’t know if he would ever even get to go back. The rest of the team was whole, intact, and Buck? He was here. Alone at home because Maddie had to go to work and Carla had another client that day (not that Buck was going to be hiring her as an aid for himself—she offered!) 

He was supposed to be keeping off his leg which wasn’t that hard, but he just never realized how many little things required so much effort. If he accidentally left the laptop charger across the room after he’d already settled on the couch with his pillows then he’d have to either make do with 20% battery or he’d have to haul himself up, gritting his teeth the whole way, until he could go get it himself. 

Eddie’s induction ceremony to be an official firefighter for the LAFD was on Friday. Buck was insistent on going, even when Eddie and Maddie both were trying to force him to stay home. No, he wasn’t going to miss his best friend in the entire world’s ceremony. He would deal with Maddie’s wrath, even if it meant she ripped apart a perfectly good pair of slacks. He could sit there and listen to her going on about surgeries he should or should not get because it didn’t _matter._

Where he belonged was by Eddie’s side, with the rest of the 118. A _firefighter._ Whatever he had to do to get back to work he would fucking do it.

Eddie’s ceremony is...it’s beautiful really. Buck remembers his own, standing up there next to Bobby with pride as his probationary period came to an end. As he looked out on his entire future knowing this is exactly where he wanted to spend the rest of his life. He’d almost lost this job once, and he wouldn’t do it again. 

Christopher walked through the tables, Eddie’s helmet in his hands. When Eddie scooped Christopher up in his arms, with the biggest smile Buck had ever seen on his face, he wasn’t ashamed to admit he teared up. Eddie _deserved_ this. He deserved to be appreciated and celebrated, and loved. 

Eddie is swarmed by his family and by friends after the ceremony wraps and the celebration begins. Buck wished nothing more than to be up there, congratulating Eddie, patting his back, meeting his family and actually giving them something to be impressed with. 

When everyone had been served food and cake and Eddie wasn’t so surrounded anymore, Buck found the courage to stand up, walking towards him on his crutches. It was embarrassing, and it burned under his skin, how weak he felt. Really it was only watching Christopher that reminded Buck that just because he couldn’t use his leg properly didn’t mean that he should be ashamed. Eddie was never ashamed of Christopher, and neither was Buck. So instead he walked with his shoulders back, only starting to feel shy again when he came face to face with Eddie.

Eddie doesn’t hesitate, pulling Buck into a hug that lingers. A hug with hands running down his back, fingers squeezing at his shoulders and at his waist. Buck doesn’t want to let go, the feeling of Eddie holding him up like he weighs nothing so addicting that if he let go Buck didn’t trust that he wouldn’t just move back in for another.

Then, too soon, he has to pull away as Eddie’s guests are asking for his attention again, they want to take pictures, group ones and individual ones. Buck just watches them on his own from his table. He eventually joins the one with just the team. He moves back to take a seat when Eddie pulls him back.

“Wait,” he says, indicating to the photographer. “One more.”

Bobby smiles from where he’s watching them. “Yeah, one more with just the partners.”

Buck looks back and forth between them, face reddening when he sees even Eddie’s family looking on at them with questions on their faces. 

“Are you sure? I have a cast. It’s not going to be a nice pict—”

“You’re my partner,” Eddie says, sliding an arm around Buck’s waist and pulling him close. Buck’s heart starts beating erratically, just with the proximity to Eddie’s body, the spread of fingers over his waist to keep him standing up straight. “I want a picture with just you.”

Buck can’t tear his eyes away from Eddie until he’s forced to, forced to slap on a smile to at least look somewhat normal in the picture. 

“I want in!” Christopher chimes. “Bucky’s my best friend too!”

Eddie bends down, indicating for Christopher to come forward. “Come on, buddy! One more with you too!”

“We match!” Christopher says with joy, and Buck can’t help but run a hand through Christopher’s curls. He leaves his hand there, and uses his other arm to slide around Eddie’s shoulders.

“This okay?”

Eddie gives him a small smile, not unlike the one that day when Christopher had first come to spend the day with them at the 118. “Yeah. It’s great.”

Eddie reaches his free hand out to place it on Christopher’s shoulder and this time, Buck’s smile isn’t forced at all. The photographer takes three pictures of them like that and Buck swears he hears Bobby murmur to the man that he wanted a copy sent to him too. 

The party was going to be continuing at Abuela’s house that night. Everyone from the 118 was welcome to join but it seemed like it was mostly going to be Eddie’s family.

So Buck went home and he sat on the couch and he thought again about how Eddie had pulled him in, about Eddie’s body pressed against his so easily. How strong his arms had felt, pulled taught as he supported Buck’s weight. 

He turns the TV on, watches several episodes of the Great British Bake Off, and then visions of Eddie’s abuela’s house start to morph in front of him. Eddie’s sitting in the backyard, a beer in hand while some of the kids were playing some sort of hide and seek in the dark even though there were plenty of lights on.

**_Thank you for coming today. You didn’t have to._ **

Buck leans his head back against his pillow, shutting his eyes so he can just focus on Eddie, on the cool breeze blowing over his skin, on the warmth in his heart as he watches Christopher have fun with his cousins.

“Of course I did. It’s you.”

Heat washes over Eddie’s face, and it soothes Buck to the point where he thinks he just might fall asleep. Going to the ceremony today _had_ taken a lot out of him (and he had been banned from going to the after party by both Maddie _and_ Eddie) but it was worth it just to see Eddie smile. 

**_I can feel it, you know. The pain in your leg._ **

Shit, he could? Fuck.

 **_Hey, I didn’t say it to make you feel bad,_ ** Eddie says, placing a hand on his shoulder. **_I only said it because...I didn’t want you to feel like you were alone. You’re not._ **

_I am._

Buck sniffles. A hand comes up to stroke his face. 

**_You’re not._ ** Eddie says again, more insistent. **_You’re going to get better...and I’ll be right here along for the ride. Waiting for you to get back. So don’t rush yourself. Just let yourself heal._ **

His chin wobbles and painful tears pour down his face.

“I—” he croaks, “I just feel so—”

**_Useless?_ **

It makes Buck snort, a rueful smile popping onto his face for just a moment before it settles back into a frown.

“Yeah…” he swipes at his face. “Eddie, I—I don’t know who I am if I’m not a firefighter. I feel like I have nothing—I’m nothing—”

**_Sounds an awful lot like another conversation we’ve had before. If I recall, you listed off everything I was aside from being Christopher’s father._ **

He sniffles again. “That’s different.”

**_Yeah, I know. But Buck...no matter what happens...whether you’re a firefighter or not, you’ll always have me. And Chris._ **

Fresh new tears spill over his cheeks. “I’m such a letdown.”

 **_You’re alive._ ** Eddie clears his throat. **_I...I don’t know what I would've done if I had to go the rest of my life without you._ **

Buck breathes out a shuddering breath. “You would’ve moved on.”

 **_No._ ** Eddie sits up. **_No. Don’t you get it? I—I meant it earlier. It’s you and me, Buck. It’s always been you and me. We’re in this for life._ **

“W-we are?”

**_We...we have this. We’ve been connected since the beginning. That’s never going to change and I—I don’t want it to change. Okay?_ **

Buck nods. “Okay.” He sniffs and groans into his hands. “Okay.”

**_Good. Now you should get some sleep, okay? I’ll bring Chris by tomorrow with some donuts for breakfast._ **

“I love you.”

Shit. Buck freezes. It’s out there now. They’ve never said that out loud to each other before, but...it felt right. However Eddie wanted to interpret it, Buck didn’t care. He just wanted Eddie to know.

He feels it growing in Eddie’s chest—the shock, the elation. Something else Buck couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

**_I…_ **

“You don’t have—”

 **_I love you too._ **Eddie says, effectively cutting Buck off from when he almost told Eddie he didn’t have to say it back. Because the truth was he did want Eddie to say it back. And hearing it from Eddie’s lips, feeling the soft stroking motions of his fingers down his arm, made it all the more better.

Buck didn’t know what to say back. It was out, but it was all theirs. 

**_Go to sleep now, okay?_ **

Buck snuggles further into the blanket on his couch, and falls asleep moments later, without any pain at all.

* * *

Two months of grueling PT and Buck is finally able to take his cast off. He still wasn’t allowed to do much strenuous exercise outside of PT but at least he was able to somewhat move around without his crutches now.

He still had to have his groceries dropped off and meals pre-made for him. On the bright side it meant a lot of home cooked meals courtesy of Bobby—and Abuela. 

“Dad can’t cook so we brought you abuela’s leftovers!” Christopher giggled.

Eddie had shown up at his house that day with a cake and a haircut.

“No...Maddie told you it was my birthday?” Buck asked.

Eddie looked at him quizzically. “I think you forgot that we’ve spent twenty years inside each other’s heads. I know when your birthday is, Buckley.”

Buck grumbles as Eddie situates the cake inside his fridge and then moves to set up dinner around Buck’s table for the three of them.

“So what?” Buck says, “It’s my birthday and you decided to get a haircut?”

Eddie leans back, hands coming up to his hair like he was nervous. “Oh, uh—do you not—um. Does it look bad?”

Buck shakes his head. “No. It’s just—a surprise.” And it’s the truth. It didn’t look bad at all—in fact, it looked quite the opposite of bad. Just different. He crosses his arms. “I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Yeah, well, you weren’t expecting us to come by with dinner and cake either.”

“It’s yellow cake with milk chocolate icing,” Christopher says. “And we got chocolate chip ice cream!”

Buck smiles, stroking a hand through Christopher’s hair. “Thank you, Christopher.”

“How old are you now?”

“Old,” Buck tells him.

“Nah, Buck’s still a baby,” Eddie nudges him as he passes out the Chinese food onto each of their plates. “Still the youngest on the team. Hey Chris, did I ever tell you that Buck used to hang out on the swings almost every day until he was seventeen?”

“Hey now!” Buck called, before turning to Chris. “Well _your_ dad was a big giant nerd. He liked studying the _weather._ Can you believe that, Chris? He’d tell me all kinds of facts about hurricanes and tornadoes.”

“You told me it was interesting!”

“It was!” Buck holds his hands up as Christopher laughs jovially. “Doesn’t mean it wasn’t nerdy!”

“Oh you’re one to talk. As soon as you got your hands on the internet—”

They eat the rest of their dinner like that, telling Christopher stories of their youth.

“Your dad broke his arm and I could barely move mine for a _week._ And it was wiffle ball season in PE.”

“Buck used to make handmade forts in his room. Massive huge ones with all of the extra linens from the closet. He found a flashlight and put it under a colander and made the whole fort into a disco.”

“Maddie thought Eddie was my imaginary friend too,” Buck says. “Apparently I used to babble your name a lot when I was younger than Chris.”

“Really?” Eddie asks, eyes suddenly very interested.

Buck nods, suddenly shy. “Yeah. Turns out I knew you long before I was twelve.”

“I want a best friend in my head,” Christopher pouts. “How come only you guys get to?”

Eddie rubs Christopher’s shoulder gently. “Truthfully I don’t know, kid. Somehow...Buck has just always been there.”

“Lucky,” Christopher murmurs.

Buck decides that now is the time for cake and ice cream. Eddie stands up to do it and Buck follows. 

“You’re not supposed to be on your feet—”

“I’m twenty nine now, not ninety-nine.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but lets Buck pass along the cake and ice cream to Chris before coming back from his own.

“It looks good, you know.” Buck says under his breath, looking up at Eddie. “The hair.”

“Oh,” Eddie reaches a hand up, cheeks red, as he yanks at the smaller hairs at the back of his neck. “Thanks.”

After the cake and ice cream, Buck and Christopher move over to the living room, more than happy to let Eddie take care of the clean up.

“I made you a card,” Christopher goes over to his backpack and pulls it out. “That’s me and that’s you and that’s daddy.”

“What’s this?” Buck asks, pointing at what looked like a blue lighting bolt coming from between Buck and Eddie’s heads.

“That’s when you guys talk to each other in your heads!” Christopher says. “You guys have superpowers or something!”

Buck smiles, pulling Christopher in for a hug. “Yeah, or something.”

Eddie comes over soon after and he has a square shaped box in his hand.

“You got me a present?”

Eddie nods, taking a seat next to Buck with Christopher leaning on him on the other side. 

“It’s not much, but I figured you’d want to have it.”

Buck opens it, and inside is a simple black photo frame. The photo itself is one of Eddie, Buck and Christopher at Eddie’s induction ceremony. They’re standing in front of the firetruck, and Eddie is smiling at Buck and Christopher like they mean the world to him. Christopher’s grin is so wide you can see the gap in his teeth as he leans back into Buck who’s hand is still in his hair.

They look like a family.

“To remind you,” Eddie tells him, voice low and eyes not exactly meeting Buck’s. “That you have a family.”

“This is…” Buck clears his throat, and smiles. “This is perfect. I love it.”

“You gotta put it by your bed, okay? That’s where daddy put his copy,” Christopher orders. “And put my card on the fridge.”

Buck laughs. “Definitely, buddy. That’s exactly where they belong.”

Buck gets to spend the rest of his evening with his boys, and he doesn’t even think once about the pain in his leg.

* * *

Finally, he could start training to rejoin the LAFD. 

After four and a half months straight of nothing but PT and surgeries, and recovering, and resting, months of watching Eddie and the team work only through Eddie’s eyes, Buck was more than ready to go back to work. Mentally, at least. Physically, he still had to keep working. If he just worked hard enough, pushed himself far enough, he could prove to Bobby and the fire department that he could do this. If his leg twinged more and more every day, it was fine.

He broke the record at the fire academy. The sarge had been surprised to see him back there, but shook his head with a fond smile when he jumped from the building and saved the doll's life.

He was so close he could taste it. He got the approval from the fire academy which meant he could officially go back! Finally, _finally,_ he could be home with his family.

Maddie told him she was taking him to a celebratory dinner just the two of them, but when she made the detour to Athena’s house she let him in on the fact that the celebratory dinner was actually with her and the Grant-Nash household.

What he didn’t expect was for everyone else to be there as well. Bobby pushed Eddie towards him and Buck sank into his hug, beyond grateful that soon enough, he’d be back in the firehouse with all of these people, but especially with Eddie. He was tired of just watching on the sidelines. He wanted to be back in the action, saving people. That was his life’s purpose, it was what he was meant to do.

They got him a cake that said “one Buck is worth more than a million dollars” and Buck absolutely did not cry, he told them it was just a yawn because breaking an LAFD record that morning really tuckered him out.

He was surrounded by the people he loved and he’d never been happier. Tomorrow morning the papers would go through and by next week, he’d be a firefighter again.

Until he vomited up blood all over Bobby and Athena’s backyard.

* * *

Buck has two assholes now after Maddie ripped him a new one. It’s a pulmonary embolism—two blood clots in his leg and one in his lungs. They put him on blood thinners.

Which apparently makes him a _liability_ to the LAFD. Bobby tells him that he can’t come back to work, that the LAFD doesn’t _want_ him back at work and—

Buck is furious. 

He just set a record! He passed the recertification, passed the physical, retook the test, he was ready! It was bullshit that the blood-thinners made him a risk, he would be surrounded by professionals on the job if something did happen.

This—this wasn’t even his fault! Buck wasn’t the one who _bombed_ the fucking ladder truck, that was some crazed kid, not him! And now—what? They wanted him on light duty? _Fuck_ that, he had worked so hard to get back to his team, to be out on the field saving people, and what, they think they can just take that all away from him? They want him to sit at a desk and type away at a computer all day? He didn’t sign up for that! He didn’t spend five months fighting to come back just so they could shove him into a grey cubicle for the rest of his life.

He quits.

And then immediately regrets it, but he couldn’t take it back now. He got discharged from the hospital and went home and he just...lays there in bed until he manages to fall into restless sleep. Eddie comes over a couple times, but Buck wasn’t really in the mood, and it was hard to even feel better with Eddie there. Eddie is mostly concerned, just like he had been when he’d first come to visit Buck in the hospital right after Maddie, but when Buck starts getting snippy, he’s not surprised that even Eddie is starting to get frustrated with him.

The next few days he ignores calls from Bobby and Hen and Chim. Maddie forces her way into his apartment—why did he give her a key again?—and tries to get him to get up and do something, but he doesn’t want to. What’s the fucking point? His leg is all fucked up, and his mind is all fucked up, and the LAFD doesn’t want him anymore. 

What else was he supposed to do with his life? He didn’t _want_ a new job, he wanted to be a firefighter! But he quit and even if hadn’t he wouldn’t have gotten to go back to doing what he loves.

He didn’t know what he was going to do and he was—

He was anxious about everything, and alone, and tired. So he just slept. It was easier than listening to Eddie who was still at the station, day in and day out. Overhearing as his teammates—his _friends_ talked about him behind his back like he wasn’t even there. Course, he wasn’t, and he was hearing everything they said through Eddie, but _still._ If they knew he had nothing outside of the job, why were they acting like _he_ was the one overreacting?

Buck just stewed in it. 

If they wanted him to just move on, _fine._

Buck sat on his couch watching TV. And when he didn’t watch TV he would eat. And if he wasn’t eating then he was sleeping. And if he couldn’t fall asleep then he was watching whatever Eddie was doing at work.

“Maybe take off your sunglasses so I can see for once, _Edmundo,”_ Buck mumbles from under the covers.

He feels Eddie knock his arm _purposefully_ into the fire truck.

“Ahh,” Buck hisses, cradling his arm.

 **_I’m not your personal livestream,_ ** **Evan.**

Buck groans and rolls over in bed. 

He doesn’t know how many hours pass but Buck passes out and when he’s so _rudely_ woken up by Eddie throwing the covers off of him it was morning again—so he must’ve slept through the night?

“Get up. It’s morning and you have things to do,” Eddie says, throwing down the covers _again_ after Buck pulled them back up.

“No. I _really_ don’t.”

He lays back down, pulling the covers back up. Eddie throws them off him again and this time Buck is irritated. He flings himself out of bed and stalks away down the stairs.

“You need to get out of the house. Take a walk around the block and get some fresh air.”

“Why? What’s the point?”

“The _point_ is that your life isn’t over, Buck.” Buck peeks into the opened Chinese take out container on the table, flipping it away when he finds nothing in it to eat. “You still have a life ahead of you.”

“Yeah, says the fire fighter.”

Eddie sighs deeply, putting his hands on his hips. “Listen, I know that this is hard for you. I know how much our job means to you.”

“Then why are you pushing this?” Buck asks, turning around and moving forward towards Eddie. “Why can’t I just...mope around here until I fall into something else.”

“I think you’re just feeling sorry for yourself,” Eddie blurts, crossing his arms. “You have this defeatist attitude like nothing is going to get better—”

“They’re not going to let me back—”

“Well maybe if you had stopped for a minute to think about it, Buck,” Eddie comes forward. “I know how much you hate the idea of riding a desk but that was never permanent. It was just until your health improves and you don’t have to be on blood thinners anymore.”

Buck huffs, shrinking back and crossing his arms too. “So what? You think I should call Bobby back? Tell him I un-quit?”

Eddie lets his arms go. “I’m not trying to tell you to do anything. I just…” he looks around at Buck’s apartment. The state of it, like a stampede of wild hippos came and trashed the place. “I just worry about you. And I don’t want you here wallowing on your own.”

Buck finds he really can’t argue with that. 

“Hey Buck!” 

Buck’s head snaps around and he locks eyes with Christopher who was just casually sitting on his couch, listening to his dad and Buck fight. 

_Great…_

“Hey buddy!” Buck tries to put on his best happy face, suddenly embarrassed as hell to have Christopher sitting on his gross, messy couch. “What are you doing here?”

Eddie marches over and half picks Christopher up into a big hug. “He’s hanging out with his Buck today! Because _I_ have to go to work.”

_His Buck._

It hits Buck right where it hurts, and suddenly Buck wants to just go back upstairs and go to sleep. Carla apparently went to Morongo and Abuela was busy as well which meant—

Eddie turns his blinding smile on Buck. “Take him out. Have some fun. Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Then he leaves and it’s just Buck and Christopher. 

Buck comes and takes a seat next to the little boy. “Did you eat breakfast?”

Christopher shakes his head. Okay. That was a good first start. Take Christopher out for food and then figure out something fun to do.

“You wanna go to a waffle house?”

“Yeah!”

“Alright, lets get your stuff, okay?”

Christopher already had his backpack full of stuff, so Buck doesn’t need to pack much for him. But he does have to get _himself_ ready. He puts on clothes that aren’t pajamas for the first time in a couple weeks and styles his hair before brushing his teeth.

“Alright,” Buck says as he and Christopher drive off. “So waffle house and then, what? You wanna go see a movie?”

“What movies are playing?”

“Huh. Uh...I don’t know. Why don’t we look it up when we get to the restaurant, okay?”

At the waffle house, it takes them about 15 minutes until they’re seated. When it’s their turn the hostess calls out towards them and leads them to their table. “Does your son need a booster seat?”

“No, I want a regular chair.” Christopher mumbles, taking Buck’s hand. 

“We’ll take a booth, if you have one?” Buck says with a sparkling smile, hoping that that would be enough to get the woman to help them out.

“Of course, right this way.”

The booth is in front of the window, and Buck lets Christopher slide in first, knowing he wants to see the view. Buck goes around the other side.

“No, Buck, you should sit over here,” Christopher says, patting the side of the booth right next to him.

His heart goes _whoosh_ just a little at how adorable Christopher is. Buck stands up, sliding in beside Christopher who scoots in close to his side. Okay, yeah, maybe Eddie did have a good idea when he told Buck to take Christopher out today. It wasn’t often that Buck got to spend time alone with Christopher without Eddie being there. This was almost...nice. No, it was sweet and Buck enjoyed being the object of Christopher’s undivided attention and affection.

The woman comes back and takes their orders. 

While they wait, Buck pulls out his phone and googles what movies are playing. He hands his phone to Christopher. “Any of these look good?”

Christopher skims over them. “I saw this one with abuela last week.”

“Was it good?”

Christopher shrugs.

Buck takes a look again at the movies. There weren’t many kids movies playing and from the look of it Christopher had already seen the one kid movie there was. It was beginning to look like the movies were out. But he’d already texted Eddie that he was going to take Christopher to the movies…

Oh well, he’d just find something else for them to do. 

The woman comes back with their food and both of them dig in. Buck takes a picture of the two of them pressed in close and smiling while they ate their waffles and sent it to Eddie.

On the TV playing up ahead there was a newscaster doing a story on a brand new ride opening up on the Santa Monica pier. 

Huh. Christopher might like that.

“Hey Chris, you ever been to the pier?” Buck asks, pointing up to the TV where they were showing the boardwalk along the water. 

Christopher shakes his head. “No. Can we go?”

“You want to?”

“Yeah!” 

“It’s decided then.”

The waitress comes back after a few moments. “Is there anything else I can get you or your son?”

She kept calling Christopher his son. Buck kept wondering if maybe he should correct her, but Christopher wasn’t saying a single thing to correct her, and Buck didn’t want to deny it right in front of the kid. What if it hurt his feelings? Cause it was true, Buck wasn’t his dad, but...sometimes it felt like Chris was his kid. Especially in moments like these when Christopher would look up at him with his chocolate stained mouth and grin like he had no cares in the world.

Buck loved the kid, so if other people believed Christopher was his...well, he wasn’t going to correct them. Eddie hadn’t, when they’d met Santa, so surely he’d be okay if Buck didn’t now.

“Can we get some wet wipes please?”

She giggles at Christopher who smiles adorably. “Sure thing. And I’ll be right back with the bill as well.”

After that, the two of them set off towards the pier. Immediately Chris wants to go on all of the rides, and Buck has no qualms standing in the lines for all of them. Sometimes Christopher is too short for the rides, but then Buck was also too tall for some of them and all Christopher would do is _laugh in Buck’s face_ and man that little boy was so much like his dad, and he really was weak for the Diaz boys.

It’s hot so Buck buys the two of them pink lemonade and cotton candy. He places a napkin on the table when Christopher’s hands start to droop a little so that the candy wouldn’t hit the dirty table. 

They go on the tilt-a-whirl, and the spinning seat ride, and the swings. They dominate the photo booth, taking some of _the_ cutest photos Buck had ever seen—he was so framing these too. They play all the games and slowly but surely make their way through all of the rest of the rides that would let them on. 

They decided to save the ferris wheel for last, but first they were just going to sit and rest on a bench by the water so they could catch their breath.

Christopher wants to stand and see the water, so Buck bunches his hand up in the back of Christopher’s shirt to make sure he can’t fall over the railing. Buck can’t help taking a couple of pictures of Chris like this on his phone, promising to send them to Eddie later. 

And because he’s always been a motormouth who couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself, Buck asks Christopher what he wants to be when he grows up.

His heart sinks when Christopher tells him he wants to be a firefighter.

“Yeah, me too.” Buck grimaces. “But you know...in case that doesn’t work out. I hope you do find something you love. Something that makes you feel like you matter. Because when you do that’s gonna tell you who you are. I hope you find that, and I hope you get to keep it.”

Christopher turns, taking Buck’s cheek in his tiny hand, and he just looks so much like his father. Feels like him. The same unyielding love radiating from him that Buck has always felt from Eddie. He’d heard it a handful of times from Eddie, how the man was surprised at where Christopher got his softness from, where he got his open and kind heart. 

Buck knew exactly where Christopher got it from.

“You’re gonna be okay, kid.”

It’s verbatim a line Eddie has said to Christopher when he was feeling low. That much Buck could guess without question. Hearing it from Christopher’s mouth to Buck’s ears felt like a hug. Like a wave of comfort washing over him.

Christopher was Eddie in his truest, most innocent and unscarred form. Love, pure and unrefined. 

Buck leans into Christopher’s palm, soaking up the comfort somehow only this little boy could bring him.

At this angle, he’s looking out at the water. But...something’s wrong.

The water...it’s receding.

“Where did all the water go?” Christopher asks.

It’s a wave. A wall of water so thick and amassing the closer it gets to shore.

It’s a tsunami, and it was heading right towards them.

They were going to die.

*

31 Years Old: Eddie 

  
  


**_GET OFF THE PIER!_ **

“What the—?” Eddie stands up, turning around. “Buck?”

**_Eddie!_ **

The team is on a call. Two food trucks had crashed into each. They’d gotten the two drivers out safely, but they had to stay behind to clean up the mess.

Buck’s screams slam through Eddie’s head just seconds before it hits him.

All at once, the air is ripped from Eddie’s lungs and all he can see is unending darkness. He chokes and falls to his knees, clutching at his chest, gasping _gasping—_

“Eddie!”

He can’t breathe, he can’t _breathe._ Water crawls up his throat, but he knows there’s nothing there. He gags, trying to get it out, trying to expel something from his lungs that _wasn’t_ there. There’s rushing in his ears, and every inch of his body feels like knives, feels like a million bees stinging him over and over and over and there’s sand in his mouth, and sand in his throat, and his eyes burn and he opens them—

Water. Chairs. Black.

Closes them.

Throws up acid from his stomach, but still he can’t breathe.

A barrel slams into his side, throwing his head back, opening his mouth in a soundless gasp as more water rushes straight down his nose and throat. 

Dizzy, so unbelievably dizzy, like he’d bashed his head against a boulder, and up was down and down was up. 

The surface. He claws towards the surface and then—

He sucks in a breath of air so harsh he starts coughing immediately after. 

**_Christopher!_ **

Eddie collapses, and he’s not sure if the water underneath his palms is real or not. He can’t take it, and would’ve fallen face forward into the puddle of water up to his elbows beneath him, unable to take the pressure of the tons of water pushing past him. Someone’s arms wrap around him, hauling him back into their chest. 

Hen is in front of him, trying to ask him questions, her lips moving, her fingers flying in front of his face, but it’s all eclipsed by the water and Buck and—

**_Buck!_ **

“Christopher!” Eddie screams, lunging forward as if that could somehow help them.

Buck is in the water, and Eddie is in the water, and Christopher is clinging to a cellphone pole. The water rushing by is so loud Eddie can barely hear it, but he can see Christopher.

Buck lets go, letting the water sweep him away. He’s so close, he’s so close to Christopher, just an arm’s length away. 

**_Christopher grab my hand! Christopher! No!_ **

**_I can’t hold on!_ **

“Buck!” Eddie thrashes in his hold, Chim is the one holding him back, Bobby pressing his weight down over Eddie’s shoulders. “Christopher!” 

“Eddie!” He hears Hen yell. “They’re fine! They’re at the movies, you just showed us the picture—”

“No!” Eddie gulps, “Tsunami.”

Christopher slips, he’s drowning.

“Buck! Get him!” 

Buck throws himself forward, swimming under the water until he smashes into Christopher, wrapping his arms around the boy and shoving him up towards the surface for air. 

Buck cradles Christopher’s head, struggling to keep it above the water even as Buck himself submerges from the weight of both of them several times. The water is pulling them too fast—past any landmarks they could’ve used to pull themselves up to safety. Eventually, the water pulls them close enough to a nearby ladder truck—there was a firehouse on scene?—and Buck pushes Christopher on top of it.

Buck himself has to duck back under water to avoid getting hit by floating debris, but manages to yank himself up as well.

“Oh fuck,” Eddie pants, breathing hard alongside Buck who’s clutching onto Christopher on top of the ladder truck like he might slip away any second.

“Eddie!” Hen shakes his shoulders again. “Eddie, what—?”

“Hen.” It’s Bobby’s voice, firm and simmering with a kind of low horror. “It—It is a tsunami.”

He turns his phone to all of them, a tsunami warning blaring across his screen. Hen and Chim pull out their phones to see the same message. 

Chim looks back at Eddie in wonder. “How did you—?”

Eddie forces himself up on wobbly legs, nearly tipping over if it wasn’t for Bobby catching him before he went splashing back into the water. 

“We don’t have time for this,” Eddie spits, the taste of salt in his throat scratching like nails. “We have to go get them. Buck and Christopher are there, it hit them, it—”

“How do you know they were hit?” Chimney asks. “You were just showing us the picture of them at the waffle house. Buck said he was taking Christopher to the movies.”

“But he didn’t, okay!” Eddie rips out. “‘They went to the pier and the wave hit them, we have to go get them right _fucking_ now!”

“Okay! Okay…” Bobby says, stepping forward and putting a sturdy hand against Eddie’s chest. “Let's just get a hold of ourselves okay?” He turns to the rest of the team. “More than likely this is going to be an all hands on deck situation everyone. Let's pack up and head out.”

“Cap,” Eddie stops the man as everyone else on the team heads back to the fire trucks. “I—”

“I know,” Bobby says. “We’re gonna start our search for Buck and Christopher first, but Eddie—this is our job. If we run into other people who need our help—and there will be many—we can’t ignore them.”

“I know. I know you can’t.”

“Eddie…”

“I can’t just sit by while they’re fighting for their lives in the middle of a tsunami,” Eddie grits out. “They—” he swallows, seeing as Buck cradles Christopher’s head in his hands, doing his best to comfort them as they sit on top of the ladder truck as the water rushes by. “They barely survived the initial hit. I have to get to them now.”

Bobby eyes him hard for a moment. Then he uncrosses his arms. “We’ll do what we can. But Eddie—you have to do this the right way, okay? Wait and use our equipment. We’re professionals, we’re the ones they need to be professional right now, okay?”

Eddie turns away.

 _“Okay?”_ Bobby stresses.

“Okay. Fine.” Eddie says. “Let’s just go.”

It’s a quick ride to the edge of the water, they were already near enough as it was. Bobby was right, all available search and rescue units were requested and they set out on motorboats into the debris-filled waters.

“Where did you say they were?” Bobby asks.

Eddie huffs. “I-I don’t know—I couldn’t— I don’t know. All I know is that they’re on top of a ladder truck.”

“There’s a unit that was on the pier when it hit?”

“I guess so. I don’t know which it is.”

Bobby calls it in, asks for any information they can get about which unit was dispatched to the pier within the last hour. 

Eddie is looking around frantically, trying to spot signs or landmarks— anything that looks like what Buck was seeing.

“Just hang on,” he whispers to them.

He hears a scream for help and whips his head around. But it’s not for them, it’s Buck who’s hearing it. 

Eddie watches as Buck tucks Chris safely into a sturdy corner of the ladder truck and then jumps into action, moving forward to save the woman drowning in the rushing water. Eddie wants to be mad at him, wants to tell him to go back and sit with Chris, but he knows that this is exactly what he would’ve done too. Saving people is just who they are. 

They come upon a boat, crashed into a building with four people screaming from inside. At the same time he sees Buck fastening a rope across the water, and rescuing the woman, just as another rush of drowning people come upon him. Buck asks the woman he rescued to watch Chris but—

Eddie’s first instinct is to tell his captain he can’t wait, he can’t stop here, he has to keep moving, maybe get on a boat with another team. He has to get to Buck and his son.

**_Go, Eddie. Help them. I got this here._ **

Eddie curses under his breath. “I swear to _God_ if you die on me before I can get to you.”

**_I’m a firefighter. I’m doing my job._ **

This isn’t fire though. This is water. 

And Buck quit being a firefighter. Eddie bites his tongue and instead he focuses on doing his goddamn job. He helps the captain and Hen unpin the two men from each other even as another surge comes in forcing them to use the scuba equipment. _Hang on, Buck. Hang on, Chris._

They get the man out. It’s a relief, but what’s even more relieving is that Buck got everyone else out of the water too. The top of the ladder truck was even more crowded now, but Buck had Christopher wrapped in his arms, stroking his face, keeping the water from getting into his eyes.

“Just got word on the unit that was hit,” Bobby tells them as they get back into their motorboat to continue their search. “Station 136 was out there on the pier. Captain Cooper and his team. They were hit.”

“Are they…?” Hen trails off.

“Most of them are still unaccounted for,” Bobby shakes his head. “But a few radioed in. There’s two of them over by the ferris wheel.”

“It’s still intact?” Chimney asks, surprised. Bobby nods.

“Do they have any idea where the truck they parked is?”

“The GPS was short circuited by the water so we don’t know their exact location,” Bobby says. “According to them they parked on main street, but other reports say main street is completely wiped. No signs of the truck there.”

“So it must’ve been moved upon initial impact?”

“A truck that heavy?” Hen asks. “Doubt it.”

“But it’s staying in place now,” Eddie says. “We have to get to them before another wave hits—or before the water starts rushing back.”

Bobby agrees and they're off again, rushing through the water, looking for his boys.

 **_I spy with my little eye...a shopping cart._ **It’s Christopher’s voice. Buck is looking down over him and out at the water.

 **_What, no! You can’t just yell stuff out that’s not how the game works!_ ** Buck reaches down, tickling Christopher as the little boy laughs and shouts: **_But yelling stuff out is the fun part!_ **

Eddie’s heart crumbles in his chest. Chris—they were in the middle of a tsunami and Buck and Chris were playing a game, I-spy, of all things. Buck...Buck was terrified, so on edge, even as he laughed along with Chris.

But Chris—Chris was having _fun?_

 **_You amaze me._ ** Buck says, somehow voicing Eddie’s thoughts without even hearing them. 

**_Why?_ **Christopher asks softly, confused.

 **_I got some bad news the other day about work and...I didn’t want to get out of bed for a whole week._ ** The sinking feeling in Buck’s stomach returns, and Eddie—fuck he shouldn’t have forced Buck to get out of bed. To leave his house. It’s Eddie’s fault that they’re here, that they almost died. **_But you...after the day you had, here you are with a big smile, busting a gut—_ **

Eddie laughs so that he doesn’t start crying. He leans over, elbows on his knees, hand wiping over his face.

**_You never gave up. Even when that water was rushing over you back there, you just kept on swimming._ **

**_Like Dory?_ **

Eddie can’t take this, not being there with his son, not knowing if they were really okay. He had to find them, but it felt like with every street they passed without a trace of them, his hope was getting dimmer.

**_You never say no, you never complain. How...how do you do that?_ **

Christopher shrugs. **_Well, I complained once but it didn’t work._ **

Oh, Eddie remembers that. He remembers when Christopher had thrown a big fit, it was about a year after Shannon left, before Eddie had decided to come out to California. Chris...he was upset because it was Mother’s day and—and he told Eddie that he thought it was his fault that Shannon had left. He was frustrated because he had to watch all of his friends in PE and he couldn’t participate and it made him feel left out and—

Christopher had thought it was his fault. That his CP had pushed his mother away. 

Eddie had hugged him close that day, whispered to him over and over again that that wasn’t it. That Shannon loved him no matter what, and her leaving had nothing to do with his CP, even if he himself didn’t actually know if it was true or not. Christopher said he didn’t want his crutches anymore, that he wanted to walk by himself and that he wanted to play by himself. But in the end, he couldn’t. 

Eddie did his best, but he was floundering. He didn’t know how to get through to Christopher that he was loved, and that Eddie would never abandon him and that he loved him just the way he was. 

He remembered watching Finding Nemo a lot that year. Talking to Chris about Nemo’s little fin and how in the end it helped him and made him who he was and that’s why his dad and everyone else loved him so much. 

Christopher looked up to Nemo, but more than that, he revered Marlin for never giving up on finding his son.

 **_So what did you do?_ **Buck asks Christopher.

**_Just kept on swimming._ **

If Christopher could be Nemo and keep on swimming, then Eddie would swallow his fear and be Marlin, and swim across the entire ocean if it meant getting his son back.

Something rises in Buck, something like horror, something like nausea. Eddie watches, looking out and seeing the bodies—the corpses—floating through the water face down. Dead. The tsunami had wiped them out.

Buck turns Christopher away from the image, moves him to a different spot on the truck, quickly jumping back into their game of I-spy like nothing was happening. Christopher’s smile takes up his whole face, looking up exactly where Buck was pretending to spot something, anywhere so Christopher wouldn’t look behind him. Wouldn’t see the empty shells of innocent people floating and decomposing in the water. 

“Eddie, we’re being called to go help out with the ferris wheel.”

“But Cap—”

“We’ll find them. But we have to go where we’re needed first. You said they’re okay right now, right? On the ladder truck?”

Eddie grits his teeth. “Yes, but just because they’re okay right now doesn’t mean we can stop looking for them—”

“Nobody is suggesting that.”

In the end, he lets it happen. He lets them turn their boat around and head towards the ferris wheel. There’s a bunch of people towards the top they help get down—including a firewoman. It turns out Lena Bosko is a member of the 136. A few others of their team had been found in the meantime, all alive and relatively unharmed. Lena helps Eddie get a couple from the very top of the ferris wheel down.

As they’re working he hears Buck’s voice again. **_I don’t know what I’m going to tell your dad. I take you out one time and look at what happens._ **

Eddie stands up, nearly hitting his head on the roof of the ferris wheel cart.

“Diaz?” Lena asks, looking at him strangely. He wants to say something, _has_ to say something to Buck, but he has his hands occupied with the people in front of him and Lena and—

 **_You saved me..._ ** Christopher says, his voice light as he points out to all of the other people resting atop of the fire truck. **_And you saved them._ **

Eddie feels it, the way the misery and the guilt and the shame and the trepidation fill Buck’s chest. But more than that, Eddie feels one thing over all of that. 

It wasn’t often Eddie saw his son through Buck’s eyes. Saw the way Christopher’s face lit up when he looked at him, saw the affection his little boy had for Buck. Eddie had seen it all in person, himself, but he’d never seen it this way. It was the same way Christopher looked at Eddie, the same sort of unending amazement, the trust and love only a child could give to their parent. 

And as Buck looks down at Christopher, the love Eddie feels from him overpowers it all, fills every inch of Buck’s body with energy, a soothing sort of tenderness that hits Eddie harder than the wave had. 

This whole time he had been so afraid, knowing Christopher was out there in the tsunami. But knowing Buck was there with him, protecting him, loving him...Eddie wasn’t so afraid anymore.

His boys had each other, that was enough for Eddie.

 **_We did it together._ ** Buck tells Christopher. **_Me and you make a great team. I’m proud of you._ **

Christopher throws his arm over Buck’s shoulders, and Buck falls forward, wrapping his arms wholly around Christopher’s small frame, cradling his head to Buck’s shoulder as he strokes his face. Buck hides tears in Christopher’s already drenched shirt. 

Eddie has never felt anyone else love Christopher the way he does. It killed him to admit it, but at the worst of times sometimes he hadn’t even felt the same level from Shannon. In the months before she died, he began to think he felt it from her. Saw it the way she made an effort to be better for him. But Eddie still never let himself fully trust her with him.

If it had been Shannon out here in the tsunami with Chris...would Eddie have even entertained the notion of putting off rescuing them to do his job? Would he have trusted Shannon to have saved Chris in the first place let alone continue to keep him safe through it?

He truly didn’t know, but deep down inside he doubted it.

“Diaz,” Lena snaps him out of his thoughts. She’d already transported the couple down and was pointing down at the water. The ferris wheel was beginning to rock, the water rushing back in. “Time to go.”

They jump down into the water, emerging quickly to get pulled up by the team.

The water keeps rushing and it rocks over the ladder truck, knocking people off even as Buck screams at everyone to hold on. 

“Cap we gotta go!” Eddie shouts. “The water’s receding, we need to get to Buck and Christopher now!”

“Dispatch thinks they have a location on the ladder-truck—”

“Ladder truck?” Lena asks. “Are you talking about the one we came in on?”

“Yes, do you know where it is?”

“We initially parked it on Main, but then we had Carlisle move it over to third at the last minute because there was a—”

A man falls off the ladder truck right next to Buck, and he lets go of Christopher for one second to lunge over to try to pull the man up.

That’s all it takes. 

When Buck turns back around, Christopher is gone. 

“Christopher!” **_Christopher!_ **

Buck jumps back into the rushing water, screaming Christopher’s name even as the water drags him under.

“Go to third _now!”_ Eddie yells. Cap hits the gas and they speed off even farther, heading away from the collapsing ferris wheel and back towards the streets. 

It’s almost laughable how close Buck and Christopher were to them, it takes them all of ten minutes to get to where the ladder truck was but Buck and Christopher were nowhere to be found. 

**_Christopher!_ **

Eddie turns around, watching as Buck continues to swim and fight, hanging off trees and telephone poles, ducking under debris that could’ve taken his head clean off.

Eddie tries to talk to him, tries to get Buck to hear him but the other man is so out of his mind, water blocking his ears, that he can barely even hear Eddie, let alone respond to him.

Eddie’s not doing any better. He’s freaking out, but he has to find a way to help them. He has to calm down, force himself to look around. Use what Buck was seeing to try and find him.

He spots a sign for a pizza place. “Where’s Mario’s Pizza?”

“Uh…” Lena says. “I think it’s about three or so blocks from here.”

“Let’s go!”

Bobby directs another motorboat to take all of the people on the ladder truck and then fires them up to head off in the direction they think Buck and Christopher could’ve gone. 

Eddie tries not to think about the possibility of not finding Christopher. He can’t think about the possibility that the water had dragged Christopher down, filled his lungs, snuffed the life out of him. He can’t think about it, he _won’t,_ not until he’s exhausted every resource he has to get him back.

They find Mario's Pizza relatively easily, but Buck is nowhere to be seen. They don’t see Christopher anywhere on the way either. 

“Fuck!” Eddie shouts. “Buck, where are you?”

The water has gone down a lot by now. It was low enough that they could hope off the motorboats and continue on foot. That was exactly what Buck was doing.

Buck was dizzy, Eddie could feel it swimming in his head, overheated and dehydrated despite being surrounded by water.

 **_Christopher!_ ** Buck yells at the top of his lungs. **_Christopher!_ **He runs into other people, begs them to know if he’s seen Chris, gives them his description.

“Buck!” Eddie shouts again. “Tell me where you are, god damn it!”

 **_I don’t know!_ ** Buck calls back. His voice breaks. **_I-I don’t know. The street signs are fucked—_ **

Buck’s heart completely stops at the same time as he and Eddie lock eyes on a pair of bright red glasses, hanging off a fallen tree branch in the water.

 **_Eddie..._ ** Buck wanders over, picks up the glasses that they both know could only belong to their boy. Buck sobs. **_Eddie—_ **

“No!” Eddie blinks away the sudden and rapid tears. “We’re not giving up. You hear me, Buck?”

Buck sucks in a huge breath, fighting back the way Eddie knows he just wants to let go and wail. Buck picks himself up, wipes off his face. 

**_I think—I think I’m on Pico. I passed the—the high school._ **

Eddie looked around. Shit, they were closer to Colorado than they were to Pico. “You keep searching over there, okay? We’re gonna search the other side.”

**_Eddie...I’m-I’m so sor—_ **

“Not right now,” Eddie breathes out, taking a hand to press into his shoulder, squeezing hard on his arm. “Not right now, okay? We find him, and then we talk.”

Buck nods rapidly, turning his head away and continuing down the street, kicking up water at his feet. He continues shouting Christopher’s name, asking passerbys if they’ve seen him. Eddie does this same on his end going the opposite direction.

At one point Buck hears something about a kid being trapped and dives forward to help. It’s not Christopher but Buck hears there’s a bakery giving out water several blocks away and there was a possibility that the man had seen a boy who looked like Christopher over there.

Bobby and the team are updated on the VA hospital being set up.

**_Eddie you should go to the VA hospital, check if you see him there. I’ll head to the cupcakery and see if anyone’s seen him down there._ **

“Copy that,” Eddie says. It helps, to keep it compartmentalized inside him like this wasn’t his kid but just another person they were trying to rescue on the job. 

He heads to the VA hospital, noting that the sun was starting to go down. As he watched it sink further beyond the horizon, so also did Eddie’s hope. His heart was starting to harden, the familiar feeling of the bricks he’d built around it stacking higher and higher. If this was it—if Christopher was—

Eddie wouldn’t be able to continue on. If he went home without his son, that was it. There would be no need for him to still be in this world.

The VA hospital was already filling up to near capacity. He looked around, asking all of the nurses on sight and nearly throwing up when one nurse had the _gall_ to look him in the face and tell him to check the black tent—the morgue. 

He does. Almost passes out from relief just to know that Christopher’s body wasn’t there.

**_Christopher! Hey, I’m here! Hey!_ **

Eddie sucks in a breath, turning around as Buck spots a little boy with a woman. He drops to his knees, turns the kid around and—it’s not Christopher.

Buck sways, his eyes weighing down, as he nearly trips. His body feels heavy, like dead weight about to drop.

**_Hey, man! You’re bleeding…_ **

“Buck—”

Buck falters, slipping as some strangers catch him and stop him from hitting the floor altogether.

A wave of intense vertigo hits Eddie then and— “Shit. Buck just...just stay where you are, I’m coming to get you.”

 **_No!_ ** Buck says as he stands up and keeps on walking. **_No, I gotta—I g-gotta...find Christ-topher…_ **

“Buck—” Eddie’s voice falters. “Buck, we have to—just let me come get you okay? We’ll keep looking together and—”

 **_I lost him, Eddie!_ ** He can hear it, the roaring in Buck’s chest, the wet tears streaming down his face. **_I lost him...it’s all my fault—I-I had him in my arms and he was there and he was_ ** **safe** **_and now he’s—_ **

Eddie shuts his eyes and clenches his hands so hard, his nails leave deep raw indents in his skin.

“There should be a couple of vans coming towards you. It’s picked up a bunch of people from the refugee camps at the high school and the Promenade,” Eddie says eventually. “Get on it and come back here. We’ll continue looking together.”

Buck doesn’t say anything in response, but Eddie sees as he gets on one of the vans once they show up. 

Eddie helps out where he can in the hospital, even though he wants to set out and continue the search. Once Buck was there, he was going to have a doctor come check him out and then—with or without him—Eddie was going back out and he was going to find his son if it was the last thing he ever did. Even if it meant walking straight into the ocean with a shovel and bucket, he would find him.

The vans show up soon enough, including the one led by Bobby, Hen and Chimney. Eddie spots Buck getting out of the car and—Fuck. He’s near ripped to shreds, blood staining up and down his arms, two large gashes cut across his face, dirt and blood thick between the crevices. His shirt is ripped on the bottom and completely tarnished with muck and grey water. 

“Buck,” Eddie moves forward, ready to take Buck’s hand but the man steps back before Eddie can touch him. And he looks—devastated. As empty and destroyed as Eddie feels. “Buck—”

“I can’t—” Buck takes a step back, faltering a bit on his feet. “I need to keep looking for—I gotta go back—I have to—”

Eddie moves forward again, this time managing to touch Buck’s shoulder before quickly pulling back when Buck flinches like Eddie had just punched him across the face. 

_“Don’t—_ Eddie, please—I—”

Buck turns around and that’s exactly when Chim, Hen and Bobby come through with Captain Cooper—Lena’s captain who she also had been searching for the whole day. People coming off the new truck pass by, when their team sees Buck sans Christopher they stop.

“Buck…” Hen says. “Eddie, what’s going on?”

“Where’s Chri—”

Behind them, there’s a woman getting off the truck. The last person to get off. And in her arms is a form he would recognize anywhere.

“Christopher.”

“Dad!”

And just like that, Eddie feels his world start spinning again.

“Christopher!” Eddie stumbles forward, taking his baby boy from the woman’s arms and nearly collapsing to the floor. He can’t help it, he starts crying, kissing Christopher’s dirty face and hair. He doesn’t care, Christopher could be covered in garbage and Eddie would still kiss his face because this was his _boy,_ this was his baby, and he was _alive._

“You’re Buck?” The woman who had carried him asked.

“No, I’m—” Eddie stutters, “I-I’m his father, Eddie.”

She smiled ruefully. “Oh...he was looking for Buck.”

“Buck!” Christopher calls out.

Eddie turns around slightly, still keeping Christopher clutched to his chest, in time to see Buck collapse completely into Bobby’s arms, Hen and Chim right behind them helping to support Buck’s weight. He sees the exhausted and delirious smile on Buck’s face, tears streaming down hard, turning brown on the way down. It’s like that’s the last emotion Buck had the energy to show on his face, because then his eyes roll back in his head and he’s out.

Eddie stands up quickly, Christopher still in his arms. “Buck!”

Bobby calls for another gurney and they get Buck up and transported inside. 

“Buck!” Christopher calls out again, squirming. “Where’s Buck? Is he okay?”

Eddie kisses the side of his head as he follows the rest of his team into the VA hospital where they had taken Buck. “It’s okay, Christopher. He’s okay. He’s just getting checked over by the doctor. We need to have them look at you too, okay?”

“I want Buck,” Christopher tells him.

“You’ll see him soon,” Eddie promises. “Okay? You’ll see your Buck soon.”

The two of them wait together, and a nurse comes out to check on Christopher. Eddie had already done a check over the boy himself, but he would feel better if a second pair of eyes also confirmed his own conclusions. Somehow, miraculously, Christopher wasn’t hurt at all. He had a few bumps and bruises, but he didn’t have any of the same large scratches or bleeding wounds that Buck sustained. 

Bobby and Chim come out a second later. They tell him that Buck is alright, just severely dehydrated and lost a decent amount of blood that didn’t help at all. Chim excuses himself to take a call from Maddie, who had called him in a panic when Chim texted her to tell her of Buck’s whereabouts.

Once Christopher is deemed well enough to go home, Eddie debates whether he should just take Christopher home or wait for Buck. Really, he didn’t want to leave him, but the VA hospital was already so crowded as it was, and people kept calling him over to help but he couldn’t when Christopher was here. 

Christopher leans into Eddie’s side, whispering, “Did you see us, daddy?”

The words stick in Eddie’s throat. “I—yeah. Yeah, I did, Chris. I saw you and Buck. I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to you guys sooner.”

Christopher snuggles up to him, the blanket over his shoulders not enough to keep him entirely warm against the night air. “It’s okay. Buck kept me safe.”

Eddie strokes his fingers down the side of Christopher’s face. “Yeah. He did, didn’t he?”

Christopher nods, his cheek now smushed completely against Eddie’s side. He wraps an arm over his boy’s shoulders, rubbing up and down to create more friction and warmth for him. “Tired, son? Do you want to go home?”

“No!” Christopher yawns directly after. “Not until we see Buck.”

“It might take some time.”

Christopher smiles up at him, still as sweet and tender-hearted as the moment Eddie dropped him off this morning. “Wake me up when he gets here?”

Eddie chuckles, pulling Christopher in tighter to his side. Christopher falls asleep about ten minutes later, completely conked out against him. Soon Maddie shows up, and Hen finally emerges. 

Buck is apparently awake but Maddie rushes in to see him first and Eddie...well, he has a sleeping child in his lap and he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Buck flinched away from him when he tried to touch his shoulder. It was like...Buck was _afraid_ of Eddie and he hated that feeling. He never wanted to see that look on Buck’s face again, the one so closed off and broken like he’d just lost everything.

Eddie figures that was exactly how he felt as well. If he hadn’t gotten Christopher back tonight...who knows where he’d be right now. He didn’t even want to think about it. 

Maddie comes out a moment later. Eddie doesn’t stand up, be he sits up straighter, waiting to hear what she has to say.

“Hey, how is he?”

“They’re transferring him to a nearby hospital. He lost more blood than they have available readily here.”

“Shit,” Eddie hisses.

“Yeah,” Maddie looks down at the sleeping form on Eddie’s lap. “I heard he was with Christopher today. That they got separated.”

Eddie shuts his eyes for a moment, letting the pain and the _almost lost him forever_ wash over him before he shuts it back away deep inside and opens his eyes again.

“He _saved_ him,” Eddie says. “If it wasn’t for Buck—”

“It’s just…” Maddie starts off slowly. “I guess I don’t really have to tell you this, I’m sure you already know but...Buck _adores_ Christopher and he loves you and I just—I don’t think he could handle it if you—”

“I don’t hate him,” Eddie interrupts, already seeing where this was leading. “I’m not mad at him for _anything_ that happened today. It was a natural disaster; it wasn’t his fault. If you had seen him today—” Eddie bites his tongue to keep from telling Maddie too much. He already knew he was going to be getting a lot of questions from Bobby and the team soon about just how Eddie was able to predict everything with the tsunami and...well he needed to talk to Buck and prepare for that with him.

Maddie nods, looking relieved. “Good. He—he hasn’t had very many people choose to stay in his life. Me included, and I just didn’t want him losing you two.”

“He won’t.” Eddie meant it. When he told Buck that they were in this for life, he fucking _meant it._

She smiles. “He’s being transferred now, so you two should go home and sleep. I’m going to pick him up and take him home tomorrow morning since his car was trashed. But he’ll be there. You know, in case you want to stop by.”

Eddie does take Christopher home. The next morning, Eddie is resolved to not let this tsunami be the end of what he and Buck had. He would make sure Buck knew that he wasn’t mad, he didn’t blame him at all. In fact, with every second Eddie watched Buck claw and fight his way through the walls of water to get to his son, Eddie fell deeper in love with him. He wasn’t going to sit around and let Buck think he’d lost Eddie too.

Maddie dropped Buck off early, but Eddie didn’t have to go back into work until 1pm. He hasn’t seen or heard anything from Buck since last night, but he was pretty sure he was awake. 

Christopher is overjoyed to hang out with Buck again, and he promised Eddie they wouldn’t go back to the beach. He said this time they’d go to the zoo, or just have a fun day inside. 

Eddie knocks on Buck’s door.

Christopher walks into Buck’s arms for a hug the second the taller man opens the door. Buck looks shocked frankly, even when Eddie gives him a genuine smile and an upbeat good morning. 

Eddie barrels on in right past Buck who lingers by the door. “Okay. There's a morning snack and midday snack, two coloring books and a bunch of Legos.” He turns to Buck, scrunching up his face in a conspiratorial whisper. “Between us, he's never built anything that kinda looks like anything. He just likes sticking things together.”

Eddie takes a wad of cash out of his pocket. “There's 20 bucks for pizza, and if I were you, I'd eat a couple extra slices. You look like you're wasting away to nothing.”

“Eddie—”

“I will say, honestly, you being laid up is working out for me. I mean, you're no abuela, and you're half a Carla, but you'll do in a pinch.” He doesn’t mean it, but he lets the joke land and hopes Buck sees it for what it actually is. 

Buck’s voice breaks as he asks, “You want _me_...to watch Christopher?”

Eddie stares at him, the confused way in which he furrows his brow—like he feels he doesn’t deserve to watch Christopher.

“It’s easy,” Eddie says, trying hard to stick with a light tone. He didn’t want to be pulled under by the bleak feelings of yesterday. “He’s not very fast.”

“After—After everything that happened?” Buck shakes his head. “I lost him, Eddie.”

He moves forward, coming closer into Buck’s space even when the man takes a step back. 

“You _saved_ him, Buck.” He points over at Christopher. “That’s how he remembers it. And now, it’s his turn to do the same for you.”

Buck rings his hands, looking down. Eddie studies his face, the scratches not bleeding anymore but the angry red of the barely closing scars still clearly visible. Eddie takes a step forward, grabbing Buck’s hand gently when he tries yet again to step away from him, a soft “don’t” under his breath to rival the heart-breaking one Buck gave him yesterday.

He pulls Buck in closer, the thunk of Buck’s steps obscured by the socks he’s wearing against the tile floor. They’re close enough that Eddie can see the watery shine of Buck’s eyes, the sniffs as he tries to stop himself from getting too emotional. But Eddie knew Buck better than that. He knew that this was hitting him harder than he was letting on.

“I was supposed to protect him.” There it was. 

“And what, you think you failed?” Eddie shakes his head, sliding his hand from Buck’s wrist, up his arm until it rested in the crook of his elbow, where Eddie could press lightly and feel Buck’s pulse. “I failed that kid more times than I care to count, and I’m his father. But I love him enough to never stop trying...and I know you do too.”

Buck looks up at him finally through fluttering eyelashes. He searches Eddie’s face, looking for something Eddie wasn’t sure of. Words weren’t Eddie’s specialty. He’d gotten better at it because of Christopher, but even still sometimes the wires in his brain got crossed and he couldn’t spit the words out even if they were bouncing around in his brain like a tornado.

He’d always relied on touch, on putting his thoughts into actions, hoping it was enough to get across that he cared. For so long, Eddie didn’t have the luxury of being able to touch Buck, not really. He could touch himself and have Buck feel it, and Buck could do the same to himself, but they had never _touched_ for real until Eddie catapulted himself over the unspoken line he’d drawn between them and landed right smack in the middle of Buck’s firehouse.

Now, getting to touch Buck for real, feeling his heartbeat, feeling his skin, was like a dream. Eddie moved his fingers up, brushing through the short blonde hairs on Buck’s arm, feeling the goose flesh rise steadily in reaction to Eddie’s fingertips. He nearly stops at Buck’s shoulder, but the fabric of his shirt is blocking him from feeling Buck’s skin, and quite frankly, Eddie couldn’t stop himself. He moved straight past his shoulder, to his neck, to the skin between the collar of his shirt and his clavicle. He lets his hand spread, feeling all the possible skin there was available to him. Buck shivers ever so slightly But Eddie could feel the quake of it and it sends an unexpected thrill through him. 

So he steps even closer, bringing his other hand up to ghost over the cuts on Buck’s face. Buck sucks in a hushed gasp, his eyelids flickering shut. But he leans forward, further into Eddie’s space and Eddie knows what it is, permission. He continues his gentle exploration of Buck’s face, gliding his fingertips past each wound like somehow they would heal if Eddie just touched every inch. It took Eddie a long time to realize what he wanted to do with his life, like Buck, Eddie sort of fell into medicine, fell into being an Army Medic and then just stuck with it because of the other opportunities it presented. In the Army, surrounded by death, some at his own hands, it was only the chance he got to heal his own team that brought him any sort of solace. 

Maybe it was because Eddie struggled so hard to heal himself that drew him towards healing others.

All he wanted in that moment was to take Buck’s pain away. Like if he could draw it into himself, then Buck would open his eyes and the hurt would disappear. Bring back the shine that Eddie had fallen in love with.

But just like in combat, Eddie found himself afraid. As strong as his desire to heal, was his instinct to flee. To hide and protect himself. It was like holding the live grenade in his hands again, only this time, the grenade was Buck’s face, something so precious to him, that if he made the wrong move, it would all explode in Eddie’s face. He wasn’t afraid for himself this time. If Buck exploded in his hands, that was okay, Eddie would use his body to cover the impact. 

His thumb stops at the corner of Buck’s mouth and that’s when Buck opens his eyes. The sun shining in behind them makes his eyes look a dazzling cerulean blue. So striking against the pale of his skin marred with red. His facial hair was starting to grow in again, and not for the first time Eddie wonders what it would feel like against his own.

He’s so eternally grateful that Buck made it out alive. More than anyone, Eddie knew the agony Buck had experienced yesterday. When that wave had hit Buck, Eddie felt it all like he’d been there right beside him. 

He knew Buck’s heart, he saw how Buck protected his son yesterday, pushed himself past the brink of physical exhaustion to protect his son. And not just from the wave. Eddie had seen how Buck had turned Christopher’s head away from the bodies, how he’d made Christopher feel strong even in the face of lethal danger. He knew Christopher hadn’t come out completely unscathed if the nightmare he’d had last night was any indication, but the fact that his son still had the capability to smile at Eddie this morning when he’d mentioned coming over to Buck’s house…

He owed Buck everything. The words were there in his head, smashing against his skull, forcing itself down his throat, sliding forward to the tip of his tongue.

“There’s no one in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

Buck’s face is close. Somehow in all of Eddie’s introspection, in his admiration of Buck’s face, and his heart and all that Buck is, they’d been drawn impossibly closer.

There’s the tiniest bit of a chill in the air, that’s what Eddie thinks when Buck’s fingers find Eddie’s forearm, his other hand just barely pressing into the loose cloth hanging off Eddie’s waist.

Eddie knows what he wants, and he’s done letting tsunamis try to take it away from him. 

He doesn’t know who leans in first, but Eddie’s hands haven’t left Buck’s face and they’re barely a breath away.

“Bucky, where’s the remote?”

Eddie pulls back sharply, Buck doing the same, nearly slipping on his stupid socks on the hardwood.

“Uh—” Buck clears his throat, glancing shyly back at Eddie before back to Christopher. How much had Chris seen? “I-um, I forgot. I’ll come help you find it.”

Eddie clears his throat, catching his breath. He keeps stealing glances at Buck, even as he searches for the remote. Eddie comes over and hugs Christopher, kissing his forehead again and giving him one last I love you.

Buck finds the remote to the TV and hands it to Christopher who thanks him happily before changing the channel to Cartoon Network.

“I gotta go,” Eddie points out, the clock ticking closer to the time he’s supposed to be at work. “But…”

Buck trails behind Eddie until they make it to the door. 

“We’ll talk later?” Eddie asks, trying to gauge Buck’s reaction. His face still looks a little red, but Eddie can’t tell if it’s a flush or just his wounds.

But then, Buck gives him a smile and the tension that had been locking Eddie’s muscles together relaxes. “Yeah, talk later.”

Eddie smiles back. “Good.” He turns to leave, nearly has the door shut when he remembers one last thing he wanted to tell Buck.

“Oh and—” Buck turns back around. “Thank you...for not giving up.”

He does leave after that, but his heart doesn’t calm down the whole drive over to the station. He gets dressed in silence, and goes upstairs to see if he could catch any leftovers from the breakfast Bobby most likely made. 

There is a plate left for him in the refrigerator and Eddie scarfs it down, then immediately goes to his phone to start texting Buck, telling him that maybe he could take Christopher to the zoo, or something inland this time. And also Bobby made calzones and Buck was missing out.

Bobby comes out of his office, calling Eddie’s name and asking him to join him in the captain’s office. Eddie furrows his brow. The captain never asked to speak in his office unless it was _serious_ serious.

Eddie follows, taking a seat after Bobby shuts the door.

“Yeah, Cap?”

“How are they?” Bobby asks. It makes something warm bloom in Eddie’s stomach, the fact that Bobby was asking him for updates on both Christopher and Buck, like Buck was also his to give updates on.

Eddie nods. “They’re doing alright given everything. I dropped Chris with him this morning.”

Bobby raises an eyebrow. 

“They’ll be fine. I told them to go to the zoo but I get the feeling they’ll probably just hang at home today.”

Bobby nods slowly, thinking about something. Eddie knows what’s probably coming.

“Eddie, about your conduct yesterday…”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie starts without letting him continue. “I know I acted unprofessional but...it was my _son_ and it was Buck and…”

He trails off when he sees the captain staring at him.

“That’s not really what I was going to ask about,” Bobby tells him. “I wanted to ask what happened before we even were called on scene. You—you were _hurt._ You fell to the ground and you were choking like you were the one who was drowning...And you knew about the tsunami before the warning even came through. You knew Buck and Christopher were in it, even when you had just shown us they were supposed to be at the movies, and you kept calling out to Buck and conversing with him like he could hear you.”

Oh yeah. Haha. _Fuck._

“Bobby I—” what the fuck was he supposed to say?

“I knew that you and Buck had this odd connection,” Bobby says. “I’ve known it practically since the day you showed up—maybe even before—” wait, what?— “but this was something else. This is way beyond just being so in sync with someone that you can predict what they’re going to say or ask for. This is…”

Eddie sighs, running a hand over his face. It was too late to come up with a rational explanation. Bobby had seen it all, had apparently been seeing it.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Bobby.” Eddie crosses his arms, looking out Bobby’s window. “We don’t exactly know what happened either. Neither of us have an explanation, it just...happened. And it never stopped.”

“So you two...what? You have a psychic connection or something?”

“Or something,” Eddie admits, squicked out just by hearing the words coming from Bobby’s mouth. “It’s hard to explain. You’ll think we’re crazy.”

“We’re way past crazy at this point, Eddie. I was following your lead yesterday for the most part, until we split up and I let you go on your own. If I didn’t believe you then I would’ve sent you home in a heartbeat.” Bobby leans back in his chair. “Can’t say it doesn’t make sense.”

Eddie scoffs. “If it makes sense to you, can you explain it to me?”

“You said you knew Buck before you came here?” Bobby asks. Eddie gives a curt nod. “I’m assuming it’s not by coincidence.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Nope.” He taps his noggin.

Bobby lets out a bewildered sigh. “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“And no explanation?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Alright.”

“Alright?” Eddie repeats. “That’s it?”

“You two have always been great partners,” Bobby says. “I don’t see why that would change just because you guys can read each other’s minds—”

“We can’t do that,” Eddie corrects. “I can just...see and hear him. But no thoughts.” He doesn’t mention the touch. That feels...almost private.

Bobby nods, accepting it readily to a surprising degree given that Eddie knew how religious Bobby was. It wasn’t anything like Buck’s mom, the overzealous kind, nor was it anything like Eddie’s family, but it was still religious to the point where Eddie worried about him knowing. But he wasn’t looking at Eddie like he was possessed, or like he was an abomination. 

“That’s...amazing,” Bobby breathes. Eddie raises an eyebrow. So yeah, Bobby seemed fascinated, not scared. Thankfully he didn’t ask too many more questions, but he did promise not to mention it to anyone else. “That’s not to say Chimney and Hen won’t have questions of their own, but I’ll let you deal with that on your own.”

Eddie stands up to leave. “Cap…?”

“Yeah?”

“About Buck’s job…”

Bobby groans. “Eddie…”

“Just—just don’t count him out, okay?” Eddie says. “He—I know it might sound biased, but I hope you can see that’s not where I’m coming from. He’s worked hard.”

“I know,” Bobby’s voice goes quiet. “That’s what worries me.”

Eddie takes a deep breath, ringing his hands. “You didn’t see what he went through yesterday. He—he saved so many people all on his own, without any equipment, without the uniform, and all while he was trying to keep Christopher safe. He...he doesn’t deserve to have this taken away from him.”

Bobby looks down at his hands. “It’s not up to me, Eddie. He quit. And he’s on blood thinners.”

“Yeah, but Bobby, your opinion matters to the chief. You can’t say it doesn’t. All I’m saying is...give him a chance. That’s all.”

Bobby regards Eddie silently, his face contemplative. He then nods. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

Eddie nods, tapping the door frame. He gives Bobby a small smile. “Thanks, Cap. And...and thanks for believing in me yesterday.”

Eddie turns away then, heading off to start his first task of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -Buck's canonical depression regarding his leg and his job  
> -all of the triggers involving/surrounding the tsunami  
> -slight suicidal ideation from Eddie after thinking he lost Christopher  
> -Buck's slight self-destruction revolving around his guilt for losing Christopher  
> -Touch aversion


	13. slow grenade is blowing up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song "Slow Grenade" by Ellie Goulding and Lauv
> 
> Alright guys. We're getting into Lawsuit/Street-fighting territory. Obviously there are changes to this plotline to fit my au, but please keep in mind that when it comes to The Great Buck vs. Bobby debate, both had valid points and both made mistakes. Nobody was right in their actions. It is a nuanced problem/plotline that most people in this fandom severely oversimplify. This story is told through Buck's perspective, however, so please keep in mind I am exploring his thoughts/feelings and motivations (however biased and skewed they may be) so please do not start a war with me about "Bobby bashing" or "babying Buck", cause I will not be entertaining those comments.
> 
> That being said, TW's in end notes (although I'm sure y'all can all guess what they are)
> 
> Also, I didn't get a chance to edit this chapter as closely as the others so forgive any mistakes.

29 Years Old: Buck 

In the end, Buck asks for his job back and accepts light duty, even if it means dressing up in an ugly bright white shirt and black slacks and being a god damn fire marshal. The only nice thing is that it means he gets to supervise a bunch of firehouses as they participated in the state mandated fire drills. When the 118 finally gets called in, Buck wastes no time in egging them on, ready to posture and throw his weight around given that they are relying on _his_ good scoring. 

This was only temporary, it was what kept Buck hanging on. Soon enough, he’d be off the blood thinners and he’d be back with his team, out there in the real world fighting fires and saving lives like he was meant to.

It’s all fun and games until a man has a seizure in the stairwell, falling and triggering a whole literal domino effect, knocking everyone in front of them over until the last one falls to the ground on the bottom floor. Now it was a real emergency.

There’s a lawyer hanging around, chasing the victims as the team loads them up into the ambulance to go to the hospital. Buck's not really paying attention to him, too busy focusing on his report and how he’s going to spin it to make it look like he’s needed back with the team—it’s the only way to prevent these accidents. 

Just as the team is about to pack up and leave, Buck catches Eddie, pulling him around the corner. “Hey…”

“Hey,” Eddie says back. “I see you're enjoying your new fire marshal gig.” He reaches out and flicks the picture badge hanging off Buck’s thigh from where he had clipped it.

Buck rolls his eyes. “Enjoy is a bit too strong. You could say that I am definitely _entertaining_ myself, but you know where I really want to be.” He reaches out and taps Eddie’s name tag over his turn out gear.

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, I know. But it’s only a little bit more of this and you’ll be back, okay? Just tough it out. You’ve braved worse.”

“Yeah…” Buck looks down. “Hey, uh. How’s Christopher? His nightmare’s getting any better?”

Eddie sighs, crossing his arms. “Not really. The child psychologist thinks he’s trying to tell me how he feels in his own way, and there’s been lots of drawings but—” Eddie looks exhausted, Buck leans over, bumping his arm into Eddie’s just for the comfort. “I just wish he would talk to me.”

It hurts, knowing that Christopher and Eddie were hurting and there was nothing Buck could really do to help them. He’d tried, he came over and made them food, tried to talk to Christopher about the tsunami as well, but during the daytime the kid acted as solid as a rock, bright smile and happy-go-lucky demeanor as if he wasn’t bothered at all.

It reminded Buck a lot of himself, and frankly, that scared him. He knew what it was like, putting on a smile so that people would stop asking questions. He didn’t want that for Christopher and he was sure as hell that Eddie had picked up on it too.

Eddie yawns then and Buck lets himself be unprofessional by taking his hand. “I can come over tonight...make some food, yeah? So you can just relax. Maybe take a nap?”

“My shift ends at 6.”

“You can take a nap while I cook and if you’re feeling up to it we can put a movie on.”

“Buck…”

“I know,” Buck answers hastily, “I know. I just—I just feel responsible for this—”

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you a natural disaster was not your fault until you believe it but…” Eddie says calmly, then smiles, squeezing Buck’s hand back. “I’d never say no to you making me food.”

Buck laughs, suddenly feeling light and frothy. He looks down, his face heating up suddenly. “Okay. Okay, great. I’ll see you tonight then.”

Buck’s shift ends much earlier than Eddie’s, so he decides to just head over to Eddie’s early. Carla’s there with Christopher, and the little boy greets Buck with the same level of enthusiasm—if not more—that he always did.

“You cooking?” Carla asks. “Mmmm, you spoil these Diaz boys, I’m not sure they deserve it!”

“I do!” Christopher says. 

“That’s right, _you_ do,” Carla laughs.

“Buck loves us so he makes us food a lot and watches movies with us and stays the night sometimes too!”

Carla raises an eyebrow at Buck who ducks his head, avoiding Carla’s gaze. Truth is ever since the morning after the tsunami...after they almost kissed...Buck hadn’t been able to get it out of his head. It was just like that time when Eddie had joined him in the backseat of the ladder truck with that girl. Those memories were never too far from his mind but for a while they’d taken a backseat, didn’t haunt him as much as it had before Eddie showed up in person. But now, with the thought of Eddie’s lips being so close to meeting his, of that somehow being a real possibility...the memories from that day in the ladder truck were coming back with a vengeance. 

Sometimes Buck wondered if he’d imagined how close they had come to kissing. If it had just been in his head, the touch of Eddie’s hands all over his neck and face, his lips and chin. The way it tugged at his belly button when Eddie pulled him in by his cheeks. 

The thought of what almost occurred was almost more mouthwatering than if they’d actually kissed.

They hadn’t really had a chance to talk about it too much since then, even though they did hang out later that night. Buck had been worried that Eddie might’ve been awkward around him, or worse, that he might want space away from him. But Eddie hadn’t changed at all, if anything he was seeking out Buck more, inviting him over, leaning into his space. 

It was just with Eddie working 24 hour shifts and Buck...decidedly _not_ doing the same 24 hour shifts, all other time they had to spend together was spent when Eddie was home or on his day offs, and those days meant Christopher was there (which Buck loved, he wouldn’t trade anything for his time with Christopher) which meant they were restricted from talking about... _specific_ topics.

Eddie comes home about an hour later, and Buck has already started dinner. Carla gives him a kiss on the cheek as she leaves.

Eddie trudges into the kitchen. “What are you making?”

“It’s pretty basic,” Buck shrugs. “Just some spaghetti.”

“You're using _wine?”_ Eddie asks.

“All the alcohol is boiled out!” Buck laughs. “Don’t worry, it’s kid friendly.”

“Hmm,” Eddie says, moving forward to look over Buck’s shoulders to dip a spoon into the sauce to taste it. “That’s good.”

Buck’s too busy watching his face, the burn of Eddie’s hand on his shoulder much more distracting. Actually the smack of Eddie’s lips around the spoon was the most distracting even when Eddie looked at him, waiting for him to answer.

“Oh shit, sorry, what did you say?”

Eddie smirks, and his lips are pretty and they catch around his sharp canines as he says something that Buck misses yet again.

Buck blinks three times, shaking his head again. “Uh, one more time?”

Eddie throws his head back and laughs and how was that supposed to not be equally as distracting?!

Eddie’s fingers linger on Buck’s back as he moves away. “I’ll go set the table.”

It’s all so domestic, and yet nothing has really changed all that much. This wasn’t the first time Buck made dinner for the Diaz men, and it wasn’t the first time he was planning on spending the night. But it was the first time doing so while Eddie shot him soft smiles and glazed eyes. When Eddie was reaching towards him purposefully, leaving fire on Buck’s skin whenever so much as the pad of his finger grazed him. 

Christopher loves the spaghetti, the sauce splattering all over the dinner table and all over his shirt. Eddie winks at him when he wipes Christopher’s mouth with a napkin before the kid wipes it all off on his shirt. After dinner, Eddie settles Christopher on the couch and then helps clear the table. 

“I can get it,” Buck says, moving over to start the dishes as Eddie leans against the cupboard. “Seriously, Eddie, you look beat. You should go to bed early tonight.”

Eddie sighs deeply, and it turns into a yawn. “Not sure how much sleep I’d get anyway. He’s been waking up every couple of hours.” He presses his thumb and finger into his eyes. “If this is what it was like for Shannon when he was a newborn, I’m definitely making up for missing that now.”

Buck doesn’t outwardly react, but he does check the fact that Eddie seemed to be able to talk about Shannon without flinching. He was voluntarily bringing her up, Buck wasn’t about to ruin it by pointing it out.

“I can put him to bed,” Buck volunteers. “And if he wakes up in the middle of the night I can help out too. We can take turns or-or something…” Buck trails off, realizing how stupid it sounded with every word that came out of his mouth. He was overstepping. Again. Trying to get into Eddie’s business when he had no right to. Christopher was Eddie’s son not his, and he was acting just like Eddie’s parents, trying to dictate how Eddie should parent his kid. _Fuck,_ he just royally fucked up. He needed to apologize right now stat or Eddie was going to hate him—

“I’m—”

Eddie, who was leaning against the counter by his side, rocks forward onto his tip toes and presses a soft kiss to his cheek, lips lingering just for a moment or two, but it feels almost like an eternity. Buck nearly drops the dish he’s holding in the sink. He pulls back too soon, and Buck is sure he’ll never recover. Eddie smirks, turning his head away to hide it for just a moment before he stands up straight, patting his back. 

“You’ve got first shift then,” he says with a smile. “I’m going to go say goodnight to Chris and then pass out.”

“O-Okay.”

Buck strains to hear Eddie talking to Chris, he hears his name and that he was going to be putting him to bed. There’s another wet smack where Buck knows Eddie’s just kissed his son on the cheek too and Buck feels like he’s home. 

He finishes the dishes up quickly, going to sit on the couch and finish up the movie with Chris. Eddie has long since gone to bed. Buck passes by his room once on the way to the bathroom and sees the door cracked open just a bit. It was enough for Buck to see Eddie zoinked out on his bed and also enough to hear in case anybody needed him.

When the movie ends, Buck lets Christopher take the lead on his own bed time routine, brushing his teeth, changing into his pajamas and washing his face. Chris beams at him now like he was proud of himself and Buck gives him a wink, hoping he saw how impressed Buck always was by him. 

Christopher gets himself into bed, and Buck pulls the covers up. Christopher asks for a bedtime story, and who was he to deny his favorite boy a story? He turns to Christopher’s bookshelf, asking him what he wants to read.

“I don’t want to read a book,” Christopher says.

“Oh. Then what do you want me to read to you?”

“Tell me a story about you and daddy when you were younger.”

Huh. Well, Buck could say he wasn’t exactly expecting that. 

“A story from when we were younger, huh? Hmmm…” Buck thinks about it for a moment, trying to come up with something that would be kid appropriate and that they hadn’t already told him.

“Well, you know Chris, I actually met you when you were only a few days old.”

Christopher’s eyes widen to saucers. “You _did?”_

Buck smiles brightly to match Christopher’s enthusiasm. “I did! You were such a small baby, Chris. Like...the _tiniest_ little baby I had ever seen in my life. And you were crying so loud I could hear you from the other side of the country.”

Christopher giggles, settling into Buck’s side as he made himself comfortable, stretching out his legs on the bed. 

“You were so cute though. You had the chubbiest cheeks.” Buck gets lost in the memory for a second before remembering he was supposed to be telling a story not just reminiscing. “Anyway, you were crying up a storm—” “— _Buck!—”_ “—and your mommy was really tired, so your dad came in to pick you up and comfort you, and hopefully rock you back to sleep.”

“Like how he does now?”

“Exactly,” Buck says. “Whenever you cry your dad comes running, because he loves you and he doesn’t want you to be sad.”

Christopher nods solemnly.

“So your dad picked up tiny baby Chris in his arms and sat on your rocking chair and he sang you a song.”

“What song?”

“Have you ever seen Phantom of the Opera?”

“No.”

“Yeah, makes sense.” It was a bit too mature for Chris still but maybe in a few years. “There’s a song in that movie that made your dad think of you. So he sang it to you to help you fall asleep.”

“Did he have a good voice?”

“Yes, he has such a pretty voice,” Buck tells him honestly. “Though he was having a hard time singing.”

“Why?”

“Well…he was really sad because he knew he would have to go back to the Army soon, but he didn’t want to go. He wanted to be with you.”

“Oh…” Christopher murmurs, bringing his hand up to his chin. “Did you comfort him?”

Buck rubs Christopher’s arm. “I tried to. You know when people get really sad, sometimes there’s not much you can really do to make them feel better. Sometimes, you just gotta sit with them, and listen to them, and tell them—”

“You’re gonna be okay?”

Buck smiles, ruffling Christopher’s hair. “Exactly.”

Christopher nods like it makes sense. “What were you doing? When daddy was singing to me?”

“Me?” Buck asks, then takes a deep breath, trying to ease the familiar ache of loneliness that used to follow him around like a shadow everywhere he went. “Well...I was far away. In Seattle, but I was watching. I was...well...I was really sad too.”

“Why?”

“Because...I was alone.”

“But you weren’t alone,” Chris points out. “You had daddy with you.”

Buck nods, trying not to start crying. “Yeah, yeah you're right. I’ve always had your dad with me right here—” Buck taps his forehead— “and right here.” He taps two fingers to his heart.

Christopher taps his own heart twice just like Buck had. “That’s where Mommy is.”

“That’s exactly right,” Buck says. “You carry your mommy and your daddy in your heart every day, even when they aren’t physically here. Just like how they carry you in their hearts.”

“And you carry me and daddy in yours?” Christopher asks.

Buck really hadn’t expected bedtime to be like this, but now that he was here, he was grateful that Eddie let him have this. 

“Yeah, buddy.” Buck taps his heart again. “You and your dad. Right here. Always.” 

He continues telling Chris other tales from what he can remember growing up. Soon enough Christopher is out like a light and Buck must’ve forgotten to get up because next thing he knows he’s being awoken by Eddie and it’s 3am.

“Oh shit,” Buck whispers, carefully extracting his arm from under Christopher’s weight. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s okay,” Eddie smiles, helping Buck to his feet and then bending over to press a kiss to Christopher’s sleeping head. “He bamboozled you. It’s what he always does to me. Tricks me into a long story so I accidentally fall asleep in his bed.”

Buck chuckles, pressing his hand into the back of his neck. “He’s a good kid.”

Buck follows Eddie out of Christopher’s room and into the living room. He pulls out a pillow and a blanket and hands them to Buck hesitantly, sparing a glance back towards his bedroom before clamping his mouth shut. 

“You get some rest,” Eddie tells him. “Next time he wakes up, I got him.”

“Okay,” Buck says, going to set up the couch for himself. Eddie looks back and forth, once again seeming to struggle to figure out what he wants to do. Eventually, he makes up his mind, whispers one last goodnight to Buck before heading back to his room. 

He makes his bed and tries to fall into sleep again. He manages to float in that space between asleep and deep sleep for a few hours before he hears crying and his eyes snap open. He hears Eddie getting up and going into Christopher’s room. This time he hears what Christopher was saying. 

“She was drowning, she was drowning, she was drowning.”

Eddie sits with him, holding him and comforting him and Buck stays laying on the couch like he couldn’t hear a thing. He lets himself marinate in the guilt, knowing it was all his fault Christopher was dreaming about people drowning.

“Who was drowning?” Eddie asks in a low voice. 

Neither of them really expect Christopher to tell them. He assumes it was likely one of the many women Christopher had seen drowning during the tsunami.

“Mommy…” Christopher whispers.

Buck shuts his eyes tight.

“Christopher,” Eddie’s voice morphs into something so heartbroken and Buck feels like he shouldn’t be here listening to this. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“...I didn’t want to make you sad.”

“Hey, hey.” He hears a shuffle of bedding. “There’s nothing wrong with being sad. I loved your mom and I miss her. I always will. But...we still got each other...which means we’re gonna be okay?”

“Because you carry her in your heart?”

Eddie is silent for a moment before he says, “Of course, Chris.”

Buck barely hears Christopher’s “I love you”, but it echoed loudly inside his heart. 

* * *

It’s several days later when Buck gets a voicemail from the lawyer guy. The one who had been chasing ambulances at the fire drill. He wants to meet with Buck, chat with him about what went down at the high rise. He ignores it. 

Buck had finished his report on the 118 which, all injuries aside, wasn’t all that bad. And if he modified a bit of the numbers, it was neither here nor there and nothing suspicious either. Just shaved off a few seconds. 

The nice thing about being a fire marshal means he’s free to come and go from the office as he pleases. So if he so _pleases_ to march down to his firehouse in the middle of the work day to oh so casually drop off the 118’s results, he was just doing his job.

He runs into Eddie, Chim and Hen almost right away and man is it good to see them here in the firehouse. Now only if Buck could be back in that matching uniform right alongside them then all would be perfect. Eddie smiles at him, looks him up and down. Buck would never get tired of Eddie's eyes on him. 

Bobby joins them right after and Buck is quite happy to let him know that they passed the fire drill, and he barely needed to mess with the math.

“You don’t know math,” Eddie teases him with a wink and Buck feels a pang of desire for him in his gut just from that.

“Which will be my excuse if anyone calls me out on it,” Buck smiles right back at him, happy to play this game if it means Eddie’s attention is on him. “Speaking of, did any of you guys get a call from that lawyer? He wants to talk to me about the building violations. Think somebody might be suing them.”

“Hey, Diaz!” A woman’s voice calls. “Can I get a spot over here?”

Buck turns around spotting an unfamiliar red-head on the bench lifting weights. Buck frowns. Why was she asking for Eddie of all people to spot her? Couldn’t she just ask any of the other guys actually in the gym at that very moment, or someone who Buck wasn’t in the middle of a conversation with? Or just anyone who’s _not_ Eddie?

“Gotcha,” Eddie calls back to her. He then slaps Buck’s shoulder. “See you later, man.”

Buck watches him jog off to join her. He points his thumb at them and turns back to Bobby. “Who’s that?”

“Lena Bosko. She’s part of the 136 who was displaced during the tsunami so I invited her to come here for the time being.”

“You replaced me?” Buck asks. That’s what this was, they had an open spot on the team because Buck wasn’t there to fill it and they just up and _replaced_ him with some random person and she was over there working out with Eddie where Buck was supposed to be.

“Calm down, no one is replacing you,” Bobby says in a grating voice that immediately alerts Buck that whatever it was he was doing, it was annoying Bobby. “It’s just temporary until they can return to their own firehouse.”

“Oh yeah, then what’s that right there?” Buck points over at his shelf where all of his turn out gear and helmet was kept. Right over the placard with his name was a taped ‘osko’. This woman, whoever she was, was even taking the ‘B’ from his name. Did she just want to take _everything_ that was his?

“Buck, relax. I promise your place will still be here for you when you’re ready.”

“Cap, I’m ready _now.”_

The bell rings right then and whatever conversation they could’ve had goes right out the window. Buck watches as everyone runs off, biting his lip when he sees Eddie throw Lena her jacket as she climbs into the seat right next to Eddie, _his_ seat. 

As the trucks leave Buck finds himself alone in the firehouse. He’d been the man behind before, everyone had at least once; it was a shifting rotation. But never had he felt so... _forgotten._ He should be on the truck, with his team, heading out towards whatever emergency they were called to. He shouldn’t be standing here with a damn _clipboard_ in his hand while all of his family moved on without him. Buck glares at that stupid tape over his name. 

_Fuck this._ He rips it off. He was getting his job back, and he would show the team that he wasn’t so easily erased.

* * *

That lawyer calls him again and this time he invites Buck to come into his office to chat about the building and although Buck really doesn’t feel comfortable meeting up with him, he decides to anyway, just to hear what he has to say. And if Buck had to defend the department and his team, he would. Besides, maybe he could get some ideas from this guy on how to get his job back.

It ends up being exactly what he expected. The lawyer—Chase, an appropriate name for an ambulance chaser—wants to know if he thought the LAFD were negligent in their response time and their means of evacuation. His questions are all about the LAFD, not the building itself, and then his questions turn to Buck, to his injury, to the blood thinners and his job.

He wants Buck to implicate the LAFD, to give him the evidence he wants to sue the city, not the building. 

Buck keeps his mouth shut. This isn’t a corporation or a corrupt business. The LAFD is his family, his friends. They’re heroes. Why would he throw them under the bus when he’s trying so hard to get back to them?

* * *

Bobby invites him over for dinner at his and Athena’s house. It was a bit unexpected but at the same time not, Bobby said he had wanted to talk to Buck about everything.

Buck had managed to calm himself down just a little bit. It was meeting with the slimy lawyer that made him realize that he didn’t want to go through those means of getting his job back. He had other ideas. If he could prove to Bobby that he was taking care of his health, and meaning it, maybe the captain would put in a good word for him with the department. 

“I was thinking, there’s strength in numbers, right? If I could get everyone to sign a statement of support or something, show the higher ups that you guys don’t think I’m a liability—”

“Buck—”

“They’d have to listen, right? I mean if _you_ told them that I was ready, then these _dumb asses—”_

“I’m the dumb ass!” Bobby shouts, effectively shutting Buck up. Buck stares at the older man, then at Athena who looks just as worried, and then back to Bobby.

“Uh...what?”

Bobby sighs, looking at Buck hard. “I...They asked me a while ago. And I told them you weren’t ready.”

Buck’s heart sinks. He hadn’t wanted to think it, hadn’t dared to let his mind go there. 

“You’re...you’re the reason they won’t let me back?”

“At the time when they asked I didn’t think you were ready to be back. And now with what happened during the tsunami...” Bobby says, shaking his head. “I’m the captain of almost 20 other firefighters whose lives and safety depends on decisions I make, and I couldn’t put them at risk. If you’re not operating at 100%—”

“I am at 100%!” Buck slips, banging his hand on the table and immediately stops when he sees the startled look on Athena’s face. “Maybe even more...I...I’ve never felt so good.”

He meant it, when he said he learned a lot through living through that tsunami. It showed him that the blood thinners couldn’t stop him. That he wouldn’t give up when it mattered. That was just who he was.

Apparently who he is was never going to be enough for Bobby.

“Buck, I know you went through a lot in that tsunami and you feel like you can survive anything, but you can’t. You are also one of the men I have to protect, even if it means protecting you from yourself—”

“From myself? Bobby, I didn’t cause the truck bombing or the tsunami—”

“I know that,” Bobby grits his teeth. “But the blood clots? How hard you pushed yourself to the point of breaking—“

“I only did it to come back to work, to come back to the team—”

“If you could just be mature and think about your health first and be patient, then you can come back—”

“Boys…” Athena tries to warn.

“How am I ever going to get the chance if you’re telling the chief not to let me back?” Buck demands.

“I said that then because it was true but what I’m trying to tell you now is—” 

“I told you Bobby, I _need_ this job—”

“The job can wait, Buck! You’re not so important that you can’t just wait a couple of months until you’ve healed properly—”

_You’re not important._

_Not necessary. Not needed._

_Not wanted._

_Replaceable._

He stands up, chair scraping hard. 

Bobby tries to back track. “Wait, Buck, that didn’t come out right, I didn’t mean—”

In a daze, Buck thanks Athena for the food, barely hearing as Athena scrambles to get him to stay, to listen.

“Buck—” Bobby tries again, but Buck can’t be here any longer.

He ignores whatever else they try to say, marching out the door, determined not to let them see him cry. 

* * *

Buck ignores Bobby’s phone calls, and Athena’s. He doesn’t respond to any of the texts they send, or that Hen and Chim send, which was not that many to begin with. It made sense, he guessed. They all had their own lives to think about, their own families. They all had something to occupy their lives outside of firefighting. They all had more important people to spend their time with. And it’s not like they were reaching out to hang out before anyway. No, Chim was busy with his sister, Hen had her whole family to care for and Eddie—

Fuck. Buck thought that he had found his place with Eddie and Chris.

Guess he was wrong.

He ignores Eddie’s calls and texts too. It would be enough, if Eddie didn’t have a direct line to him through his mind. He could feel Eddie poking around, trying to connect with him but Buck just couldn’t do it...he didn’t want to see any of it. He didn’t want to see Eddie’s adventures with his new partner Lena, he didn’t want to see the Captain running his team flawlessly, like he was happy to be rid of Buck the Nuisance. The one who _endangers_ the team.

Did Eddie know about this? Did he know that Bobby had advised _against_ letting Buck back on the team? And if he had...why had he encouraged Buck to take the fire marshal job? Why had he pushed Buck so hard to suck it up and just deal with it when no matter how long he waited, Bobby was never going to let him back?

In the periphery of his mind the lawyer's words come crawling back. 

_Who’s protecting you?_

Nobody. All he wanted was just to mean something to somebody. He wanted to be the one someone wanted to protect for once, someone that somebody _cares_ about. Why is it that it feels like he’s always everyone’s last choice. He has a family, and yet he doesn’t.

He calls the lawyer, sets up a meeting for the next day. 

* * *

“If you go down this road, I need you to know, suing the city is not a small matter.”

Buck sighs, leaning forward. “All I want is my job back.”

“But if you don’t win, not only will you never work as a firefighter in the city of Los Angeles again, I doubt any department in the country will have you.”

He feels it again, the poking in the corners of his mind. His vision starts to fade, and he can see the ladder truck in front of him, Hen and Chim in the distance, looking over a woman with a bloodied forehead. 

**_Buck...what are you doing?_ **

“You see once a potential employer sees you as a litigious liability, it’s impossible to unring that bell.”

**_Are you—are you with that ambulance chaser lawyer? Buck!_ **

“Not if I win…” Buck says, even though it comes out weaker than intended and ends up sounding like a question. “Then I’m back with the 118 and..a firefighter.”

**_Buck, whatever you’re doing with this guy, it’s not a good idea. This guy...he’s insidious. He’s not doing this to get you back to being a firefighter, he just wants money, Buck._ **

Fuck. _Fuck,_ Buck knows that but— what else can he do? He can’t give his job up, no matter what Bobby says, or what he told the chief. Buck _needed_ to be back at the 118. What other way was there?

“Can I...can I think about it?” Buck asks.

Chase sighs, obviously impatient, but tells him to sleep on it and give him a call tomorrow. 

Buck leaves the office but Eddie’s not finished with him.

**_Buck, suing the city...that’s not going to get you your job back. All that’s going to do is make it so that they never hire you again—_ **

“Did you know?” Buck demands as he slams the door to his jeep (which he’d just finally got back from the repair shop after the tsunami had done significant damage). 

**_Know what?_ **Buck watches as Eddie paces, putting away equipment before stalling off to the side to talk to Buck.

“That Bobby purposefully told the department not to take me back,” Buck spits, his face scrunching in anger the longer he thinks about it. “He lied to my face, said that you guys weren’t replacing me and then told me that he didn’t _want_ me back. That I was a liability.”

He feels the dip in Eddie’s own ire, sees the way he stands still, stunned. 

**_Buck...we’re not replacing you, I—I didn’t know that Bobby did that, I swear. But Buck, a lawsuit is not the way to go with this. Go to the union or something, they might help, but a lawsuit is going to royally screw you over. Screw_ ** **everyone** **_over._ **

Buck shakes his head, biting his lip. “Right. And I’m sure you’re having the time of your life with your new partner.”

 **_New partner, what—_ ** **Lena?** **_Buck—_ **

“It’s whatever, Eddie.” Buck turns the ignition on, pulling out of the parking lot.

 **_Buck, just don’t sue the city,_ ** **seriously—**

“I’m _not_ , okay? I won’t. But I just—I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

 **_Diaz, you coming?_ ** Buck hears Lena’s voice. Fucking of _course._ Eddie disappears from his head, and Buck stomps on the gas pedal, trying to put as much distance behind him as he could.

*

32 Years Old: Eddie 

Eddie, to put it lightly, was nothing short of furious. He hadn’t spoken to Buck in a week and a half and it was driving him insane. Christopher’s nightmares were getting better. Well, not necessarily _better,_ but less frequent, and less intense. He and Christopher were talking about it more, talking about Shannon, about the times before she left and the times after she came back. It seemed to be helping Christopher. But it didn’t stop him from asking after Buck every single day. He’d missed movie night, and he was still refusing to answer his calls or respond to his texts and even worse than that, he was shutting Eddie out of his head. 

As far as he knew Buck wasn’t talking to anyone else either. Chim would not stop talking about how Maddie was getting on his case about what was happening with Buck. Eddie didn’t know what to tell him. Honestly he was frustrated with Bobby. Eddie had specifically asked him to not just write Buck off and the man still had. Eddie could understand why Buck was angry, he did, he got it. 

What was pissing Eddie off was that Buck was purposefully shutting _him_ out. _Again._ What happened to all of those years where they’d not spoken and all it had done was cause more harm? Eddie thought they had talked about this, thought they were on the same page. He and Buck were a team, why was he all of a sudden thinking Eddie was replacing him with Lena? Sure, she was cool, and it seemed like he could be friends with her, but she wasn’t his partner. Buck was his partner, always was and always will be. Eddie had to work with her for the time being until she went back to her station, so why was Buck acting like Eddie had cheated on him?

But more than that, Buck was supposed to be his partner too. He wasn’t supposed to shut him out, he wasn’t supposed to just pretend he didn’t exist. Was he even thinking about him? About Christopher? About how much it hurt both of them to have Buck straight up _ignoring_ them? 

It stung just as bad if not more than Shannon leaving. Eddie had trusted Buck with all of it, with all of him, with Chris, with _everything,_ and he just threw it back in his face like it was nothing.

Christopher was going to a birthday party sleepover combo at the zoo. Eddie was more than happy to come pick Christopher up, or have Carla do it, after the party—he was worried about if Christopher might have a hard time sleeping overnight someplace that wasn’t their house—but Christopher had shrugged him off. He wanted to stay the night, so Eddie took a step back, let Christopher have his fun with his friends on his own. Didn’t mean he still didn’t send six emails to Tasha about what to do if there were any emergencies at all, or if Christopher just needed him for anything. He knew it was unlikely that he would need to be called for anything—Christopher rarely needed him to come pick him up once he’d already settled in for the day. But still...he was supposed to go home to an empty house, no kid, no Buck. No one. 

Thinking about Buck, and the lack of Buck in his house, and with Chris and with him, was starting to grate on Eddie’s nerves again. That’s what he blames his temper on when some random asshole starts berating him about parking his truck in the handicap spot. 

It’s _not_ what he tells Lena when he lands himself in jail for throwing a single measly punch at the dude. 

He knew his choices were limited. He couldn’t call his Abuela, and if Bobby knew about this there would be hell to pay, and Hen and Chim couldn’t keep their mouths shut to save their lives. The 118 was out. And Buck—

He would be lying if he said he didn’t try to reach Buck. Tried to speak to him like only they could. He’d even risked looking like a crazy person, talking out loud to himself in an empty jail cell, and Buck still wasn’t letting him in. He had fully and completely shut Eddie out and for that, Eddie was mad as hell. He grit his teeth the whole time through phoning Lena, the only option he had left. She was surprised to hear from him, and even more surprised to hear he’d punched a guy.

“I think you’ve seemed a lot tense lately,” Lena says, “Wanna tell me what’s going on? Since apparently we reached the bailing out of jail phase of our new friendship?”

Eddie sighs, rolling his eyes. “It’s nothing. I’m just—irritable since Christopher’s having a hard time sleeping and I just dropped him off at a sleepover and I have to go home alone and I can’t reach Buck and—” Eddie stops himself, biting his tongue.

“Buck, huh?” Lena catches on to Eddie’s dismay. “He’s the guy who had the ladder truck crush his leg, right?” 

Eddie winces but nods anyway. “Yeah. He’s my partner.” And even in all this, Eddie still misses him. He’s furious as all fuck, but he misses Buck more. Why was he so weak like this? Why couldn’t just accept that people never wanted to stay for him and that anyone he let into his and Christopher’s lives would always eventually drop them.

“Hen and Chim have been talking a lot about him,” Lena comments as they make their way to her car. His was still in the zoo parking lot where he would need to go pick it up. “Seems like he’s on bad terms with your Cap?”

“He’s not—” Eddie groans. “It’s not like that okay? Buck got hurt and he wants to come back but then apparently Bobby voted _against_ him returning and Buck almost sued the department and he _still_ won’t talk to me and—”

“Whoa, whoa, _whoa,”_ Lena puts a hand up. “That’s a lot of information all at once there, Diaz. Are you sure Christopher’s nightmares are the only thing getting you worked up?”

“Just drop it, Lena.”

She shrugs. “Alright. Just saying, maybe you need a better outlet than just punching handicap dudes in parking lots.”

“He wasn’t handi—ugh.”

Eddie gets in the passenger seat of her car and she gives him a huffed laugh. “Well since you got no plans tonight I think I have the perfect place to go. You down?”

Eddie shrugs. “Fine.” He had nothing better to do anyway. He had been looking forward to hanging out with Buck, the two of them finally having a discussion about _them_ and all that they were and all that they were becoming. Instead, Buck had blocked the entire world out, including Eddie, after they’d _promised—_

Okay, yeah, maybe he needed to let it all out.

He didn’t expect Lena to take them to a fight club. And he didn’t expect Lena to _fight_ in the fight club. And she was good too. Knocked the guy clean out twice her size. It was kinda super impressive but Eddie still wasn’t sure how this was supposed to help him. He did MMA, sure, but he didn’t really think something as chaotic as this was what he needed to get out of his head. Still, it was enough to distract him for the night, and keep his mind off of Buck and how much he missed him and how angry he was about it until he had to go pick up Christopher from his sleepover.

And of course the first thing Christopher asked was about if Buck could come over that night. It pissed him off that he had to tell his kid that Buck was ‘busy’ and so he couldn’t come over, when he had been telling Chris that same excuse all week and he had to drop him off at home with Carla with such a defeated expression on his face that it made Eddie’s heart nearly crack in two. Christopher was still mourning over losing his mom, he was still trying to grapple with the trauma of the tsunami. He was just a little boy, and yet another adult in his life who he had _trusted_ had taken themselves out of the picture. 

He manages to channel his aggression into working out in between calls and to the heavy lifting on calls. He gets a notification that the guy with the knee surgery was dropping the charges and if baffles Eddie because of course he did. The guy never had two legs to stand on with a case like that. And why was everyone so god damn lawsuit trigger happy in the first place, huh?

They team heads to the grocery store and Eddie is put on Deli duty with Lena and he tells her all of this. She seems to think it’s unhealthy that he’s not letting any of this go and she keeps on bringing up—

“Buck?”

Eddie freezes as he comes around the aisle and sees Buck talking to Hen and Chim, pretending to buy cat laxative of all things when everyone _knows_ Buck is a dog person. 

“I just wanted to apologize,” Buck says to Hen and Chim and _Bobby,_ and he’s not even looking at Eddie. “I know I kinda went MIA on you guys and was ignoring your calls. I know the union rep came by to talk to Bobby yesterday—”

Wait, what? When did that happen? 

“And I just wanted to say I’m sorry for even considering listening to that Mackey guy and—”

And that was the final straw for Eddie.

“Yeah? What did you think was going to happen?” Five sets of eyes train on Eddie but he doesn’t even care. “I get that you're upset about your job, but you just decide to ice us all out like that? What, did you think none of us care? Of course we fucking care Buck, that’s why we’ve been trying to get ahold of you. And instead you think the best way is to go and talk to a fucking lawyer?”

“I know, Eddie, and I’m sorry, okay? But I thought you of all people would understand. Why can’t you see my side of this?”

“See your—?!” Eddie bites his lip hard but it’s not enough to keep the enraged words from spewing from his mouth. “Do you even hear yourself right now? You almost sued the city and for what? Because Bobby told the department you weren’t ready to be reinstated again? Well, maybe he was right if this is what you were gonna go and pull.”

“Whoa, what?” Chimney asks, even though Eddie barely registers it. Hen and Chim look towards Bobby. “Cap, is that true?”

“I—”

Eddie cuts Bobby off. “It doesn’t matter because you just up and decided that nobody cares about you and that we were replacing you, and now I can’t even talk to you. I couldn’t even call you to bail me out of jail—”

“Uh...what now?” Hen remarks.

 _Shit._ “ _If_ that was something that happened.”

Buck looks confused. “Eddie, what are you talking about?”

“Do you have any idea how much Christopher misses you?” Eddie barrels on, moving forward, trying to get Buck to just fucking _see_ all that he had in front of him, all that he had thrown away. _Do you have any idea how much I miss you?_ “How could you? You’re not around.”

And Buck looks utterly destroyed by that. 

“I—Eddie, I didn’t mean—” Buck’s chin wobbles. “Maybe I could come and visit—”

Visit? _Visit?_ Eddie doesn’t want Buck to come fucking visit, he wants him to come home! He wants him to get his fucking head out of his ass and realize that he has a fucking family. He has Eddie and Chris and they need him. What would it take for Buck to realize that he can’t just go about _abandoning_ them just like Shannon—

Fuck, that’s exactly what this is, wasn’t it? That’s why Eddie was so fucking enraged all the time, because Buck just fucking left them like Shannon did. 

“You still don’t fucking get it, Buck!” Eddie throws his hands up in the air. “You can’t just shut me out again! This isn’t Brazil or the Army or Texas where you can just hang up and ignore me, okay? I’m here! I’m right fucking here, and I thought we agreed that we wouldn’t shut each other out anymore. I thought that we were your family—that you and I were—”

Two cars collide head on with each other right outside the window. It’s loud and brash and grates on Eddie’s ears, horns honking and tires squealing. Eddie turns away from the scene and back to Buck, giving him one last fiery look only to be met with Buck’s broken expression.

Bobby calls them all out of the store to attend to the two totalled cars, one of which now has its whole back end in the air from where a fire hydrant was shooting water up its ass. Eddie doesn’t see Buck after that, but now he feels the connection creeping open, the feel of a hand on his shoulder.

Eddie shrugs it off, still too mad to be receptive of anything. 

The feeling of the hand blows away with the wind.

* * *

Bobby asks to talk to him later that evening, right as he’s about to head home. 

“Cap, I mean this with the utmost respect, but I’m really not in the mood—”

“I just wanted to apologize,” Bobby says. “I know things got out of hand and I made a mistake with Buck and—”

“Did you not hear anything that I asked?” Eddie remarks. “I thought you were going to give him a chance.”

“I was-I am,” Bobby clarifies. “I retracted my statement to the LAFD.”

“What?”

“After you and I talked. After the tsunami. I retracted it,” Bobby says. “I tried to tell him that night but then we both got so caught up in our emotions and he left before I could explain.”

“Then maybe he’s the one you should be explaining it to. Not me.” Bobby levels Eddie with a look. “Sir.”

“I know. I just—” Bobby shakes his head, crossing his arms. “I worry about him pushing himself too far. I know what happens when you push your body past its limitations, I know what it leads to and I can’t—I couldn’t live with myself if I let the same thing that happened to me happen to Buck.”

Eddie looks down, thinking about Christopher and all the ways he continuously feels like he’s failed the kid. How he was constantly afraid that he was going to instill the same fucked up repressed tendencies in his kid that he had in himself. Christopher made Eddie want to be a better person, it’s why Eddie tried so hard not to baby Christopher, not to make him feel like he was incapable because of his CP, or like he was worth any less than anyone else. It sinks in for Eddie then. Bobby looked at Buck the same way Eddie looked at Christopher. And Bobby was afraid. He was terrified that Buck was going to make the same mistakes he had, a fear Eddie knew all too well. But Eddie had had to fess up to the mistakes he made, he had to apologize and he had to make amends. Whatever wrongs he did, whatever bad examples he set for Chris, it was his responsibility to make up for it. That’s what he was doing every day.

Fuck. Maybe he should see a therapist?

“You have to talk to him, Cap. That’s all I gotta say.”

“You think he’d want to talk?”

Eddie huffs. “Well, seeing as he’s following us to the grocery store, I guess he’s more willing to chat these days.”

“Eddie...about what you said in the grocery store—”

Eddie shakes his head. “Not today. I can’t—I can’t talk about that today.”

Bobby nods. “Okay. But take care of yourself, okay?”

Eddie doesn’t even know where to begin.

* * *

Eddie is sitting at home, alone, nursing a beer. Christopher has gone to visit his abuela for the night, and Eddie just needed a little time to himself. A little time to sit and think about Shannon and think about Buck, and think about Christopher. 

Cap sent out a text to the group chat about setting up a group outing to the rage room but Eddie doesn’t feel like it. He briefly thought about going back to that fight club Lena took him too, thought about taking out his feelings on a person he doesn’t know, no consequences at all. 

He decides against it. 

More than rage, Eddie just felt...empty.

His heart ached for all that he had and all that he’d lost. Lets himself get lost in the memory of losing Shannon, of the memory that he will never see her again. That Christopher will never ever see his mom again, unless there was such a thing as an afterlife. If all of what the church his mom and dad had made him go to preached was real...maybe Shannon was somewhere safe, waiting for Christopher to join her again one day years and years from now. But if what the church said was real then that meant that Eddie was going to hell for being in love with his male best friend. 

This was exactly why he wasn’t catholic anymore. But it didn’t stop him from wishing there was life beyond this world. If not for him then for Shannon. And for Chris. And for him, when he died one day, because if he could never see his boy again after that well then...Eddie would just have to never die. 

The beer didn’t taste good, Eddie thought it might have expired a little, but he didn’t care. He let it glide down his throat and settle in his stomach, tether him to his body. He leans his head back on the couch and shuts his eyes, smacking his lips. 

**_Buck…_ ** That’s Bobby. He’s standing in front of Buck and they’re in that rage room. Eddie guessed Bobby ended up inviting Buck to that. He hadn’t even realized, he muted his phone right after he told the team he wouldn’t be joining them. 

**_Hey, Bobby...thank you for inviting me._ ** Buck’s nervous...and regretful. Because of course he is. Buck doesn’t have it in him to stay mad at anyone for too long. His heart is too big, and he loves people too much to do that. **_I just wanted to apologize._ **

**_You’re gonna get a call tomorrow from the chief. You’re being reinstated to active duty._ **

_Huh. Guess Bobby made some calls._

**_I...I am?_ **He’s shocked, Eddie can tell. He didn’t think this would ever happen, it seemed. Eddie wasn’t one to lecture on having patience, but…

 **_Listen Buck, I wanted to apologize to you. That night at my house I let my own hangups get in the way of seeing the truth. You...you’ve seen me at my worst,_ ** Bobby sucks in his bottom lip and Eddie sees that he’s trying not to cry. **_You know what happened because I couldn’t get my own pain under control and—I just didn’t want to see that happen to you. And I let my fear cloud my judgement and for that, I’m sorry._ **

Buck’s own vision clouds, and Eddie knows that Buck is feeling everything Bobby is in that moment. That was something Eddie admired about Buck, how easily he empathized, how quick he was to take on the pain of others, to absorb it into himself if only it meant alleviating the hurt in someone else. 

**_Bobby...I’m sorry too. You had a point, I was pushing myself too far. I just-I wanted to prove to you that I could do it and..._ ** Eddie wonders if Buck will be honest. **_I wanted you to be proud of me._ **

_Oh, Buck…_

**_I’m always proud of you, Buck._ ** Bobby gives a weak smile. **_Some times more than others, I admit, but I meant it when I said you’re not replaceable. You’re a part of this family, whether your firefighter or a chef or a ballerina._ **

Buck laughs and it’s the first light laugh Eddie’s heard from him in a long time. Something eases in Buck, some sort of bravado he’d been carrying around inside himself ever since he left Pennsylvania. 

Buck heads into the rage room with everyone else, put into the same team as Lena, which, to Eddie’s surprise, they get along pretty amicably. Maybe now Buck would see that Eddie hadn’t substituted Lena for him. 

There would never be anyone else like Buck for him. There was only one Buck in the whole universe, and Eddie was lucky to know him.

He just wished that Buck felt the same for him.

* * *

Buck starts back up with them not a few days later. Eddie really should talk to him, but one second he finds himself near Buck, whose eyes light up like a kid on Christmas at the sight of him, and then Eddie can’t do it. He turns away, pretends he hadn’t seen Buck, or the kicked-puppy look on his face. Chim, Hen and Bobby welcome Buck back normally, Hen even gets him a cupcake since they didn’t have any time to scrape together anything larger. 

Having Buck back on calls is one thing, Eddie knows how to fall back into their easy partnership at work. They can take orders, work together professionally, but other than that Eddie hasn’t said a word to Buck. Later in the afternoon, Bobby asks Buck to be the man behind to be the one to hand out candy and smoke detectors. He assures Buck that it’s just because he’s the one who’s best with kids, but Eddie wonders if Bobby was doing it because he needed a bit more time to get used to Buck being fully back on the team. Or maybe that was just what Eddie needed.

They come back from a call and Buck calls out to him from the candy table, asks for his help and Eddie shrugs him off. He doesn’t want to do this right now. He’s not mad anymore, he’s really not. He’s just—he’s wary. He’s so _so_ tired of not being enough for anyone. And yeah, maybe he wants Buck to feel what he feels, even just the slightest, and that thought alone makes Eddie feel disgusted with himself and makes him want to avoid Buck even more. 

Eddie walks past the table Buck’s working at, packing up the Halloween decorations, and he avoids looking at him in the face.

“So that’s how it’s gonna be now? You’re just gonna keep on ghosting me?”

Eddie stops in his tracks, bundling his fists before letting it out and turning around to look at Buck. “You wanna talk about ghosting...we have a bad habit of doing that to each other, Buckley.”

“I know...and I'm sorry.” Buck lets his arms fall limply by his side. “I just want you to talk to me. Even if it’s just to say that you’re still mad.”

“I’m not mad,” Eddie grumbles, swiping his hand down his face, pressing his eyes. “Just confused. Why did you shut me out and...why did you let me back in?”

Buck looks ashamed. “I...I couldn’t stand the idea of losing you. I felt empty inside like after—” he sighs, “I couldn’t do that to you anymore.”

Eddie stares at the ground, before looking back up at Buck. 

“I don't want to do this anymore,” Eddie says, “The dead lines...never knowing what’s going on when I can’t reach you. I know I did that to you too, and that wasn’t fair. That's why I moved here, that's why I—I wanted to be closer to you.”

Buck’s eyes widen, his mouth falling open just a bit. “Closer to—me?”

Eddie is so tired of pretending. “Yeah, Buck. I’m done pushing you away.” 

He’d done it when he was a teenager because he was scared, and he’d done it as an adult because he somehow thought that with his new life he needed to shut Buck out, keep the man in his head away, but he simply could not do that anymore. Buck was such an integral part of his life, had been for as long as Eddie could remember, and just like he regretted leaving Christopher to go to the Army, he regretted hiding away from Buck when things got too tough. He didn’t want to run from him anymore.

Buck looks like he’s going through a similar thought process, his mouth opening and shutting, like he was trying to find the right words and every time he thought he had them he thought of something else.

“I-I just...I was just so frustrated and I was mad at Bobby and I was mad at you guys for moving on without me and there was nothing I could do about it and I just— I just...” Buck tapers off, seemingly running out of steam. 

Eddie crosses his arms, looking down. “A lot of ‘I's in there. Did you ever stop to think about what that could do to _us?_ ” 

Buck’s eyes flicker up to him, every part of his face weighing down. Eddie knew this was hurting him, he knew that he and Buck shared a lot of the same issues. He just thought that whatever they had had grown stronger than that. 

Buck wrings his hands. “Sometimes I forget that there is an us...sometimes it still feels like I'm still on the run, like this is all temporary and everything could be ripped away from me at any second. I'm still learning what it means to be a part of a team. Eddie, I...I don't want to be mad anymore and I…” his voice goes quiet. “I don’t want to be alone anymore. So whatever it takes for you to forgive me—”

“I forgive you,” it’s quick out of Eddie’s mouth because it’s true. He didn’t know how he could so easily forgive Buck, when it took Eddie ages to forgive Shannon, to begin to trust her again. But he and Shannon had never been a team. They were magnets with the wrong charge. “...also what it means to be a part of a team. Because that's what we are. Even if it's not with the 118, or even if we temporarily have to work with substitute partners....we, you and me, we will _always_ be us.”

Eddie doesn’t know how to explain the look on Buck’s face. He almost wishes he was somewhere else, so he could just tap a bit into what Buck was feeling, let it wash over Eddie. Maybe the hint of the smile and the shiny eyes was enough to clue Eddie in.

Eddie shakes his head, an exasperated smile melting across his face. He points his finger at Buck. “Just don’t do it again. No matter what happens next we don't shut each other out, okay? If we need space or privacy or time to just be alone in our heads we talk it out. Okay?”

Buck nods rapidly, the smile on his face growing bigger and bigger.

So Eddie holds out his hand. Buck pulls him in tight, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s torso as he buries his face in Eddie’s neck. He can feel a bit of tears, happy relieved tears, seeping into the shoulder of his uniform, but he doesn’t care. His own arms wrap around Buck’s waist, splaying out of his back. He tucks his chin over Buck’s shoulder and just breathes, letting the solidity of Buck’s body drag him back down to safety, comfort. Eddie had missed being close to Buck like this. He didn’t think he would ever get used to just how good it felt to actually touch Buck for himself, and not just feel it in his head. It was so much better, so much richer, than anything he had felt before coming to Los Angeles, before meeting Buck for real, in the flesh. This, with Buck’s fingers tracing patterns on his shoulder blades, his breath brushing heat over his ears and chin, the tickle of his cheek pressed into Eddie’s neck, this is where he was meant to be.

“Buckley!” Bobby calls out from across the room.

They pull back from each other, reluctantly, if the way their hands linger on each other's shoulders have anything to do with it. Eddie gives Buck one last smile and turns away, letting Cap and Buck discuss whatever it was they had to say. 

* * *

Things, for the most part, seem to go back to normal at work. They go on their calls and Buck is back by his side, Cap calls for them to work together, and they do it, no questions asked. Buck smiles at him again, face just as open as ever, but this time without the added weight of longing to be back on the job. Another type of longing, however, seemed to take its place. Eddie couldn’t let himself dwell on that too long. They were still too fragile in that moment, and Eddie didn’t want to do anything to shatter it.

Buck had apparently found the woman who used to be Bobby’s old figure skating partner and seeing the cardboard cutout of a young Bobby had been the highlight of Eddie’s week. He told Christopher about it who promptly told him _he_ wanted to learn how to figure skate and that was a whole other can of worms Eddie had to deal with.

He’d taken the card Cap had given him a while ago about the department therapists back when Shannon died. He hadn’t wanted to see a therapist then, but now he was thinking maybe he should. He wasn’t getting as angry as he had been when he couldn’t talk to Buck, but the realization that it hurt him so much more after Shannon left meant that Eddie couldn’t just let it fester and grow into something more ugly inside of him. He and Christopher had promised each other that they weren’t going to lie to each other anymore, that they weren’t going to hide their feelings from one another. He had told Christopher that it was okay to be sad, and it was okay to express his feelings, but what kind of father was Eddie if he couldn’t lead by example?

He was still looking into it when they were called to a scene in a factory warehouse with a man who was trapped underneath the railing holding up the merchandise. Overall, a fairly standard call, the medics took care of it and Chim and Hen took off in the ambulance. The ladder truck was following right behind them. 

None of them saw the accident coming. That’s what it was, an accident, Hen had pressed the button to switch the traffic lights and it malfunctioned.

Eddie and Buck were first prying the door open, and swiftly Chim took over, pulling her out so he and Eddie would work on her. But it was too late. The girl was dead on impact. And Hen was not okay. 

She ended up taking time off after that, and the rest of the team was forced to go on without her. It wasn’t the first time one of the team had to take time to recuperate from a bad call, or from a call that had put themselves in danger, or caused injuries. But there had never been a time when one of them had been the cause of someone’s death. Eddie knew how it felt to have blood on his hands, no matter how accidental or righteous he was told it was. He felt for Hen, and was glad she was taking time off. Bobby mentioned that Hen was going to be seeking therapy from a therapist with the department. 

Eddie had made his first appointment with Frank, and on his way in he saw Hen coming out. Oh jeez, he hadn’t realized they’d booked the same therapist. But he guessed that was bound to happen when first responders were referred to the same therapists.

And Frank is...alright. He’s understanding, asks all the right questions it seems, and Eddie tries to be honest with him to the best of his ability. But there’s always something in his way, something keeping him from being more forthcoming, keeping him from telling the whole truth. 

He’d never be able to tell the whole truth about him and Buck to Frank, or to any therapist, that much he knew. These were mental health professionals, and although they might be able to help with trauma, they would not be able to help at all when it came to Eddie and Buck’s “connection”. Eddie would get locked into a psych ward so fast, and that simply could not happen. So he kept his mouth shut about it, and because of that, it made getting out how he felt about certain things feel like pulling teeth.

So he stuck to what was safe. It was weird, describing the topics of Shannon and Christopher and her death as ‘safe’, and yet it was. Eddie was so used to grieving her now, was used to living a life without her. If he thought of the years he’d known her, the years they’d been married and had Chris, most of those years Eddie and Shannon had barely spent together. And the times they did spend together was mostly spent fighting or arguing or talking about what they needed to do for Christopher.

It was a marriage, but it was never a partnership.

Frank keeps asking him questions that he wasn’t expecting to get asked, and he doesn’t know how to answer them. He feels awkward, wrong. Maybe this wasn’t for him after all. 

He makes another appointment on the way out anyway. Just as he exits the office, who else does he see other than Maddie Buckley.

“Hey,” Eddie says awkwardly. He hadn’t really spent all that much time with Maddie despite all his years of knowing her brother. She seems just as awkward as him, probably hadn’t expected Eddie to walk out the door to her therapists office as well.

“Hey, uh—” Maddie stumbles. “You were in there to see Frank?”

“Seems the whole team sees Frank.”

“Buck too?”

“Uh, no.” Eddie shakes his head. “At least not that I know of.” Did Buck ever see any therapists? He had to given all the traumatic events that had happened to him since he started working there. But Buck had never mentioned therapy, or ever going willingly.

“Okay, and uh, Eddie, can you—can you maybe—”

“I won’t tell Buck,” Eddie says, giving her a small smile. “I’ll let you do that. If you want to, that is.”

She lets out a relieved exhale. “Thank you.”

Turned out he didn’t have to wait very long after that to be hearing all about Maddie’s issues from Buck not even three days later. Apparently Maddie had been stalking a woman she thought had called 911 for help on a domestic violence issue. The woman had an altercation with her husband, called Maddie, and the two of them had to save the man’s life. Buck had been called down to the hospital by Maddie and filled in on everything.

Eddie had picked up Christopher and the two of them had gone over to Buck’s place that night for pizza and video games. They’d ate and watched some TV, some episodes of a show Chris liked, and then played some video games. Christopher was starting to fall asleep and Buck had told him to just put him to sleep upstairs in his bed. Eddie did that and then went back to help Buck clean up his kitchen.

“She told me she saw you at Frank’s office?”

Well then. Guess when Eddie promised Maddie he wouldn’t tell Buck about her in therapy that wasn’t a two way promise. Oh well. He was fine with Buck knowing for the most part.

“Yeah, I...I started therapy with him.”

“Bobby mandated it?”

Eddie shakes his head. “Uh, no. I signed up for it myself.”

Buck raised an eyebrow. Yeah, Eddie hadn’t taken himself for the type to willingly go to therapy either. But here he was, getting therapy, and he still wasn’t even sure if it was working. He didn’t feel any less broken than he had before.

“Oh…” Buck looked like he wanted to ask but was stopping himself. Eddie appreciated the thought, the restraint, the consideration to make Eddie feel comfortable.

“I…” Eddie starts, looking down and away before looking back. “Just—after Shannon, and after the tsunami and Christopher’s nightmares, I kinda just...just took it all inside, you know? I’m not the most verbal person—”

“You’ve been trying though,” Buck says. “You try harder than anyone I know to be better for your kid.”

Eddie nods, biting his lip. “I do want to be better for him. I kinda scared myself...when I punched that guy in the parking lot and got sent to jail. I didn’t know I had that kind of anger within myself. I was almost tempted to go to the street-fighting ring Lena took me to—”

“Wait...what? Back up—” Buck throws his hand in the air. “So when you said I wasn’t there to bail you out of jail...you did mean that? I knew it. As much as you have a good poker face, you’re terrible at covering your slip ups.”

Eddie groans, taking a sip of his beer. “Yeah. It, uh, actually happened.”

“And you called...Lena to bail you out?” Buck looks down, his face darkened with a kind of disappointment Eddie recognized.

“I tried to call you. You were my first choice.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Look, I'm sorry I wasn't there, Eddie. You and Chris needed me, and I had my head so far up my own behind—”

“We’re past that now.”

“I’m not.” Buck says, shaking his head with urgency. “I should’ve been there for you, Eddie. You and Christopher.”

Eddie bows his head. “Yeah...it. Um, I-” He swallows his tongue, not at all sure how to say this, or if he should even say anything. Buck looks up at him, patient and willing to wait as long as it took for Eddie to get it all out. “I...I was really _really_ mad.”

Buck looks thoroughly kicked by that one, but he turns it in, nodding his head like he deserved that. 

“Not all of it was you,” Eddie says. “Or, well, yes, some of it was because of you, but it was just because—because—”

Buck looks again at him, and his eyes are so blue, so earnest, so willing to listen. And Eddie feels safe in Buck’s eyes. 

“When you shut me out it felt like losing Shannon all over again,” Eddie grits out. And once he’s able to get that out, it was like the floodgates were opened. “I felt like an idiot because I let Shannon back into our life after she left us already and then I thought things would be better because we were getting divorced but then she went and died. But at least I still had you and Christopher had you, and I thought—I stupidly thought that you were the exception. That you wouldn’t leave us like she did but then you almost filed that stupid lawsuit and then you wouldn’t talk to me and I thought it was my fault and it felt like you were leaving us and…”

Eddie cuts himself off, releasing his crushing grip on his beer. He’d said too much. Fuck. _Fuck._ He couldn’t do this here, not with Christopher right upstairs, blessedly still asleep. 

Buck keeps quiet, his hands squeezed into his arms, letting it all hit him like a trillion bullets. 

Eddie groans, rubbing his mouth. “I didn’t say any of this to make you feel bad. I just—fuck. I just wanted to be honest with you. Tell you how I felt. That’s what Frank and I talked about. Being able to speak openly about my emotions with the people in my life. You and Chris. I’m just so sick of keeping it all locked inside.”

“I…” Buck juts his lips, scrunching them up in a habit that feels a little too similar to Eddie’s own. “You’re not the only one who felt alone, you know.”

And it’s a gut-punch, a throwback to when Eddie had felt his lowest, when Christopher was first diagnosed and Eddie had just come back from Afghanistan. When Shannon had called him a stranger to his own son. He felt like he was all alone, even though he wasn’t. He’d always had   
Buck in the back of his mind, an ever-present constant. It just took him too long to realize it.

“Sometimes it just feels like everyone I’ve ever loved will leave at one point,” Buck continues. “Maddie left, and then she came back and left again. Vini left. Abby left. And even though I had you...you always had someone else who meant more.” They both know they’re not talking about Chris. “And I know that we’re stuck with each other because of—you know—” he indicates to his head “—but that didn’t stop us from cutting it off when we wanted to. Firefighting—it feels like the only thing I have and then I almost lost it so many times. I couldn’t handle losing firefighting and you at the same time—”

“You didn’t lose me, Buck. You haven’t lost me. Let’s just...not beat ourselves up about this anymore, okay?”

A moment passes and then Buck lets out an odd chuckle. “Why, cause you'd rather do it?”

“Excuse me?”

Whatever solemn face Buck had on before this melts away and is replaced with a playful smirk. “Come on, Eddie. If you're not gonna be honest with Frank, at least be honest with me.”

“Who said I wasn't being honest with Frank?” Yeah, maybe he wasn’t telling him the whole truth about him and Buck, but that's none of his business.

“You said you two weren't clicking.”

Eddie takes in an exaggerated breath, picking up his beer again to take another sip. “Maybe I'm just not a therapy kind of guy.” He did feel better in that moment though. Weird. He felt better after talking to Buck for like, ten minutes, than he had after talking to Frank for an hour.

“Right, right, you, uh... you prefer to work it out in the ring.” Buck makes some crude punching motions in the air.

“I didn’t even go to the ring.”

“Yeah, but you thought about it.”

“But I didn’t do it.”

“Look, I'm just saying, you were pretty pissed. Now I thought for sure that day in the grocery store you were gonna take a swing at me.”

Eddie laughs out loud this time. “Seriously?” He breaks into another series of gut-busting laughs. When he manages to calm himself down, just slightly, enough to see the equally amused grin on Buck’s face, he knows they’re finally okay. “Not that you didn’t deserve it...but I wouldn’t do that.” He looks Buck up and down with heated eyes, but brushes it off. “You’re still on blood-thinners.”

Buck’s eyes on him are equally as heated. “Well, I’d still take you.”

Eddie’s mouth goes dry, and all he can do is take another sip of his beer. If his cheeks feel hotter than before, then it’s no big deal. So what if he’s looking a little too close at the outline of Buck’s muscles underneath his shirt, wondering what it would feel like to wrap his arms around Buck’s thick waist, track his fingers up his sides to the tattoos he knows await on his chest and shoulders. He hears it in Buck’s voice, the drawl, the innuendo and _boy_ does Eddie want to lean into it. He remembers the way Buck’s hand felt, touching his own skin in the mirror of his bathroom, roaming up and down his chest, and more than that, he remembered the noises Buck had made with that girl grinding in his lap. The whimpers and the groans that filled Eddie’s ears, the way Buck had growled _‘want you so fucking bad’_ for the girl, but it was really for him. All for Eddie. He remembered the way he’d asked Buck if he thought of Eddie when he was fucking her without any care in the world. And the way he said _yes._ Only you, he’d said. 

Eddie hadn’t slept with anyone else since then, even that time could be considered just a really good masturbation session. But it counted to Eddie. It counted as having Buck, even if he had to share him with a girl who didn’t care at all about Buck the way Eddic cared about him. Eddie had gotten himself off so many times to the memory of that afternoon. And now, with Buck standing right here in front of him, looking like he wanted nothing more than to climb all over Eddie, he was strongly tempted to let him.

He’d let Buck have him then, but Eddie couldn’t help but think of what Buck would like under him this time, or in his lap, or on his hands and knees. 

“You think so?” Eddie asks, the words curling around his lips like the magma rolling and bursting inside him.

“I know,” Buck says with a smirk and a wink that hits Eddie right in the gut. And then he’s standing up straight, sauntering closer to Eddie with his hand on his belt until he’s standing right in front of him. “You wanna go for the title?”

 _Fuck,_ does Eddie want to. With Buck standing right in front of him, his face open with his desire, and his body radiating heat and _want want want_. Eddie finds himself backed up against the counter, unable to escape and not really wanting to. And if Buck’s moves in even closer, presses his hands into the counter on either side of Eddie so that he’s effectively blocking Eddie with his own body, well...Eddie wasn’t complaining. He wanted to know if Buck felt just as good as he remembered, and knew without a doubt that he would feel better. He was here now, physical and present and solid and Eddie wanted all of Buck’s weight on top of him. 

Buck’s impossibly close now, his eyes searching and waiting. Eddie knew that Buck wouldn’t do anything unless Eddie made the first move, unless Eddie made it clear it was something he was comfortable with, something he wanted.

And fuck, Eddie wanted.

“You’re on.” Eddie surges up, capturing Buck’s mouth in a sizzling kiss. 

Instantly, Buck folds into him, his hands going from the counter beside him, to Eddie’s hips, pulling him in against his body. And Buck’s lips were—holy shit, they were so soft, and Eddie’s embarrassed by the whimpering moan he lets out when Buck kisses him deeper, opening his mouth a little wider and licks just lightly at his bottom lip. Buck’s hands come up from where they were spread wide on Eddie’s hips to his neck, cradling his head softly. He lets his head fall back slightly, and Buck holds him up, just like Eddie knew he would. And Buck kisses him, and Eddie kisses back and Eddie’s whole fucking body is on fire. He can’t get enough of the feel of Buck’s body in front him. His hands trail from Buck’s neck to his shoulders, down his arms to his biceps. He squeezes just to feel the solidity, and delights in the little hiccup of a laugh Buck presses into his mouth. Eddie’s hands eventually make their way around Buck’s waist and Eddie pulls him in, keeps pulling him, because Buck could never be close enough. 

Buck gasps, popping off Eddie's lips and instead moving to trail kisses down Eddie’s cheek to his chin and up his jawline. Then—and then—fuck, Buck scoops him up under the ass and plants him on the counter, and Eddie’s stomach swoops so hard in the best way that all he can do is dive back in. Buck meets him in the middle, just as enthusiastically, and Eddie tries to suppress the slutty mewls that try to make their way out of his mouth. He could feel Buck’s shaking breath underneath him, especially as Eddie brings his legs up to wrap around Buck’s waist, trapping him so completely against him. Buck’s jaw drops with that move and Eddie giggles—he fucking _giggles_ like a thirteen year old girl—and then forgets about having any shame and instead goes back to kissing the insane smile off of Buck’s face because this was real and this was happening and Buck’s hands were in his hair and tugging and he felt so good and he didn’t want to stop and—

“Daddy?”

They both pull off at the same time, Eddie whispering a harsh “shit” under his breath. Buck backs up, helping Eddie off the counter as they both quickly try to right their disheveled clothing.

“Yeah—” Eddie has to clear his throat from how high pitched it sounded. He looks up towards the top of the stairs where Christopher was looking down on them. “Yeah, Chris?”

“Nothing, just wondering where you were.” Christopher rubs his eyes. Eddie makes his way up Buck’s stairs and picks Christopher up.

“I’m sorry, buddy. You must be tired, let’s get you home to bed, okay?”

“Okay.” Christopher lets Eddie set him down for a second so that Eddie can grab all of their things. While he’s doing that, Christopher looks over at Buck and lifts his arms up for a hug.

Buck walks over to him, lifting him up into a giant bear hug that then shifts into Christopher getting comfortable, his head resting on Buck’s shoulder and then knocking out again. Eddie stops, caught by his little boy and Buck molding into each other so comfortably, even after being apart. 

Buck catches his eye. Eddie nods his head towards the door. “Help me carry him out?”

Buck smiles, relieved and does just so. Once they get outside and tuck Chris into the backseat, Eddie rounds on Buck and presses one last lingering kiss to his lips. It takes Buck a moment to open his eyes once Eddie pulls away, but their fingers find each other.

“No more hiding,” Buck whispers. “No more shutting each other out.”

“And we’ll talk about this later, okay? Properly. Without interruptions.”

Buck nods, bringing his hands up to Eddie’s face. His lips skim over Eddie’s again, and Eddie soaks in the taste of Buck that lingers even after he’s pulled away.

“Soon,” Buck says. 

He takes Buck's hand from his face and brings it to his lips, kissing it. “Soon.”

With that, Buck finally pulls away and Eddie already misses his warmth, wants it back on him that instant. Instead, he settles for waiting until Buck has gone back inside, gets in the car, and drives home, content in the knowledge that whatever it was that had been brewing between them for years, it wasn’t going away.

They’d talk soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -mentions of Shannon's death and how Chris/Eddie are coping with it  
> -Buck and Bobby's canonical horrible communication skills and terrible impulse control  
> -Chase Mackey (the skeezy lawyer) shows up briefly  
> -Buck's canonical self-worth issues and depression  
> -Eddie's canonical anger involving his perceived abandonment from Buck, as well as his own depression issues
> 
> SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO ARE EXTRA SENSITIVE ABOUT THE LAWSUIT:  
> Buck does not go through with suing the Dept. He entertains it but does not do it in the end. There.  
> SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO ARE EXTRA SENSITIVE ABOUT THE STREET FIGHTING:  
> Eddie does not go through with starting street-fighting. He entertains it but does not do it in the end.


	14. I've been here the whole time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is going to be the last 10k+ chapter of this story. There's one more chapter left after this based in canon, and then the epilogue is the future, yee!
> 
> I'm sure y'all already know the song the title is from but in case you don't, it's from "Carry You" by Ruelle which was playing during THAT scene.
> 
> TW's in end notes

32 Years Old: Eddie 

With Christmas around the corner, Eddie was scrambling to get all of the decorations up on time for Chris to do his calendar countdown. This was their first Christmas without Shannon, so Eddie needed it to be perfect. Thanksgiving they had managed to get through, but then when Eddie found out that not only was he working on Christmas but so was Buck and the rest of the 118...well, all his plans flew out of the window.

He and Christopher had spent the whole day decorating the house and Buck was supposed to be coming over that evening to have dinner with them. Christopher was as chipper as ever but Eddie was nervous. Last Christmas Eddie was trying to re-integrate Shannon into their lives and this Christmas was kind of like doing the same thing, except Buck wasn’t anything like Shannon. Buck always felt like a constant, even putting aside the fact that they hadn’t spoken for two weeks last month.

He’d seen Frank again, told him that he was working on being more open with himself and with Christopher. He’d even opened up a little bit about Buck, and about their changing relationship. It felt new, and it made Eddie queasy in an excited way since he hadn’t dated anybody new since Shannon. But this wasn’t dating just anyone, this was _Buck._

His Buck, the same man he’s known for most of his life, the same Buck who had been there for him through the worst of times. They weren’t the most perfect of friends, they had fought, they had hid things from each other, tried to run away from each other, but they always found their way back to each other, no matter what.

So yeah, Eddie was nervous. Christopher helped him pick out the red sweater that he had gotten as a gift from abuela for his birthday. He seemed to be having a grand old time, excited for Buck to come over as the two of them had plans to bake a pie _without_ Eddie. His job was just to sit around and enjoy the view. 

Hen and Denny were coming over later that week for a playdate. They were going to make gingerbread houses, and Eddie had decided to invite Buck along anyway for the simple reason that Eddie just wanted him there. Chris wanted him there too. And when he’d asked Buck he could hear it in his voice that Buck wanted to be there too.

But tonight was just for them. They were going to watch Christmas movies and eat pie and Eddie was looking forward to it almost as much as he was anxious about it. Eddie had promised that he and Buck would talk about _them_ soon. Two weeks filled with rough 24 hour shifts and Christopher’s field trip and Eddie’s therapy and Buck helping Maddie and they hadn’t yet found the time to actually sit down and have a meaningful conversation about it. It was driving Eddie insane, but he was going to keep his promise tonight no matter what. 

Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. Couldn’t stop thinking about Buck’s lips, and his hands, and his face and his birthmark, and his waist and his lips and arms and his hair and his lips and—

It was beginning to be too much. He never fantasized so much about a person as he was recently, all of them staring one Mr. Buckley, and it was downright embarrassing. His only saving grace was that Buck could not read his mind because the blackmail material was ripe for the picking. 

Once he’d finished getting ready, he threw himself into cleaning the house like a mad man. Christopher looked at him strangely, asking why he was cleaning the house so thoroughly when it was only Buck coming, and he had never bothered trying to make the house look presentable for him before. The kid had him there. But still, he needed the house to be spotless. Sometimes cleaning with a military rigidity was the only thing that kept the restlessness from getting too bad. 

Buck rang the doorbell even though he had a key, and Eddie scrambled to put the vacuum cleaner away, and wash his hands to get rid of the smell of Lysol wipes and then he stopped to check his hair in the mirror and his face and also why the fuck were his cheeks so red? He tried to cool himself down with some water but it didn’t work. He quickly dabbed the water off his face and then checked his hair one last time before coming out of the bathroom to the living room where Christopher had already let Buck in and the two of them were cuddling on the couch like a regular pair of best friends, thick as thieves. 

When Buck turned his head around and caught sight of Eddie's face, he broke into an easy grin, his eyes following the path from Eddie’s eyes, down to the outline of his chest through his sweater. Everywhere Buck’s eyes touched made Eddie shiver and they hadn’t even said one word to each other yet.

Buck’s the one to stand up first, coming over to where Eddie was still standing awkwardly in the hall outside of the bathroom. With Chris in the living room this gives them some semblance of privacy. Buck stops right before him, one hand in his pocket and the other looking like it wants to reach out.

“Hi,” Buck says, almost shyly, with a grin so sweet it makes Eddie want to fall on the floor.

“Hey,” Eddie says back but it comes out a wobbly choke and it makes Buck grin wider, which in turns makes Eddie smile too.

Buck was already close, so Eddie didn’t know how in the hell the man manages to step even closer until they’re barely a few inches apart. Buck leans forward, his hand coming up to cradle Eddie’s chin, and just when Eddie’s eyes fall shut and he thinks Buck is about to plant one on his lips, Buck gears to the left and instead leaves a soft lingering kiss to his cheek, only pulling away when Eddie has well and fully become putty in his hands. 

“Hey,” Buck says again, before biting his still smiling lip. “You look really nice.”

Eddie feels like a million champagne bubbles popping all over every inch of his skin. He swims through the heat of Buck’s hand still on his chin and manages to find it in his brain to form a coherent sentence. “Thank—T-Thank you.” Okay maybe not a coherent sentence. 

Eddie chokes back a whine when Buck does drop his hand from his face, but he’s satiated when instead Buck slides it into Eddie’s hand, pulling him forward into the kitchen. “Come on, I brought cookies.”

“Cookies?” Eddie repeats. “I thought you guys were making pie?”

“We are. But I also brought cookies,” Buck says, giving him a too innocent look.

Eddie shakes his head and smiles unabashedly. “ _You’re_ responsible for putting him to bed tonight then. Good luck with that.”

“I don’t mind,” Buck says with an easy twinkle in his eye. “I like putting him to bed. Gives us time to talk about you behind your back.”

Eddie snorts. “Good god, you two are going to be worse than Chim and Hen, aren’t you?”

“All good things, I swear!”

“Oh yeah?” Eddie says, leaning over the island in his kitchen. “Like what?”

Buck’s face goes a little red. Eddie comes around the side of the island. Then, feeling a little playful, he nudges his foot up along the back of Buck’s calf. “Come on, I wanna hear it.”

“I’m not telling you, I was sworn to secrecy.”

“Uh huh, sure.” Eddie crosses his arms. He leans in closer until he’s right in Buck’s space. “So then you wouldn’t mind if I went and asked him—”

That brings a smile out over Buck’s face, cheeks still as red as his birthmark. It’s adorable and Eddie wants to lean forward into him, wants to soak it all in.

“Fine. If you must know. We talk about how great you are all the time. How you’re a good dad, how much you care for him, how much you give.”

It feels good to hear, even if Eddie’s not entirely sure if Buck and Christopher were actually talking about these things, it still feels nice. It almost makes Eddie believe it.

“Yeah? Anything else?”

Buck’s eyes darken, looking down at his mouth. “There would be more, but none of it is at all appropriate to discuss with a 9 year old.”

Heat stirs in Eddie’s belly. “Is that so?”

Buck’s leaning in. “Yeah—”

“Buck!” Christopher’s voice calls out, before he bursts in through the kitchen door. “There you are! Can we make the pie now?”

Buck takes a wide step back from him, leaving Eddie empty-handed and more than a tad bit sexually frustrated. But the way Buck snaps back into Dad mode so quickly, scooping Christopher up and showing him around the kitchen and having him get all the ingredients ready to bake is a good distraction. Eddie makes himself comfortable on the countertop, sends Buck a wink when the taller man gets momentarily pulled away from talking through his instructions with Chris by the image of Eddie sitting on his counter and watching him. 

Is he remembering the other night too? Because Eddie is. 

Eddie stares openly as Buck gets out the bowls and the pans and teaches Christopher how to make the crust lining. He looks so large compared to Christopher right next to him. Eddie’s never been with someone who was bigger than him, hadn’t been with many people in his life period, let alone a man. He’d tried to stuff that down so many times. Any time he’d experience any sort of attraction to a man, whether it be a celebrity he saw on TV, or a fellow soldier, or even the captain of his fucking high school baseball team, he’d shut it down, pushed it so far down into himself he’d need a crane to reach the bottomless pit he’d stashed his attraction in.

All of that was thrown out of the window the moment he’d seen Buck’s face for the first time. All of that had come rushing back up out of him like a geyser. That day in the ladder truck had been like a revelation. He hadn’t known sex with a man could be that good, and even still Eddie was sure the real thing would be better. If what it felt like to kiss him was any indication then having Buck touch him like he did in the ladder-truck, like he did in his own apartment, just might destroy him completely.

They finish up getting the pie ready and set about to bake it in the oven. In the meantime, it was time to start the Christmas movies. They start with _The Santa Clause 2_ because apparently that was the best of the trilogy. 

“I’m just saying I don’t understand why he’s an elf and he’s taller than everyone else,” Buck says.

“It’s because he’s the head elf, obviously,” Eddie answers.

“I think he’s half-elf,” Christopher tells them. “I think one of his parents was a grown elf and the other was human.”

Buck shrugs his mouth. “Huh. That makes sense.” 

Christopher beams. 

By the time the movie finishes, the pie is ready. Buck gets it out and tells them they gotta let it cool for a little while, so in the meantime they should eat dinner. Christopher asks if they could eat it in front of the TV so they could continue their movie marathon. Normally when they’re at home, Eddie doesn’t like to let Chris eat in front of the TV, but with Buck pouting beside him, he says yes. 

They set the food out on the living room table, and Eddie gets a TV dinner tray out for Christopher so that he at least has some semblance of a table so it’s easier for him to eat. 

“Alright, what movie is next?” Buck asks, clasping his hands together.

“The Grinch!”

“Animated or Jim Carrey?” Eddie asks Christopher.

“Jim Carrey, dad, _duh._ ”

“Who’s Jim Carrey?” Buck asks.

“You—” Eddie stops, sometimes forgetting just how much Buck missed as a kid. “Never mind. I think this will be the perfect introduction to him. And then sometime soon you and I are having a marathon.”

Buck laughs. “You sound just like Chim.”

And Buck doesn’t stop laughing the whole time throughout the movie. Christopher looks like he’s having a goddamn ball every time Buck cracks up at another one-liner from Jim Carrey. The little boy is so proud of his movie choices and it’s easy to see that Buck’s approval means a lot to him. 

“See, the Grinch was just lonely,” Christopher explains. “He’s been alone all of his life and even when he was kid so he didn’t like Christmas cause it reminded him that he didn’t have a family. But now he has one with Cindy Lou Who and Martha May.”

Buck watches Christopher with a contemplative look on his face, and a small sad smile. He runs a hand through Christopher’s hair and rubs the shell of his ear making Christopher giggle and say ‘that tickles!’ Buck looks up at Eddie who gives him a reassuring smile. His hand comes out and around the back of the couch until it connects with Buck’s shoulder where he just lets his fingers rest.

After they finish the Grinch they settle in for dessert: pie, cookies and hot cocoa with snowman marshmallows, whip cream and cinnamon.

“What happened to too much sugar before bed?” Buck bumps Eddie’s shoulder. 

“You’re doing it so I don’t have to worry.”

Buck smiles a private smile to himself.

They decide that they’ll watch one more movie and then it will be time for bed. Christopher picks out a slightly older movie, _Jack Frost._ Eddie doesn’t remember watching this one, but since he had it on DVD he assumed that maybe Christopher watched it with Shannon. The movie is about a little boy and his father who dies and comes back to life as a snowman. Eddie’s heart pangs as he watches the movie, keeping an eye on Christopher who is watching with enrapture. Did Christopher watch this and think of his mom? Wondering if she might be able to come back to life somehow? Maybe he would have to talk about this with Christopher. His son didn’t seem to be taking the movie too hard, he was watching it, but he wasn’t crying or having any other outward reactions. Buck on the other hand was crying softly, trying to wipe away his tears without anyone noticing. Christopher noticed, as he was holding Buck’s hand. Eddie reached out and stroked his thumb along Buck’s cheek, swiping away a few tears. Buck looked at him with a reassuring shake of his head, trying to say this was nothing to worry about, but Eddie knew Buck’s heart. Knew how deeply he felt things.

When the movie wrapped Eddie also found himself tearing up. Chris was leaning into Eddie’s side, and he rubbed his hand up and down his son’s arm. “Hey, bud, you ready for bed?”

Christopher nods, reaching his arms up for Eddie to pick him up. Seemed the crash from the sugar high was coming sooner than expected. He hoisted Christopher up in his arms, and sent Buck a ‘don’t worry about it’ look, as he went to go put the boy to bed. Christopher didn’t ask for a story this time, instead he settled for a big hug from Eddie and a kiss on the cheek with the promise of breakfast from Buck the following morning. 

It was about 10pm and he caught Buck resting his eyes with his head leaning back against the couch. Eddie rounded the corner to the kitchen, getting a glass of water and taking it back out to the couch. 

“Here, so you don’t get a headache,” Eddie says. Buck takes it with a grateful look before downing half the glass in one sip. His face was slowly returning back to normal color.

“Gotta say I wasn’t expecting to cry when I came over here tonight. At least not from a movie.”

“What, you were planning to cry tonight some other way?”

Buck shrugs his shoulder. “I don’t know. I just didn’t know how tonight would go.”

“Well...I wouldn’t have made you cry. Not intentionally.”

Buck finishes the last of his water and puts it back on the table. “Thanks.”

“...course.”

A silence lapses around them, but oddly enough it doesn’t feel awkward or like he needs to do or say something to fill the space left by the vacuum of sound. Eddie shifts closer to Buck, lets their arms touch, the way they always do, whenever they need to communicate with each other but they don’t want to or can’t use words. Buck leans into his arm also. 

“I don’t know how to start this,” Buck says eventually. “I know we were supposed to talk but—”

“I can’t find the words,” Eddie supplies.

“Exactly.”

“Well,” Eddie moves his hand forward, taking Buck’s hand into his. “I guess we should start with what we both want? I don’t know. I’m trying to channel what Frank would tell me to do.”

Buck laughs slightly. “How I feel...man, I don’t even know how to describe it. You’re just—you and Chris are everything to me. Absolutely everything.”

And doesn’t that just knock the wind right out of him.

Eddie licks his lips, swallowing to try and combat his throat which had just gone inexplicably dry.

“Oh,” falls from Eddie’s mouth. “Um. When, uh—”

“Since I was 15.”

Eddie’s mouth falls open. “What—?”

“I guess technically it was much later when I became aware of it, but—the feeling has been there since forever. Maybe since the fireflies.”

The fireflies...that was—what— Buck would’ve been just a _kid._

“I’m not expecting you to feel the same way—”

“I do,” Eddie blurts. “I—I mean, I didn’t know as early as you did but I...I feel it. What you feel.”

“Eddie you...you just got out of a long and rough relationship and—”

“Buck,” Eddie stops him with a strong squeeze to his hand. “Shannon was—I loved her, yes, but...we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we did if it hadn’t been for Christopher. I don’t regret any moment with her because it all led to the best thing in my entire life. But we were getting divorced long before she died...and our relationship was over the second I signed up for my second enlistment. Maybe even before that.”

Buck nods, seemingly lost in thought. “I just don’t want to rush into this if you’re not ready.”

“To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely ready. This shit still scares me but...I still want to try. I want to try with you.”

“Me too,” Buck says. “With you.”

Eddie smiles brightly, “Yeah?”

Buck smiles back just as brightly, before moving in, touching his forehead softly to Eddie’s. “Yes...you and me, it just felt inevitable. Like I was waiting for you since the moment I was born.”

Eddie’s heart flutters so hard it just might fly away. 

“I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Buck kisses Eddie's jaw, breathing in big before letting it out and folding into Eddie’s arms. Eddie wraps his arms around Buck’s waist, pulling him closer until they tip over backwards, Buck crawling up his chest to rest his head against Eddie’s heart. They can’t fall asleep like this, not when Eddie has a perfectly good and way more comfortable bed in his room, but he’s more than happy to just lay with Buck like this for a little while.

* * *

Christopher is more than upset that Eddie won’t be around to spend the actual Christmas Eve or day with him. Abuela is going to bring him to Pepa’s but Christopher isn’t happy with that either. He wanted to spend Christmas with him, especially given that Shannon wasn’t here. When Hen and Denny come over on Friday afternoon, he tells Hen about it as they make gingerbread houses.

Eddie overhears Christopher asking Buck if he could spend Christmas with him, and it just frustrates Eddie that he can’t give Christopher the one thing he wants. It also surprises him (even though it shouldn’t) that Christopher was wanting to spend Christmas with Buck more than with his extended family. Since when did Buck trump Abuela and Pepa? Though Eddie guessed that kids might tend to prefer spending time with their parents more than their extended family when given the choice. 

It’s only once that thought crosses his mind that he realizes he means it. Buck is like another parent to Chris. Somewhere along the way, even before Shannon died, Buck had made himself a little place in their family, and Christopher began looking up to Buck just as he did Eddie. He briefly remembers an elf thinking that Christopher was their son—Eddie’s _and_ Buck’s—and Eddie hadn’t corrected her. 

And he found that he was okay with Buck being another parent to Christopher. In fact, it filled his insides with such joy, to know the man he’d loved for so long also loved his kid beyond words. But Eddie had known that, he had felt it, the day he’d introduced Buck to Christopher. He’d felt Buck’s love for Christopher every day since Christopher was born. He just hadn’t realized how much Buck’s love was also for Eddie himself.

“You’re staring,” Hen chides him with a grin.

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do about Christmas for him.”

In the end, he has to stick with the original plan of taking Christopher to stay with Abuela. He and Buck have to go back to work and Christopher is upset about it but he doesn’t complain any further. 

Eddie feels like the biggest failure. What kind of father couldn’t even spend Christmas with his kid?

Work is work. They get called out by a blue-skinned girl for being losers who have to work on Christmas, and it’s not entirely false.

That is until they roll back into the station to find everyone and their mother, literally, in their loft. Athena, the kids and Michael are there, Karen and Denny and their fosters, and—

“Christopher!”

He hugs his little boy tightly, and kisses his hair. Christopher is delighted, shouting about how Bucky and Athena planned the whole thing so he could spend Christmas with Eddie. 

Eddie looks up over his shoulder to find Buck leaning against the pillar, staring at Chris and Eddie like they were the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. They, _apparently,_ meant everything to Buck.

Fuck, he wanted to make out with Buck so hard right now.

He would have to stow that urge until after their shift because right now everyone was passing out gifts and spending time with their families. Buck comes over to them later with a gift for Christopher, and the little boy jumps for joy, loving the toy he got, and flings himself into Buck’s arms. 

Later on, when they take their group photo, Eddie sneaks in next to Buck, who’s standing next to Maddie and Chim on one side and Eddie and Chris and Abuela on the other. He’s surrounded by his family. After they take the photo, Eddie looks up, seeing there’s a mistletoe right above their heads. No one is paying attention to him so he snatches it and pockets it for later. 

Once the party is done and everyone starts making their way back home, there’s still a couple hours left on their shift. Thankfully, it goes by pretty fast what with Los Angeles deciding for once it will be nice and not have any emergencies in their area. And there’s also the clean up. Soon enough they’re changing out of their uniforms and back into their civilian clothes and the next shift are coming in to start theirs.

Eddie pulls Buck along with him when he starts to make his way towards his Jeep.

“What are you—”

“Come on,” Eddie says, opening the passenger side and indicating for Buck to get in. “You’re coming home with me.”

“Is this a proposition?” Buck asks with a wicked grin as he settles into Eddie’s space, leaning against Eddie’s truck.

“No, this is me wanting to go home so I can spend Christmas with my boys.”

“Oh.”

Eddie laughs. “Yeah, _oh._ Get in the car.” He turns away, moving to the other side to get into the driver’s seat. The drive is pretty quick, and Eddie takes Buck’s hand, holding it the entire way home.

Once they get there, Christopher is already asleep and Abuela decides she would rather go home than stay the night. She kisses Eddie and Buck goodnight and goes home. Buck heads to the bathroom while Eddie goes to Chris’ room to check on him and give him a kiss goodnight. When he comes out he sees Buck hasn’t come out of the bathroom yet so he sneaks over to the arch connecting the hall to the living room and takes the mistletoe out of his pocket, attaching it to the ceiling.

When Buck eventually emerges from the bathroom, he too stops by Christopher’s room and peeks in, smiling to himself when he sees Chris passed out safely and then shuts the door quietly. 

Eddie thinks he might’ve just fallen a little bit more in love with him just for that. 

“Hey,” Buck says, coming back over towards Eddie. “He’s asleep. Guess you're stuck with just me.”

“Thank you,” Eddie says. “For today. I had no idea you were planning that.”

Buck shrugs. “I didn’t want you and Christopher to have to spend Christmas apart. When I brought up having everyone come to the station to Athena—”

Eddie bursts into a quiet laugh. “Of course it was you who came up with the idea.” He leans forward, taking Buck’s hands in his. “You made his day, you know. Mine too.”

Buck’s hand cups Eddie’s face and he leans into it, kissing his palm. “I just wanted to make you guys happy.”

“I know,” Eddie draws Buck forward, hand on the small of his back, until they’re chest to chest. “That’s just who you are.” He brings his other hand up to Buck’s that’s still on Eddie’s face and thread their fingers together. 

“Merry Christmas, Eddie,” Buck whispers. 

Eddie opens his eyes, realizing they had fallen shut without him even noticing, and finds Buck’s big blue eyes watching him gently. His eyes flicker up above them, catching onto the mistletoe.

Eddie smiles and then closes the gap, drawing Buck forward who whimpers soft and delicious into Eddie’s mouth. Eddie presses in a bit further, lets his mouth fall open, welcomes the soft press of tongue and flicks his own mischievously over Buck’s top lip, resulting in a full body shiver from the taller man that makes Eddie grin like a Cheshire cat. 

He pulls away for an instant, smirking at the whine of displeasure from Buck, only so he can pull Buck back towards his bedroom, letting the door fall shut behind them.

* * *

Christopher’s parent teacher conference is not at all how Eddie was expecting. He knew to expect the corny jokes, but only because Carla was kind enough to give him a warning right before they dove in head first. Christopher was at Abuela’s house and he’d planned to have Carla come with him to this thing for a while now. 

Buck texted him that Maddie and Chim had invited him over for a poker night. Eddie had cracked up for several minutes when Buck had whined to him that they only invited him over because “all of their couple friends were busy”. 

“They think I’m a single. _Embarrassingly_ single.”

“Well, you know you’re not.”

“Still.”

“Soon. After we talk to Christopher.”

Buck went back to his poker night with his sister and Eddie continued with this truly bewildering parent teacher conference. After he leaves Christopher’s science class they make their way to Christopher’s English classroom.

**_I swear I didn’t tell him to say Tsunami’s are no big deal. I was just telling him facts I read._ **

Eddie chuckles at that and hopes it is enough of a response for him. 

Christopher’s English teacher is late. Eddie watches as Buck packs up his stuff and leaves Chim’s place, stopping off for fast food before heading back to his apartment. Eddie’s listening along to whatever song is playing on the radio when finally the English teacher comes in.

And she’s a total knock-out. A pretty face and gorgeous long curly hair.

“So sorry I’m late,” she says, coming over to Carla and Eddie. She sticks her hand out to shake Carla’s hand first. “Good to see you again, Ms. Price.” Then her attention is fully on Eddie. “And you must be Mr. Diaz.”

**_Why does she have to say it like that?_ **

Oh? So Buck was seeing this, huh? And he sounded...oh Eddie had to laugh. Was Buck _jealous?_ He’d barely spoken a word to the woman. No, in fact, he hadn’t said anything and a moment had passed and he was supposed to respond.

He reaches out to shake her hand. “Please, call me Eddie. It’s short for—”

“Edmundo?”

 **_Oh come_ ** **on!** **_That’s not fair! She probably read your name in Christopher’s file or something._ **

This was fucking priceless, and Eddie had to stop himself from laughing out loud. He knew neither Carla nor Ms. Flores would get the joke. But Eddie, oh...he was going to have some fun with this.

“Most people guess Eduardo,” he says, rolling the r to emphasize. Buck makes a choked noise.

“Growing up I had a grandfather named Edmundo,” she says taking a seat. She turns back to Eddie like she was sharing a secret. “He was my favorite.”

**_Bet she doesn’t even have a grandfather._ **

Eddie has to bite down on his tongue hard, making a noise that has Carla turning to look at him like he was a whole idiot. Ms. Flores dives in immediately to talk about Christopher, talking about how he’s doing, his verbal skills, his written skills. She talks about him being read to and then starts praising Eddie for reading to him.

“Oh that was mostly his mom,” Eddie says, pushing the compliment off.

“Christopher’s told me you kept it up. Since she’s been gone.”

Eddie ducks his head, suddenly a bit uncomfortable talking about Shannon. “I’ve tried to do the voices, but she was better at it.”

 **_He loves when you do the voices, Eddie. He asks for it every night._ **Buck says, seemingly forgetting all about his jealous commentary to instead shift to comforting Eddie. He never could hide his emotions from Buck, especially not in moments like these where Buck was focusing so intently on what was happening with him.

“Well, I’m sure you’re no slouch.”

“ _Oh,_ no he isn’t,” Carla says, shaking her head.

 **_Carla!_ ** Buck near shrieks into Eddie’s ear. **_You’re supposed to be on my side!_ **

Ms. Flores continues talking about Christopher, telling them about how popular Christopher is, how he loves to make the other kids laugh. Eddie worries for a second that it might be a disruption, but she assures him that it’s not a problem.

“He’s a very sweet and kind boy. You’re doing a great job.”

Oh. Well, that was oddly nice to hear from someone who wasn’t his teammate or his friend or directly related to him. It was nice to know that someone as far removed as Christopher’s teacher thought he was doing good and that it reflected in Christopher’s studies and his interactions with the other kids. 

They wrap up pretty quickly after that. His English teacher had nothing but positive things to say about Christopher and it was a nice way to wrap the evening, it made him feel better than he had when he’d first started the night. He walks out with Carla who immediately jumps on him for what she _thought_ was happening back there.

“There’s a pretty young thing for an English teacher back there.”

**_Ughh! That’s it! Friendship ended, Carla._ **

Eddie lets himself laugh freely. “Was she pretty? I didn’t even notice.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” Carla turns with her hand on her hip. “I must have you confused with somebody else who couldn’t stop gazing into Ms. Flores’ big blue eyes.”

“They were brown.” He knew big blue eyes when he saw them, he looked into the prettiest pair near daily. But he wasn’t about to let Carla or Buck know that.

**_Stop noticing her eyes!_ **

Carla scoffs like she’s caught him in a trap. “And you’re right. Too bad you didn’t notice.”

Eddie laughs the whole way back to his truck. As he drives home, he hears Buck ask in a small voice. **_She was pretty. And she obviously likes you. You could ask her out._ **

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Now why would I do that?”

Buck makes a humming sound to say ‘I don’t know’. **_She’s obviously got a thing for Edmundo’s._ **

Eddie cracks at that. “She was talking about her _grandfather,_ Buck.” He laughs hard but then calms down shortly after. “Besides, she’s pretty and all but...I don’t want her.”

**_Oh? Then who do you want?_ **

“You. I want you.”

Eddie pulls into his driveway after that. Getting out of the car, he realizes Buck hasn’t responded in the last minute and a half. Buck’s still connected, Eddie can see him sitting in front of his TV, staring at his hands. He can feel the waves of want washing over Buck. And it’s not even lustful, just an overwhelming desire to be near Eddie. 

Just as Eddie unlocks the door Buck asks, **_Can I come over?_ **

Christopher is staying the night with abuela, they have the house to themselves. They haven’t done anything much past making out, and likely wouldn’t that night either, but that didn’t mean Eddie didn’t want Buck over, by his side.

Eddie smiles, brushing his fingers over his own chin, knowing Buck will feel it. “Please.”

* * *

Okay, so maybe Eddie blows just the tiniest bit of gasket at Christopher’s teacher. Carla leaves him a voicemail while he’s at work about Christopher falling off a skateboard at school and scraping his elbows and knee. She told him not to come down to the school, but no way in hell was Eddie going to just let his son get hurt and not do anything about it. And yeah, maybe he flew off the handle a little bit, but his son had gotten seriously hurt on _Ms. Flores’_ watch and he had a right to be angry about that. Carla thinks Eddie should talk to Christopher about his limitations because of his CP, and objectively Eddie knows he should too. But personally? It kills him. The idea of telling his kid that he’s different, that he _can’t_ do the things he wants to because of his condition, doesn’t sit right with him at all in the slightest. Especially when he finds out that Christopher was the one asking to ride the skateboard, and the other kid hadn’t been goading him on but instead sharing. 

Christopher calls Eddie a liar. He feels like the worst parent on the fucking planet. He thought that was what he was supposed to do, build Christopher up, make him feel like anything was possible and like he was normal. And now, what? Everyone wanted him to turn around and tell Christopher that he would have to give up on the idea of doing certain things because he wasn’t able-bodied?

He didn’t know what to do. He knows what Carla is telling him to do, but something about it still feels off to him.

He sits on the barstools at Buck’s place, spilling his guts about all of this. He’s not expecting Buck to have any answers or to give him advice. He just wants to be near him, and talking to Buck is a million times easier than talking to Frank or Bobby or anyone else. Buck listens but more than that, he gets it. And he never makes Eddie feel stupid or like he’s fucked up, even though Eddie knows he did.

“I think you’re over-correcting here,” Buck says after a moment, before launching into a story about a one-handed pitcher named Jim Abbott who pitched a no-hitter in the 90s just by practicing a new way of pitching that worked for him.

“I like the positivity, just not sure how much practice is gonna keep Chris on a skateboard.”

Buck gets a far off look on his face again, one Eddie knows from experience means he’s about to dive deep into research about something. Eddie almost comments on it but then Buck changes the subject and Eddie kinda forgets about it until later on.

He decides to have a talk with Christopher. His boy has always known he was different from everybody else, but Eddie does his best to let him know that nobody can do everything. Even able bodied people have their limitations and just because there are some things he won’t be able to do without assistance doesn’t mean there aren’t other things that he will shine and excel at. He tells Christopher that he doesn’t want him to ever stop trying, or to ever be afraid of trying something new. But maybe, they could try together first while he was still learning and growing.

All in all, he thinks it’s a good talk, Christopher feels better about it all, and Eddie also goes and apologizes to Ms. Flores as well. 

Later that evening, Buck walks in through Eddie’s front door sometime after Christopher has gone to sleep. Eddie loves it when Buck treats his house like his own. When Buck spots him, he rolls over the side of his couch and falls into Eddie’s lap, burying his face in Eddie’s shoulder as he hugs him. 

“So the talk with Christopher went well?” he asks, kissing Eddie’s neck, the slight stubble tickling him enough to spur a small laugh out of him.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, wrapping his arms back over Buck and pulling him in so that the taller man was leaning pretty much all of his weight on Eddie. He didn’t mind it. Secretly loved it, in fact. “Told him that we should try new things together for now while he’s still young.”

Buck hums, going slightly still in Eddie’s arms. Eddie nudges him. “What? That’s your thinking face.”

Buck quirks a smile at that, but then sits up on his haunches. With a wide open and excited face he says, “About that...I kinda have an idea. About the skateboarding.”

Eddie sighs. “I think that ship has long since sailed.”

“Yeah, but what if it doesn’t need to?”

Eddie scrunches his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Buck quickly scrambles to pull his phone out of his back pocket, tapping something into it before pulling up a webpage to show Eddie. As Eddie looks over the photos and reads more and more of the description, his bewilderment builds.

“Is that—?”

Buck is practically vibrating. “Uh huh. A way Christopher can skateboard and be safe at the same time.”

“You—” Eddie can’t believe this. He looks at the price and it’s kind of steep but he could always swing for a few extra shifts. “This is—holy shit, Buck, this is amazing.”

“Yeah?” Buck asks quietly. “You think he’ll like it?”

“I think he’ll _love_ it and want to ride everyday.” Eddie smiles and then asks, “Can you send me the link? I might have to wait until the next round of payroll but—”

“About that…” Buck looks guilty now, like a dog that had gone and ate all of the toilet paper right when you really needed it. “I may have...already got it?”

“Come again?”

“I bought it. It should be here by Friday, so we can assemble it then and maybe take him out on Saturday morning and—”

“Whoa, _whoa,_ Buck...this thing is expensive, you have to let me pay you back—”

“You don’t have to. I wanted to do it. Besides, what else was I gonna spend my money on, beer?”

“Buck…I can’t accept that…”

“What about—” Buck hesitates for a moment. “What about if you paid me back half? You know split 50/50? And you can just consider my half an early birthday present—”

“His birthday is not for another eight months.”

“I know but…” Buck tentatively presses his fingers to Eddie’s cheek, like he’s suddenly afraid Eddie might bat it away or something. “You were just so stressed...and Christopher...he deserves to experience the things he wants to do. He deserves a chance to ride on a skateboard, if that’s what he wants. He’s just a kid, he shouldn’t have to be thinking about all the things he’ll never be able to do. I just want him to enjoy his childhood, whatever it takes. Getting him an accessible skateboard is the least we could do, right?”

Eddie stares at Buck. He stares and stares, and Buck starts to look worried and so Eddie does the only thing he could think to do—the only thing he’d been wanting to do since Buck started talking and captures his mouth in a searing kiss. He pulls Buck on top of him fully, surprising him as his weight flops a bit before he settles in, pressing into Eddie just as enthusiastically. 

He absolutely couldn’t believe this man. Buck, who’s heart just fucking _overflowed—_

Eddie hooks his calf up over Buck’s, dragging the hem of his pants up. Buck is laying between his legs now and Eddie can’t stop his hands from wandering, pressing Buck in closer. He couldn’t get enough. He didn’t know how else to express just how much he loved him, how he felt like crying because of how much Buck loved his son. 

And when they get distracted assembling it in secret when Eddie backs Buck into the wall, he presses how much this means to him into Buck’s lips, whispers it with the gentle touch of his fingertips. When Eddie sees the look of pure joy on Christopher’s face, hears his care-free melodic, laughter-filled shrieks as Buck and Eddie push him on the skateboard, he can’t help but look at Buck and feel so incredibly lucky. 

He was never letting Buck go as long as he lived.

* * *

“This is Diaz,” Eddie groans into his radio. “Can anybody hear me? This is Eddie.”

Static.

“Buck? Can you hear me?”

Silence.

“I'm still alive down here!”

*

29 Years Old: Buck 

Eddie finds the well. The little boy is trapped 50 feet down, and there’s no way to get him out from above. So they have to dig, drill a hole parallel to the pipe and someone has to go down there. 

It starts raining. _Pouring_ was a more fitting description actually. It pelts them in the face as they try to talk to each other, giving commands and updates and instructions. He’s spitting out grainy water from his mouth faster than he can spit out words. 

Thunder cracks across the sky. 

“Shit,” Buck whispers to himself. Lighting follows not a moment later, illuminating the blackened sky just as much, if not more, than the crane they’d set up for lighting in the middle of the night. 

The commissioner wants them to pack up and head back, the lightning is too close, the storm could compromise everyone’s lives. 

But Buck knew his team well. He knew not one of them would be okay with leaving a defenseless little kid alone to die trapped in a well. If it was Harry or Denny or Christopher down in the well they would never even think of abandoning him. And in that moment it didn’t matter if this little boy wasn’t one of their own. He was still someone’s child, and if the way Hayden’s mother cried and thanked Eddie for speaking to Hayden calmly for her was any indication, then Eddie felt the same way.

They were doing this, no matter what. Buck didn’t argue when Eddie stepped forward to be the one to go down the well to rescue Hayden. He knew better than anyone that Christopher was not far from Eddie’s mind, and that the older man was likely churning away with worry inside.

The day was already hard enough on Eddie, Buck could tell that just from watching the man’s face earlier today when Christopher had walked in with Eddie’s silver star and asked his father if he could take it in for show and tell. Even if Christopher didn’t say so much in as many words, the message was loud and clear. Eddie was what Christopher wanted to show off. It was a sweet gesture, Christopher thought of Eddie as his hero.

Buck had been standing right there, he’d watched as Eddie tried to put on a smile for Christopher when really it looked like he was reliving a past he didn’t want to remember.

Buck remembered it. The way the convoy had been shot down. The screams, the ricocheting bullets. The pain that ripped through Eddie’s skin and bone like a pencil through paper, the scars from the bullets on his shoulder and wrist. Sometimes if Buck flexed his wrist, he could feel the phantom pain of that day. And if Buck could feel it then he knew Eddie must be feeling it tenfold.

Buck tried to make light of it in front of Carla and Christopher, tried to direct the attention away from Eddie getting lost in his thoughts instead to dumb questions about if Eddie ever wore it. Buck knew that answer already.

So if this is what Eddie needed to do, to go down a 50 foot hole to save a little boy, then Buck would give that to him. But it didn’t mean he was going in alone. Buck slaps the side of Eddie’s arm, pulling him close quickly while he could steal a moment. 

The rain pelted their faces, their eyes squinting just to see each other.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Buck tells him. 

Even in the dark and the rain, he can see Eddie’s amusement. “Isn’t that my line?”

Buck squeezes Eddie’s arms hard, trying to convey every fear he had, and every bit of faith in him that Eddie could do this, could get himself and Hayden out safe and sound. 

“I’m serious.” He knows by the look in Eddie’s eyes that he knows Buck is serious. It’s how Eddie has always taken him, even when they were young stupid kids. He always took Buck seriously, including now. “You come back to me, you understand.” 

Eddie leans forward, letting their helmets smack together. “I mean it, you know. When I said I would always fight to come home to my family. That—” Eddie spits out water. “That includes you.”

_I’ll always fight to come home to my family._

That had been a mantra of Eddie’s. Buck had heard it over and over again, while Eddie was in Afghanistan, and even afterwards, during particularly rough moments. Like the tsunami, he vaguely remembered moments in between the trying not to drown, where he could hear Eddie whispering that same phrase again and again under his breath. Buck had assumed it was for Christopher.

_That includes you._

If Buck could get away with it, he would sweep Eddie into a kiss, but now was not the time. And not only that, but he refused to let this be a goodbye kiss, or even a maybe this is goodbye kiss. Buck refused. 

If Eddie was going down on that rope then it was Buck’s responsibility to work the pulley. He would make sure Eddie was safe, always. As soon as Eddie disappears into the hole, Buck focuses in, letting the view of the farm and the storm slip away until he’s looking at a wall of dirt surrounding him on all sides.

Buck listens to Eddie on the radio, and as Eddie’s signal starts to fade, Buck hears him loud and clear in his head. Finally, their gift was good for something.

 **_I’ve reached depth._ **Eddie digs his way through and Buck watches, muttering “come on, come on” under his breath. Finally, Eddie is able to dig through and cuts a hole into the pipe, shoving his head in.

“Shit, he’s slipped farther down.”

“What?” Bobby asks. Right as he says this, the video signal is gone, they no longer have visual or radio connection on Eddie and Hayden. “I can’t reach him on the radio. That’s it, we’re bringing him up.”

“No, Cap. We need to give him more time!” Buck can see it, Eddie’s so close to having Hayden, he just needs a bit more time. He tries to pass it off as hypotheticals to the team, but he can see it in Bobby’s face that he knows something. 

There’s 1 minutes in on the clock.

“Alright, we give him one more minute, and then we bring him up.”

Buck watches as Eddie reaches down, hauling Hayden up. They’re right on the edge, almost there. Eddie has Hayden and they’re at the junction between the well and the cavern that Eddie had carved between the pipe and the hole.

Lightning strikes right around the corner. It was nearly upon them.

“Pull him out now or we’re shutting it all down, with or without your guy!” the commissioner calls.

Bobby looks back at Buck. 

“Cap, we—”

“Pull him up!” Bobby gives the order. 

“No!” He abandons his post, moving toward Bobby. “Cap he has him, he just needs to get a little farther and—”

“Chim! Man the pulley now! Buck, stop it. We can’t risk this any more than we already have.” Chimney does as told, running to take over Buck’s spot, and—

It all happens so fast, the rope yanks from the top and Hayden slips from Eddie’s grasp.

 **_No, no, no! STOP! HAYDEN!_ **Eddie goes flying, yanked like a rag doll all the way out past the pipe and up the hole. He reaches for his knife.

“Eddie, _no!”_

Eddie carves through the line in an instant, falling through the hole and landing right back where he started. 

Buck’s hands fly to his helmet. “Fuck!”

“I lost the weight!” Chimney calls.

“He cut the line,” Buck says a moment before the rope is fully pulled up and Hen gasps. 

She looks over at him in shock. “He cut the damn line!”

Bobby’s face is nothing short of horrified. “Chim! Gear up, I’m sending you down.”

Buck is immediately pushing through as everyone speeds off to the tent. “I should be the one to go down.”

“So we can end up with two cut lines?” Hen bites out. “Uh uh. You’re staying your ass right here.”

“You don’t understand,” Buck yells. “I _told_ you he needed more time—”

“We don’t have time for this!” Bobby pushes Buck out of the tent. “Chim, you’re on in two minutes.”

“Do we even know if he’s alive?” Chim asks. “Hayden? The camera is under water.”

 **_Mom! Mom!_ **A little boy’s voice echoes in Buck’s ears. Eddie is crawling forward, grasping for Hayden, and then.

“He has Hayden!” Buck calls out, marching over to the well. “Hurry, Chim, we gotta get to them before the lightning gets any closer!”

Chim goes down quickly, calling for Eddie the whole time. Buck watches with relief, sweet fucking relief, as Eddie hands Hayden off to Chimney. As the two of them emerge from the well, a round of applause goes off.

“We’re coming for you, Eddie, just hang on.”

**_You better._ **

“Buck, let's pull Eddie up and let's all go home,” Bobby says.

Lightning crashes into the light tower, sending showers of sparks everywhere. There’s an explosion and the crane is tilting—and Bobby is right in the middle of it.

“Cap!” Buck screams and sprints forward, catapulting himself into Bobby and pushing the both of them out of the way just as the crane falls over on top of the well. 

Everything comes crashing down on top of Eddie, and Buck feels as the weight crushes him, Eddie blipping out of his head in a mere second. 

Empty.

“No,” comes out quiet under his breath. For a moment, Buck stares at the ground, frozen in the moment, and then he looks over and the well—it’s completely caved in. “No!”

Buck hears the screaming, hears the pounding of the rain, feels the blood from his broken fingernails as he claws at the mud. His heart beats overtime, wind and water and dirt and salt in his nose and mouth. His turn coat is the only thing keeping him from slicing his knees open, but he feels it slipping up his pants, the cold and grime reaching up and up until it reaches his heart. 

He grasps the mud in his hands, clumps squeezing out through the grooves between his fingers. What Buck wouldn’t give to feel Eddie’s hands in their place. Instead, all he could feel was a cracking in his ribs, a fracture in his spine as he slid forward, his hands out in front of him. He’s on his knees, in a prayer stance, and for the first time since he left home, Buck finds himself praying.

 _Please,_ he begs to whoever is listening. He prays to his mother’s God, to the God who somehow connected him and Eddie from the moment he was born. How could He do this to Buck? How could he give Buck Eddie...and then just take him away like this? Right when they had just started their life together, when they were supposed to have so much more time?

“Buck!” Bobby is behind him, pulling him up, or trying to. Buck can’t feel his body. Where there had once been a tell-tale throb of his heart pushing blood through his veins, all he could feel now was mud, hardening and brittle, snapping off like tree branches on a winter’s night. 

Bobby manages to yank him up, but loses his footing on the mud and the both of them collapse onto the ground.

Buck struggles to push him off. “I have to—I have to get—”

He reaches forward to the mud yet again, and then all the energy he had left in his body depletes. Every branch that fed blood to his body snapped off until there was nothing.

Buck finds himself face up, water pounding him in the eyes, sliding down his face like he was standing under a shower head. But that sound—the sound of something crushing to dust, that comes from his lungs. From his throat. It’s a wail of pain, and it’s coming from his very core.

_Please don’t take him away from me._

“Get a hold of yourself. Get up. We have to figure out a plan and get him out," Bobby says.

Buck can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. Bobby hauls him up, and Hen comes running in, pulling him forward, by the helmet, walking him through breathing exercises, trying to ease his panic attack even with Buck leaning nearly all his weight on top of her. 

“We—”

**_—this is—anybody hear—’m alive—_ **

It’s quiet, but Buck hears it. He hears it, he hears Eddie and he nearly faints. 

**_I’M STILL ALIVE DOWN HERE!_ **

Instead, what he does do is burst into sobs so hard Bobby has to catch him again before he completely knocks Henrietta over. 

“He’s a—” Buck can barely get the words out through his tears. “H-he’s alive!” 

“Buck…”

“No!” Buck shoves Bobby off. “He’s alive, god damn it! I heard him!” Buck sets off again towards the hole, ready to drop to his knees and start digging by hand again.

Bobby and Chim grab him this time, dragging him back towards the house. 

“No! _No!_ Bobby I have to get him—!” “Buck, stop!” 

“I have to—”

Bobby throws him into the house. “Go to the bathroom. Wash your face, get some of the mud off. And when you’re done, get back down here. We’re gonna come up with a plan to get him back.

Buck has no choice but to oblige. He goes up to the bathroom and the second he’s out of earshot—

“Eddie?! Eddie! Can you hear me?” 

Buck shuts his eyes, focuses on the bits and pieces of mud and water and debris surrounding Eddie. It flickers in and out, and Buck feels the bone deep exhaustion, the raw frozen fire of the water. 

**_...Buck?_ **It’s weak, and Buck can barely hear him, but that doesn’t stop him from nearly collapsing over the sink, hoping the poor thing could take all his weight as he sobs. 

“Thank fucking God,” Buck wipes his face with his hands, but that just spreads more mud. “I thought I—I thought I lost you—”

**_—water...The water’s rising...up to my—n-neck—got the oxygen tank…_ **

“Just hold on,” Buck quickly rinses the mud off of his face and hands and rushes downstairs. “Just hold on, Eddie we’re coming for you.” 

**_...Buck...tell Chris—love him—_** he’s gasping now, hands clattering around in the darkness for his scuba gear. It’s not gonna be enough. 

“You’re gonna tell him that yourself, you fucking hear me?” Buck nearly spits out. “We’re gonna get you and you’re gonna tell him that yourself.”

Eddie takes the first breath from the oxygen tanks. Buck feels it in Eddie’s chest, the blind panic...the regret for what they were about to lose and all that they could’ve had. These were the last words he was going to get to say.

 **_Buck…_ ** it’s gargled, like bubbles barely pushing out his mouth. **_Love...you._ **

Buck feels the icy water engulf Eddie completely, but he can still feel the breath in Eddie’s lungs. 

“No, no, no, _no!_ ” They were running out of time. “You keep fighting! You find a way!”

The team thinks Eddie’s dead. Buck tries to explain it to them, that Eddie’s alive, but he’s running out of oxygen and he was going to drown, if the chill didn’t kill him first

They gather around Bobby, devising a plan involving thermal cams, but it’s going to take too long. Eddie needs something quicker. He—

Buck moves away from the crowd, ignoring the murmurs from the others. Eddie’s not breathing anymore, but Buck can still feel him. He must be holding his breath. They had even less time than Buck had thought.

He—there was no way they were going to reach him in time. Eddie—he—

His eyes are shutting, it’s completely dark. Buck slams into the side of the house, sinking down to his ass. He can feel it...he can feel Eddie slipping away, can feel his soul dimming from within him. It was carving his still beating heart from his chest.

Eddie was...Eddie was giving up. All of the oxygen in their lungs escaped in bubbles. 

And Eddie...like a flame that had once steadily flickered in Buck’s heart, he goes out. And this time it wasn’t like hanging up the phone, it wasn’t like shutting Eddie out, or Eddie shutting him out, where they could no longer communicate, but he could still feel Eddie’s soul within him. 

Now...there was nothing. Buck clutched his hand to his chest, head dropping into his chin as silent screams left his mouth like the last of the air in Eddie’s body, like the last of Eddie that remained inside him.

Everything inside him goes dark. Buck’s staring out at the reservoir in front of him, but he sees nothing. 

Eddie was gone, and Buck followed right after him. 

The tick of a clock beats in his ears. Beats like a drum echoing throughout the husk of a body he no longer inhabits.

And then…

And then…

He feels…

A spark.

The tiniest flicker of something. Like the crackle of a star being born, moments before the explosion. 

Buck reaches for it. With everything he has inside him, he reaches forward, sends everything he can of himself towards that flicker.

He thinks of fireflies, and snow flurries and Christopher and musicals and swings and Christopher and movies and baseball and stolen kisses and there’s nobody I trust more with my son than you and we’re in this for life and you’re my best friend and you’re gonna be okay kid and I love you and Christopher needs you and I can’t live without you and I’m always going to come home to my family and please _please please Eddie Eddie Eddie—_

Buck’s eyes pop open just as Eddie’s do. And Buck gives him everything, all of his energy, everything he has within him. He could have it all if it meant he just kept swimming. Just like Christopher did, that beautiful blessed baby boy, and now he was leading Eddie home. 

Buck sees it, and he stands up. 

The reservoir. Eddie looks up and sees the surface, sees the reflection of the light and he’s almost there.

Buck throws his head back and howls to the wind.

And then he sprints. Eddie bursts through the surface, breathing in and filling his lungs, and filling Buck’s soul up to the brim. Buck doesn’t stop when he reaches the shore, falling chest first into the water with a loud splash. 

“EDDIE!” The scream is ear-splitting and his voice cracks over a guttural sob as Eddie swims forward with all the energy he could muster, splashing and gasping and kicking and fighting.

Buck slams into him, nearly knocking the both of them back into the water, but he doesn’t care. Eddie’s arms are wrapped around him and he’s bawling into Buck’s shoulder, gasping harshly as Buck touches him everywhere, just to feel him alive and breathing and pressed against him. And they are disgusting and muddy and bloody but Buck kisses him anyway, so starved for Eddie’s touch because he almost lost that. He’d almost lost Eddie forever and he can’t get enough, kissing his face, his cheeks, his lips, his eyes, he can’t stop—he can’t stop quivering and crying and laughing and kissing Eddie just as hard as he kisses Buck back.

“Thank fuck!” Buck cries. “Thank _fucking_ fuck, Eddie—”

Eddie splutters a shivering laugh and he’s the most fucking gorgeous, mesmerizing creature Buck has ever seen in his goddamn fucking life and he would die just to see that smile one more time—

They’re dragged forward, large thermal blankets spread over their shoulders, throwing their arms over shoulders so they could support Eddie and Buck’s weights as they carted them off towards the ambulances. Buck can’t let go of Eddie’s hand, and the second they’re pushed onto the back of the ambulance, Buck is by his side again even as Hen and Chim try to get the both of them to focus so they could look each of them over for wounds.

Chim keeps whispering under his breath about how they were such lucky sons of bitches. Nobody commented on their display in the water, if any of them had even seen it, but they kept a sharp watch on Eddie’s vitals, making sure he was warming up the right way. 

Eddie had been dead. Buck knew it, and by the look Eddie kept giving him, he knew it too. 

They had been this close to losing each other again, and only by some otherworldly miracle, the same miracle that somehow bestowed this gift upon them in the first place, Eddie was able to pull through and find his way out.

Eddie was somehow healing faster than expected. Even the doctors couldn’t quite believe it, thinking that he should still stay the night and keep monitored. Bobby insisted Buck get a check up as well. Buck was given the okay to leave, but he was going to wait until Eddie was okay. Buck stayed up and waited all night, and at four in the morning when Eddie was given the all-clear to go home, Bobby had insisted that he drive the both of them home to Eddie’s house where they could both keep an eye out for each other. And they both had the next two days off. No exceptions.

Carla was there and awake and she hugged Eddie and Buck both for a solid 5 minutes each. Christopher was asleep in his bed, having not had a single clue about anything that had transpired that night. After Carla left to go home, Buck and Eddie ended up standing in Christopher’s doorway for another twenty minutes. Eddie wandered in, kissing Christopher’s head shakily, like he couldn’t even believe he was here, able to physically touch his boy. 

Eddie eventually lets Buck drag him back to his bed. He helps Eddie change clothes, brushing his hair back with his hands as they get into bed. Immediately Eddie curls into Buck’s side and Buck finds himself pressing back just as hard. He thinks they fall asleep for an hour or so, drifting in and out. He hears Eddie crying softly at one point and says nothing, just pressing his hand into the small of Eddie’s back, brushing fingertips against soft skin. Eddie falls back asleep again, but Buck can’t. All he can think about is that feeling, the complete and utter empty that he’d felt when Eddie was gone. He’d never felt like that before ever in his life, and it—it made him want to throw up, even just thinking about it. It made him hug Eddie’s body tighter, afraid that if he let him go for even just a moment that he might just snuff out again like a light. 

He doesn’t know what time it is, doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at Eddie’s ceiling, just thinking. He misses it when Eddie murmurs something into his shoulder. He doesn’t ask him to repeat it. 

He knows Eddie’s awake now, can feel it in the way his arms tighten around Buck with more conviction, the way his mouth moves with purpose against Buck’s skin.

Buck sighs, deep and aching. “I wouldn’t have survived it.”

Eddie hums. “Well...that’s why I went down and not you.”

Buck shakes his head, turning on his side so that he and Eddie were now face to face. “No, I mean...I wouldn’t have survived it, if you hadn’t made it out. If you d—”

The words burn in his throat. 

“How did you do it?” he asks instead. He grips Eddie’s face. “I felt it, Eddie. I felt you just—”

Eddie swallowed.

“I...I saw...everything.” At Buck’s confused look, Eddie tries to clarify. “I saw my whole life. Christopher, Shannon, my parents, Bobby, the 118. You.”

“Me?”

“And I heard it in my head... _Christopher needs you_ ,” Eddie presses his eyes closed and then opens them again. “And I heard you. I felt something run through me, I don’t know what. It was like...I don’t know, like a jolt of pure energy, and I just—I kept swimming. Like Dory.”

Buck kisses him hard for that. “I can’t believe a stupid fish has saved both of your lives. If I ever meet her I’m giving her a fucking fruit basket.”

“Pretty sure fish don’t eat fruit.”

“Cheese then.”

Eddie laughs and it’s the most magical sound Buck has ever heard and he leans forward again, kissing Eddie softly, tiny little pecks. They soon settle, Buck cradling Eddie’s face close to his.

Buck sighs. “Pretty sure everyone saw me. I wasn’t exactly hiding that I knew what was going on with you.”

“Bobby knows.”

Buck reels back slightly, looking at Eddie incredulously. “Come again?”

“During the tsunami, I kinda lost it...and I also wasn’t hiding that I knew what was happening with you. I was talking to you right in front of them. Bobby guessed.”

Buck leans back onto the pillow, totally fucking dazed. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Someone else knows.”

“Christopher also knows.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t count, he’s Christopher.” Eddie kisses him soundly for that, and Buck purrs into it, rolling up towards him. He likes cuddling Eddie, it has to be his favorite activity next to kissing him. 

They relax back into the moment for a bit. The sun was starting to rise and they both knew soon Christopher would be up and they would somehow have to go about their day like normal. But for now in the early morning dawn, they could just be.

“Hey Buck?” Eddie asks, sounding so much like Chris it makes Buck chuckle for a moment. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember...back on my first tour, when I was having a panic attack and you showed me the snow?”

Fuck. Yeah, Buck remembered that. He hadn’t seen Eddie’s dream but he sure as hell had tasted his fear, felt the overwhelming heat peeling at his skin, melting his brain. 

“What made you think of that?” Buck asks, even though it wasn’t hard to think of other traumatizing moments when you had just suffered one.

“Well, it wasn’t that per se. I just remember...you were talking about our connection, and how you had some theories for what it was.”

Buck chuckles. “Yeah, I would count most of those out by now.”

Eddie shakes his head, moving up closer until he was up on his elbow looking down over Buck. “There was one you didn’t want to share. One you thought was stupid and you wouldn’t tell me until I got home from my tour.”

Oh shit. Whoops. Yeah, he had promised he would tell him, and then he swiftly forgot. And it wasn’t just him, Eddie forgot too. Or if he didn’t, then he sure never brought it up again.

“Well,” Eddie makes a sweeping gesture towards himself. “I’m home. And I still wanna know. I told you I would hold you to it.”

Buck groans, shifting to bury his face in the pillows. Dear Jesus, this was embarrassing. Eddie pulls him back, rolling him over so he could still see his face again.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to...I won’t force you.”

“It’s not that, it’s just—” Buck covers his rapidly reddening face. “Oh my god, you’re going to think I’m so immature.”

“No, I won’t,” Eddie promises. “Maybe I’ll laugh, but I’m not gonna think any less of you.”

Yeah...Buck thinks, looking up at Eddie in the early morning light. Eddie might laugh, but it would never be at him, only with him. They would do it together. 

“Fine.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow, waiting patiently. “So…? What did you think it is?”

And Buck looks up at Eddie, his soft face, his beautiful eyes. Healthy and alive and breathing the same air as Buck. He reaches forward, cupping Eddie’s cheek, stroking his fingers among the dark bags that still lingered from last night but didn’t make him look any less angelic.

“...soulmates,” he whispers.

Eddie is quiet for a moment, but just as ever, where Eddie’s mouth may be silent, his eyes take Buck on a journey far more harrowing and intoxicating. Eddie leans his head further into Buck’s hand, nuzzling it softly before pressing a kiss to his palm. 

Eddie reaches his hand forward, pinky extended and it takes Buck’s breath away. Buck meets him in the middle, his own pinky wrapping around Eddie’s, ready to never ever let him go. 

“Soulmates,” Eddie says, then presses a kiss to their conjoined fingers.

* * *

Eddie goes back to work the following week. Buck doesn’t like it, silently wishes Eddie would at least take another week off, but he and Eddie were two sides of the same coin when it came to work. Neither could stand being idle for too long. So he kept his mouth shut when Eddie came back to work, when he barely mentioned what happened underground—or above ground in the reservoir. Buck could tell that Hen and Chimney were dying to ask, just barely keeping themselves together from bursting out with their millions of questions.

It was news to Buck that Bobby was aware of his and Eddie’s mind connection, but it did explain the number of times Bobby looked at him and spoke to him about Eddie as if Eddie were standing right next to him. Maybe Buck wasn’t as good at hiding it as he thought.

A large fire breaks out in a ten story building. Buck, Eddie and Bobby are the first to enter the building, searching for remaining people trapped. They think they have everyone out, except for a cat named Gladys.

Of course the cat wasn’t actually Gladys, and that meant they had to go back for a deaf woman in the same top apartment. Buck wants to do another rope rescue.

“Of course you do,” Eddie shakes his head fondly.

Eddie is his partner, as is only expected. They scale the side of the building and Eddie is working the pulley. And Buck always enjoys these types of rescues. The ones where the adrenaline is pumping and it looks impossible but he knows in his bones that he can do it. This is what he’s good at. He’s fine being the one to sacrifice if something goes wrong. The ceiling is starting to collapse and before Buck can even say anything to Eddie over the radio, Bobby is ordering him down. Buck is on his own but he manages it fine. He manages to attach Gladys to his harness and yeah, the rope catches on fire a little, but when they fall and he hits the mat back first, Gladys is totally okay. 

When Eddie makes it down, Buck’s the first person he comes toward, touching his arm softly, looking over him for injuries he doesn’t have. “I saw the fall. You okay?”

All Buck can do is smile at the attention.

It’s a win.

It’s a big fucking win. And Buck wants to celebrate. Of course, everyone is busy. Buck completely forgot that Christopher was hosting his sleepover that night. His mind had been so preoccupied with Eddie, and Eddie almost dying and worrying about Eddie whenever they were working or not working, that Chris’ sleepover totally slipped his mind.

“What if we all go out on Friday evening?” Eddie suggests to everyone as they’re getting ready to go off on their own date nights. “Everyone’s free Friday, right?” He gives pointed looks to Hen, Chim and Bobby, who all look rightfully scolded. 

“Yeah, I can get a sitter,” Hen says. Eddie nods like this was the only acceptable answer she could give. 

Buck can’t help but stare at Eddie, still unable to comprehend how someone like him could love Buck...could be in love with him. It still shocked him, when he woke up in the mornings at Eddie's house to find Eddie’s arms wrapped around him, mouth pressed into his skin. Even on the mornings when he woke up in his own bed alone at his apartment, he still woke up with a smile when the memory hit him that yes, Eddie was his. He had a family, Eddie and Christopher.

He just hadn’t realized how terrifying having a family actually was. Every morning when Eddie went to drop off Christopher at school, Buck worried that something might happen to the kid, was suddenly struck with the thought of ‘what if something happened to him at school and this was the last time I ever saw him?’ Carla always texts Eddie once she’s successfully picked Christopher up and taken him back home. Eddie always passed along the message of Christopher’s safe passage back home, and the ten ton weight that had been resting on Buck’s shoulders would lift. 

It wasn’t any easier with Eddie. That fear never seemed to go away, but Buck didn’t want to be smothering. He didn’t want Eddie to think he didn’t trust him. So instead of being overly protective or telling Eddie not to go for the dangerous saves (neither of them would listen should the other tell them that), instead he vows to stay close, forever watching Eddie’s back, ready to step in and help whenever needed. It was the only thing that made him feel less anxious. And already Buck and Eddie rarely had shifts where they weren’t together, so he didn’t have to worry much about Eddie being on shift without him as backup. 

Eddie had long since invited Buck to help out with the sleepover, and although Buck was disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to celebrate while the adrenaline was high, he also would never turn down a night with the Diaz boys. And five other screaming children.

Around 9pm after all the kids had been put to bed in the pillow fort Buck and Eddie had helped them make in the living room, Buck decided that he would still try and catch a drink and then head home.

“Are you sure?” Eddie asks, standing in the kitchen, cleaning the last of the dishes from the pizza they’d bought for the kids tonight. “I can’t exactly drink right now in case something happens with one of the kids, but you can always stay here tonight.”

Buck shook his head. Truthfully, he was having a bit of a hard time since the well incident—since the tsunami actually—and right now he really could use a good drink without having to worry that something bad was going to sneak up on him and take everything away.

“I’ll come by tomorrow morning,” Buck says. “Help with the cleanup.”

“If you want,” Eddie murmurs with a crease in his brow.

He was fucking shit up already. They’d not even been officially together three months and Buck was already fucking up. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. 

The bar he went to wasn’t the usual the 118 frequented. Wasn’t even the usual he and Eddie went to that was closest to Eddie’s house. This one was within walking distance of his own apartment, since he didn’t want to call an Uber nor did he want to worry about driving. 

It wasn’t exactly a young bar, filled mostly with older patrons, but Buck didn’t really care. He didn’t come here to meet people, he had his people already. This moment for him, was just to try and get his mind off the anxiety. The breathing exercises weren’t working. He’d been ignoring it for weeks—months. The little itching at the back of his neck that tickled over his ears and planted terrible ideas in his head that this was going to end soon. 

After the tsunami, Buck was one hundred percent certain that Eddie was never going to want to talk to Buck again. Maybe even would want to take Christopher away. He wouldn’t blame him, if Eddie never wanted Christopher near the water again, or near Buck again. It had blown Buck’s mind when instead of leaving, instead of hating Buck and throwing him away like everyone else, Eddie had doubled down, said there was no one else in the world he trusted with Chris more than him. Buck still didn’t think Eddie knew the gravity of what those words meant to Buck. 

Those words terrified him.

Buck...he’d tried to grow. He’d try to put his past behind him, the moments when he’d taken people’s trust and thrown it back in their face. He’d done it to some of the people he loved most, Eddie, Bobby. He tried to change. He wanted to be better. Somehow he’d grown into a person he didn’t like by the time he became a firefighter and he thought that Abby had changed him. 

Almost suing the department proved he hadn’t changed. Even if Eddie forgave him, even if Christopher still looked at him like a hero...Buck still felt like a fraud. Soon enough Eddie would realize that too. He had many promises made to him over the years, pinky promises from his sister that he thought meant something. If she could break two of them, leave him a second time even after coming back and promising she wouldn’t leave again, who was to say it wouldn’t happen again? Why would Eddie want him to stay when not even his own sister did? Sure, Maddie was here now, but Buck wasn’t naive enough to think this was permanent. He could hope, because that’s just who he was. The person who got their hopes, even as they anticipated the pain, and still crashed hard when the inevitable came to pass.

So he sat at the bar and drank a few beers. He looked up at the TV, when he heard mention of the 118. And there he was, flying through the air in front of a burning building, landing safely with Gladys in his arms. Just earlier he had felt so proud of that. Of his heroism. How much of that was Buck actually being a hero and how much was him just _needing_ to play hero so that he could prove his worth to his Captain, to his team. To Eddie.

He could’ve been seriously hurt. He chuckled darkly to himself. Just a few short months ago, that thought would’ve never crossed Buck’s mind. 

He should be happy. He should be happy that he was alive and he had his job back, and Christopher was alive and fairing pretty well despite all of the trauma of the tsunami. He should be happy that Eddie survived, that they were something to each other now. 

Instead all he felt was that foreboding sense of dread. All it would take is something as small as walking across the street, just like Shannon had, and Buck’s entire world could shatter again. 

“Idiot,” a gruff male voice comes from beside him. Buck turns his head, momentarily pulled out of his wallowing (he remembers watching the Grinch with Chris, _4:00 wallow in self-pity, 5:00 wrestle with my self-loathing_ but even that’s not enough to pull him out of his mood). 

The old man sitting next to him is shaking his head at Buck on the screen. “Running straight into a hellfire like that, pulling rope stunts. Only a moron would do something that reckless.”

Okay, who did this guy think he was?

“Those morons are saving lives.”

The man hums. “Damn straight. That they are. LAFD. Best and bravest on God's green earth, right?”

Then it hits him. This man is a firefighter, wasn’t he? Or was.

He learns that the man’s name is Red, and that he was, in fact, a retired firefighter with the LAFD. The man offers to buy him a drink, and well, Buck can’t refuse. The man is a living legend. A reflection of what Buck planned to be. If he didn’t die young, he planned to live until he was old and gray and only retire when he physically couldn’t put out fires anymore. He wanted to save lives with his team for the rest of his life. With Eddie, and Bobby and Hen and Chim. But especially with Eddie. 

It was actually all kinds of awesome getting to hear about all the adventures Red and his team went on, all the daredevil stunts Red had pulled in his heyday. It made Buck excited, looking forward to whatever bad ass moves he would get to pull on calls in the future. 

All was fun, until Buck made the mistake of asking if Red was still in contact with his team.

Then it shifted from the stories of saving lives, to the stories that cost Red’s teams their lives. Red’s partner Mac ended up dying on a call they were working together. Buck witnessed the look in Red’s eyes when he mentioned it. How he didn’t want to go in detail, didn’t want to talk much about his work after his partner’s death. 

“I know that look, kid,” Red murmurs, tapping the side of his beer bottle. “There been a death on your team?”

Buck shakes his head. “No. Thank goodness.”

Red actually smiles at this. “That’s good to hear. When something like that happens...it can make or break a team. It either brings you closer, trying harder than ever to keep each other safe, or the team is never the same again.”

Buck stares into his beer bottle, seeing just a fragment of his reflection in the liquid. He could feel his eyelids starting to moisten a bit so he quickly drank a large gulp.

“Uh, Eddie—my partner—” Buck clarifies, then clears his throat. “He almost uh—”

Red nods an understanding head. “Recent?”

“Couple weeks.”

“Teammates come and go,” Red says, “move to different houses, but sometimes, when you meet the right partner and you just click,” he shakes his head with a smile. “Mac was the best partner I ever had. The team definitely wasn’t the same without him.”

“How do you get over it?” Buck asks. “That fear? Of losing your teammates?”

Red laughs softly. “Sonny, that shit doesn't ever go away. All you can do is learn to manage it. Nowadays, the only thing that gets us all together in the same room is when another one of us is dead. We're all gonna go eventually, kid. You just don't want to be the last one left.”

“What about your family?”

“Gotta have somebody to have a family, right?”

“So you don’t…?” Buck didn’t know if it was rude to keep digging further into this, asking more and more personal questions. 

“I always thought I'd get around to it, but it just never happened, you know? I was too consumed with the firehouse and being the best and saving lives. It's hard for anyone to compete with that.”

Buck keeps thinking about it, even when he offers to escort Red home. He lived a couple blocks farther away from where Buck’s apartment was, and the walk clears his head up a little bit. Buck makes sure Red gets safely inside, and accepts when the older man invites him inside and shows him the pictures of his old team. He points out all the members, accompanied by reminding him of the specific story he’d shared about them earlier. Red was a similar age to Buck in the larger group picture, and he also learns Red’s real first name is John, and Red was just a nickname.

It was all beginning to creep up on him how similar they were. Then he noticed the picture of a young Red and a pretty woman beside him. He asks who it is and learns this was the woman Red was going to marry, if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with the job, putting the job above her. She left him and Red never really loved anyone else.

“You got somebody, kid?”

Flashes of Eddie pass through his head, years and years of knowing him, of loving him silently in the background until they had crashed together in person and Buck could never look back.

“Me? I...well…” Buck thinks about it, about not telling Red, about not saying a single thing about Eddie. He wondered how Red might feel to know that when Buck had been talking about his partner, he meant more than just in a camaraderie way. Eddie was more than just a teammate. He was...fuck, he was everything. 

Red waits patiently, doesn’t force it out of him. Buck takes a chance, hopes that Red will understand. 

“You remember my partner? Eddie?” Buck asks quietly. At Red’s nod and lifted eyebrow of curiosity, Buck continues. “Well...he’s more than that. More than just my partner on the job.”

“Mmm,” Red hums. “So when you were talking about the accident the other day, it was more than just losing a teammate.”

Buck nods slowly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, he’s...everything and...it’s overwhelming.”

“How so?”

“I just—I’m scared. Like all the time. That something is going to happen to him o-or Christopher, his son, and I’m just gonna end up alone. I almost died like, what, four or five times now, and I don’t even care, but Eddie and Christopher almost die once and I feel like the world is going to end at any second. Sometimes I feel like I should end it with him just so I’m not constantly afraid of the other shoe dropping, just so I don’t have to keep worrying that at any second they’re going to leave or be taken away or—” 

Red pulls him over to take a seat on the leather rocking chair, and then goes into the kitchen and gets him some water. It reminds him of Eddie, getting him water when he was crying over Christmas movies. 

“Now listen to me. You can be the hero, save lives, but don't neglect having your own. Your Eddie...he’s not going anywhere, and if he does, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life knowing you’d wasted the time you could’ve had together, right? No, of course you don’t. Believe me, I’ve spent damn near 50 years wishing for my Cindy back, when she’s been happily married two cities over this whole time. Last thing you want is to be at the end holding nothing but regrets. Trust me.”

Buck gulps down the water, wiping away tears that had started to fall as he listened. The thought of losing Eddie and Chris terrified him, but the thought of them moving on without him? Of being so close but no longer in reach? The thought of Buck living the rest of his life, witnessing Eddie live out his life through his eyes and knowing he could never be a part of that? He didn’t want to do that anymore, the thought made him want to gag. He’d spent 27 years waiting and watching and wanting Eddie from the sidelines. And now that he finally had him, why couldn’t he just shut his brain up and enjoy it? Why couldn’t he just let himself be happy and in love?

“You know where she is?”

Red shrugs. “I mean, I hear updates from time to time. Wasn’t like I was stalking her or anything.”

“You’ve not tried to get back in contact with her?”

“Her sister works down at the hospital. Told me she has dementia. I don’t even know if she remembers me or not,” Red’s face turns indescribably sad at that, and Buck feels his heart break in two for this man. “That’s why I said what I said. Don’t throw away the gifts life has already given you. You hang on to them, and you don’t let them go for anything.”

Buck walks home by himself that night, frigid cold and sober. 

He lies awake in his bed, thinking about Eddie, thinking about Red. Thinking about all the people who’ve left him behind, Maddie, Vini, Maddie again, Abby. The 118 felt like all he had for a long time. Even with Eddie in the back of his head, he somehow always felt like a distant impossible fantasy. It was why he had clung so hard to Abby. The one he thought would be his person, the one person for him. 

She wasn’t. And Buck had begun to think he wasn’t ever meant to mean anything to anybody. Eddie and Maddie crash landed into his life and made him forget for a moment that he was lonely. He was lonely in his own heart. Lonely, even with himself for company.

Maddie had broken her promises, she had left more than once. The 118 might not always be in the same firehouse, might not always work together day in and day out. Everyone had someone to go home to, and now...Buck finally had that. He had Eddie, and he had Christopher. He had Maddie too. The 118 would always be his friends, would always be his one true family, more than his mother and father could ever wish to be. 

But what he had with Eddie and Christopher was different. It transcended that, and Buck didn’t want to waste the gifts he’d been given by being afraid. He didn’t want to do that anymore.

So he falls asleep restlessly and when he wakes up, the first thing he does is pick up two dozen donuts and heads to Eddie’s house. He arrives before all of the kids wake up, and he sneaks in quietly to the kitchen, turning on the coffee maker so it would be ready before Eddie woke up. 

The smell of coffee wakes everyone up, Eddie because he was craving it, and the kids because it smelled nasty. The kids grumbling lasts all of two seconds before they realize that they were brought donuts and Buck and Eddie let them devour them in the dining room while they sipped their coffee together in the kitchen.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Eddie tells him. He crosses his arms, the furrow in his brow still there from last night. 

“I wanted to,” Buck says, moving closer to Eddie until they’re standing side by side. He nudges his arm into Eddie’s and lets the bare skin linger. “I should’ve stayed last night.”

“You were upset. I get it. You didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of nine year olds. Even someone who loves kids as much as you wouldn’t want to do that instead of celebrating.”

“No, Eddie,” Buck shakes his head, then takes another sip of his coffee. “I met someone last night.”

He feels Eddie stiffen and he lets out a little laugh. “Relax, the guy was almost 70. Retired LAFD. 134.”

Eddie’s shoulders relax, and his chest visibly releases. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Buck nods. “He had a lot of stories from his team. It was cool to hear.”

“Yeah?” Eddie says, turning and looking more interested.

“Yeah,” Buck’s smile turns down. “It was strange. It was like I was looking at an older version of myself. Same reckless side, same stupid youthful hero complex. But he was alone, he had no one to settle down with once all the action passed. All of his teammates are dead or they hardly talk to each other anymore and he didn’t have a family. It freaked me out because not too long ago, I could’ve sworn that would’ve been me.”

Eddie stiffens yet again. “Buck…”

“You scare me, Eddie,” Buck tells him honestly, turning to him so that he could look him in the eye. “It scares me because you and Chris make me so fucking happy—”

“I don’t understand—”

“I keep waiting for the train wreck to come. Waiting for you to realize that I’m not worth it and leave—”

“Buck—” he knew Eddie was ready to argue that point, but Buck wasn’t done yet.

“—or die. I’m constantly afraid that you and Chris are going to be taken away from me. That I won’t be able to protect you. That I’ll keep failing you both. It was getting to be too much and I needed to take my mind off of it. Get away for just a moment.”

Eddie looks down, biting down hard on his lower lip. He’s waiting for Buck to continue his speech.

“But seeing how Red lived his life, how he just...let everything slip through his fingers...I knew I couldn’t let you go. Even if I’m scared for the rest of my life, I’d rather live with that than the knowledge that I ever let you go. There’s no way I’ll let you be the one that got away.”

Eddie’s lips tremble just slightly, and his face is soft and flushed a pretty pink in the morning sunlight. And when he looks up at Buck with a smile that lights up the room brighter than any morning dawn, he knows he’s made the right decision.

Eddie chuckles sweetly, taking one more sip of coffee. “Wasn’t expecting to get swept off my feet this early in the morning.”

Buck laughs so he doesn’t cry, leaning forward to take Eddie’s hand and pressing his forehead into his. They linger like that for a moment, breathing each other in, not even bothered by the coffee breath or the eye boogers. 

“You’re not the only one who’s always afraid of losing everything,” Eddie whispers with his eyes closed. “But when you’ve finally experienced that loss...I don’t know. I just know that I’m not going to waste any more time without you or Christopher.” Eddie leans his head up, kissing Buck’s temple before placing his coffee cup on the counter and then moving back in to wrap his arms over Buck’s shoulders. Buck lets himself melt into it, soaking it all in, all that he could’ve lost but didn’t, all of the new time he was given as a gift instead. 

He wasn’t going to waste it. Not for anything.

* * *

The train wreck crashes into him in the form of long auburn hair and glasses.

She calls his name. 

“Buck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -all the warnings associated with the Eddie being trapped underground in Eddie Begins  
> -near death experiences  
> -Trauma associated with near-death experiences and near loss of a partner


	15. will I ever be enough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the last chapter set in canon. Next chapter will be the epilogue/a bit of a time jump forward. This chapter is a bit smaller, but I hope you all like it.
> 
> TW's in end notes

Buck

“Whoa, whoa, two weeks?” Buck asks, swiveling around to face Eddie. “Isn't Chris kind of young for that? I mean, what if something happens? What if he gets homesick?”

What if Buck misses Chris too much? What if something happens and Buck can’t be there to protect him? 

Eddie rolls his eyes playfully. “Pretty sure I brought the brochure in so that you guys could make me feel better about sending him.”

“You came to the wrong person for that, buddy-boy,” Chim remarks, slapping a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Clearly, you did not think that plan through to its logical conclusion. Pretty sure your kid turned ol’ Buckaroo here into a miserable worry-wort.”

“I’m not a worry-wart, I just don’t trust camps.” That’s not true, Buck didn’t have a single reason at all whatsoever to distrust camps, and it seemed all of them knew it. Eddie and Bobby start off on all the kinds of programs and activities the kids get to do at camp, including making them plant, pick and cook their own food? So what, they basically turn the kids into slaves?

“Sounds a lot like child labor to me,” Buck grumbles. 

Eddie shifts his attention back to grading Hen’s test, and the conversation drifts away from camp, but still it lingers in Buck’s mind. They get called out and Buck tries his best to focus on work and not on Chris being away for two weeks. He knows Eddie is going to do it regardless of what they say. Christopher loves the outdoors, and honestly it sounds like he would have a lot of fun. In fact, he knows Christopher would have a blast. If this had been Hen or Bobby or anyone else with a kid coming to ask him for advice about letting their kids go to camp Buck would’ve encouraged them in a heartbeat. Christopher was an adventurous kid, and that’s what worried Buck the most. Eddie knew that what was best for Chris was to let him go to this camp and be independent and have fun. Buck knew that too, logically. Then why did it feel like cutting off a limb?

Eddie catches him sometime later. The sun was setting, they’d already had their dinner without any calls interrupting. Now all they had to do was linger until the next call came. He’s hiding out in the bunks, listening to music on his phone, trying again to force himself to stop worrying. Chris will be fine. Christopher will be absolutely fine. Buck had no reason to worry.

And yet.

Eddie sits down next to him on the bunk, patting his leg before resting his head back on the backboard without a word. Buck takes his head phones out and turns to stare at Eddie who was still just resting there with his eyes closed. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck tells him eventually. Eddie peeks one eye open. “I didn’t mean what I said earlier. About the camps. It sounds fun...I think Chris would love it.”

“I know,” Eddie says. “But I still wanted to get your opinion.”

“The team all thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t really their opinion I cared about.”

A wave of pleasant tingles washes over Buck’s skin like bubbles. How was it Eddie could say the simplest things and it would send Buck over the moon in an instant? Buck turns, slinking down until he’s resting his head against Eddie’s chest, hand thrown over his waist. Sometimes it helps to just count Eddie’s heartbeats. Reminds him that they’re still alive and breathing. They have more time. It wasn’t over yet.

He could enjoy this a little longer.

Eddie’s fingers slide into Buck’s hair, brushing lightly through them, tracing the curve of his ear.

“Anxious?”

Always. 

“Yeah,” Buck answers. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Eddie asks, his fingers still working steadily through Buck’s hair and along his skin. Buck nods his head against Eddie’s chest. “Whenever I think about putting Chris on that bus to camp it makes me want to throw up.”

Buck lifts his head at that, looking up into Eddie’s face. “But...I don’t get it. You want him to go.”

Eddie sighs. “Yeah, I do. I want him to go because I want him to have fun and experience life and be a kid. You’ve seen the look on his face every time he talks about going. He’s never been more excited.”

“But...you’re afraid?” Buck whispers, voicing his own feelings at the same time.

Eddie nods. “I’m terrified every time he leaves my sight. It’s been like that every day since he was born.”

“It never goes away?”

“It lessens as he gets older. But no, it’s never truly gone away and I don’t think it ever will. That’s just what happens when you have a kid.” Eddie looks off to the side, a far away look in his eye until he lets out a soft laugh. “Shannon once said ‘separation anxiety is a bitch, huh?’ She was right.”

“But you let him go anyway.”

“Yeah...even though it scares the hell out of me, I let him go. I used to just sit around by myself and stew in the anxiety. But now you and I can stew in it together.” Eddie leans down, pressing a kiss to Buck’s hair. “Welcome to parenthood.”

Buck stiffens, his hands going tighter around Eddie’s waist. He’s about to open his mouth to protest, to say that he’s not worthy of being Christopher’s parent.

Eddie squeezes him hard right back, effectively shutting him up. “You are. You’ve been parenting him with me since the day I got here.”

“Eddie, I…”

Eddie’s voice goes a bit wonky. “I, uh, I never really had a coparent before. I mean, me and Shannon, neither of us were really there for each other the way we needed to be. I thought maybe we were getting there before she...anyway.”

Buck relaxes back into Eddie’s hold.

“I want you to be Christopher’s dad. With me.” As if suddenly realizing the gravity of the bomb he just set off, Eddie rushes to clarify. “Only if that’s what you want I mean. If it’s not, that’s totally fine. I mean, not _ fine, _ but like, I get it and—”

Buck pushes himself up and presses his lips soundly to Eddie’s, getting lost in the way Eddie stiffens only briefly, before melting entirely into him, opening his mouth, wrapping his arms tightly around Buck’s shoulders. They stay like that for who knows how long, hands roaming gently and lips massaging each other until the bell rings and both of them are forced to stow the overpowering lust in order to slip back from their station issued sweats into their turnout gear. 

It’s a large train crash, several RA units being called out since there were likely to be mass casualties. Arriving on the scene...the carnage is widespread, people pouring out as other teams that had gotten there earlier carry more and more people out to the ambulances. The first train cart is straight up in the air, and that’s where Bobby assigns Buck and Eddie to search. Buck goes around back first, splitting up with Eddie who goes to check the opposite side. Buck can’t find anything that he can reasonably say with certainty would allow them to safely secure the cart from tipping. It was too precarious and there was not much to use as leverage. 

He goes back around the cart, searching for Eddie to give him the update. It takes him a minute to spot Eddie at first, but then he finds him speaking to a woman who was shouting with wild, desperate hands.

He moves closer towards them, and with each step, his heart drops further.

Abby. 

Both Eddie and Abby turn towards him at that very moment, and Buck realizes he said her name out loud.

Buck makes eye contact with her for the first time in two years. She looks the same and yet dramatically different. And she was still looking at him like she didn’t actually believe he was here.

He didn’t believe she was here either. Why now? Why right when everything was finally looking up for him?

“Buck.” 

Eddie

Abby. Eddie should’ve realized. He thought she looked a bit familiar, the red hair and the glasses but he couldn’t place where he had seen her before. It had been more than two years for him. He’d only ever seen Abby in Buck’s eyes, and that, as Eddie was realizing, looked entirely different from the actual woman standing right in front of him.

All of the action around them seemed to halt for a long moment, Abby’s attention no longer on him, or begging him to get back into the train, but instead she was laser focused on Buck. Yet the look on her face wasn’t surprise or anything pleasant (he hadn’t expected it to, what with the literal train crash in front of them) but instead, the look on her face spelled dread.

Like she was hoping Buck wouldn’t have been among the first responders coming to rescue her.

Eddie drags his eyes away from her to Buck. That’s what nearly floors him. It’s the way Buck’s face, as open and honest as ever, looks absolutely heartbroken.

Oh.

Did he...did he still love Abby?

No, Eddie tried to tell himself, trying to push that absurd thought away. Buck had moved on from this woman, the same woman who nearly shattered his heart beyond repair. Eddie wasn’t an idiot and he remembered the pangs of crushing pain and rejection that used to puncture through him whenever he realized that he was getting pulses of Buck’s feelings. 

And then all at once time starts moving forward again.

“Wait, you were on the train?” Buck moves forward, closer to  _ her.  _

“Yeah, I gotta—”

“We’ve gotta get you checked out—”

“No, no, no. I'm fine. I need to get up there,” Abby moves right out of Buck’s way, dodging him swiftly and easily.

Buck immediately goes after her and Eddie finds himself standing off to the side, feeling completely useless as he watches it all unfold. 

“What? No, that's crazy.” She keeps dodging him, side-stepping around him like it was a dance, like all she wanted in that moment was just to get away. “No, no, Abby, Abby, stop!”

She screeches to a halt, throwing her hands in the air. “I'm trying to find somebody!” she screams, and only then does Buck stop. 

Eddie watches as Buck struggles to shift himself back into professional firefighter mode. Eddie steps forward, ready to take over at any moment should Buck require it. He knows he should probably take a step back, let Buck have the moment alone, but he simply could not do that. He wasn’t about to leave Buck alone with this.

“Okay. Well, just tell us who. We'll go…”

“My fiancé!”

…..Fuck. 

Buck and Abby stare at each other like they know just how fucked up this whole situation just became. Eddie didn’t even have to be in Buck’s head to know that this...this was a whole other layer of fucked. What, this woman thought she could just up and leave Buck without ever telling him the relationship was officially over, then come back two years later engaged? Why would she even come back here, what could she possibly—

Buck takes a step back, his face impossibly blank. Eddie knows that look, and more than that, he knows Buck’s starting to shut down. That Abby being back (seriously, why the  _ fuck  _ did she need to come back?) was causing him pain, and that the best way Buck knew to deal with pain was to either turn around and break something (their job made that easy) or to internalize it. Eddie noticed the second Buck slipped away from the forefront of his own mind, instead staring at Abby like she’d just sucker-punched him in the face.

Eddie had no choice but to step in, taking over asking Abby all the information about her fiancé, where he was last located, what he looked like, so that when they eventually went in to find him they could do their job.

He turns to go, looking to Buck to see if he would follow him. One look at the faraway, dazed glaze in Buck’s eyes told Eddie all he needed to know. He had to leave. As much as he didn’t want to leave Buck here on his own, this wasn’t his moment to intrude on. Even if it infuriated him that she was even here causing it in the first place. With one final glance at Buck, Eddie makes his way off. He almost pats a hand to Buck’s shoulder, but then at the very last second thinks better of it, letting it ghost by without actually making contact.

The farther away from Buck Eddie gets the more tremulous his emotions become, it’s seeping over into Eddie’s chest and he can feel it now. Could Buck feel the surge of anger that arose in Eddie? The desire to protect him from Abby and all of the pain that she so obviously caused (and was continuing to cause).

He had to throw away his emotions for the time being, trying hard to ignore the throbbing knocks of  _ betrayal, confusion, hurt, self-loathing, shame, unworthiness  _ that pulsated through Buck. Being near him as they made their way up the train car made it slightly dim, but he knew Buck. Eddie could feel it even when it wasn’t being spoon-fed to him. It wasn’t any dimmer just because he wasn’t feeling it directly like they did when they were apart. Focusing his mind on the job is the only thing he can do at the moment. 

They find Abby’s fiancé, Sam, impaled on a beam and another girl, much younger, with her knee jammed up into her pelvis.

When Sam starts murmuring about Abby, murmuring about their kids, he shares a look with Buck, knows without even having to guess that Buck is thinking about the family Abby found, the one she so clearly didn’t want to have with Buck, but was more than fine with having with someone else. Eddie didn’t know that kind of betrayal. When Shannon came back, she had told him that she had mostly been single the past two years, though Eddie didn’t know the details of whatever else she did with her personal life. But it wasn’t like Shannon had abandoned him and Chris for another man and another family. He didn’t know how he would feel if that had happened, probably less open to the idea of letting her see Chris again. But that’s not what happened, and right now, Eddie has to focus on using his medical training to save these people.

Only problem is that the beam that’s crushing Sam is also pinning the girl. The injuries are different but the risk is the same. That’s what he tells them, when Bobby asks who they should prioritize. 

Fuck, Eddie hated when this happened on calls. It was rare that they had to make a choice about who to save, especially one of this caliber. And now Bobby was looking to him to make that decision. 

They were going to try, for the time being, to focus on getting the girl out, see if they could possibly work around the beam and not entirely crush Sam either. 

Eddie hears Buck talking to Sam while he works on the girl. He’s asking about Abby, questioning the man like he didn’t even know who Abby was. 

“Shit,” Eddie murmurs under his breath. There really was no work around to get past the beam. It was one or the other, and Eddie’s heart sinks as he turns and catches eyes with Buck, whose eyes are aflame with the injustice. 

Bobby makes the decision. They’re choosing the girl. 

Eddie has no choice but to nod, apologizing to Buck with the downturn of his mouth. “Copy that.”

Buck’s not having it, just as Eddie knew he wouldn’t.

“It’s going to crush his other lung, he’ll die!”

“I am aware of that,” Bobby replies, cool and collected. “Protocol dictates that we save whoever has the better chance and Eddie is saying that’s the girl.”

Buck’s eyes turn to him, hurt and outrage in his eyes. “Eddie—”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck.  _ In a small, reluctant voice, Eddie says, “Her vitals are better. He’s starting to decompensate. Buck...we have to choose.”

“He’s a father, he has two girls—”

Bobby groans. “Everyone is someone’s father, or someone’s brother or cousin, Buck. This is the first thing we’re taught with this job. We have to make the important decisions  _ now  _ before we lose both of them.”

“Okay. Okay, you're right.” Buck turns away from them, avoiding Eddie’s eyes and he feels like the biggest piece of shit. Buck’s eyes linger on the beam, and he turns back to them with an idea, one Eddie knows is bound to get one of them killed. “The beam is steel. But the skin on this thing, the skin is stainless. That's much thinner. I could go outside, I could cut a piece out, pull the girl through, and that will buy us enough room to save Sam.”

Bobby argues that the cart is not stable enough to do that, that’s why they’re operating from the inside, if it falls and he’s on the inside…

“I know. I will be crushed by one hundred tons of train car, and I know that is a lot heavier than a fire truck. But I have to do this.”

Eddie can’t take it anymore. “Buck, stop! Okay, are you even listening to yourself? You’re so willing to give up your life and for what? I know you made a promise to his fiancé—”

“Who’s his fiancé?” Bobby asks, totally lost and confused.

Eddie looks back over at Buck, at the guilt flashing over his face, but more than that, determination. Buck had already made his decision. No matter what the Captain said, or even what Eddie said, he was doing this. He was saving them both and it didn’t matter if he died doing it. It didn’t matter if he left Eddie and Chris behind, or Maddie or everyone else who actually  _ loved  _ and wanted him around. Buck was choosing Abby over the family they had created together.

Eddie can’t be here anymore. “Abby,” he spits. “His fiancé is Abby.” With that, he pulls himself up, refusing to stay with the two feuding idiots anymore. Eddie’s heart was cracking in half with every inch he put between himself and Buck and if he stayed there, he was going to lose face in front of his boss and he refused to let that happen. He went to check on Sam, doing everything he could to stop the pace of his body’s deterioration. 

The harsh words of Buck and Bobby lift from the front of the train car and echo even through the back. As if sensing the turmoil, Sam looks up at Eddie. “He’s trying to save us both?”

Eddie sighs, shutting his eyes tight for just one moment, trying to push down all the hurt. “Yeah. He’s always been like that. Willing to sacrifice himself for everyone, stranger or not.”

“You mentioned...Abby,” Sam breathes. “Does he...know her?”

“I don’t know if that’s my information to share,” Eddie says honestly. Sam nods as if accepting that.

“It’s like you said earlier, everyone is someone’s family member...and that girl...she’s just a kid, she has so much life ahead of her. She doesn’t deserve to have it end here.”

“Neither do you,” Buck says, crawling up back into the space near Eddie.

“Buck—”

“No, Eddie. I’m doing this. Cap agreed and he’s already making his way down to direct from outside. I’m heading back down in just a second.” His voice gets a bit gentler as he continues. “I just wanted to let you know.”

Eddie shakes his head, getting progressively angrier. “You don’t have to do this, Buck—”

“If it was you pinned like this and I was out there where she is, waiting you for you to come home to me and Christopher, you can sure as hell believe that I would want whatever firefighter was in my place to fucking try.”

Eddie’s eyes widen, the air escaping from his lips. “What?”

“This was never about Abby,” Buck says, eyes steel and unmoving from Eddie’s gaze. Then, without any care for the curious eyes watching them, Buck leans forward and presses the softest and quickest kiss to Eddie’s cheek. 

“Stay alive,” Buck demands and then with that he’s gone, propelling himself back down the cable car. 

Eddie sits there in a daze, unable to comprehend what just happened. He watches as Buck harnesses up the side of the car, and begins drilling. Eddie has to make his way down to the girl, getting her ready to go as soon as Buck finishes drilling through. 

The car tips dangerously and Eddie grips the sides of the chairs, begging, fucking  _ begging,  _ with everything in him that it doesn’t fall.

The car stabilizes and Buck continues his sawing of the outside. When Buck pulls the side of the car off and pops his head through it’s with a blinding smile that nearly knocks Eddie off balance. 

Fuck, he loved Buck with everything he had.

Quickly, they work to get the girl out, and then they turn to Sam. They get him out soon enough and then Eddie propels himself down and out of the car. Eddie gets carted off to get checked over quickly before he’s given the okay to return to active work. He runs to find Buck, and comes upon him standing near Abby and Sam. He catches the tail end of it, catches the drift that Abby had apparently told Sam about Buck, and it all becomes clear that Sam knew who Buck was to his fiancé even back in the train car. 

He comes to stand beside Buck, the both of them watching as Abby and Sam are loaded up into the ambulance. Abby turns, giving Buck one last final look before she’s gone.

Eddie looks up at Buck, the hurt expression returning to Buck’s face once more now that Abby wasn’t there. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. It’s lame, and it’s nowhere near enough, but it’s the only thing Eddie can think to say at that moment.

Buck shakes his head. “No. Not really.”

“Buck...I’m sorry—”

Buck takes a step back. “Let’s just...not talk about it just yet, okay?”

Eddie smashes down the anguish that wells up inside him, but he nods anyway. When Buck is ready to talk, they’ll talk. 

That’s all he can hope for right now. 

Buck

The next day Buck gets a call from Abby, asking if he could meet her at the lookout over the park. He was supposed to meet up with Eddie for lunch, but he texts him, tells him that Abby asked to meet with him and if they could push their plans back till dinner?

It’s a beautiful sunny Los Angeles day and all Buck feels inside is stormy. 

**_You know you don’t have to do this, right? You don’t owe her anything._ ** Eddie is sitting at home on the couch. Buck didn’t outright ask for Eddie to come with him, but it was still soothing somehow, just knowing Eddie had his back.

“I just want some closure, you know?” Buck says. “Just so I can finally close the door and be done with it.” 

He waits a few more minutes in silence, just letting the breeze wash over him as he looks out over LA. Soon enough, someone sits down next to him, offering up a quiet, “Thanks for meeting me here.”

Buck can hardly look at her, but he forces himself to anyways. He didn’t have any reason to hide away from her anymore. No reason to try and force himself to be exactly what she wanted. She had moved on without him, and that had hurt like hell. 

It’s awkward, and remains that way. Buck starts off asking about Sam, wanting to make sure the man was okay. No matter his issues with Abby, Sam was a good guy, a father and a fiancé, he deserved to live. It was relieving to know that Buck’s actions meant Sam could still see his kids graduate, grow up and get married. It meant Sam and Abby could get married as planned.

That thought only left a little bit of a bitter taste in his mouth.

“I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did.”

“Just doing my job, that’s it.” Abby would know, she used to be in a similar line of work as him, after all. Yes, seeing Abby again after two years of nothing had been a shock to his system, but in the end his decision to try and save both Sam and the girl was entirely for himself. Because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if anyone died while Buck had the option to do something about it. He still thinks of Devon sometimes, the first person he’d ever lost. The pain of losing him had never faded, had stuck with Buck for years and years, and would continue to do so for as long as he lived. Anything he could do to make sure that he exhausted every single option before even daring to think about giving up. 

So, no. Buck saving Sam was not for Abby. If Sam was just a random man on the train who had nothing to do with Abby, he would’ve saved him anyway. 

“I’m sorry that you had to find out about it this way. I had actually planned to talk to you about it while I was in town.”

**_Wait...what?_ ** **That’s** **_what she’s sorry for?_ **

“That’s what you’re sorry for?” He gave a muted huff. “When did you know that you were leaving me for good? Was it in Morocco or Paris or Dublin or...or did you know when we were at the airport and I was kissing you good-bye and promising you that I would wait for you? Did you know then that you were never coming back to me?”

“I thought I would.”

**_Bullshit. She knew. She could’ve said something. She could’ve told you not to wait for her._ **

Abby starts on about why she left, her trip to find herself again after years and years of giving away everything she was in order to help other people. She says her life revolved around others and she didn’t want to become that person again. She was afraid that coming back, being near him again, would turn her back into the person she didn’t want to be.

It floors him. This whole time...Buck had fooled himself into believing that Abby was one of the main catalysts that helped him grow from Buck 1.0 to 2.0. He credited her with that, all of that. He’d been so afraid of the same thing, of becoming Buck 1.0 again after she left, he knew that fear just as well. But to hear that for her, coming back to him would be her reverting back to Abby 1.0? For her, being with him would be a burden on her life, would cause her to revert back to the person she didn’t want to be anymore. The worst version of herself.

What did that say about him?

**_Buck…_ **

He shakes his head. “I’m glad to see you happy, Abby.” That was the truth as far as he could take it. “You deserve it.”

**_So do you,_ ** Eddie says,  **_You’ve always deserved it, Buck._ ** It’s the only thing keeping him hanging on right now, the radiating love he feels coming from Eddie at that moment. The soft caresses to his hands and his arms that he knows are all coming from the true love of his life. 

He didn’t love Abby anymore, that was the truth. And thinking back on it now, he was beginning to realize that maybe he had never really been as in love with her as he thought. He had wanted to be, so badly. He wanted the validation, and the support and the closeness. He wanted somebody to want him, but that person was never meant to be Abby. Even now, all he was looking for was a simple “I’m sorry for leading you on, Buck. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t even worthy of an explanation or an apology.” 

And he wasn’t even going to get that.

“Sam said that you have somebody,” Abby starts again out of nowhere. Buck had almost expected her to leave without another word at that point. She had obviously said her piece, what else was there to say? “Another firefighter? I’m glad that you moved on.”

**_Yeah, no thanks to you._ **

“I’ve found my true family,” Buck says, but it’s not to her. He doesn’t owe her anything anymore, not even words to make her feel better or absolved. He’s saying this out loud for the one person that truly matters. “I’ve found someone who makes me feel loved like I deserve, someone who makes me feel good about myself, and makes me want to be a better person. I’ve never had a partnership or a friendship like his, and I’ve never had someone who’s fought as hard as he has to keep me around. I have him, and I have our son.” He nearly trips over the last word, but he means it, and he can feel the joy beaming through Eddie’s body in the kiss to his hand. “I don’t need anything else.”

**_Our son. Our family, Buck._ ** **Ours.**

He doesn’t know if Abby says anything further after that, but Buck’s not paying attention. The storm clouds inside him have passed now that Abby has left. He sits there for who knows how long by myself. 

It doesn’t matter what’s happened in the past. It doesn’t matter if Abby felt Buck would hold her back. She wasn’t anybody to him anymore. He would always have the memories of her, but they would no longer hold that question of what if. 

_ What if I had been better? What if I had been less clingy? What if I had put in more effort? What if I had followed you around the world? What if I had sex with you earlier? What if I had withheld sex longer? What if I was better looking? What if I gave you everything I had until there was nothing left?  _

_ What if I was someone else completely? _

Buck took off the rose colored glasses. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t enough for Abby, or Vini, or his parents, or Bobby, or the LAFD, or his sister. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t enough for Eddie either.

He didn’t have to be enough for them.

He was more than enough for himself. 

That was his declaration to the world and he had nothing left to prove.

Eddie

He spots Buck on a far off bench towards the edge of the hill. It was a gorgeous sight, the view of the city and Buck leaning his head back with his eyes closed while he soaked the sun up on his skin. Eddie moved slowly, taking a seat in the open space next to him.

It’s only when he takes Buck’s hand that the taller man opens his eyes.

“Hi,” Buck’s eyes flutter. He reaches his other hand out to take hold of Eddie’s face, letting his thumb rest on his jaw. It’s almost too much, the intensity of Buck’s gaze on him. 

“Hi,” Eddie says in turn. “I’m proud of you.”

Buck smiles so brightly it nearly blinds him. The smile turns into a laugh that melts into a broken sob and Eddie lunges forward, capturing Buck in his arms and just holds him tight. A couple of tears fall, he can feel them soaking through his shirt but they’re not sad tears. In fact, quite the opposite from how Buck is kissing his shoulder and his neck in quick pecks, murmuring “I love you” and “Thank you” over and over into his skin. 

Slowly, Eddie turns them so they can look forward, Buck’s cheek resting on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” Buck says again for the umpteenth time that day.

“You have nothing to thank me for.”

“I have everything to thank you for.”

“Then I guess I also have everything to thank you for.”

Buck laughs, squeezing Eddie around the waist tighter. After a moment he says, “I’m sorry for yesterday. For scaring you.”

“I…” Eddie bites his lip, almost stopping himself from saying the words. “I thought, for a moment, that you were choosing her.”

“I didn’t choose her,” Buck clarifies. “Not even for a moment, for the record. But I’m sorry I wasn’t clear about it with you from the start. I was just...Eddie, the last thing I ever expected was to see her again. And after the year we had, all of those ugly feelings just came boiling back up and...I’m sorry I hurt you. Not just now too. I’m sorry I shut you out in Brazil and I’m sorry I shut you out after we slept together in the ladder truck, and I’m sorry I avoided you and almost sued the stupid department.”

Eddie can’t help but laugh. “Oh man...I’ve long since forgiven you for all of that.”

“I know,” Buck says. “But I just wanted to say it again. You didn’t deserve that.”

“You didn’t deserve it either, Buck. You didn’t deserve all the pain you’ve gone through. I’m sorry for any part I played in it.”

Buck snorts. “Gosh...I’ve been pining after you since I was a teenager, Diaz. I don’t think there’s anything you could do that I wouldn’t forgive you for.”

Eddie raises his shoulder just a bit to sway Buck’s head. “Careful with that. Not everything deserves forgiveness. Like that bullshit of an apology Abby just tried to give you.”

Eddie would probably be salty about that forever. Buck takes a deep breath in. “Even if she didn’t apologize how I would’ve liked, I still got what I needed.”

Eddie grumbles. “Doesn’t feel like enough.”

Buck sits up straight, looking Eddie in the eye. “It is. I don’t need anything else from her, when I’ve got you and I’ve got Chris. You two have always been enough for me. You two are the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given.”

Buck takes Eddie’s head in his hands again, stroking his cheeks like he was something precious, and kisses him softly on the mouth. Eddie’s eyes roll back in his head, the warm lingering touch of Buck’s lips enough to send him to an early grave. 

“Fuck,” Eddie breathes out, barely opens his eyes. “That...fuck, that sounded like vows.”

Buck laughs deliciously against his mouth. “Not even close, Eddie Diaz.” He kisses him again. “When I marry you—” another soft kiss “—my vows are gonna blow you away—” another long, lingering, gut-wrenching kiss “—I promise you that.”

“Damn it, how am I supposed to compete with that?”

Buck chuckles, pulling away just a bit to bite his lip. “No competition necessary. I have you, so I’ve already won.”

It’s Eddie’s turn to blush furiously, turning away. “Stop embarrassing me.”

“No. I’m gonna tell everybody, starting with that random hiker over there—” he stands up suddenly, nearly making Eddie fall off the bench. “HEY SIR!”

“Buck!” Eddie trips over himself standing up, starting after Buck who was already talking up the stranger.

He laughs the whole way as he runs after his man. 

* * *

May’s graduation party is a blast. He spends the evening dancing with Buck and Christopher, eating cake and taking ridiculous pictures with the graduation props. Buck helps Christopher sign May’s graduation banner and Eddie laughs as Buck and Chris take a whole set of pictures by themselves in the booth.

“You know, we took pictures at a photo booth on the pier,” Buck tells him, and it surprises Eddie, how far he’s come, how it didn’t hurt as much to talk about tsunami. “Man those were adorable. I wish we still had them.”

“Well, now we have these ones,” Eddie says, then holds up the one with Buck and Chris holding each other tightly. “This one is definitely going in my wallet.”

“That is probably the most old man phrase I’ve ever heard you say,” Buck knocks his arm into Eddie’s. Eddie knocks back and soon enough it’s an all out war that travels into the photo booth, with Buck knocking his chest into Eddie while they take pictures. One of his necklaces hits Eddie straight in the nose. It doesn’t hurt, not really, but the way Buck immediately moves to comfort him, booping his nose gently, makes Eddie instead wrap his arm around Buck’s waist and pull him back in close until their face to face. 

He feels like a teenager again, making out with his boyfriend in a photo booth. Except he never did this as a teenager, never had this much fun. But now he got to have it and he wasn’t mad about it in the slightest, even when Buck moved away only for a moment before pushing a slice of cake right into Eddie’s mouth and half onto his face. Buck giggles like a maniac and immediately sprints away. 

“Oh, I am  _ so  _ gonna get you for that.” 

He takes off, ignoring the way Chimney says to Maddie, “I thought the cake smashing was supposed to be after the wedding?”

Maddie laughs. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little premarital cake smashing.”

Eddie hangs on to the picture of all three of them, Buck, Eddie and Christopher. The two of them held Christopher between them, with the little boy's arms wrapped around each of their necks.

He couldn’t wait to add it to their collection at home, and couldn’t wait for the many more family pictures to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW's:  
> -all the stuff regarding Abby and Buck's hurt with that  
> -some insecurity on Eddie's part   
> -not really much else for this chapter but if anyone feels anything needs to be tagged/warned, let me know
> 
> Last chapter will be posted by like Tues/Weds at the latest! thanks!


	16. we're in this for life, yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the end. I hope you all like it. I haven't been able to respond to many comments with the last handful of chapter updates because my workload has really increased since the start of September, but I have read and appreciate all of them. Special thank you to those people who've consistently left such amazing and thoughtful comments with each update. It really means a lot to me to see the notifs that I've got comments from you guys. You guys truly are what keeps writers writing, so thanks again.
> 
> As a heads up there is some explicit smut in this chapter so if that isn't your thing you can skip from once we get to the hot spring and resume after the time jump. You won't miss anything important to the story.

Epilogue: 10 months later 

It took them nearly 30 minutes, but finally, Eddie, Buck and Christopher had the snowman _exactly_ the way they wanted it to look. Eddie didn’t realize just how precise Buck and Christopher would be about every little detail, down to the placement of the buttons, the angle of the carrot nose, the curvature of the balls (Eddie had to smack Buck in the arm for laughing at that one in front of their 10 year old son). But eventually they got it right, and Eddie was practically exhausted from sitting on a rock and watching the two of them be absolutely ridiculous about their snowman. 

But the smiles never left either of their faces so Eddie was content.

When it was done, Eddie gathered them round close to the snowman for a picture. 

“Eddie, you have to get in the picture too,” Buck whines. 

“My arms aren’t long enough.”

“Grab my selfie stick,” Buck says, pointing to his bag before doubling over with laughter once again at what he thinks is another clever innuendo.

When Eddie gets back to the snowman, selfie stick in hand, he grabs his boyfriend by the waist and hauls him in real close so he can whisper into his ear. “You think you’re really funny with the terrible dick jokes, huh? I’m gonna need you to stop…”

“Or what?” Buck whispers back impishly into his ear.

Eddie throws a quick glance Christopher’s direction, who’s yet again readjusting the placement of the rocks on frosty’s chest. 

Eddie turns back to Buck, satisfied with a distracted Christopher, and says, “Guess you’ll find out tonight.”

Buck makes a choking sound, his face fantastically red, and Eddie immediately changes the subject, getting Christopher’s attention so they could take their picture with Buck’s selfie stick. They take a few with all of them altogether, some with Buck holding Christopher up on his back. Some with just Christopher and his masterpiece and a couple with just him and Buck, and the snowy Colorado mountains behind them.

Buck asks him to send him the one with him kissing Eddie’s cheek. Said he was immediately going to set it as his home screen picture.

“You don’t have to do that.”

Buck shows him his phone. “Christopher gets the whole lockscreen to himself. I want one of me and you too. And you look super adorable in this. Look at your cheeks!”

“Shut up,” Eddie grumbles under his breath, suddenly too warm even despite the fact that it was starting to snow again.

Christopher wanted to take his snowman back down with them to the resort, but the thing was actually surprisingly heavy, and kinda flimsy. In the end, he and Buck manage to shove the thing onto Christopher’s sled and Christopher talks to it the whole time while they make their descent back to the resort, Eddie carrying Christopher.

When they get back they have to deposit the snowman back on the ground since they couldn’t bring it inside.

“But Charlie got to bring his snowman inside,” Christopher argues.

“Charlie’s snowman was magical so that it didn’t melt or drip water all over the place.”

At dinner, Christopher chatters on and on about how much he loved the snow and how much fun he had that day sledding and having snowball fights and making his own snowman. 

Eddie’s favorite part was sitting with Buck, watching Christopher have fun (having fun with him too, though he took quite a few snowballs to the face). 

At one point, Buck had dragged Eddie to lay down with him in the snow, moving his arms back and forth to make snow angels. 

Eddie blinks up at the snow, remembering the last time he’d witnessed this he’d been deep in the deserts of Afghanistan, wishing to come home, wishing to see his son again. And now he was here for real, feeling the snow on his face and his hands, with his son on his left and Buck on his right.

The flush of red on Buck’s nose and cheeks was beautiful, even if Buck was constantly sniffling. He knew all of them were, but it didn’t make Buck any less attractive. Somewhere in the middle of making their snow angels, he’d grabbed Buck’s hand, rolled over and said, “Thank you for keeping your promise.”

Buck grimaces. “I didn’t really. Shannon’s not here.”

Eddie shakes his head, resting his chin on Buck’s chest. “She’s here.” He nods his head over to Christopher who’s frolicking through the snow having the time of his life. “She’s here.”

Buck smiles for real then, cupping Eddie’s face and kissing him. It can’t go any further than that, not in the mountains and not with Christopher right there, but half the promise of this trip was for them to have _special_ fun as well. That’s why they had gotten double rooms with adjoining doors. That way, Christopher could sleep and have his own quiet, distraction-free, parentless room. He was growing up, didn’t need Eddie and Buck watching him every second of every day, but at least this way they could still periodically check on him. And have some privacy of their own. 

Off the landing of their room was a hot spring. Eddie hadn’t known that was going to be there, Buck had just surprised him with the deluxe package of having a private hot spring all to themselves.

After dark, when they were sure Christopher was safe and sound asleep in his bed, the two of them shed their clothes and made their way out to the hotspring. 

“Oh shit,” Buck says, hissing at the temperature. “That’s...owie.”

Eddie snorts. “It’s called a hot spring, Buck, not a lukewarm spring.”

Buck slowly sinks into the pool of water, hissing the whole way, his legs and chest very quickly flushing red from the heat. Eddie laughs again, even as Buck moves closer, stopping in front of him.

“Why would you choose a hot spring if you couldn’t take the heat?”

“You like hot tubs, and this one was on the snow so I figured it was a win win.”

Eddie hums, stretching out to slide his wet fingers through Buck’s hair, the warm droplets cascading over his face. It’s dark, and Eddie could barely make out Buck, but their eyes were beginning to adjust ever so slightly and he could see the outline of Buck’s features. 

“Come here,” Eddie whispers, then pulls Buck forward by the back of his head and brings his lips to his. Buck moves pliantly, strong arms moving to slither around Eddie’s lower back, hosting him up against Buck’s body.

He pushes Eddie’s hair back, other hand coming to his nape, tilting it back so Buck could kiss him deeper. Buck’s hovering in the water, his long legs tall enough to be kneeling and touching the bottom of the spring and still have his head above water. The water line only reached up Buck’s upper chest, his collarbones and tops of his shoulders still visible. To make up for the lack of warmth in that area, Eddie wraps his arms around Buck’s neck, using his own body to keep Buck warm. 

Buck pulls him even closer and this time Eddie slides over Buck’s bent knee, finding himself pressed tightly against Buck’s length. He groans, biting down on Buck’s lip as the other man grabs a handful of his ass, grinding Eddie forward on his thigh. He was fully hard now, even though just moments before he’d already been sporting a half mast just from the anticipation of being alone with Buck.

They’d done this before. They didn’t move into it too fast after getting together, it had been a process, especially for Eddie given that he hadn’t really ever been with a man for real before Buck. Sexually, or otherwise. Their first time in person, Buck had laid himself down on Eddie’s bed, legs spread and inviting. He was a bit embarrassed by how quickly he’d lost control in that moment. He couldn’t stop touching Buck everywhere, his solid waist, his lower stomach, grabbing handfuls of his thick thighs as he hoisted Buck’s legs up over Eddie’s waist, moving his hips in fluid waves as he thrust into Buck’s body. It was quick, but only because both Eddie and Buck had been so eager, so desperate for each other that their climaxes were fast and hard. 

Needless to say they went for way more than just one round that night.

Buck is rolling his hips up into Eddie, and fuck, Eddie is weak, he has to skate a hand down between them, gripping both of them soundly between his fist. In the water, he can’t move his hand up and down as fast as he would like, but the pressure is almost enough. Their wet chests glide past one another, and it thrills him just a little how he can feel Buck’s nipples harden against him. 

Buck shifts his weight, pulling back just for a second so he could instead guide both of them to the dip that allowed them to sit. Eddie’s back grazed the wall, and Buck climbed on top of him, straddling his lap. Buck hovered above him now, grinding himself into Eddie’s lap and Eddie was starting to lose his mind again, both hands coming down to Buck’s ass, spreading his cheeks apart as Eddie’s dick began to slide in between them. His finger moves up, circling Buck’s hole, before sliding just the pad of his finger inside, slowly and steadily pushing the rest in. 

“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck moans, both hands cradling Eddie’s face now. He kisses Eddie’s cheeks, his chin, up and down the whole of his face. It was a habit Buck had developed and it had to be Eddie’s top favorite in a long list of favorite things that Buck does to him.

God, that felt so good, just to be touched so softly. And to have that same person who loved him so deeply on top of him, working to get the both of them off.

“Ride me, Buck,” Eddie groans as he uses one arm to grip Buck’s waist—god, he would never get over his obsession with Buck’s firm and full waist—and the other arm to wrap over Buck’s right knee, hitching him up even further on top of him. 

" _God,_ yes. Fuck. Oh my god.” Buck reaches down, finding Eddie’s cock and adjusting it until it was lined up right where it needed to be. Buck sinks down on top of him, and it’s slow going, needing to adjust himself, but still way looser than Eddie had expected given that they hadn’t exactly prepared—

“Wait. Did you finger yourself before this?”

Buck smirks and laughs against his mouth. “Hell yes, I did.”

Eddie seizes Buck’s hips hard, fucking up into him and Buck groans loud, pushing Eddie harder into the wall. He slides up and down on his cock several times, and it’s good for him, but then Buck says—

“Okay, we really didn’t think this through. The water is chafing my ass so badly.”

“Oh fuck.” Eddie pulls out immediately. Both of them rise from the water, and Eddie’s about to reach for his towel, when Buck stops him.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Buck stops him from getting out of the hotspring entirely. He crawls over on his hands and knees (and man, _that’s_ a nice view) to where he had put his towel and—

Buck pulls lube out from his bag.

“Is that why you brought a whole shower caddy out to the hot spring?” Eddie asks with a laugh.

It’s still snowing around them, but the area around their pool of water was snow free. The tiles leading up to it were heated too, even as Eddie sat his bare ass down on the side of the pool. 

“Hey, boy scouts are always prepared,” Buck says before crawling back towards Eddie and pushing him down so his back was to the warm tile. Buck flings his leg back over him, the steam from the hot spring rising around them, but the breeze from the cool night air providing a bit of a reprieve. 

Buck attaches his mouth to Eddie’s left nipple, sucking and kissing and licking before popping up and continuing his way down to Eddie’s stomach— “You’ve filled out so much since last year. It’s hot”— before taking Eddie into his mouth, bobbing down and popping up to suck at the tip wetly like a popsicle. 

“Oh fuck—”

Buck pops the lube open, using his fingers to spread some back inside of himself, working himself open again, and then using more to spread it over Eddie’s cock. He wastes no time, lining Eddie back up and sinking down on top of him desperately. Eddie barely has a minute to adjust, gripping Buck’s hips and ass so tightly he thinks he straight up might just come just from that.

Buck starts grinding back and forth, not even bothering to lower himself up and down for risk of slipping or cramping his knees. 

Eddie looks up at him, the way he was working himself so confidently on his cock, taking what he wanted for his pleasure. There was a tiny bit of light coming from inside their room at this angle, and Eddie could see the way Buck’s body glistened, still not completely dry from the water they’d just been submerged in. 

Eddie still has his feet partially in the water, and he uses the side of the pool as leverage to lift himself up in a crunch, meeting Buck upright before he crushes their mouths together, kissing wet and dirty and with the perfect slide. Eddie’s hands reach out to grip Buck’s hips and Buck surrenders to him, letting Eddie control the pace and the direction of Buck’s grinding.

“Dreamed about this,” Buck pants into Eddie’s mouth, “for so long. Can’t believe I get to fuck you—oh, _fuck_ — can’t believe it.”

And just as it always did, the memory of their first time sharing a heated sexual moment like this pops back into Eddie’s head.

“When you showed yourself to me in the mirror…” Eddie whispers, burying his face into Buck’s shoulder. “It was—jesus fuck, I didn’t know whether I wanted to hold you or if I wanted you to hold me down and fuck me.”

Buck shudders, “I could do both.” He nips playfully at Eddie’s ear. And god, did Buck know how to use his cock to make Eddie see stars. He could feel his orgasm building inside of him, the way the muscles in his stomach clenched. 

But then he had a better idea. Without warning, Eddie loops his hands under Buck’s thighs, gets his footing on the side of the hot spring and stands up.

“Holy _shit—”_ Buck yelps as he clings onto Eddie’s shoulder, his cock still buried deep inside Buck’s ass. It slips out a second later.

With a strength he truly did not know he possessed, he carried Buck away from the hotspring, shutting the back door with his foot and deposited the both of them naked onto their bed. On instinct, both of them check around to make sure they haven't disturbed Christopher’s sleep and when they hear nothing from the other room, their attention is instantly back on each other.

“Can’t believe you just picked me up and carried me like I weighed nothing,” Buck remarks, eyes glazed as he squeezes Eddie’s arm. “Fuck, you’re so sexy.”

Buck rolls himself over then, and Eddie’s mouth goes dry. On his knees, Buck pushes his ass back into Eddie’s erection, letting it slip between his cheeks as he worked himself over it. Eddie hisses, gripping Buck’s hip, pressing him back even firmer. 

Buck whines low in his chest. “Oh my god, fuck me, Eddie, please. _Please, please, pl—_ ”

Eddie leans over, pushing Buck down onto the mattress, and slips his arms over the front of Buck’s waist, keeping his ass firmly in the air. He pushes back into Buck easily and then orders, “Fuck yourself on my cock.”

“Oh shit, oh fuck,” Buck turns his head for air, still pressed firmly against the mattress, before he starts rocking himself back onto Eddie’s cock. “Fuck, _fuck_ , yes. Yes, yes—” he throws himself back harder, a slapping noise kicking up as his ass cheeks hit Eddie’s hips. Buck reaches his arms out behind him, impressively long, and manages to reach not just behind himself but behind Eddie, grabbing two handfuls of Eddie’s ass and slamming Eddie’s hips forward. 

Oh fuck, that was hot, Buck using Eddie’s body essentially like a human dildo, fucking himself back at the same time as forcing Eddie’s hips forward. Eddie let himself be used like this, loving the way Buck’s body fit so perfectly underneath him. 

“That’s it, take what you need, Buck. Take my cock.”

Buck hisses, a frantic, “oh god” slipping from his lips. “Oh god, harder. Harder, Eddie. Fuck, I’m almost there.” Buck’s hands fall from Eddie’s ass, falling to the bed and clenching the sheets as Buck begins to lose control, ramming himself back hard, writhing on the bed. 

Eddie bends over, aligning his chest with Buck’s back and pushing the both of them further into the mattress. He continues to hump Buck’s ass, speeding up faster and harder at the angle Buck was asking for. 

Sweat dripped from Eddie’s brow, he could taste it in his mouth as he licked and mouthed over Buck’s shoulder blades.

He could feel it building again and he squeezes his arms around Buck’s waist harder, spreading his own legs further to get a better grip and—

“OH fuck, I love you—” he thrusts harder, biting lightly at Buck’s skin— “marry me, Buck, _fuck—_ will you marry me?”

Buck grips Eddie’s hands still around his waist, lifts himself up so that he can continue thrusting up as Eddie fucks down. “Yes, _Yes,_ Eddie. I do, I do—” 

Eddie kisses his back, over and over. “I love you so much. I’m gonna marry you, make you my husband, and then I’m gonna ride your cock until I can’t walk anymore—”

Buck’s ass clenches around Eddie’s dick, and Eddie quickly takes a hand to Buck’s length, stroking it fast and hard like he knows Buck likes until Buck is coming and tightening so hard around Eddie’s cock he nearly blacks out. With his own orgasm so close on the horizon, he pushes forward, fucking into Buck’s tight and clenching heat just once more, one last thrust and—

He emptied himself inside Buck, a shuddering moan escaping him that he presses into Buck’s lower back. “God, _god_ ,” he lets the waves of pleasure wash over him. “I love you, Buck.”

He still feels delirious, apparently all he can do is just to keep murmuring Buck’s name as they both try to catch their breath. Eddie almost falls asleep, face nice and warm pressed against Buck’s back. It’s only once the sweat and the steam start to itch that Eddie forces himself up, turns Buck over to kiss him deeply, before he goes to get the materials to clean them up. 

Buck makes grabby arms towards him the whole time and only once he’s managed to clean them both up, does he let Buck wrap him up in his arms and plant happy, sated kisses all over his face, mouth and neck. 

“Did you mean it?” Buck asks a few moments later, as Eddie’s resting his head against Buck’s shoulder, his finger tracing the tattoo over his pec. 

“That I would ride you until I couldn’t walk? Yes.” 

“No,” Buck says with a laugh and then a more serious. “Did you mean it, when you said you wanted to make me your husband?”

Eddie hikes himself up, so he could look down on Buck’s face, reaching up to stroke his cheeks, his nose, his eyelashes. “I meant it...but only if you want to.”

Buck laughs so brightly that tears spring to his eyes and Eddie coos softly, wiping the tears from Buck’s cheeks. “I want to, I want to. I want you and Christopher forever.”

Eddie feels lighter than he’d ever felt in years. Maybe a few tears of his own spill over as he presses a deep and hungry kiss to his fiancé’s lips. Eddie lets himself get completely and utterly lost in it for a few moments before he rolls off the bed and rushes to his suitcase.

“Where are you going?” Buck asks.

“You said yes, I gotta get your ring.”

Buck laughs as if it’s a joke, but Eddie’s not joking. Not even a little bit. He pulls out a black box and walks back over.

Buck’s jaw drops. “Wait, you’re serious?”

He flicks open the box, letting the ring glimmer in the moonlight.

“I really, _really_ meant it, Buck.” Eddie moves back closer to Buck, who was openly crying now and takes his hand, sliding the ring onto his finger.

Buck wipes his own face. “Shit. Uh. Oh my god? Maddie’s gonna be so mad if we get married before her and Chim.”

Eddie shrugs. “Snooze you lose.”

Buck kisses him hard, laughing and crying the whole time, but Eddie loves him and he couldn’t ask for a better moment.

“Hey, uh—I was supposed to ask at dinner tomorrow, so could you pretend to be surprised for Christopher? I really don’t want to tell people our proposal story was during sex. ”

Buck’s laughter nearly wakes the entire resort.

* * *

It’s been three weeks since they’ve been back at work since their mini family holiday. Hen had gushed and cooed over the two of them when they came back, when Eddie had referred to him as his _fiancé_ off hand like it was no big deal. Buck still couldn’t get rid of the ringing in his ears after that. Every moment they weren’t at work Buck wore his engagement ring with pride. Maddie _had_ been peeved, like Buck had predicted, but she and Chim were also too busy trying to raise their newborn daughter, so the attention quickly shifted off of him. 

They’re sitting around the loft at the station, watching something on the news when Hen suddenly asks, “Hey, uh, were we ever gonna talk about the fact that Buck and Eddie are kinda psychic?”

Chim hums. “Oh yeah. Guys?”

Buck shares a look with Eddie who shrugs. Eddie says, “We basically have some sort of soulmate telepathy thing going on. Not really sure where it came from, but we’ve had it most of our lives. Still do.”

“Oh,” Hen murmurs. “Huh.” 

“Helpful,” Chim points out.

Eddie nods. “Yeah, usually.”

The bell rings right then, and everyone is up in an instant, rushing down the stairs to hurry into their turn-out gear. They pile into the trucks, Buck across from Eddie with a giant smile. Eddie knocks his knee into Buck’s, gives him a sweet smile and then a wink that makes Buck’s insides flutter like a swarm of bees.

Bobby reads off the information over the line. “Alright team, it’s all hands on deck. There’s been a ship wreck right off the coast. Major cruise liner got too close to the shore and rammed straight into a reef. It’s a 133,500 ton vessel with a capacity of 3,936 guests and 1,450 crew members. First stop is a meeting with the coast guard. Everyone, prepare yourselves.”

When they get there, they pour out of the truck, but before they head off to get their assignments Buck catches Eddie’s hand. They lock eyes, and share a nod. 

“Let’s do this,” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s hand hard.

Buck takes a deep breath, and then lets it out, knowing that no matter what disasters they encountered, it would always be Eddie and Buck, partners until the end.

“Together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end! Thanks so much to all of you for reading and commenting. 
> 
> I might have other 911 fics in the works but due to my increase in workload I might not be posting those for awhile. No promises. This fic ended up being 10x longer than I was expecting it be, but I'm happy with it, and I hope you all are too. Thanks so much again!!
> 
> If you'd like to come visit me, my tumblr name is the same as my ao3 name.


End file.
